From oracle-request Wed Jul 17 10:52:42 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 10:52:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #327 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 327 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #327 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 10:52:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 327-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh massively very most noble Oracle, master of all holiness, in whose > presence Corazon Aquino whimpers, whose ear is infinite, grant me this > morsel of your wisdom. How can I turn my restaurateur into a beastie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the oracle speaks...pay attention: } } for this you must not deal with things of this material, mortal, world } but must rely on magic. You must collect for yourself one eye of newt, } one wing of bat and one leg of gila monster (particularly hard to find } these days). Put all 3 ingredients in a large Dutch oven and 2.5 cups } of chicken broth, 1 tsp of each: oregano, parsley, & sage. 1/16 tsp } of cinnamon. 1/4 clove garlic. salt and pepper to taste. Add mixed } vegetables such as round potatoes, carrots, peas, pea pods, water } chestnuts, red, yellow and green bell pepper strips. Bring to a boil } for 15 minutes then simmer till only 1/2 broth is left. Serve hot on a } rice pilaf. Garnish with a sprig of parsley or a clump of raw broccoli. } } Serve to the resteraunteur. In the morning he will be...a beastie... } } The oracle has spoken...you owe it one batch of the above recipie which } serves 2.... --- 327-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most nonpareil Oracle, paragon of pulchritude, please tell me, > > what is wrong with me?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The top ten things wrong with you..... } } 10) You are a member of an insignificant species on a worthless } little planet in a backwater galaxy of a cluster of negligible } import. } } 9) You just irritated me by waking me up to answer your } question. } } 8) You are spending so much time close to the computer that you } are starting to develop subdermal radiation. } } 7) You are wasting your time chasing a futile degree to get a job } to become a soon-to-be-obscelete wage slave } } 6) You haven't showered recently enough, like all too many } computer nerds. Go shower, and I'll give you the next five. I can } wait..... } } {dum de dum de dum} } } Ah. Now where was I? } } 5) You're dripping water onto the keyboard. } } 4) You aren't spending enough time chasing members of the } appropriate species, much less the opposite sex. Leave the } fraternity's pet sheep alone. (Besides, you can catch 6 different } kinds of VD from it.) } } 3) You know more computer languages than ways to say "I love } you." } } 2) You don't grovel enough } } And the number one thing wrong with you....... } } 1) There are only nine things wrong with you, which makes it } damned hard to make a top ten list out of your $%!+ question. } } You owe the ORACLE to remove at least two of the above } problems from this list. I suggest chasing members of the } appropriate sex as a fun hobby to take up. Here, Lisa.... } (BWAHAHA) } } ERR: NET.CENSOR OVERIDE AT 23:00 HOURS --- 327-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and wonderful Oracle: > > I was just trying to make up a list of the ten most humiliating things > that have ever happened to me, but I can't figure out how to order it. > Most of them are all humiliating in different ways, so I can't easily > tell which ones are worst, and which ones aren't quite so bad. Can > you help? > > Oh, and if you have time, what are the most humiliating things that > are *going* to happen to me in the future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Last night's party was PARTICULARLY vicious, and the hangover has } produced an odd sort of temporal dislocation. Determining what lies in } your past as opposed to your future requires rather more concentration } than the Oracle is willing to expend today. So, you'll have to be } satisfied with this list of the ten most humiliating experiences in } your life, in chronological order. You should be able to figure out } which ones to look forward to. } } 1) Birth. } 2) Circumcision. } 3) Toilet training. } 4) The time your big sister dressed you in one of her old dresses, and } took you to the park with a bunch of her friends, and your best } friend Billy Jackson was there, and he ran around and told everyone } that you were "cute". } 5) When you tried to kiss Debbie Baum during lunch, and spilled } chocolate milk into your lap, and you were so embarassed you pissed } yourself. } 6) The time you were at the movies with that beautiful, fascinating, } sexy woman, the one you'd been saving yourself for, and you were } about to ask her to marry you, and the guy in the seat behind you } puked into your hair. } 7) That time when the neighbor's rottweiler got loose and bit you on } the butt and you had to stand through three job interviews the next } day and explain why. } 8) The day the small, green aliens snatched you out of your car, } dissected you while you watched, put you back together with a flash } of purple light, and left you semi-conscious, naked, and raving on } the streets of Manhattan, and nobody noticed anything out of the } ordinary. } 9) The day you got up in the morning, got dressed, went to work, and } spent four hours at your desk before you realized that you'd been } fired the previous day. } 10) Death. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin and the current time. --- 327-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the mighty of the mighty. To the big answer mark in the sky. > To your eternal everything-ness. > > * What should I do now? * And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DDDDDDDD UU UU CCCCCC KK KK !! } DD DD UU UU CC KK KK !! } DD DD UU UU CC KK KK !! } DD DD UU UU CC KKKK !! } DD DD UU UU CC KK KK !! } DD DD UU UU CC KK KK } DDDDDDDD UUUUUU CCCCCCC KK KK !! } } Oops, you didn't duck. The assassin got you. Now the } location of the Maltese falcon will remain lost for another } twenty years. Had you ducked, of course, you then should have } told someone else, but dodging bullets should ALWAYS take } priority over socializing. Do better in your next incarnation. } } You owe the ORACLE a Bogart movie that hasn't been } colorized, and a lead bird-shaped paperweight. --- 327-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most incredibly wow-er-ific Oracle, in all your > peachy-keen-niftyness... Answer me query... > > It's almost 2 in the morning. I have to work in the morning. Why am I > sitting at a keyboard wasting my time like this? And don't tell me I > need a woman. I had one, but she was too much of a pain, so I sold her > to an Arab. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } ...hmphhh? } } } } } Geez, look at the time... Well, let's see what's so god-awful important } at this time of night that it sets off the alarm... } } That's it? Someone with neither the intelligence to go to bed at a } decent hour or the self-knowledge to understand what's keeping him up? } I've gotta get my emergency line calibrated. } } Well, as long as I'm up... } } You are staying up this late because you suffer from the absurd } delusion that the cold, sterile world of computers can offer you some } form of entertainment and comfort that can't be found in your warm bed. } You have a masochistic stubborness about you that will keep you awake } no matter how much pain you know you will suffer tomorrow as you } stumble through your job in a semconscious state. Despite your fierce } denial and therefore actual fears that you have no social life, your } social life is adequate and has nothing to do with your compu-nocturnal } activities. Far more important is your inability to face the reality of } your situation and the consequences of your actions. } } Normally I would charge double the standard psychiatric rate for a } simple diagnosis considering the lateness of the hour, but I'll let } this one be a freebie if you GO TO BED! } } ...oh, and by the way, I think you made a mistake selling your last } woman. She's turned out to be one of the best bargains I've ever gotten } from Hakim. } } Goodnight. --- 327-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Through the pounding waves comes a small boat, containing only one > man. His back is bent with the task of rowing his craft to the > rocky shore. As the boat reaches the shore, a titanic wave crashes > it into the rocks, and smashes it to bits. As the surf subsides, > it becomes clear that the pilot has survived virtually unscathed. > > He crawls up the beach away from the surf, and rests for a moment. > Then he begins the long ascent up the cliff facing the beach. As > he proceeds higher, each step is made more perilous than the last > by the loose shale and gravel that cover the narrow goat path up > to the summit. Finally, he reaches the top, and at once he is > assailed by the gale-force winds blowing across the mesa before him. > > He bends into the wind, and trudges single-mindedly into the storm. > After a time, snow begins to fall and the gale turns into a blizzard. > Just at the last moments of visibility before the coming twilight and > blowing snow swollow all chance of survival, his destination comes > into view: a one-room wooden shack which looks fit to be condemed, > but is never the less proof against the storm's fury. > > He opens the door, and the rusty hinges screem and groan in protest. > The inside reveals nothing save a table and a chair in one corner. > On the table is a terminal lighting the room in a ghostly blue-gray > glow. The man sits before the terminal, which, as if sensing his > presence, displays a message which first appears to be in some > foriegn alphabet, but after a moment, it can be seen to be a very > odd font. The message says: > > Speak, traveler. What question have you for the Oracle? > > For several long moments the traveler sits staring at the message. > Then he slowly begins to type on the keyboard: > > Mighty Oracle: I have braved many hazards, risked my life, and > forsook any hope of return to my native land to gain your > wisdom. The question I ask has been pondered by the wise men > of my country to no avail -- but surely you must know. > > This is the puzzle I seek to unlock: where lies the greatest > treasure of life? > > After this, the traveler opens his pack, and makes camp in the > corner of the shack, to await an answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The greatest treasure of life is the one you have just given up. --- 327-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I explode a person (or a naval base) and thereby create > worldwide economic stability? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle speaks: } Oh you foolish mortal. The answer is so simple. All you need } do is watch one episode of the television show you humans call } MacGyver. After just one hour of simple instruction you will } be told how to construct bombs, disarm bombs, and meet a beautiful } woman, all using simple household objects. For instance, some } calcium phosphate, coal, sulfur and diamonds are a very effective } directional grenade when placed in a lead pipe. } } Next you must go to the doctor and have plastic surgery to make } yourself look like a famous person...any person would do. Even } Richard Dean Anderson of the previously mentioned show. Then } you call the white-+-house and get an invitation to a dinner } with the president. You can hide the lead pipe in your pants } and you will be the hit of the party (thus getting the beautiful } women mentioned above). } } Then as the dinner is winding down you light a match and blow up } little millie the dog. The resulting domino effect will collapse } the entire world into a chaotic ruin. } } The oracle has spoken: You owe it one flea collar, one 14 carat } diamond and one 3 inch member extension. --- 327-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > An IMPASSE, is still an IMPASSE!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S NOT! I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING -- OH, } SAY CAAAN YOU *SEEEEEEEE*, BY THE DAAAWN'S EAR-LY LIIIIGHT.... } } You owe the Oracle a megaphone and a pair of earplugs. --- 327-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that they are called "Apartments" when they are all pushed > together? They hardly seem "apart" to me ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The term "apartment" was a brainstorm from the ancient marketing firm } of Eiriksson and Eiriksson, who also handled the "Greenland" account, } developed the "War to End all Wars" campaign, and acted as press agents } for Richard Nixon. } } You owe the Oracle a better image. --- 327-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find a map of a cat ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Find?! Find, you say? As if these things were just lying around } all over the place, waiting for you to pick them up? Nay, irreverent } dabbler, such is not the way of cats. } On the practical side, you have hit it on the nose (for which the } ASPCA has been duly notified, the Oracle preferring to leave you to } your earthly justice for this offense) with your specification "of A } cat." The problem is that they're all different. } So, assuming that you have "found" a map *to* a cat, and have the } cat, getting the map of said cat is straightforward. Clearly you need } to take it to your nearest hospital and have it cat-scanned! You may } need many disks to contain the info, however. } Only beware! Your curiosity may kill the cat. } } You owe the Oracle: } a) proper respect. Go out and grovel to the 1st three people you } meet. } b) 2 Seldane.