From oracle-request Wed Nov 6 13:39:39 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 6 Nov 91 13:39:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #368 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 368 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #368 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 6 Nov 91 13:39:39 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 368 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 363 16 votes 35251 06442 45421 10564 15523 40570 06730 02563 21337 26422 363 3.1 mean 2.8 3.1 2.4 3.8 3.1 2.9 2.8 3.6 3.8 2.8 --- 368-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose keyboard never sticks, whose monitor never makes > strange whistling noises, whose hard disks never crash, whose modem > never drops carrier, whose mouse never sticks, whose memory never fails > a test, whose ROMS checksum, whos floppies never get left under the > phone and then strangly fail to work forever after; why are Exams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle remembers a day, six days and 23 hours after the creation of } the Universe, when God was feeling bored .... } } < screen wavers > } } God: I'm bored. } Oracle: (aside) You need a new screen writer } (to God) Why don't you invent some other form of life. } G: I have already created man, so I am feeling a little depressed } right now. } O: Have another go. Lightning doesn't strike in the same place } twice. } G: Doesn't it. } O: OK. Don't get techincal. May be if you start man a better seed } s/he/it will turn out better. } G: Yes ... educate it ... deprive it of worldly goods and pleasures } for four years, six if it is really unlucky, ... I'll ... I'll } } < great heavenly sounds, like streaking through billowing clouds } tons of other special effects too expensive for an Ocularity } on a tight budget > } } call it a "stupid"! } O: A bit obvious. You are supposed to work in mysterious ways. } G: True. Stupid ... stupid ... I'll come back to that. } So, what features should this, um, stupid have. } O: It should not be too intelligent, for that would be a bad } thing. You didn't give enough to the last lot you made } and look what a mess they are going to make of it. } G: To earn the right to survive it should be made to work } all sorts of strange jobs, doing things even YOU would } consider depraving. } O: Speaking of which ... } G: ... yes. The design team is working on it. } O: The ability to sleep in any position, and in be oblivious } to background noise, would surely be an advantage. } G: And to forget large amounts of very important information } seemingly at random, to give it character. } It would have to live scruffly, to inspire it to get out } of its surrondings. } O: Yes ... look permanently .... dented. } G: The name -- how about "stupid-dented". } O: Too long. They would always be misspelling it. "Student". } Shorter, can be abbreaviated to "stu" for the really } dented. } G: The creature must have a goal. } O: Get drunk, get laid, make money, have a good time, } break into Pentagon computers, read dirty magazines. } G: Stop thinking about what you are going to do tonight and } help me! } O: What's a pentagon. } G: That's for the students to work out. } O: So what is this goal? } G: It would have to be painful, but relieving when it is all over } Require massive amounts of preperation, which they won't ever } finish. Shall appear completely pointless and will be nearly } as pointless. If they fail it they will be forced to stay } another year. } O: Sort of an trial. } G: Trial ... how about if they fail I execute them. } O: Too mean. You would't have any left. } G: I will need to see if they are still working ... to examine them } O: } G: Exams! Of course. Another word they can't misspell. To be carried } out by an elite priest hood of ex stupids, um, students. } } And so it was, six days, 23 hours and fifty-seven minutes after the } creation of the Universe, God said "Let there be students". After } thirty seconds of drunken orgie, God said "Let there be exams" and } the masses wept and cried and begged God for mercy. But God said } he had spoken, and had something special to do a certain deity in } the remaining 60 seconds before he rested. } } O: Oh, btw, about that } G: Yes, here she is .. } L: Oracle! } O: Lisa! } L: Oracle! } } } } < screen wavers back to its original scene> } } There you are. Exams are because exams are. God has spoken. } } You owe the Oracle a champange breakfast on a traffic island } (scheduled for just after the of term), a large amount of } caffine and that missing piece of film from his archive. --- 368-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most way cool Oracle, whose nose I am unfit to pick, whose sexual > prowess exceeds Clarence Thomas's, whose VCR clock never flashes 88:88, > answer me my pitiful, insignificant, and downright stupid question. > > Where does yellow come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask that. The Oracle was just watching a } documentary about that. Let's watch... } } [TITLES: Mutual of Omaha Presents: Where Yellow Comes From. DRAMATIC } MUSIC] } } FADE TO: Exterior, jungle. } } VOICEOVER (Marlin Perkins): Jim and I are here in the Amazon rain } forest stalking the elusive pigmented sloth. This solitary creature is } the sole source of many of the world's colors. What are we after } today, Jim? } } ENTER Jim } } Jim: We're after a yellow sloth, Marlin. Pigmented sloths come in } three colors, all of which include yellow. The orange sloths live up } in the highlands over there, while the green sloths are more or less } aquatic. They've been domesticated by Brazilian farmers and are now } being raised on commercial pigment farms. But the yellow sloth is } found only in the wild. } } CAMERA FOLLOWS Jim THROUGH RAIN FORECT } } Jim: Last week, we tagged a baby yellow sloth with a special radio } transmitter on a plastic collar. With this recieving unit, we should } be able to trace him anywhere. } } VOICEOVER (Marlin): How big do these sloths get, Jim? } } Jim: Oh, in their mature stage, they can get up to seven feet tall and } nearly a thousand pounds. They're known maneaters when they get that } big, but there's no need for us to worry about that. The one we tagged } was just a baby, maybe fifty pounds at most. Say, he should be just } beyond those bushes. } } VOICEOVER (Marlin): Oh, Jim, I forgot to tell you that in close } proximity to plastic, a yellow sloth can reach full maturity in just } four days? } } Jim: What? } } VOICEOVER (Marlin): Yes, and there's the yellow sloth uprooting trees } in a playful mood as he comes to see what that beeping sound is. Maybe } he'd like to taste the tracer? } } Jim: I'm going to get you for this, Perkins!! } } Jim BUSTS A MOVE FOR THE HORIZON. Sloth EATS CAMERAMAN. } } VOICEOVER (Marlin): That's all for today. Join us next week on Mutual } of Omaha's Wild Kingdom! } } You owe the Oracle a life insurance policy. --- 368-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, greatest of the great, wisest of the wise, who knows how many > seas a white dove must sail before she sleeps in the sand, I beseech > thee to answer the following question: > > When will there be an important third political party in the USA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's a few ways I could answer your question, depending: } } 1) Well, what do you call the Democratic Party? } 2) Well, what do you call the Republican Party? } 3) Considering how similar these two partys are, don't you think a more } accurate question would be "When will there be an important second } political party in the USA?" } } But I think I understand the question that you wanted to ask. It's } basically too late for the coming elections, but in 1996, after the big } blow-up, there will be a few 'alternative' party choices: } } Socialists: Will be unexpectedly thrust into the spotlight when Dan } Quayle accidently marks their bubble when applying to } run for office. "These guys are really gracious," the } bemused candidate will be quoted as saying. } Monster Truck } Coalition: These guys have surprised UC Berkeley students with the } (if you will excuse me) inroads they've made into } campus politics. They will rise to national prominence } by killing then-president Bush by running over his } motorcade in 1995. The coalition won't be too } successful on the national level after this move, as } popular sentiment will hold that they should have } squished Quayle first. } } Party3.0: In a surprise move, Bill Gates will announce that he is } running for office under his own party. "Microsoft has } barely managed to keep its head above water in this } hostile market- we were forced to take over Apple, IBM, } and Intel, but even that was not enough. I decided that } the American people deserved better." Political } Analysts are still trying to figure this statement out, } but insiders report that Phillipe Kahn wall have long } since moved to Canada. } } Calvin Party: Though popular at first, this party will be plagued by } infighting as Calvin and his runningmate Hobbes argue } over just who will get to be president and who will } have to be veep. Finally, both will be disqualified } when it is pointed out that (a) Hobbes is a tiger (b) } Calvin is underage and (c) they're both Canadians. } } SAG: Stupid voters trying to regain "the Reagan magic" will } press the Screen Actor's Guild for more candidates. } Bruce Willis will almost be put forward as a possible } candidate, but the CIA will request that its leaders } stop being promoted out of the department. Bill Cosby } will be their final candidate, but no one will vote for } him, believing him to be fiction. } Euthanasia } Party: This short-lived (ahem) special interest party will put } forward George Washington as their candidate (Abe for } Veep), but will be disqualified when it is pointed out } that their candidate has already been president for two } terms. } } Oracle Party: Fed up with the pork-barrel fed regular parties and } intrigued by the idea of an omniscient leader, the } American Public will vote Oracle in a big way in 1996. } The Oracle will in fact WIN, which will then cause all } manner of problems when it is revealed that no one } actually knows exactly who the Oracle is. In the end, } all citizens will be given e-mail accounts, and each } presidential decision to be made will be written up and } sent to a random person. At the same time, the Oracle } will be expected to keep up the old duties, leading to } problems since it will often be hard to tell whether a } query concerns someone's personal life, philosophy, or } national policy. "So what do I tell the big guy?" } could be diplomat wandering what the official policy } towards Lichtenstein was going to be, a regular Joe } worried about meeting his maker, or just someone who's } worried about being sat upon. } } You owe the Oracle Canadian citizenship. Fast. --- 368-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise one, Tell me what would happen if all the workers at the > M&M (tm) factory all decided that the M's were W's and all the M&M's got > thrown away. While we're on the subject, What would be the social, > political economical, moral, and ethical impacts be? (just another > curious question, how would Sadaam Heusien take the bad news too?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question! The consequences would indeed be grave. So grave, in } fact, that this scenario received special attention during the most } recent set of wargames held in the Oracle Timespace Situation Room. } You see, some might naively assume that M&M's are of significance only } as sources of chocolate that won't melt in your hand and get your } trigger finger all sticky. In truth, they are much more. } } M&M's are the primary source of the letter "M" in your demention, } excuse me, in your DIMENSION. They are also a vital secondary source } of ampersands, commonly used in legal partnerships. Without M&M's, } vast sections of the economy would collapse. Heck, you couldn't even } SPELL econowy mithout thew. Fortunately, the Oracle Ewergency } Pre-Response Teaw has developed a plan to safeguard against such a } calawity. } } Er, excuse we. Me seew to be having a tewporary problew here. Me } should be able to ... dawwit ... this thing's medged again. Better } reboot mhile I still can ... I'll explain it to the Big Guy later. } He'll understand. *gulp* I think. } } SHUTDOMN wessage frow user ORACLE at TSPACE$OPA0: 17:25:03 } EARTH mill shut domn in 0 winutes; back up via autowatic reboot. } Please log off node EARTH. } Reason for shutdomn: EWERGENCY WAINTENANCE } } %SHUTDOMN-F-BADSTUFF, unable to cowplete shutdomn procedure } -DCL-E-OPENIN, error opening SYS$WANAGER:SHUTDOMN.COW as input } -RMS-F-DEV, error in device nawe or inappropriate device type for } operation } } ^B } >>>HALT } (*thud*) } } You owe the oracle source listings for the earth in BOOKREADER format. --- 368-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need an answer to this question, oh mighty soothsayer. I have > pondered this question for years; have consulted with intellectuals > from all over the United States and many countries in Europe. Please, > I humbly beg of you, Oh mighty oracle "How did fried onion rings get > their name??" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, oh humble supplicant, is this: } } Many years ago there was a travelling monk who was morbidly afraid of } catching a cold. To ward off the germs he wore circles of onion around } his body, and for this reason he was known as the Onion Friar. Whenever } he came near a village, all the villagers would burst into tears, and } so they decided he was a witch and must be burnt at the stake. This was } duly accomplished. When the time came to remove the charred body from } the ashes, it was still rather hot to the touch, and one of the } villagers was obliged to snatch back his hand hastily and put it in his } mouth. Doing this, he realised that the Onion Friar's rings were very } tasty. Thenceforth they were known as Friar Onion Rings, until it was } found that they could be cooked far more conveniently without the monk. } People then forgot the origin of the name and the first word was } "corrected" to Fried. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to yr next barbecue. --- 368-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and senile Oracle, whose liver I am too humble to perpetuate, > whose grocery clerk marries the CIA, all-seeing, do tell me this, > please. Am I really a maniac? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE CENTRAL: Oracle...Oracle...Wherefore art thou Oracle? We } have a question for you... } } ORACLE RECEPTIONIST: Will you please hold while I attempt to summon } his great, huge, wise, wonderfulness? } } (Speaking into etherial tranceiver headset...) } Groveler...Come in Groveler!...This is Marge... } We got a live one...Alert the Big Guy! } } GROVELER: Oh, no! He's in there with one of the Oraclettes, } and He's got the "Do not disturb my omnicient } immensity with mundane trivialities" sign out. } Oh well, here's for it... } } (Groveler knocks softly at the immense golden } door and opens it slightly. High pitched giggles } and squeals are heard along with "Oh yes! your } wise and wonderful, omnipotent immensity, you } foresee my every desire...Ahhhh..." In a } monotone whine Groveler begins.) } } Oh great, wise and wonderful Oracle, from whose } lips all truth and profundity flows like honey. A } mortal awaits the shining of your blinding insigt } to provide revelations unthinkable by mundane } minds. Line three. } } ORACLE: Hmmm... Yes...It's coming in now...liver?...CIA? } why how these mortals dare!...maniac? What? } That's it? By definition, all mortals are } maniacs. But I doubt that will satisfy this idle } mind. } } (Speaking into the air...) } Marge, take a response. } } ORACLE RECEPTIONIST: Yes sir, your pomposity. Forsee away. } } ORACLE: Oh mortal, your mind wanders as the butterfly and } alights briefly upon my windowsill. Your wings } flutter as if to ask a question. } } The oracle, patient and wise, views your } spectacle and responds: GET A LIFE. YOU'VE } OBVIOUSLY GOT TOO MUCH FREE TIME. } } Ponder this message, and join the wise in } bliss... --- 368-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, powerful, and infinitely optimised, > whose source code should be engraved on stone tablets > to enlighten the masses, I crave a moment of your time. > > When will humanity be rid of Fortran? The computers I > help administer are of the most modern design, with > X and GUIs and PostScript, yet are used by heathen > ex-VAXers who write 100,000 line DO loops and think > that 'F7.2' is the answer to life, the universe, and > everything. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the all-wise and omniscient Oracle deign to answer your question. } Though it might seem surprising, the answer is to be found in theology. } For Fortran, like bad domestic beer and those haircuts that are shaved } on the sides, long in the back, and spiked on the top, is in fact a } product of original sin. Every universe has its imperfection, and the } universe of computers is no exception. Only when those infected with } original sin (in this case, a marked prediliction for obscure computer } languages) pass from the scene will the joyful day of liberation come } when a user can do his thing with a GUI and not be jeered at by } propellerheads. } } You owe the Oracle one copy of Thomas Aquinas's _Summa Theologica_ on } CD-ROM. --- 368-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lookit! Lookit! I'm standing on my head! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really cute, but you shouldn't have chopped it off--it makes it too } easy, too messy, and you can only do it once. } } You owe the Oracle John the Baptist. --- 368-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who is indeed very *very* oracular please enlighten my > dim dark mind and tell me; are magic noodles really magic?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Preliminary report: On the magical properties of magic noodles } Author: The USENET Oracle } Project number: #23a-k-114-93 } } Synopsis: } Allegations have been made as to the so - called 'magical' } properties of a certain kind of noodles, known as 'magical noodles'. } This preliminary report discusses the impact of the presence of these } implements on two well - know magical phenomena, coming to the } conclusion that further study is necessary in these fields. } } Main Text: } Magical phenomena have long been observed in different fields; } however, the environment of these observations has been detrimental } to regular scientific observations, because the performers of these } magical feats usually have refused closer examination. } } In this study, it was felt that the best way to observe magical } phenomena is to restrict the field in such a way that statistical } observation becomes meaningful. The way chosen was to test wether } the - easily observable - presence of certain 'magical' implements, } i. e. noodles, has a statistically meaningful impact on the } spontaneous occurrence of magical phenomena. Studied were } } - the frequency of finding rabbits in hats (denoted f(h) in this } article) } } - the frequency of spontaneous recombination of a female of the } species 'homo sapiens' after sawing her in half (denoted f(s)) } } Preliminary lab tests showed no significant deviation in these } two rates when magic noodles were present. It was suggested by a } member of the team, however, that this might be due to an 'unmagical } atmosphere' in the laboratory, probably some kind of air pollution } specific to scientific institutions. Acting on this, the testing } equipment was removed to a beach near Miami, Florida, USA. Results } there showed that f(h) showed a marked increase when 'magic noodles' } were present; f(s) could not be tested because of difficulty in } aquiring the necessary number of test subjects. } } Further testing was then carried out on a beach mentioned by Adams /1/ } in the Bahamas; there, both f(h) and f(s) showed an increase when } magical noodles were present which was significant to 95%. } } Furter studies, for which additional funding will be needed, are } planned in } } - St. Tropez, France } } - St. Moritz, Switzerland } } - Las Vegas, Nevada, USA } } for which a staff of two (the author and his assistant, Lisa) will be } sufficient. } } The author would like to express his thanks to the National Science } Foundation for their continuing support. } } ----- } /1/ Adams, D.: Dirk Gently's Holisic Detective Agency --- 368-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so depressed? *sigh* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Ten Most Important Reasons You Are So Depressed *Sigh* } } 10- You have a medical disorder in which the shorter days of } Winter allow less light to strike your retinas causing } a chemical imbalance in your brain resulting in depression. } } 9- You have a psychological disorder in which the increased } amount of clothing worn by the opposite sex in Winter causes } a chemical imbalance in your brain resulting in depression. } } 8- You live in the Southern Hemisphere and have a psychological } disorder in which the decreased amount of clothing worn by } the opposite sex in Summer... naah... } } 7- You are the leader of a former world superpower and your vacation } to the beach was a real bummer this year. } } 6- You invested your Mother-in-law's retirement fund in Lincoln } Savings and now Charles Keating has arranged for her to stay in } your extra bedroom. } } 5- Spock is back. } } 4- Your personal sense of self-worth comes from ranting about the } environmental effects of the oil fires in Kuwait and the last one } was just extinguished. } } 3- You are George Bush's cardiologist and it's still a year until the } presidential election. } } 2- You live in New Jersey. (yes, even the omnieverything Oracle takes } a cheap shot now and then). } } And now the number one reason you are so depressed *sigh* } } [drum roll] } } 1- You spend too much time sitting in front of that terminal. There } are birds chirping and flowers growing and little children playing } and singing and clouds drifting and suns shining and here comes } Lisa and