From oracle-request Fri Oct 4 17:52:24 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 4 Oct 91 17:52:24 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #353 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 353 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #353 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 4 Oct 91 17:52:24 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 353 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 348 22 votes 03829 28660 34555 033d3 37a20 37750 01a47 0c730 5a430 98320 348 2.9 mean 3.8 2.7 3.2 3.7 2.5 2.6 3.8 2.6 2.2 1.9 --- 353-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle of the nether circuits, my life has been marred by one > of those niggly little things that can bring down a civilisation - A > Question. > > The question is: > " Why is a carrot more orange than an Orange? " And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the question is "Why do people enclose their own statements } in quotation marks when they aren't quoting?" The answer is "Because } they were dropped on their heads when they were babies." } } Carrots are orange because they contain carotene, a crystalline } hydrocarbon pigment. Oranges are orange because they contain orange } juice, a tart breakfast drink. Most orange juice is concentrated and } then reconstituted, a process which significantly reduces its natural } color, and leave it with a fresh, wholesome taste not unlike battery } acid. } } You owe the Oracle one person who honestly believes that ripe Florida } oranges are "yellow, or even a little green". --- 353-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > How come the Federal Government has raised the taxes on referees? I > can't afford to referee my son's Little League games anymore. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very simple, really. Like most government actions, it is a plot to } ruin your life. Your son will continue to play Little League, but } he'll be the only boy whose father doesn't help out. As a result, he } will be teased mercilessly, taunted, chased, beaten to a bloody pulp, } and generally ostracized like the vile scum that he is. Or rather, } that you are. All the other parents will hate him, too, since they are } out sweating on the ball field while you are at home watching Wheel of } Fortune. As a result of this utter lack of nuturation, your son will } grow up to be a maladjusted sociopathic paranoid-schizophrenic, will } insist that everyone refer to him as "Number 96," and will be gunned } down by the New York City SWAT team on a cold winter afternoon after he } has terrorized 14 nuns with a sub-machine gun. His last words will be } "It's Daddy's fault!" You will be arrested and charged under the } Parental Malpractice Act of 1998, and sentenced to castration without } anesthetic. } } On the other hand, you might want to figure out why you want to referee } a baseball game. They usually used umpires. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Charles Manson. --- 353-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one > _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze, > > Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The > Answer was 42. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this } question. You should offer thanks. } } Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of } human existance? } } At first this was easy. The answer was food } } You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was } either food or rock. } } What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is } making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!" } } As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers } were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not } rock" Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet. } } Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got } back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no } meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the } ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped } some hemlock in his tea, and that was that. } } Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the } Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree } with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that } sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer. } } This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see, } Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean } what most people think of as love, because then he could have just } said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above, } Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans } were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus } to a couple of planks. } } The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for } most of the dark ages. } } When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on } they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to } Enlightenment. } This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the } pesants revolted, and settled firmly on food again. } } Not too much after this, drugs spread out through western culture. } Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but } Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so } it was quietly shelved for a later date. } } At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely } spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet? } No, that idea was also disregarded. } } In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except } painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll." } The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and } they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the } revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew } Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been } nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had } to reproduce. } } In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the } Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult } to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so } many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and } science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept } it). } } You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the } solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42. } Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a } perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been } for a while... } } The answer is.... } } Painting. Of course. } } You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis. --- 353-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose giraffe is nutritious, whose finch is kittenish, > whose wolf is regulatory, whose clam is scatterbrained, whose marmot > is Roman, whose elephant is robust, whose butterfly is pacific, whose > raven is jello-coated, whose cobra is extravagent, whose otter is > righteous, whose whale is torpid, whose ferret is cloudy, whose > panther is perverted, whose gerbil is Egyptian, whose oyster is > Hungarian, whose ant is vigorous, whose mastodon is rudimentary, whose > mutant is purely greater, whose weretiger is accessible, whose manta > ray is crossly whinging, whose spider is serene, whose baboon is mild, > whose goat is managerial, whose mouse is saucy, whose praying mantis > is outgoing, whose squid is rather seriously exquisite, whose bear is > grotty, whose trilobite is Finnish, whose piranha is fastidious, whose > baby finch is slightly atavistic, whose mussel is bespectacled, whose > snail is vile, whose kiwi bird is florid, please answer me this > question. Where can I get a zoo as wonderful as yours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, my child! How Glad I am that you asked this. Being all-powerful } and all-knowing does have its privileges, if you know I what I mean. } To obtain such a zoo, such a wonderful collection of amazing animals, } is possible for mere mortals, but it 'tis difficult. } } Zeroth off, you must have plenty of space. _Lots_ of space to hold } all of your critters. Yes, some are small, as is the obsequeous } termite, and some are quite large, as is the vanilla-flavored } brontasauraus. } } Firstly, you must acquire a support staff. One mere polyunsaturated } human cannot comprehend the amount of feeding required by such a } menagerie, nor can she comprehend the amount of, um, waste material, } generated by such a collection. You could feed this effluent to a pack } of lecherous lawyers, but why spoil your zoo with such squalid animals? } } Secondly, get your animals. There are many schools of thought to } obtaining beasts and birds, fowl and fish. The time-honored way is to } construct a wooden boat (look up "ark" in your encyclopedia. Be sure } to skip over the section labeled "arkansas"), and look at the sky as if } it were about to rain. You should, after a short time have a breeding } pair of every animal, from the exhorbitant aarrddvvaark, to the } Fun-Sized(tm) Zebra. } } the second way to capture your animals is beyond the capabilities of } ordinary non-powerful beings. When you have figured out how to warp } time and space, cured the common cold, and have discovered Dan Quayle's } intellect, give me a call. } } Lastly, you must have a _complete_ collection of animals. The list you } gave, while accurate, is but a mere shadow of all of the creatures that } are lurking, nee existing and thriving in the universe around us. } } Do not forget the wombat that is lethargic, the Tasmanian Devil that is } wholesome, the Denebian Slime Devil that is bedraggled, the American } Game Show Host that is disgusting, the rodent that is opto-mechanical, } the penguin that is electrified, the snuffleupagous that is divine. } } Please enjoy yourself in constructing your zoo. } } You owe the Oracle badgers that are beautiful. Lots of them. --- 353-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thy sly and cruelly honest oracle, thy words are like cutting > blades on the lies of society. Why is it that women are much more > friendly when accessed through the usenet than when met face to face?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because most of the ``women'' on the net are men who have gone } through a certain readjustment period, which usually follows the } pattern below. } } 1) Realised that most of the women on the net are men. } } 2) Posted to alt.personals, mailed every user on every computer } within two hundred miles with a message like ``I'm a hot chick who } wants erotic email.'' } } 3) Sat back and waited for their mailbox to fill. } } 4) Teased any bloke they can find into a (possibly international) } plane flight through offering to have coffee with the mailer. } } 5) Turned up with a bunch of friends to see how long the jet-lagged } traveller will wait around. Some of them take sleeping bags in case } it's a long wait. You never heard of the phrase ``Go down to there and } turn left where the computer-geek is still waiting for his date.'' } } 6) Decided to try to get another computer date, ends up getting in } touch with one of his previous victims. See step 4. } } And thus ends(?) the vicious cycle. } } You owe the oracle (incarnated as mark@maths.su.oz.au) the date of } your last non-computer conversation with a female. --- 353-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where the fuck do they keep the one million different kinds of blue > around here? I'm starting to discover the truth about raisins. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In light of the fact that your question didn't even have a smidgen of } grovelling in it, I'll demonstrate one of my favorite kinds of blue, } namely the lightning bolt that narrowly misses your head... } --*~*~*~*~*~> ZZZAP! } } Oh lowly mortal, when will you realize that all of the colors you'll } ever need to name may be found in the Crayola(tm) 64 crayon set! } Cornflower blue, periwinkle, aqua...what more do you humans need?! } } As for raisins, the truth is they're little and wrinkled. } } You owe the Oracle an etch-a-sketch and some prune juice. --- 353-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > should i sell the thing, or keep the parts for later use? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } break the thing, buy magic bean, plant in an old RS232 port, watch } grow an immense beanstalk, climb beanstalk, meet beautiful princess, } kiss beautiful princess, make love beautiful princess, get hernia, be } flat on back when giant comes in, get squished. } } no. that bad idea. } } keep for parts, ten years now use parts IBM 5623 Personal Robot, watch } robot go berserk, watch robot grow five hundred feet tall, watch robot } emit radiation beams from RS232 port, run find mad scientist for stop } robot, find mad scientist lab, mad scientist out, beautiful assistant } in, kiss beautiful assistant, make love beautiful assistant, robot } step on mad scientist lab, get squished. } } um. make love, get squished either way. you choose. } } Owe Oracle RS232 port. --- 353-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise one, whose mere parameters I am not worthy to type > after that damn slash-backslash thing, tell me this: > > If one out of every four children are born Chinese, and you've already > had three children...... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An hour later you're horny again. } } You owe the Oracle an order of Peking duck without the usual 24 hour } wait. --- 353-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, this is sure great. i sent in a totally desparate question, and > if I don't get an answer in a minute or two I'll die, and now I have > to wait a day or two. I tell you, if you can't trust the Usenet > Oracle to save your life, who the heck can you trust! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In your case, Floyd Beaverton. In four years, when your life is just } starting to get REALLY crummy, he's going to give you a substantial tap } with the front of his car, knocking you about twenty feet through the } air and out cold. An instant later, the remains of the Hubble Telescope } will tear down from the sky and strike the exact spot where you would } have been. Instead of flattening you, the wreckage will drill through } the passenger seat of Floyd's car. Floyd will win a record-breaking } settlement for damages and psychological stress from NASA, while your } suits against both Floyd and the government will be dismissed as } groundless. Floyd's hoar head shall go down peacefully into the grave } after a long and happy career as the pitchman for Met Life, while you } will die of tuberculosis before your time, collapsing in the street on } top of all you own, a sack of tin knives you will be trying to peddle, } in a barrio outside Mexico City. } } Perhaps now you understand why I am in no big rush to answer your } questions. --- 353-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I write hiaku about my starships? Will it scramble my skin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle Oct. 4 1991 } Iuvax } Indiana } } Dear Mr Vader } } Being your instructor in the course "Think positive and the world } will love you", I must say that you are going the wrong direction. } When you try to soften your approach to the rest of the world } I meant that you should minimize actions which might upset other } intelligent beings, such ass blowing up planets by force of your } death-star. You should also try to make that little extra effort to } make your friends happier by karma-harmonic actions - such as showing } your real face to your son. } However I can see that you have made a fatal error trying to } cheer up your appearance. You shoul *not* try to change your } personality since this is what makes everyone so interesting. I } recommend you to give up your haiku plans and concentrate on thing } which are more close to your way of life. } Try, for example to: } 1. Change the color of your light-sword to a little } more bright and sunny shade. } 2. Make your death-star which is under construction right } now heart-shaped. } } Have a nice life } Big O