From oracle-request Sun Oct 27 00:50:20 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 27 Oct 91 00:50:20 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #363 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 363 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #363 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 27 Oct 91 00:50:20 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 363 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 358 21 votes 26850 17562 4b411 46731 19731 22287 23484 24843 44553 08625 358 3.0 mean 2.8 3.0 2.2 2.6 2.7 3.8 3.4 3.1 3.0 3.2 --- 363-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracular type person, dude of Useneticity, I ask of > thee a question of great importance. A question whose answer has been > sought out since the Great Long Distance Break-up. > > Answer me this, most radical of information service type people: > > Does God have a phone number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, good seeker, god does have a phone number. In fact, he has his } own area code, and every phone number in that area code is his. This } area code is 408. Unfortunately, it is hard to reach god on any of } these lines, because conventional telephones have no slash in the } O's... } } This reminds me very much of a question I was asked recently: } } "Oracle, how come god preforms no miracles of biblical proportions } these days?" } } The answer to both lies in this little gem of wisdom: } } You could reach goals beyond your own comprehension, } if you didn't spend all day on the internet. --- 363-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do babies come out of mothers and not fathers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INSOLENT MORTAL! You must grovel and humble yourself when you ask a } question of the all knowing, all seeing, all mighty Oracle. You are } lucky I am in a good mood, as I will answer your question and curse you } with only a mild case of hemmoroids for your insolant behavior. } } As for your question, can you imagine a baby trying to crawl through } the hole of the male genitalia? But perhaps, just perhaps, you're } question was meant to be taken in a broader sense, asking about the } origins or the process. I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and } shall reveal this knowledge to you: } } % Flashback -bce on } } Adam and Eve had just gotten the boot from the garden of Eden and God } was faced with a monumental problem. He had not yet selected the way } in which human's would reproduce. He had tried various different } methods with the other animals about, but didn't think anything quite } fit. Still feeling angry at Adam, Eve, and the snake for their part } in 'the tree incident', He considered forcing both of them to pass } eggs through their rectum. He decided, in his infinite mercy, that } this was too harsh, and evetually decided to place most of the } responsibity on Eve, still blaming her for disobeying his command. He } gave the snake the eggs, and instead gave Eve, and thus all decendants } of mankind < } % ^z } That's mankind as in all humans, the Oracle holds no prejudice, he } sees all people as equally insignificant } % fg } > the responsibility of raising a live human being for an entire year } inside of her body before it was born. } Eve, of course, was outraged, and received no sympathy from Adam } who looked very sorry in her presense but she just KNEW he was laughing } behind her back. She had a heated argument with God which earned her } a monthly period and PMS. She did manage to convince God that a year } was too harsh from the child's point of view, and got Him to lower the } time to 9 months. } } % end of flashback } } You owe the Oracle a Condom. --- 363-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you tell me which of the four directions is right for the place > that I sit in? I feel like I sit in the North, where buffalo is, but > I'm not sure.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle will determine which direction is right by a process } of elimination. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the north: } } } } } } There are buffalo in that direction, as you said, but they are } now stampeding east. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the west: } } } } } } The Pacific Ocean is that way. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the south: } } } } } } That takes care of that pesky David Duke. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the east: } } } } } } You are in the east. } } } } Ooops, forgot about the buffalo. Hope they can find your } remains. } } You owe the Oracle a hand-drawn map of the world showing all } objects larger than 1 meter, with a small sign saying "I am here" } at your current location. --- 363-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do for halloween? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The activities of a person on halloween are particularly based on age. } Select the proper activity from the list below. } } unborn: Take a ride with mom (in the clown suit), and the } other kids in the neighborhood. Get an early start on } hardening arteries by having mom eat 1/2 the candy before } she gets home. } } age 0 - 3: Drool on your costume while not in the presence of } adults. Scream and cry/hide upon meeting strangers. Gnaw } on candy in the wrapper. } } age 4 - 10: Trick-or-treat in a costume of popular cartoon character } obtained from K-mart. Get candy stuck in hair and } costume. } } age 11 - 13: Attempt to manufacture your own costume from your own } ideas. End up wearing costume form age 10. Loose 1/2 } your candy when the bottom falls out of your bag in the } rain. } } age 14 - 18: Realize that these are final years that you can } "realisitcally" still get free candy on halloween. Party } with friends and experiment with candy flavor liqueurs. } } age 19 - 25: Your supposed to be studying in college now. What do you } mean halloween? Visit fraternity/sorority halloween } party and demonstrate prowess with candy flavor liqueurs. } } age 26 - 30: Get first house with new spouse, and attempt to entertain } kids on halloween. Buy econo-size candy and local } warehouse food distribution center, and eat all that's } left over. } } age 31 - 35: Yell at your *O#$**(&%$ spouse to get the door and take } care of those screaming kids. Munch on "heart smart" } seasame seed candy. } } age 36 - 40: Take *O$**(&%$ kids out to get candy in the neigborhood. } Dress in costume if necessary. Return home and fight } with spouse who ate all the "extra" candy and didn't } leave you any. } } age 41 - 45: Try to figure out what all the other divorced people do } on halloween. Begin quietly eating the kid's halloween } candy as they return home. } } age 46+: Die from eating all that halloween candy ASAP. This } makes the life insurance companies happy. Bonus points } are scored for death before age 65. } } Dead: Audition for screen appearance in the filming of } Friday the 13th part XC. } ---- } } You owe the oracle all of your saltwater taffy. --- 363-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and magnificient Oracle please clear up this great mystery for > me. > > My girlfriend's name is Brenda. Now, I know that David means beloved, > and my last girlfriend's name was Barbara which means strange and > unusual, but pray tell me, what does Brenda mean???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, this is indeed a great mystery, nonetheless I, the wise and } magnificent Oracle, shall attempt to explain it to you. } } Your answer lies in the ancient and mystical art of numbers! A } philosophy eveloped by an ancient race of mathematicians who were later } wiped out by barbarion hordes, numbers can provide the answer to all of } life's problems. } } In your case David, your name has 5 letters and Barbara has 7 letters. } "Beloved" has 7 letters, as does "strange" and "unusual". "Strange and } unusual" has 17 letters. The sum of the values of your relationship } with Barbara ( "David and Barbara" = "beloved and strange and unusual" } ) is 15 = 27. If you examine these results closely you will see a } pattern of 7's. Since 7 is a lucky number indicating luck in love this } obviously means the disharmony of your name ruined your relationship } with Barbara ( It would have been successful if your name had been } Stephen - 7 letters, 17 = 27, note the sevens). } } Benda has 7 letters as well, which bodes well for your relationship } with her. David and Brenda = beloved and ?, or 5+3+6 = 7+3+?, which } means 14 = 10+?. So, her name definately means a four letter word - } "carp". Since the lucky number 7 is still present (14/2=7), and the } Equation balances (14=14), I predict great things in your relationship } with Brenda. } } You owe the Oracle the derivative of David with respect to Brenda, carp } <=0 and beloved(Brenda)=42. --- 363-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sob ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? You *dare* call the Oracle a son of a bitch?? } Here I am, working my tail off for measly peons such as yourself, } giving up my free time, my work time, and even my time with Lisa } to answer every single question you come up with, and I still get } this blatant attack to my persona? After...*wipe tear*...all I } have done for you, you just...send me...hate...*sniff*..mail } all day long like I weren't...*blow nose*...a real person. Sob! } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex. --- 363-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was that professor at indiana.edu serious about dinosaurs passing so > much gas that they caused global warming, and then died? > > Or is this one of your better tricks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is in fact true. The professor you speak of is actually the } nationally acclaimed Dr. Dave Barry, endowed stool of journalism at } Dade County Correctional Instruction. As noted in several of his } scholarly articles, unauthorized emissions from the tailpipes of } various large farm animals are responsible for the current woes being } cleverly passed off as the fault of the Republican administration. } } Additional research funded by the Taco Bell Research Institute has } discovered that dinosaurs are in fact responsible for the oil and gas } deposits located around the country, but that the causal mechanism was } poorly understood. In fact, what we now call "West Texas } Intermediate" is really the remnants of a "Big Dino Burrito" special } from the wade-through window of the Mesozoic Mall. We leave you to } draw your own conclusions about the material now being marketed as } "Natural" gas... } } And now that the Oracle has enlightened you, he advises that you } approach from _down_ wind the next time! --- 363-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O host with the most, please tell me the following: > > Why do bees fly when scientists say that their bodies aren't suitable > for flight? > > I wait for your answer... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kinda shows how much your scientists know, doesn't it? } } Flying has little to do with the shape, size, or weight of one's body. } Notice that bees, eagles, squirrels, and 747s all fly, even though } their shape, size, and weight all vary greatly. } } As has been pointed out before, flying is the knack of throwing } yourself at the ground, and missing. This requires a highly distracted } state of mind, and invokes the Law of Selective Gravitation. This has } been illustrated many times in educational films such as old Road } Runner cartoons. } } Bees can fly because their minds are so small that it doesn't take much } to distract them. The prospect of a pollen-filled blossom is enough to } make them forget to fall. } } Eagles (and birds in general) can fly because they're so intent on } finding dinner in the bushes below, or on getting away from that larger } bird that's chasing them (for ITS dinner), that they forget about } gravity. } } Squirrels can fly because (paradoxically) they don't do it very well. } For them, the sheer risk of trying to make that flying leap to the next } branch is enough to distract them from hitting the ground. } } 747s can fly because the people on board get so distracted by the } amount of money the thing costs, that hitting the ground is just } completely forgotten. It's so important that the pilots maintain this } distracted state that they are surrounded by gobs of distracting } things, like navigation instruments, engine RPMs, and Air Traffic } Control. Occasionally, a group of passengers start to wonder why they } don't hit that big earth below, and all the distractions in the world } won't keep the thing up, and a crash results. } } You owe the Oracle one Bernoulli. --- 363-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most humble Oracle, I must have the answer to the following question, > else I shall die. > > If roses are red, and violets are blue, what color are mirrors? > > I anxiously wait your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Investigation into the color of mirrors. } ---------------------------------------- } } Abstract: In response to an anonymous inquiry, the notion of the } color of mirrors is contrasted with the notion of color in two } different types of flora. Both anecdotal evidence and empirical } research are employed and the possibility of several solutions, } dependent on initial boundary conditions, is proposed. } } Introduction: The concept of color has long been an important } one in the classification of objects. "I feel blue" laments } the typical country and western singer, indicating an empathy } with the flower of the violet. Such color classification is } often used to introduce apparently unrelated topics also. For } instance, in the traditional rhyme: } } Roses are red } Violets are blue (*) } Bush might seem stupid } But Quayle's number two. } } (*) Why violets are not referred to as being violet remains a } topic for further research. See also Goldberg (1987), The Colour } Purple. } } Method: Anecdotal evidence was collected by asking friends for } their opinions as to the color of mirrors. One group, a control } group, was simply asked for the color, whilst another was told } what colors violets and roses are before the question was asked. } } Empirical research was performed by looking first at } violets, then at roses, then at a mirror. } } Results: There was one respondent in each of the two categories } mentioned earlier. Results are given in table 1. } } Table 1 - Anecdotal evidence as to mirror coloration. } Group Reply } ----- ----- } Control How the hell would I know? } Prompted Black, as near as I can tell. } } It is worth noting that respondents in both groups live } in the same house, where the power has just been cut off. We may, } however, safely assume that this does not bias the study. } } In empirical enquiries, after looking at roses and violets, } and then looking at a mirror, all that was observed was a brilliant } white glow. See Bacchus (1543 BC), Why the Oracle Keeps Evaporating } My Beer. } } Conclusion: Mirrors are white for me, and black for everyone else. --- 363-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr Oracle -- > > Is it true that, in the world of the future, > there will be vast cities made entirely of Q-tips? > ( I hope so, because I like Qtips. ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What kind of groveling is that? And that's MS Oracle to you! You owe } the Oracle three boxes of } } [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Answer the bloody question!] } } ear wax dissolver. } } Yes, of course. Actually, vast cities are already made of metaphorical } Q-tips. You see, the architectural field has long been dominated by } men with a distinct case of penis envy. In ancient Egypt, they built } pyramids, because, of course, it was length and width that counted the } most. This paroxysm of metaphorical erection sated architects for the } most part until the late Middle Ages, when among the Christian clergy, } a new wave of penis envy struck, causing the plannign and erection of } taller and more elaborate cathedrals, with higher, taller, and kinkier } spires and flying buttresses. The clergy really liked to dress up and } do it that way. The modern era ended yet another respite, starting } with the erection of the Eiffel tower (since French architects liked } sparseness), and accelerated with the Chrysler building (tall, sleek, } and in the car), and reached its climax with the Empire State Building } (since power is an aphrodisiac). } } Since Q-Tips, like all these tall buildings, are redolent of the male, } whether or not cities actually are built out of Q-Tips, they might as } well have been made thereof, for quite some time now. No wonder you } like Q-Tips so much. } } [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Much better. Now make your } bed!] } } You owe the Oracle an Erector set.