From oracle-request Fri Jul 26 00:58:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 00:58:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #330 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 330 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #330 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 00:58:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 330-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most kind and wonderous one, who does allow his servants air > conditioning in the springtime and wet towels all summer, please > enlighten me. Why do they think that the terminals will be damaged more > by opening the windows to let in the 70 degree weather than by leaving > them shut to hold in the 85 degrees inside? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate to tell you this, but they don't. This rule is a } joint effort of two factions: the computer operators, who want } better machines than the obscelete shit you have; and the } administration bureaucrats, who hate computers. Both sides } therefore want the machines to die. The solution to your problem } is to kill all of the bureaucrats where you are, and get new } state of the art equipment in decent facilities. } Actually, why don't you just kill all of the bureaucrats? } That way you don't need to think about if they are where you are } or not. } } You owe the ORACLE framed pictures of Thomas Jefferson } and Adam Selene; an update on the whereabouts of Kelvin Throop; } and one bloody revolution. --- 330-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it really possible to play Twister with Death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course, like, though that is ya know, like, usually one of thuh } options of Twister that isn't played with (the death penalty). } Seriously, man, if you can manage to die and become a spirit so that } you get a chance to actually hold a contest with Death (assumin' he } still does this in lieu of all his highly publicized defeats), fer } shure, the odds are pretty bitchin' that you are not goin' to win. } Sure it is like wow! possible, fer shure, but thuh odds are about as } bitchin' as keepin' Bill & Ted from playin' the air guitar for 30 } minutes straight (while they're awake). } } You owe thuh Oracle a Parcheesi set. --- 330-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I ever get published? > > Ohh yeah.... Ohh great and mighty Oracle, > who's stamina outlasts Lisa, > and even the strongest of her pets. > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let's see ... } } } .... } } } } ... ah yes, here we are: } } Publishing sensation of the year was, however, A. Dweeb with his book } "Great and Mighty Oracle". This publication took the literary world by } storm when everyone realised it was the first work of fiction with NO } PLOT WHATSOEVER. Dweeb managed to introduce new characters with nearly } every paragraph, and forget about them by the end of the same } paragraph. A sample extract follows: } } John wondered about the affair between Susan and Hector, and } wondered what he should do about it. The elephant took hold } of the cucumber sandwich and, very deliberately, threw it at } the dartboard, and the Bulgarian retired to bed. } } (None of these characters was ever mentioned again, although the } cucumber sandwich was mentioned in a footnote several hundred pages } later). The closest the story ever came to having a plot was: } } "Oh Sharon" } "Oh Lawrence" } "Oh Sharon" } "Oh Lawrence" } } ... and so on for seven pages, until a sixteen-ton weight fell upon } Lawrence's left knee. } } You owe the Oracle the promise that you will write this book, otherwise } things start to get very confused ... --- 330-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose mightiness is too worthy to be described by impertinent > mortals such as myself (so I will not try) please answer the following > question: How come nobody uses the really serious swear words on the > Oracularities? I mean, you see "hell" and "damn" a lot, but none of the > realy (Sorry, that's "really," and I am using a VMS system for the > summer, and haven't bothered to do all the crap that you have to do to > run rmail on this system, so I am using their stupid line-based editor > and CAN'T go back a line after I have hit return, which means a lot of > errors at the ends of lines for me). > > Anyway. > > For example, right now I am saying "fuckin' VMS" to myself -- I use > Unix during the winter, really -- and I am thinking how VMS would feel > if it had a huge pole rammed right up its collective ass. Now, such > imagery is sorely lacking in the Oracularities. Not that I REALLY > favor images of poles going up the asses of DEC Minis, but if they're > going to go anywhere ... anyway. > > This no swears thing, though, it bothers me. How come no one says > "fuck" in the Oracularities? I mean, Van Halen just came out with an > album called "fuck." (It's actually "F.U.C.K.", and spells out to For > Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, in case you haven't watched TV or listened > to the radio for a while, say, three months. But, I mean really. The > only excuse you would have not to watch TV or listen to the radio is > all that giggling and crap with Lisa that we have to read three or four > times a week. Now that giggling, I am assuming, is developing into > some pretty serious fucking after the curtain drops, right? I mean, > waterbeds, feathers, jello, handcuffs, the odd chain saw or two, THAT > kind of thing. > > Now, it is a conclusively proven fact that anyone who has spent long > enough on this planet to figure out the Internet enough to send you > mail has been subjected to by the popular media, at minimum, 3,747 > images of people fucking, or about to fuck with clear intent to fuck, > or immediately after fucking with naked (as it were) references to the > act of fucking just past. > > That's an awful lot of fucking. > > But think about this: there are over 500 people born each minute, > worldwide. Since it takes an average of forty fucks to produce a > child, even with no birth control, and since over 85% of the couples in > the developed world use birth control of some sort (40% in the > undeveloped world, but climbing) when you count in all the fucks of > pregnant women, not to mention multiple fucks and unsucessful fucks, > that's over 700,000 fucks EVERY MINUTE. > > And that doesn't even BEGIN to count all those blow jobs and assorted > nofertilizing positions. In other worlds, of the 3 billion people on > this globe, about 1.2 billion fuck in any given day. So I have to ask, > O Oracle. (and what about that capital O, huh?) Why is there no use of > the word "fuck" in the Oracularities, not to mention in all the answers > I have received? Hmmmmmmmm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's an awful lot of typing. I hope it's a good substitute. --- 330-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Beloved and Powerful One whom I kneel before in admiration and > terror, if you can find it in your heart to answer a small question > from one of your weak and pitiful servants, please enlighten me: has > the orbit of Earth (the mortal inhabitants which, incidentally, pale in > comparison to you, Oh Mighty One) truly been measured to the > split-second, or the whole concept of "leap days" and "leap minutes" a > cruel hoax conjured up late one night by some drunken astronomer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see it all started around the time when astronomers weren't } much respected... wait.. that hasn't happened yet in your time frame. } } But even before your current time where astronomers and astrologers are } always getting confused, astronomers were looked upon as a bunch of } dreamy wierdos who were only interested in looking at the sky. Sure... } they said that they could see things like Jupiter and stuff, but no one } thought that telescopes were much more than a complicated slide } projector. } } Early in your century Volf I. Lentil gathered the astronomers of the } world together at the First Congress of Social Outcasts, later renamed } to simply the First International. The members of the congress were } split into factions, some, the Bullsheviks, favored running a big scam } on the word, the others, Mushiviks, were much more concilliatory and } wanted to make amends with the world, especially the North. Lentil, a } Bullshevik managed to gather a small majority and the congress voted in } favor of coming up with a cruel hoax. The Bullsheviks briefly } entertained using the word "Bolshevik" to represent their faction, but } when they realized it was a Russian word, meaning "those in the } majority," they felt it undermined the fact that they were the } discriminated-against minority. } } The Congress broke into more factions over what kind of hoax to play on } the world: } } The Sunsheviks advocated telling the world that the planet was going to } hit the sun. That idea was quickly shot down but a rousing speech by } Lentil, where he proved the total stupidity of that view, quoting } authorities such as Merenge and Earwax (Famous Lichteinsteinian } astrologers/astronomers). } } The Centrists hoped for a united Astronomer's Party that supported the } notion that New York was really the center of the universe. A lot of } squabbling broke over New York vs. Paris vs. Moscow vs. Prague vs. } Rangoon, etc. } } Lentil couldn't take this, and in yet another rousing speech he cried: } "astronomers of the world unite! you have nothing to lose but your... } you have nothing to lose!" } } Lentil came up with the brilliant plan to establish a leap-year system } in order to convince the population of the legitimacy of the } astronomers (while at the same time hosing on them) as well as } confusing the small part of the population born on that unfortunate } date. Are they 4? or 16? If the legal driving age is 16 when do } they get to drive? The implications are/were amazing. } } The congress sat stunned for a whole two days. The idea was obviously } brilliant. On the third day, the idea was ratified, and the congress } set themselves to the task of convincing the world. In the 1930s the } main astronomer to do this (he took over Lentil's position after a } bizarre observatory accident in 1924) was Stalling. Stalling succeded } in blocking many reputable astronomers from revealing this untruth. He } died in 1953 as a hero to the astronomer's union, remembers as saying, } "Onward to the victory of Confusion!!" } } This is how the leap year came about. } } You owe the Oracle a "Sexual-position-a-day" calendar. --- 330-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We have millions of dollars waiting for you! Yes, Mr. Oracle could be > the winner of our fantastic Home Publishers Sweepstakes. > > You along with. > F. String Quartet > Mrs. Edith Colmonger > Jake McBeth > Kiewitt Computer Center > > could be the winner of millions! Send in your subscriptions today! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [It is a huge mansion sitting on a high cloud. Thick network and } power cables can be seen in every window. A crowd has gathered around } the front door. There are several TV crews and reporters. An } expectant buzz fills the ether. Ed McMann is in front of the crowd } with a huge check. He rings the doorbell.] } } McMann: Hello? Mr. Oracle? Are you home? } } The O (from out of a window): What? Oh, bring it around back. The } gardener will plant it in the morning... } } M: Huh? No. We are from Home Publishers Sweepstakes. } } O: I am not trying to sell my castle. Why would I want to publish? } } M: You don't seem to understand. We are here to award you the grand } prize. Please come down here to accept it. } } O: Prize... prize... I don't have time for a prize. } } [The sound of the Oracle coming down his stairs is heard. From the } noise, it seems that he is not too coordinated this morning. The door } opens to reveal bloodshot eyes and an inside-out robe.] } } O: What do you want... Let's make this brief and painless. } } M: Uh, yeah. Here is your check from Home Publishers Sweepstakes. } Please hold it up so that the reporters can take pictures. } } O: Wait a sec. I can't read too well this morning. How much is this } check for? } } M: 10 millllllion dollars. } } O: Oh. Is that all? I left Lisa in bed for this? } } M: What do mean?!? That's a lot of money! } } O: Right. Listen closely. I am the Oracle. I know the past, } present, and future. The money I make on stock speculation every week } would would buy your silly Home Publishers whatever. I own so much } gold that I could build a mansion out of it. I have a diamond so } large that it would break your finger if you wore it. I am } fabulously, ridiculously, grotesquely rich. I blow this kind of money } every few days on video games. Now go away. } } [The door slams shut. Ed wanders off cursing. Someone in the crowd } snickers.] } } You owe the Oracle some REAL money. --- 330-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So what's your point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ___________ } | | } | O | } | | } | O | } | | ___________ } `-----------' | | } | O O | } | | } | O O | } `-----------' } } Six. Pay up. --- 330-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, > All-knowing, All-seeing, All-hyphenated Oracle, > Answer me this: > Is there life on earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, hundreds of years ago there used to be life on Earth, but now it } is just a wasteland. It all started in the year 1992, when the United } States re-elected George Bush to the White House. Unfortunately, due } to a typographical error, Bush's name was switched with his } running-mate on the electorial college ballots, and months later, Dan } Quayle was sworn in as commander in chief. This caused considerable } panic amongst the world, and as a result, the space colonialization } program began in earnest. Within a year, seven million people had } departed for Mars. As it turned out however, Quayle proved to be the } worlds greatest leader. By the end of his third year, he had wiped out } world hunger, homelessness, the drug problem, and the threat of atomic } weapons. As Quayle himself said while accepting his third Nobel Peace } Prize in 1996, 'Who knew?' (this was accompanied by his how famous } shrugged shoulders gesture). } } Problems in space, however, were worsening. Among the seven million } colonists were five million engineers, 1.7 million computer experts, } 52,000 politicians, 52,000 assorted swimsuit models and porn film } stars, 81,000 'top level' executives, 34,000 men and women of god (all } religions), Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, 10,100 interior designers, 17 } painters and wall-paperers, 30,000 lawyers (these were used as ballast, } and due to a serious design flaw, food and air wasn't available to them } during the eighteen month spaceflight), 38,000 doctors and nurses, } 2,880 cooks and chefs, and one janitor. Needless to say, the place was } a mess (literally). They soon learned the folly of leaving Earth so } unprepared, and decided that the only course of action was to go back. } This they planned to do, as soon as they could find the spaccraft keys } in all the mess. These people are our ancestors. } } Meanwhile, back on Earth, Quayle was running out of things to do. He } stabalized international finance, saved the ozone layer, brought the } passenger pigeon back from extinction, found Noah's Ark, went over } Niagra Falls in an innertube, starred with Arnold Schwarzenegger in } Terminator 7: Jason Lives, and found a cure for Cancer, AIDS, and the } common cold. His popularity was incredibly high (except with the } Democrats, who claimed he was 'just getting lucky.'). This greatly } annoyed the three surviving presidents on Earth, Ford, Carter, and Bush } (Nixon revealed the fact that he really was a space alien in 1993, and } Reagan left for Mars, along with his new wife, Traci Lords) who formed } the evil triumvernate. These three plotted to kill Quayle, and on his } African expidition to find Elvis, they ambushed his camp, and noogied } him to death. } } The entire world went into mourning, and decided to erect an 'eternal } flame' to his memory. Thousands of designs were considered, and the } eventual winner was six year old Billy Thornhill who suggested that } 'we use the sun as the eternal flame.' As usual with governmental } projects, the idea got out of hand. A large holder was constructed in } Quayle's home state of Indiana, and the Earth was slowly moved closer } to the sun, until someone realized that maybe this wasn't such a good } idea after all. But by then it was too late, and within a few weeks, } the oceans dried up, and the Earth became the barren wasteland it is } today, incapable of supporting life. } } You owe the Oracle some 2000000 SPF sunblock --- 330-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other. > 2. I can't unclasp my hands. > 3. I can wear my shirts as pants. > 4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. > 5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps. > 6. I often mistake my hands for food. > 7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones. > 8. I never liked room temperature. > 9. I line my pockets with hot cheese. > 10. My throat is closer than it seems. > 11. I can smell my nose hairs. > 12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts. > 13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten. > 14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. > 15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all. > 16. My patio is covered with a killer frost. > 17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt. > 18. I try to swallow at least three times a day. > 19. My best friend is a social worker. > 20. I've always known when to close my eyes. > 21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight. > 22. Little can be said for Luxembourg. > 23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. > 24. I walk this way because I have to. > 25. Walls impede my progress. > 26. I can't find all my marmots. > 27. There's only one thing for me. > 28. My uncle is as stupid as paste. > 29. I can pet animals by the mouthful. > 30. My toes are numbered. > 31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite. > 32. People tell me when I'm deaf. > 33. My beaver won't go near the water. > 34. I can find my ears, but I have to look. > 35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside. > 36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress. > 37. I don't like any of my loved ones. > > What's wrong with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see. } } 1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other. } You rely too much on others for baseball results. } 2. I can't unclasp my hands. } You are arthritic. } 3. I can wear my shirts as pants. } You have no guts. } 4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. } Your syntax is as self-referential as your syntax. } 5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps. } You want to french kiss dead presidents. } 6. I often mistake my hands for food. } You have a weakness for finger food. } 7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones. } You don't eat enough roughage. } 8. I never liked room temperature. } You prefer restaurants with no ambiance. } 9. I line my pockets with hot cheese. } I prefer my pita sandwiches with cold feta, but tastes differ. } 10. My throat is closer than it seems. } You never stick your neck out. } 11. I can smell my nose hairs. } You need to stop snorting garlic paste. } 12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts. } Stop taping your underwear to your bum; try putting your legs } through the holes instead. } 13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten. } You suffer from chronic indigestion. } 14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. } You are not discriminating in your tastes. } 15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all. } You are highly susceptible to ad campaigns featuring Motown } songs. } 16. My patio is covered with a killer frost. } It's better than that astroturf carpeting. } 17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt. } You have no fashion sense. } 18. I try to swallow at least three times a day. } You find daily life difficult to swallow. } 19. My best friend is a social worker. } You spend too much time hanging out with riffraff. } 20. I've always known when to close my eyes. } You're no fun to take to horror movies. } 21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight. } No, but they guessed you'd gopher a couple of drinks, then the } bartender would rat on you, and when you came home they'd grab } you by the hare and ferret the truth out of you, you weasel. } 22. Little can be said for Luxembourg. } } 23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. } You had waffles for breakfast yesterday. } 24. I walk this way because I have to. } You tie your shoelaces together. } 25. Walls impede my progress. } You have not yet mastered short-range teleportation. } 26. I can't find all my marmots. } You never remember to check under the sink. } 27. There's only one thing for me. } Christmas is never a happy time for you. } 28. My uncle is as stupid as paste. } You underestimate the intelligence of paste. } 29. I can pet animals by the mouthful. } Those aren't animals, they're bacteria. Try brushing your teeth } from time to time. } 30. My toes are numbered. } Pummice soap and hot water should take the paint off. } 31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite. } So we're a little sensitive about our teeth, eh, Bucky? } 32. People tell me when I'm deaf. } You believe everything you hear. } 33. My beaver won't go near the water. } You have so dam many phobias, they're rubbing off on your pets. } 34. I can find my ears, but I have to look. } You have an unhealthy obsession with van Gogh. } 35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside. } Your job as a lifeguard isn't challenging enough for you. } 36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress. } You enjoy your self-image as a young Turk. } 37. I don't like any of my loved ones. } Well...that's common enough. } } Overall, I'd have to say I wouldn't fix you up with one of my friends, } but then there's nothing really wrong with you that a handfull of } Thorazine a day wouldn't cure. } } You owe the Oracle the complete 21 volume set of "Luxembourg: Land of } Fascination." --- 330-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why birds don't fly upside down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has been noted by many historians of nature that both } birds and mammals evolved at the same sort of time, that } is when dinosaurs were dying out. } } It is therefore true that birds and mammals were, and } have been ever since, competitors for supremacy in the } battle to be "king order" on the planet. } } Now you may think, and it doesn't seem, on the face of } it, too much of an unreasonable assumption, that the } mammals have done fairly well in this competition, what } with cats eating birds, bull terriers giving budgies } heart attacks in their cages, humans flying along in } 747s sucking birds into the engines, chicken and turkey } being human (and cat) menu item number 1 in the holiday } season, duck shooting, etc etc etc } } However, birds do have one significant advantage in this } ongoing power struggle. And it came as a result of one } clever bird, flying along one day spiralling through } all sorts of orientations as birds once did as habit, } realizing that (1) if he stuck to one orientation during } flight then he would be a lot less dizzy, and (2) this } meant he could see where he was going. } } This bird went on to present a paper at the next major } bird conference on safety in flying and for his efforts } he recieved the title "Emeritus Professor of Flight" at } the local bird university. } } There remained, however, after it had been decided that } a fixed orientation was a good idea, the question of } what that orientation should be. Many researchers lost } their lives testing different orientations, like the } poor sparrow that flew backwards and upside down into the } mouth of a leopard, and the hummingbird that flew feet } first into a ruptured rubber plant, remained stuck and } starved to death. Finally the original research bird who } had started the whole fuss presented a paper on the } offensive potential of different orientations of flight. } } And this was how the current orientation (which you would } call right side up) was decided upon. It was obvious to } all that this has the single greatest offensive potential } in terms of pure HUMILIATION of any orientation. And no } mammal has yet come up with an effective counter measure. } } And what is this supremely humiliating attack? Graphical } representation follows: } \ | / } \ | / } --SPLAT-- } } You owe the Oracle a good raincoat with a hood.