From oracle-request Fri Jul 12 13:46:32 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 12 Jul 91 13:46:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #326 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 326 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #326 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Fri, 12 Jul 91 13:46:32 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 321 17 votes 25901 04940 54422 03932 11645 30635 13832 23912 23462 21536 321 3.1 mean 2.6 3.0 2.5 3.2 3.6 3.4 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.6 --- 326-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the fink that was so dank as to think that he could thank the > blinking skink and wanking crank in this think-tank (where those who > wink are those with rank) without a dink, without a spank? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } March 5, 1966 } } Comrade Skanksky, } } Your literary production has been reviewed by the Committee for } Socialist Poetics of the Semipalatinsk branch of the Soviet Writers' } Union and has been found to contain grave flaws, the nature of which } are both aesthetic and political. The most serious are discussed in } detail below; it is the expectation of the Committee that you will } correct these errors; when you have done so, you are invited to submit } the corrected product to the Committee for Socialist criticism. In this } way you will be lead to produce true Socialist poetics. } } As to the specific flaws: } } 1) Use of the word "Who" to begin a poem which is, in truth, } one extended interrogatory sentence, could lead } unsophisticated comrades to incorrect conclusions. } Remember, Comrade Skanksky, that while the role of the } progressive poet in bourgeois societies is to question, } thus preparing the intelligentsia for the coming of the } Revolution, the role of the Soviet poet is to instruct. } Tell them who, do not ask. } } 2) Use of the word "fink" is strictly proscribed from the } canon of Socialist poetics. The term is of Zionist } origin; in addition, its use is associated with the false } trade unions in some Western countries, and is } inadmissable in our Soviet life. Indeed, hooligans have } sometimes applied this term to members of our heroic } Committee for State Security! } } 3) The word "dank" as you have used it here, smacks of the } bourgeois poetic deviation of Imagism, and is } incompatible with Socialist poetics. } } 4) The word "think" is only to be used in association with a } specific, Marxist-Leninist thought; adherence to this } elementary principle of Socialist poetics is sadly } lacking here. You have shirked your responsiblity for the } politcal education of the Workers, Comrade Skanksky. } } 5) The word "thank", as you have used it here, suggests } conspiracy with foreign banking interests. This is the } second Zionist influence in the poem; this is troubling, } and has been referred to the Semipalatinsk office of the } Committe for State Security. } } 6) The phrase "the blinking skink and the cranking wank" is } clearly obscene. Comrade Skansky, the Workers have no } time for such bourgeois decadence! Perhaps your } privileged position as an Assistant Cyberneticist has led } you to lose sight of proletarian values? Perhaps a more } proletarian task would further your development as a } Socialist poet. } } 7) The foreign neologism "think-tank" is an obvious } reference to the American Central Intelligence Agency. } This is not a violation of Socialist poetics in itself; } in fact, the Committee thinks that it is the most } promising and progressive feature of your poem. However, } you do not show proper diligence in developing this } theme. Remember that the great V. Mayakovsky wrote: "the } tireless enemy never sleeps." You must be equally } tireless in denouncing the CIA, Comrade Skanksky! } } 8) It is the unanimous opinion of the Committee for } Socialist Poetics that the clause "(where those who wink } are those with rank)" is patent anti-Soviet slander. } } 9) The phrase "without a dink, without a spank" is another } example of dabbling in Western decadence and obscenity. } } In conclusion, Comrade Skanksky, the Committee for Socialist Poetics } thanks you for allowing us to criticize your literary product. We hope } that you will strengthen your development of progressive themes, as } indicated in point 7 above, and purge it and all other literary works } undertaken by you of political and aesthetic error. We expect to see a } corrected draft soon. } } Yours in Fraternal Socialist } Struggle, U. F. Oracle } Commissar of Prosody } Soviet Writers' Union } Semipalatinsk Branch } } P.S.: You will be contacted by the Committee for State } Security, regarding a series of remedial classes in } Marxism-Leninism. We believe that this will aid in your } development as a Soviet Poet. --- 326-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering > at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at > least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even > is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday, > whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a > beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance > in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the > keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in > throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all > kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite > number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes > him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can > that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most > foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy > advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a > cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping > your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor > supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is > forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach > place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble > walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a > bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about > the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in > all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant > "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just > plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a > question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far > beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of > the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably > wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a > very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would > imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just > for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as > me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might > utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept > anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I > really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go > with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a > bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right > now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am > such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never > want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now, > hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to > know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for > praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can you repeat the question? --- 326-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh ORACLE whose wisdom is more immense than george bush's > ability to deceive the american public: > > wherefore art intel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Comrade Nodagain, I have broken into the Amerikan defense computers. } Shall I reprogram them so they can't fire their missles when we launch } our nuclear strike?" } } "Of course Comrade Standin, that was the plan, no?" } } } } "There, we are in" } } "What does it say?" } } "It says, 'wherefore art intel?' Perhaps this is some new security?" } } "What else does it say?" } } "It mentions the great prowess of the Amerikan president! They are } on to us!" } } "Quick you fool, log off immediately!" } } --------------------BEEP--------------------- --- 326-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who truly knows what is good in life, I was just > wondering: > > In a fight between Batman and Superman, who would win? What if Batman > and Superman teamed up against Mike Ditka and the Chicago Bears; who > would win then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is vital when considering such questions to realize that Batman } and Superman, under most circumstances, never appear together. So any } hypothetical fight between them would naturally be the result of a } wholly fictional event, and thus entirely up to the writers, unlike } their usual adventures, which always turn out for the best as we both } know. } } However, if the Oracle were to write the epic battle, it would not only } be jolly exciting, but the eventual victor would be (wait for it!) } Robin. Robin, you say? Yes, Robin. It has always been My view that } Robin is in fact the force behind Batman. Ever since he changed from } Adam West to Michael Keaton, there has been a certain something missing } from his character, a certain panache, a certain style, a certain... } appeal, and I firmly believe it is due to the missing presence of his } young ward. You see, while it was never revealed to the general public, } the Oracle sees all, and it is clear to me that Robin was the real } crimefighter fo the two, but due to his diminutive stature, hired } another to be the 'front' for his activities, to draw fire and impress } the locals, you know. At any rate, he certainly didn't give all his } secrets to Batman; that would be foolish. In fact, despite his lack of } the other-worldly powers enjoyed by Superman, with his gadgetry alone } he was a formidable opponent. While I can't go into specifics for } obvious reasons, Robin was technologically far ahead of his time, and } is more than a match for Superman. } } As for Mr. Ditka and the Bears, such a contest would depend largely on } the location and the time of year in which the contest took place. The } Bears would not be in training during certain times of the year, and } would feel out of their element were they not in a stadium or a bar. } Mr. Ditka himself, of course, would not participate, but rather would } act in his customary role as a noncombatant. } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bears comic books and season } tickets to the Superman/Batman games. Or something like that. --- 326-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle most spiffy who never cesses to amaze even 7-11 store > managers. tell me... > why do birds fall down from the sky > every time you walk by? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } just like me } they long to be } close to you. } } you owe the oracle a package of breath mints --- 326-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and sensitive yet politically-correct Oracle, why is it that > men are required to flirt with me over email, accidentally say > something insulting, and then get all whimpery and sad and think > they're completely socially incompetant when I tease them about it? > It's happened twice today. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Oracle } Apprenticeship Program. Has everyone done the reading assignment? } Yes? Good. And have you had a chance to look over the sample question? } Yes? No? Some trouble? Ok, let's put the overhead up and look at it. } } } } "As you can see the question contains an appropriate salutation, 'Oh } wise and sensitive, etc. etc.' and is followed by a relatively short } question concerning men who get whimpery and sad when they're insulted. } Now, would anyone like to take a whack at it? } } } } "Yes, you in the third row." } } "Well, obviously the letter is written by some obnoxious babe who loves } to flirt with these guys and build them up so she can knock them down. } I think it would be appropriate for a real crusher of an insult to put } her in her place." } } "Yes. Well, while that may or may not be true, your answer doesn't } really fall under 'wise and sensitive'. Also, the writer may not be a } woman. } } } } "Ok, ok, I admit that the writer IS probably a woman, but it wouldn't } be politically correct to simply assume that, and the writer did } address the Oracle as 'politically correct'. Sometimes those } salutations come back to haunt you. Also, if you want to be considered } the 'all-knowing' Oracle, it's best not to get tripped up on the small } details. } } } } "One of the options open to the Oracle is to trip the writer up on the } writer's own small details. Can anyone show me how that might be done } with this question. Yes, you in the 6th row?" } } "The way the writer spells e-mail as 'email'? } } "Well, you might possibly get a smile out of that one. But I was } looking for something else. Yes, you in the 5th row eating the } sno-cone." } } "The way the writer uses the word 'required'?" } } "Good! Yes. The writer says, '... men are required to flirt with } me...'. This opens the door to a number of jokes. Maybe a joke about } how some colleges have strange requirements. } } } } "Any questions? Yes, you in the scuba suit." } } "Oracle, how would you have answered this?" } } "Me? This is only a beginner's class. When you get more advanced } you'll learn how to simulate Unix logins or write some detective } fiction or put down a poem or a top-ten list. My personal favorite is } to create a fictional dialog that treats the questioner as a third } party, without ever actually answering the question. } } } } "Well that's it. For next class, please read chapters 4 and 5 and do } the problem sets." } } ------------------------------------ } You owe the Oracle a pamphlet on political correctness, you stupid } bimbo. --- 326-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, please tell me - > > Why does my peanut butter keep sticking to the roof of my mouth ? > > Thank you in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would rather it stick to the backs of your knees? } } You owe the oracle a case of Jif and Peter Pan. --- 326-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is subliminal sexual advertising a good idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In spite } of the seeming } benefits to } the advertiser, } in the form of } short-term increases } in sales and product } attractiveness, } subliminal sexual } advertising should be } avoided as a marketing } tool. The inevitable } long-range effect is a } permanent association } in the consumer's mind } between the product and } the foulest of sexual } perversions. It may } require years and a cost } of millions of dollars } to restore to the product } line a wholesome image. } Consider the case of the } Coca Cola Corporation, } which has incorporated sexual imagery } into its soft drink advertisements without } shame or hesitation for several decades. From } the early seventies scenes of nature-worshipping } bra-less flower children rolling in the grass to the } nineties bikini-clad breast-joggling beach volleyball } players, Coca Cola's promotional spots have never varied } from their slut-filled crotch-worshipping skin-flashing } hormone-driven norm. As a result, today Coke finds itself in } dreadful straits. Some 78% of all women between puberty and } menapause admit to dildoing with an ice-cold bottle of Coke } at least once per week (and many as often as four times } daily), but only 4% still drink the soda inside that } bottle. Since a single bottle can service a } healthy young woman for several years without } suffering in quality, Coca Cola has put } itself in an unenviable } business posture. } } You owe the Oracle what comes to mind. --- 326-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh for heaven's sake--don't bother me with these requests. Get a } forked stick and walk around until it pulls downward, then dig there. } } Sheesh. --- 326-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle, who selflessly and at no small personal > expense beams the unscrambled Playboy Channel signal to impoverished > third-world nations, please plunge me into the bright light with an > answer to the following question: > > A box of "Good & Plenty" contains both pink and white candies. Are the > pinks the "goods" and are the whites the "plenties"? Or is it the > other way around? > > Thanks in advance for the answer, and thanks for just being you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you've got completely the wrong idea. } } The candies (both pink and white) are "plenty", 'cause there's plenty } of them. The box is "good", because it contains far more nutritional } value than the candies. } } You owe the Oracle a signal booster for those nations set in valleys.