From oracle-request Thu Dec 5 12:12:00 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1991 12:12:00 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #382 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 382 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #382 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1991 12:12:00 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 382 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 382-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > __ > / / > _ / / > _---_ ____ / /_____ > \__ O | / /| > /\__-(--- |_/ /_| > / Oracle Most / / > / \ Wise, Help! _---_ Walk the plank, ye > / / A O __/ land-lubbing dog! > _ ---)-__/G\__-(--- _ ---)-__/\ > _---_ / _---_ \ > \__ O / \ O __/ / \ > /\__-(--- / _/ ---)-__/\ \ \ > / _---_ \ > / \ O | / \ > / / /|\ | \ \ > ( | \u > | > / \_ Aye, me maties, > / | a new playmate > for Davie he be! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid there's no help for you, your artistic abilities have } reached their top, and you will never be able to produce any } understandable ASCII-graphics. I propose you conform to the } neo-non-figurative-surrealistipre-modern school. } } You owe the oracle the original Mona Lisa in ASCII-format. } (Nah! better not.) --- 382-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest oracle on earth (or even not on earth, for that matter), > I've heard that if you have a philosophy exam with the single question > "Why?", that you should answer it with "Because!". > > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because. } } On account of. Owing to. Or due to. The reason that. Philosophy } searches for universals and. Because "because." is a universal answer } as much as "why?" is a universal question. } } The oracle condescends to elaborate on this, and explain why "because." } is an answer to any inquirer, by giving examples. } } 1. To the linguistic philosopher , "why?" means "why is ""because."" an } answer to ""why?"" ?" and hence the reply "because." merely means } "because ""why?"" is a question for ""because."" ." . } } 2. To the formal logician, the answer to "why?" is "because." because } if "why?" is replaced by the profounder "why???", "because." can } correspondingly be replaced by the profounder "because..." . } } 3. To the epistemologist, the question signifies "why do you think you } know you are ?" , to which the epistemologist has the apposite answer } "because.", which means "I speak ""because."", therefore." } } 4. For the oriental philosopher: The word "because." in Tibetan means } "why ""why?"" ?". } } 5. To the first year graduate student of philosophy, the question, } coming from the professor, means "why are you going to answer this with } ""because."" ?", the student's reply being "because only then can I } hope to become a prof and ask my students ""why?"" ." . } } 6. To the professor, the question signifies a query of the student : } "why must I write this shit to pass?". The professor's answer is : } "Because." --- 382-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, o mighty Oracle, Sage of the Age, Paragon of Knowledge, Acme > of Intellect, why are films still dated with Roman numerals. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have inadvertently stumbled over one of the greatest secrets of all } time. Many people have long suspected that there is some sort of } conspiracy controlling the media, and this is indeed the case. } However, it is not the communists or the moonies or Intel that is doing } the controlling, as is usually suspected, but rather Julius Caesar. } Yes, the Roman emperor. } } Back then, as you probably know, the emperor was considered practically } a god, and as such was expected to live forever. Human belief is a } powerful thing, and occasionally if enough people believe something it } does become true. Hence Julius became one of mankind's few immortals. } However, the catch is that he would continue to live only so long as } people knew about him, and the best way to keep someone in the public } eye is through careful manipulation of the media. } } Even in his own time he was aware of the power of images to manipulate } belief. In fact his famous quote 'Vini, vidi, vici' (I came, I saw, I } conquered) was in fact 'Vini, vidi, video' (I came, I saw, I made a } mini-series). } } He ensured he would be talked about for ages to come by staging a } particularly interesting murder for himself (pretending to be dead also } gave him more time to work on his plans). Centuries later he got } Shakespeare to write a play about him, and the revised interest in his } life gave him a new burst of energy. He also had a salad named for him } about the same time, ensuring that diners for centuries to come would } have him in mind as they ate. } } Ever since then he has been more subtle, but the availability of mass } media now means he can reach millions of people almost instantly. } Consider the popularity of "Animal House" and it's famous toga party. } In one brilliant move Caesar had uncounted frat boys thinking Roman. } And today he almost completely runs the fox network, as can be seen by } the fact that the letters in "Charlie Hoover" and "The Simpsons" can be } rearranged to spell "Caesar is honor. Limp. Shov." This apparently } cryptic message means that Caesar, who considers himself the source of } all honor, is feeling weak and limp because people are not thinking } about him often enough. Therefore, the media must shove his image down } our throats with increased effort. } } Despite Caesar's multi-billion dollar media empire he never quite } grasped modern mathematics, hence his insistence that all movies and TV } shows be stamped with numbers he could understand. } } You owe the Oracle all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius." --- 382-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and charismatic Oracle who understands even what Jesse > Jackson was thinking when he decided to run for President a SECOND > time, please answer my humble questions, the answers to which I have > labored for in vain. > > As I sat here pondering the mysteries of the Universe as laid out in > the Usenet Oracularities Digest, a terror-inspiring thought occurred to > me. You have not recently answered any supplicant's idiotic question > about Twinkies(tm)! Is their some cosmic signifigance to this > prolonged silence on the subject? What are the implications of a > Twinkie(tm)-less Universe? > > Thank you for answering my questions, and for putting my mind at ease. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear and the migrane was almost gone. . . } } The only cosmic significance is that the newer generations of } supplicants were brought up by parents who didn't cram said material } down the throats of their children every day for twelve years. } } This has resulted in a new crop of humans with minds containing more } than digested Hostess food-products. Don't feel lonely though - } spelling is still a problem. } } You owe the Oracle a Cornish pasty. --- 382-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So tell me, O peachy-keen Oracle... > > What's the point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is not what the point is, but where, my dear Lisa. The } answer will be found betwixt your thighs, and--ah! I see you got the } point. } } You owe the Oracle a good ride. --- 382-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty oracle, who's BO is better than *any* aftershave..... > > I know you must be asked this question twenty odd times a second, but I > seemed to have missed seeing any decent answers in the Oracularities: > > WHAT IS THE MEANING OF (MY) LIFE ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The meaning of your life is to grovel before me, sniff my BO, and } kiss Oracular hiney whenever called upon. You are to do so } thankfully and with nary a thought toward compensation. } } In the event, however, that you should seek *MORE* from } existence, you may consider the following as worthy and } meaningful goals: } } 1. (if you're a man) Make sure she comes twice before you even } THINK about yourself, you pig. (if you're a woman) Don't start } unless you plan to finish, and watch those teeth! } } 2. Vote in all elections, if for no other reason than to prevent } David Duke from running the country. } } 3. Keep a bottle of Scope in your desk drawer and use it from } time to time. } } 4. Remember that there is nothing miraculous about your car } windows that makes you invisible to other drivers when you go } digging for gold. The driver in the next lane is more } appreciative of your cooperation that you will ever know. } } 5. Contrary to Monty Python's Meaning of Life, every sperm is } NOT sacred. Wrap that rascal. } } 6. When someone asks "How's it goin?" resist the urge to answer } "It's goin." } } 7. When you ask her out, plan the evening. Don't just show up } at her house and say "Where do you want to go?" } } 8. No means no. } } 9. If the answer is yes, refer to numbers 1, 3 and 7. } } 10. Never hit something smaller than yourself to teach it not to } hit. } } Other than these ten, may I also suggest Bill and Ted's maxim "Be } Excellent to Each Other," which is sound advice. Work for } legalization, love your fellow man, change your underwear and buy } new skivvies when the elastic goes. I, the Oracle, also keep a } little note tacked to my mirror to remind me to donate money to } worthy causes, wax my surfboard, and never, NEVER forget Lisa's } clitoris. } } It's a good life! Now go, live it in peace. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Desiderata." --- 382-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ___________ > / _________ \ O O > / / \ \ / / > | \_______ | | / / > \______________/ / // > _______________---------------/___________/ ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While the Oracle appreciates this offer of desert this Thanksgiving } week, I must decline. I decided on a third helping of curried } ambrosia instead of desert. I couldn't possibly eat another bite. } } You owe the Oracle and after-dinner mint that is Wahfeer-Theen. --- 382-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, Great Oracle! I am completely out of control!!! > > Let me explain. I have some sort of compulsion to do computer > science. It's as if my brain has a mind of its own! I'm not content > unless I'm learning metaobject protocols or writing GNU software! I'm > doing this all the time! I have no control over it! > > My question, Oh Oracle, is thus: is this necessarily bad? I mean, > when I graduate from college in a year, I'll be making more money than > I know what to do with, and I'll be golfing by the time I'm 30! On > the other hand, I'm exhausted. Should I seek professional help? Or > should I shut up and be happy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me answer your question with a little parable. Imagine that } somewhere, far, far away in the misty realms of Iuvax, there is a } Programmer. He (or she - #include ) spends all his } time writing beautiful code, dating beautiful women, waving a beautiful } gold AmEx card at beautiful waitresses while eating the remains of } beautiful pizzas. He has not a care in the world (apart from that bug } in the GNU ++c++ compiler Rich Stallman asked him to write). But, we } have to ask ourselves. Is he happy? } } Of course he's bloody happy. } } On the other hand, the Oracle doesn't necessarily want any competition } in the field of superprogrammerdom. Stick to menial tasks, like } Accountancy. } } On the third hand, the Oracle must seek to enlighten all who request } knowledge in a suitably respectful fashion. Since you already show } signs of Grade One Enlightenment, the Oracle recommends that you carry } straight on into Computer Science with no regrets, but it might be a } good idea to avoid golfing for as long as possible. } } You owe the Oracle one gold AmEx card. --- 382-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Lisa, > > A few days ago I ask the Oracle a question and he didn't give me a > decent response. Would you make sure that he doesn't "get any" until I > get an answer to my question? > > Sincerely, > > Your Humble Servant > > P.S. The Oracle, being the Oracle, should know what my question was. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "What's that? Orrie! Stop it! You're tickling me... You want } me to um, ooh! You want me to make sure the Oracle doesn't "get } any" because of what? } } "Orrie! You've never nibbled me there before and, oh! } } "You said you want me to make sure he answers what? Stop! } Don't! Stop! Don't stop! } } "Listen, whoever you are, why don't you leave another message? } The Oracle and I are, um. . ." [shrieks with laughter] } } "We're busy right now, and. . ." } } {CENSORED} } } We return you to the regularly scheduled program "Southern } Exposure," now in progress. } } Address your Oracle questions (in black or blue-black ink on } white writing paper) to The Usenet Oracle in care of oracle@ } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and maybe, just MAYBE, we'll get back to } you. "Stop it! You're tickling me!" --- 382-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle wisest of pseudo-beings, who knows the meaning of all > strange things which human mortals are unable to grasp. > > When i receive a reply from you, it is preceded by a heading and a few > lines after the heading "X-FACE", and a note that it can be viewed by > "faces" , and something about "from the iuvax archives today". What is > the meaning of these lines ?? > > Your most humble servant (except for Lisa..). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The IUVAX archives is actually a euphemism for the Oracle's own } personal mausoleum and museum, where he keeps the perserved } bodies of supplicants who refuse to grove, people who ask stupid } questions, and others who have lost their privilege to continue a } mortal existence. } } "Faces" is but one of many fascinating displays at the archives. } Visitors are also enchanted by "Kneecaps," a display of New York } mafia-style thuggery from the 'thirties and 'forties, "Butts," a } veritable styotopegic extravaganza, and "Naughty Bits," a } Monty-Pythonesque retrospective of particularly toothsome } genitalia. } } Were you actually to DECODE the x-face message, you would receive } the following wisdom: } } Don't forget to grovel you stupid pig of a mortal. The Oracle's } a BADD mutha, and he's got no patience for skinny-ass-wimps like } you. You may think you're groovy with your 64 mb, internal fax } modem, 68882 math coprocessor, and HoloMouse, but you can't get } dates or you wouldn't be begging the Oracle for so much of his } immortal time. So GET A LIFE for God's sake! Move out of your } parents' basement! And don't forget to kiss Oracular butt at } every opportunity. } } You owe the Oracle a full reading of your computer software } manuals.