From oracle-request Fri Aug 23 08:34:23 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 23 Aug 91 08:34:23 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #339 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 339 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #339 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 23 Aug 91 08:34:23 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 334 17 votes 22715 82520 24551 68201 56240 23813 21356 16550 58310 25181 334 2.7 mean 3.3 2.1 2.9 1.9 2.3 3.0 3.7 2.8 2.0 3.1 --- 339-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great ovoid-headed Oracle who could even eat sauerbraten with a > straight face, I beg of you to answer my question. > > What is the difference between sodium and sodomy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are not different, my child, for they are both a salt. } } That was cute, you owe me nothing. --- 339-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is JoAnn Worley going to replace Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Lisa! Come and look at what this dork's asked! } } - OK, could you untie me first? } } Right ... don't slip on the mayonnaise ... } } - Mmmmmm, JoAnn Worley? Whore-ly, more like ... d'you think she'll } - really get the better of scrummy little me? } } Well ... } } - Oh come on Oz, what do you think? Surely she isn't able to do THIS } } } } - or THIS ... } } } } - or THIS and THIS at the same time ... } } You shouldn't talk with your mouth full - not that I care ... } } - how about THIS then? } } What are you doing with that hamster? Oh just a second ... } } ... Hi geek, the answer to your question is not if I can help it. You } owe the Oracle your unauthorised biography. GERONIMOOOOoooo.... --- 339-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It is now crystal clear that "Bob" manifested himself for a *purpose*, > namely the elimination of a devilish plot to reinstate that most > Slackless system, the Soviet Communist Party. While the hurricane was > subgeniously reprogramming Skippy Bush in Kennebunkport, frop was being > surreptitiously introduced in the Kremlin, causing the conspirators to > have a sudden urge to visit Tibet. > > Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but the two events are related. } } Hurricane Bob was Attorney General Dick Thornburgh's swan song, an } attempt to silence reporter Bob Woodward, who is putting the pieces } together after the Department of Justice iced that reporter in Virginia } a few weeks back. The plan was to use the hurricane generators the } Pentagon built with funds diverted from AIDS research to either kill } Woodward outright or frighten him into silence. The hurricane, of } course, missed, but the buzz is that by Helen or Ignatz, the system } will be perfected. There's some talk that Woodward is going to Colorado } until this whole thing blows over, so to speak, but even so the } Mid-Atlantic states are in for a wet season. } } The failed coup in the Soviet Union was sponsored by PepsiCo, which } feared increasing competition from Russian capitalists against its } Pizza Hut franchises already open in Moscow. By restoring a hard-line } communist dictatorship, PepsiCo hoped to retain its virtual monopoly on } tasteless junk food in the USSR. As you know, the plan backfired, and } though Pepsi may come out of this without the details becoming } generally known, Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin is likely } to try to break his endorsement contract with Pepsi. } } The relation between the two events is, in a macroscopic example of } Heisenberg's principle, you. Now that you know about these plots, } neither the federal government nor PepsiCo will stop at anything to } kill you before you reach the New York Times. } } You owe the Oracle -- oh, never mind, you won't get a chance to send } it, anyway. --- 339-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lightning struck as the shaking college student stumbled upon the > ivory steps of the oracle's domain. From the darkness above, a > thundering voice echoed: "SPEAK THE QUESTION." > "Oh Oracle most wise most powerful most awesome most cool most--" > "JUST SPEAK THE DAMN QUESTION." > "Of course, oh Oracle most wise most--" > "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" > The bumbling, stammering student finally uttered, "Why do donkies > float in wooden cabinets? Eaheaheah . . . !!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Toto has pulled the curtain, and the humble old man } behind it has given up trying to fool anyone. } He apologizes to all for being too demanding, } and then turns to the student... } } "You are an inquisitive soul, wanting to know the deep } secrets of the universe. Of course, spelling is nice, too... } } "But because of your good heart, I will help you. } What makes you different from all those who *know* why } donkeys float in wooden cabinets? } } "Are they smarter than you are? No. } } "Do they have some magic insight into donkeys that } you don't? No. } } "They have the *scientific method*. } They get water and alcohol, cabinets both wooden and metal, } donkeys and burros of all ages, and they *experiment*, } asking themselves how they can prove that one factor } or another is the reason why...what did you day... } oh, yes, that donkeys float in wooden cabinets. } } "Do you need to go to school to learn the scientific } method? No. } } "Do you need libraries to read about the great methods } of your scientific predecessors and the latest discoveries } by your peers? No." } } "What you need is a fancy lab and some profound } grant proposals. I have what you need right here, } the deed to some unused scientific laboratory space } in Iowa, and grant proposals guaranteed to to get money } from the most stingy of government review boards. } } "May you be the most productive, most innovative of scientists. } Now go home." } } And the old man kicks the dog and exits to the next room. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of magic slippers. --- 339-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > blessed oracle of the enlightenment, o great oracle of > miraculous oracularity, wondrous oracle that keeps the > light on in the fridge after the door is closed, can you > answer the small, insignificant question of a minimalist > mortal who only seeks to hope to aspire to perhaps > be given the honour of sniffing your armpit in gratitude? > i need to know... > > what can you say about a world that thinks God is dead but > Elvis is alive? > > seeking enlightenment And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Recent archaeological expeditions to Las Vegas and Nashville speak for } themselves. Translate from Aramaic, here are } } The Ten Elvish Commandments } } I am Elvis thy King, which have brought thee out of the land of swing, } out of the house of drudgery. } } 1. Thou shalt have no other teen idols before me. Thou shalt not make } unto thee any wax record, or any likeness of any music that is in } heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water } beneath the earth, unless it is music that I hath brought to thee. } Yea, for every CD, tape, yea, even every LP and 8-track tape that I } have brought to thee is the only musical representation that thou shalt } have. } } 2. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other idols, nor go to their } concerts; for I Elvis am a jealous King, visiting the iniquity of the } mothers and fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth } generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of } them that love me, and buy my records and momentos, and watch my } movies, and keep my commandments. } } 3. Thou shalt not the name of the King in vain; for the King will not } hold them guiltless that taketh his name in vain. They shall toil for } ruthless promotion companies and be forced to write novelty songs for } all their days. } } 4. Remember the sabbath day, and keep it free for movie screenings and } recordings of Elvis thy King. } } 5. Honour thy father and thy mother, but don't be a mama's boy. } } 6. Thou shalt not kill. } } 7. Thou shalt not be cruel to a heart that's true. } } 8. Thou shalt lay off thy neighbor's blue suede shoes. } } 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, for it is } not a cool thing. } } 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy } neighbor's wife, nor his car, nor his surfboard, nor his promoter, nor } his prescription drugs, nor his ass, nor his pelvis, nor any thing that } is thy neighbor's. } } You owe the Oracle an issue of the National Enquirer. --- 339-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't they name planes more interesting things than F1 or 747? > If they called the B2 the Batplane would Congress be more likely to > fund it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, well. I see that you are using your ignorance as a shield } against the sword of good judgement. Perhaps a vice-presidency is in } your future -- but that is not what you asked me, is it? } } The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some } thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed } Forces pilots. A compromise was made by naming the aircraft } after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office } keyboard. } } There is a similar story for the naming of the 747. Boing was } going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department } vetoed it. A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle } digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus } disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic } and digit-sum properties. } } The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane". This had } to be changed after a trademark dispute -- it seems that after } the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane" } name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic } toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals. The name "B2" was then } chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress. } Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move. --- 339-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o oracle that has more hairs than your average college frat boy, > why is it that between a six-pack of Dannon Lite Yogurt and your > average "guys night out", the yogurt has considerably more culture? > > seeking enlightenment And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is quite simple. The yogurt has more culture because } bacteria are generally smarter than most men. Think of these } questions, and you may be enlightened. } } * Do bacteria ever order "genuine draft" bottled beer in a bar? } * Do bacteria ever think bowling is fun? } * Do bacteria spend countless hours watching football? } * Do bacteria ever join the Army to learn a useful skill? } } You owe the Oracle some antibiotics. --- 339-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TO: Mr. Oracle > FROM: The Terrorists Inc. (TM) > SUBJ.: Lisa has been kidnapped by our organisation! > > Hey Oracle, listen up! > > We have kidnapped Lisa and if you want to see her again you'd better do > what we tell you. > First of all: NO PRESS, NO POLICE, NO DEITIES, nothing at all! > You just send us a real shitload of money (we won't bother about > a billion more or less, just make sure that there are billions...). > We'll contact you after having received the money and tell you where > you can find Lisa. > > Regards > The Terrorists Inc. (TM) > > PS: All major credit cards are accepted. > > PPS: If you don't trust us wether Lisa is still alive or not, read the > following transscript of a recent conversation at our hideout: > > [Lisa] ORAAAAAACLE!!!!!!!! > [Terrorist #1] Now shut up! He can't hear you. > [Lisa] ORAAAACLE HEEEEELP!!!! > [Terrorist #2] Let's gag her.... now ... ok. > [Lisa] mmmmhhmhmmmdmdfmhhmhmdfffmgm!!!!!! > [Terrorist #1] FINALLY! Now we can take some rest. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, ok. Here's a shitload of money: $hit. --- 339-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to punish the leaders of the failed Soviet Coup? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Make then talk to Johnny Carson for three hours. --- 339-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this "Nimoy" person? > > USS Enterprise > Admiral Spock, commanding And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He was a man who disappeared in 1993, when he went "In Search Of--Jimmy } Hoffa." } } You owe the Oracle an Archangel strike, at grid coordinates DF } 1223731282, right goddamn now, before the Klingons overrun my position.