From oracle-request Wed Oct 23 08:11:35 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 23 Oct 91 08:11:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #361 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 361 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #361 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 23 Oct 91 08:11:35 -0500 *** NOTE: This is the *real* volume #361. A duplicate of #350, numbered *** #361, accidentally went out to some people on the mailing list Monday. *** If you received one, please disregard this duplicate -- do not submit *** votes for it. Please do submit votes for *this* volume as #361. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 361 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 356 20 votes 05465 38612 3b510 34472 18731 14672 26570 53741 1a711 29630 356 2.8 mean 3.5 2.5 2.2 3.0 2.8 3.3 2.8 2.7 2.5 2.5 --- 361-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Ronco-Matic Vegtable Juicer, I am cursed with acne still > at age 26, and know some who suffer in their 40's, when shall my facial > oil wells dry up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you may have heard in the past, the most common answer to this } question is "after you lose your virginity;" sex is indeed excellent } for the complexion. It's one of the cosmic practical jokes that } the Big Guy worked out when He created adolescence--you need sex to } be attractive, and you need to be attractive to have sex. Pretty } funny, huh? *I* sure think so! Laughed myself silly for weeks! } (Agree with me, son, He's listening in.) } } Unfortunately, like all practical jokes, this one goes a little } too far sometimes. This is one of those times--you shouldn't } still be suffering at 26, and as you pointed out, some people } go through it for much longer. It's really quite tragic. Not } that I'm complaining! It's well worth it for all those terrific } belly laughs, eh? Eh? Hee hee hee! What a card! } } All I can recommend right now is keep your face as clean as } possible, and use a good astringent. Benzoyl peroxide can } also help to some extent, as can short cycles of antibiotics. } It might also help if you point at your image in the mirror } and laugh like a maniac; the Big Guy is often helpful to people } who pretend to like his jokes. I mean, people who LIKE his } jokes! I LOVE 'em, myself! I think your face is hilarious! } Really, an absolute laugh riot! And I'm not saying that just } because I'll get hit with another lightning bolt if I don't! } No sir! Fun fun fun! } } Anyway, good luck, and you don't owe the Oracle anything. } You've suffered enough. Sure was *funny* though! --- 361-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me noble oracle, whose intelligence is greater than George > Burns' age... > > What do I do when my girlfriend refuses to > "conjugate relations"? (Even if I've got protection!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She's right. "Relations" is a noun, and thus should be } declined. Verbs are conjugated. Try flowers. } } You owe the ORACLE a drink. --- 361-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, most wise oracle: > > Why can I not get through calculus, no matter how many times I try it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because dictionaries just were not meant to be read cover } to cover in a single sitting. Try just skipping to the corect } page... trust me, the plot has very few suprizes. } } You owe the ORACLE another collection of stupid human } tricks. --- 361-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great And Most Wise Oracle, have mercy on me. > > In my haste to clean the disks, I accidentally windexed the file > containing archive information. How can I get back issues of the > Oracle Digest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a little known fact, but the Dead Sea Scrolls are in fact back } issues of the Oracle Digest. Such back issues are hidden in caves, } arryos, grottos, and dead seas all over the world, there to confound } and cause grevious mental confusion to all who happen upon them. } } If you don't want to search the world, due to lack of funds or a gamy } leg, try an anonymous FTP to iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and look in directory } pub/oracle. --- 361-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh you Greatest of all... > > I have a technical question. > > What exactly is Gaussian noise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gaussian noise is the sound Freshman and Sophmore math students make } when they are attempting to do matrix operations on their homework. } It is somewhat similar to integral noise, differential noise, and } logarithmic noise. It sounds something like: } } ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } If you live in a dormitory, you have undoubtably heard it. } } This is not to be confused with Gaussian elimination. The is the } act of purchasing a gun and eliminating a Math professor with it. } } You owe the oracle an explanation of why Newton actually invented } higher math in the first place. --- 361-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, o silly Oracle, are my cookies stale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yuck!! First you toss your cookies, and then you want a freshness } analysis on the result? Sorry, the Oracle doesn't stoop to that. --- 361-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there no blue M&Ms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, you didn't GROVEL. I HATE it when people don't grovel. The } last person who didn't grovel was from the United States, and in } revenge I made George Bush get elected president (that'll teach those } upstarts.) Trust me my lad, you DON'T want to ask things of the Oracle } without groveling. Because this is your first question I'll let you off } easy; minor traffic accident or two and a hassle with your next } change-of-address card. That should encourage you to stay on your toes. } } Oh, yes. The question. As you well know, M&M's are not actually MADE } anywhere. In fact, M&Ms are one of the rarer sub-atomic particles } created during the immense pressures and unique conditions of the Big } Bang -- right next to the bosons, hadrons, colons, Fleishman'N'Pons } (existance hotly debated) and so forth. Your puny world's scientists } have spent years fiddling with cyclotrons and atom-smashers to produce } M&M's when they could just be going out to the nearest snack machine } and buying them for about one forty-billionth the cost of your average } Superconducting Supercollider. Dweebs. } } Oh, yes. The question. Anyway, these M&M's, once produced, orbit } through the Universe at just under the speed of light, immune to all of } the known forces and most unknown ones. Once they come within the } gravitational field of influence of a major planet they come spiraling } down and come to rest at a field nexus point. Much to the delight of } the fortuitously-named M&M-Mars Company, the field nexus point for } Earth is in the parking lot of their biggest factory. That's where they } get the M&M's they sell; they just come spiraling down out of the } atmosphere. The bit with the workers and the cocoa beans is just a } front, you see. The only inconvenient part of this whole deal is that } half of the M&M's are ANTI-M&M's (easily identified because they have a } W on them instead of an M) and must be thrown away, but other than that } it's worked out well. } } Oh, yes. The question. See, originally there was no color "blue". Back } when God was drawing up the plans for the Universe, He, in His infinite } wisdom, had decided there would be only five colors in all: red, } yellow, mauve, puce, and Mitch. However, this plan soon ran afoul of } the powerful Supernatural Construction Workers Local 42, who pointed to } union regulations stating that all Universes must have at least 64 } colors, so that the numbering for the Crayola boxes will work out OK. } } Oh, yes. The question. } } Er, what was the question? I've forgotten. } } You owe the Oracle the question. --- 361-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, the Bob Vilas of the Universe, Electrician > of the Stars, Plumber of the Clouds, tell me why it is that when I get > one thing in my apartment fixed, something else immediately falls > apart? > > I get the electricity fixed, and the heat stops working. No sooner has > the heating repairman left the building, and the shower faucet starts > dripping, incessantly. Get that fixed, and the washer decides to not > wash anything except in the "Delicates" cycle. I am almost afraid to > have this fixed. I fear that my ceiling may collapse on me, or that my > car might be inflicted. What can I do, oh Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DAVE BARRY MODE ON } } I had it described to me not long ago, by my good friend } Harv the male stripper and odd jobs man (don't ask). The } underlying reason turns out to be really very simple. All } the appliances, hardware, and other stuff in people's } apartments got together some years ago, and formed a union. } } That's right, even in this age of Reaganomics, the union movement } is still strong, only it's moved to a more grassroots level. } Which, by the way, explains all the trouble I've been having } lately with my lawn. But I digress. } } What you have to do is cut their lines of communication. } But you have to be subtle, or you'll be hauled into court } on a charge of interfering with a lawfully elected union. } (Unless you can convince the judge that you are Clarence } Thomas's bastard child and were just doing it out of innocent } fun.) Start by unplugging all the appliances that have } plugs, and plug in all the ones that don't. The latter } may not be easy to do unless you've studied Zen, or it's } a Thursday (I'm still not sure why this makes a difference, } but trust me). } } DAVE BARRY MODE OFF } } Hmmm, that's not going so well. Even the real Dave Barry } might not have much luck with this one, and Faux Dave Barry } is no bloody use at all, only serving to irritate. Here, } I'll start again. } } GEORGE BUSH MODE ON } } Golly, that's a tough one, situation-wise. The first thing, } unless a kinder, gentler one comes along, and I should know } from personal experience, at least. Iraq, Grenada, ya know. } Um. Gotta unplug the washer, electricity-wise. Can't work on } it before that. Wouldn't be prudent. Danny did that once. } Capacitance City. Thousand points of light, ya know. } } GEORGE BUSH MODE OFF } } Ack. Pretty lame. I can't concentrate. Leave me alone. Oh, } all right, here's one more try. } } ALL-KNOWING ORACLE MODE ON } } You can't do anything about it, because that's the way } the universe works, you puny snivelling piece of snot. } You make me want to puke. Now go away or I shall taunt } you a second time. } } ALL-KNOWING ORACLE MODE OFF } } Or was that Monty Python mode? Sigh. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of ceiling plaster. --- 361-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great on, though divine lordship, will you not please tell me the > answer to that greatest riddle in the universe. That great puzzle that > puzzled the likes of Aristotle, Galileo, Steve Davis, Aunty Dot. > The most perplexing puzzle of all time, that untold mystery. > > How in hell do you program the video timer so that it actually > records the program that you actually want to watch, not the most > boring thing on the TV that night. Is it maybe that the video has a > boring program searcher that automatically switches on when Top of the > Pops, or Countdown. If you don't know of these programs the suffice to > say countdown has Paul Daniels as a host?? > > Oh Please tell me the answer to this greatest of puzzles, though holy, > divine, fat and loaded with all the money in the universe Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is a simple answer to this. Your VCR only records boring shows } because that is all that is every on TV! There *IS* nothing else to } record. The only decent thing on anymore are the movies which were in } the cinema four years ago and are now "edited for television." Mostly } of them are just plain boring with all the good, hot sex scenes cut } out. What's the use. If you wanna get something interesting to watch, } go to the video store and rent something. There, you at least have a } 25% chance of getting something worthwhile. (Anything rated NC-17 or } above will improve this to 50%) } } You owe the oracle the entire collection of Amber Lynn movies. --- 361-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Slender Oracle of gentle heart-stopping curves (I heard rumours You're > a Woman): > > Random phrase (way) out of context: > > It was briefly. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And just WHAT rumors have you heard (if that priest in Delphi squawked } I'll have his head on a plate, damn him!) *ANY*way, ALL rumors are } true, especially the juicy ones. Not only am I a woman, but what a } woman! It's one of the reasons I retreated into Usenet to bestow my } feminine wisdom on others; the men who saw me became so ravenous with } love and desire that they soon were able to think of little other than } my firm and upstanding breasts and luscious thighs. In order to } facilitate my dispensing of wisdom, I deemed it necessary to conceal my } magnificent Self. } } Now then, as to your question (the obligatory >ZOT< for lack of any } REAL grovelling will be waived as you must indeed be a unique and } insightful individual to divine my true Gender) : } } "It was briefly." } } Okay, now. Was it REALLY briefly? Or did it just seem like it was? } And was it in a frame moving or at rest with respect to yours? If so, } it could have been quite brief indeed and it would seem like a very } long time, right? Were you doing something at the time or looking at } the clock? Can you be trusted to have good sense of time, or do I have } to ask someone else? } } So. That seems pretty useless. Now, as to the rest of it . . . are } you ABSOLUTELY SURE it was "It"? It wasn't just "He" with shaved legs, } was it? Or "She" with a pageboy cut and long pants seen from the rear? } For all you know, it could have been. } } And that "was." Really past tense? Or are you speaking } metaphorically? And in whose time frame are we working here? } } Damn it, I just cannot work with such imprecise information! You'll } have to do better than that! CONTEXT! NAMES! DATES! TIMES! I need } all of this! } } *SIGH* } } With men like this out there today, maybe it's a good thing I'm in } retreat after all . . . } } You owe the Oracle a clue.