From oracle-request Wed May 22 18:58:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 22 May 91 18:58:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #309 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 309 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #309 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 22 May 91 18:58:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 304 14 votes 04631 05621 06431 15440 27221 05360 63311 24422 36311 23621 304 2.7 mean 3.1 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.5 3.1 2.1 2.9 2.4 2.8 --- 309-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If three men all have equal amounts of money, and they go to a bar and > order drinks, and if each drink costs 2 dollars, and if the bartender > is Spanish, and if the Fed lowers the prime lending rate half a > percent, and if Jesse Jackson announces his 92 campaign, and if each > man knows only two others at the bar, and if the Atlanta Braves stay > in first place, and if the bar runs out of swizzle sticks, and if > nothing else happens, THEN WHAT??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Then the Seattle Mariners will win the world series. --- 309-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm bored, tell me a story. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Tell me a story"? "Tell me a story"? Such a request from a mere } mortal! You are not even worty to touch my smallest circuit. But a } story...this could be interesting. } } Why the Shmanka-bank-bank is Such } a Groovy Guy! } by the USENET Oracle (that's me!) } } The stranger stood upon the small rise overlooking the small } vlage. It all appeared the same. The same at it had for centuries. } But he had the feeling that something would happen today. Something } wonderful. Something to praise. } } Steve looked up from his keyboard at the person in the } doorway. "Whatd'ya want, dammit!?" } "Steve, the boss wants to see you," said the sultry voice } belonging to the overweight secretary. "NOW!" } "Yeah, yeah," Steve replied. Same old thing as everyday. } "The boss wants this", "the boss wants that." Yeah, whatever. Steve } had his own problems. These shitheads didn't know what the hell they } were doing, but he did. } } A little while later, his boss entered, turned on the lights, } and looked behind the door. } "Steve. I want to know what the hell is going on. Your } current process, this AnswerQuestion, is just taking too much damn } processor power. You're going to have to shut it down. And what about } the molecular modeling lab I had you working on?" } Oh great. Here it goes again. "Look Mr. Shmanka-bank-bank, I } don't need your shit. The lab is done. I promise. Really. Look } here's a picture of some output." Steve scrounged around in his } latest issue of Chemistry Today (hey, it's free!), and found a } picture. "Here. How's that?" } Mr. Shmanka-bank-bank took the photo. "Hmmm. Looks kinda } like the output Mike down the hall gave me. In any case, keep working } on it, and shut down AnswerQuestion!" The boss guy stormed out. } Steve slinked down the hall, staying against the walls and in } the shadows. He ducked into Mike's office, turned on the lights, and } looked behind the door. } "Mike. Look, I got this great program I'm working on. It's } called AnswerQuestion, and it's the greatest thing since vi." } Mike grabbed his vi puke bucket and ralphed away. After he } recovered, he looked up and said, "That good, eh?" } "Yeah. It's great. But it's pretty CPU intensive, and the } boss man wants it shut down. Besides I'm supposed to be working on a } molecular modeling program." } "You too?" Mike replied. "We've been working on that for the } past 6.2462 years. Just show him a picture out of Chemistry Today. } You get a free subscription." } "I did. I think he might be catching on." } "Great. Now what are WE supposed to do." } "Look Mike, I don't care. But I want to keep AnswerQuestion } running. It's the greatest thing since VMS!" } Mike grabbed a bucket with no writing on it. He quickly } scribbled "VMS Puke Bucket" on a PostIt note and stuck it on the } bucket. "Just till I can get something more permenant," he said. He } then proceeded to manufacture copious amounts of Technicolor belches. } Upon completion, he said, "Look Stever, just rename the } process. Name it something like Q&A, or maybe, maybe Oracle! Yeah, } that just might work! Besides, there's already a commercial product } under that name." } "Thanks Mike! That's a great idea!" Steve ran down the hall } back to his little hovel. He sat in his old duct-taped repaired } chair. He felt the tape stick to the patches of hair on his scrawny } legs, and he sighed with comfort. } } And THAT is how I got my name. I know, I know, it has little } to do with the title, but that's ok. I mean, I'm the Oracle, dammit! } } (Hey Steve, no offense. No, hey, don't touch that! Don't tou.. --- 309-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise oracle....how can I banish SPICE from this world so my > life would be simpler? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Banish SPICE from the world? Why would you want to? I mean, SPICE is } the variety in life, or so they say. I happen to be rather found of } SPICE myself! Nothing like a good dash of garlic in the old pasta to } heat it up a bit! } } Still, you asked how you might be able to banish it. Technically, you } can't. Mostly because there are so many SPICEs in the world today, most } of which are naturally occuring. To banish all the SPICE in the world } would require the all out destruction of many plants and we know the } Eco-Nuts won't go for that. No, at best, you can attempt to banish } SPICE from your own life. } } To do so, first round up all the SPICE in your kitchen and throw it all } away. Then buy only food you know will taste like wet cardboard that } has been nuked repeatedly until it was approved for use on humans. } Quite often these products go by names such as "The Poor Man's Buffet" } in an attempt to make you feel that, although you are broke and can't } afford real food, you've at least got some class. To be certain that no } SPICE enters your life you should be certain to double check all of the } labels on all products you buy and avoid anything that even hints at } being a SPICE. MSG, by the way, could almost be considered a SPICE, but } is generally looked down apon by the TRUE SPICEs in the world. Lastly, } never eat out at any resturaunts again as you never know if the cook } has spit in the house dressing, let alone put any SPICEs into your } food. } } If you follow the above guidelines, you will find that life has become } one major pain in the tuckas. So as you can no-doubt see, banishing } SPICE from your life won't make it easier, but actually more of a } problem. I suggest you go into counseling to try and overcome your } hostility to cooking seasonings. } } You owe the Oracle a spaghetti dinner with heavy garlic and a breath } mint. --- 309-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O `egrep know|wise|wisd /usr/dict/words` Oracle! > > Is there a god? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If there's one thing I _can't_ stand, it's syntax errors. } In addition to always checking your spelling, you must check your } command syntax. In the future, please use this: } egrep "(know|wise|wisd)" /usr/dict/words } } Let's see what happens when we do this: } oracleCray# egrep "(know|wise|wisd)" /usr/dict/words | colm } acknowledge knoweth nowise wisdom } acknowledgeable knowhow otherwise wise } bitwise knowledge pairwise wiseacre } clockwise knowledgeable piecewise wisecrack } counterclockwise known sidewise wisenheimer } crosswise lengthwise stepwise } edgewise likewise unbeknownst } know marketwise widthwise } oracleCray# } } Hmmm... "O lengthwise Oracle!" "O stepwise Oracle!" } "O wisenheimer Oracle!" If I weren't in such a good mood, I'd } hurl a 50,000 volt lighting strike at your pet walrus. } } Another thing I can't stand is a vague questions. "Is there a god?" } Of _course_ there is _A_ god! There are lots of gods: } } Some monowordiatics: } } oracleCray# egrep god /usr/dict/words | colm } demigod god godfather godkin godmother godsend godwit } ergodic goddess godhead godlike godparent godson pagoda } } Not to mention some polywordiatics: } } oracleCray# find /usr/oracle/phrases/human -exec egrep god {} \; | colm } sex god math god technical support god } love god physics god ohmi god } badger god science god swearto god } rap god sales god } } Of course, you were probably thinking of "God", in the sense of } something unique, powerful, and totally spiffy. If you had asked "Is } there a God?" the list would be different: } } oracleCray# egrep God /usr/dict/words | colm } demiGod God Godfather Godkin Godmother Godsend Godwit } erGodic Goddess Godhead Godlike Godparent Godson paGoda } } oracleCray# find /usr/oracle/phrases/human -exec egrep God {} \; | colm } sex God math God technical support God } love God physics God ohmi God } badger God science God swearto God } rap God sales God } } I hope this answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle a `egrep rigol /usr/dict/words` --- 309-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > man lisa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % rm -r ~supplicant/genitalia } } Thou shalt not grep the Oracle's private man pages, let alone his } personal domain! } } You owe the Oracle 100 laps around the Acropolis. --- 309-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Secure Oracle, who needs no ass kissing from me in order to answer > my question, how is it that I can pick my nose for hours and hours and > still be pulling out nuggets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously there is a misconception at work here,foolish mortal. The } Oracle you see, must be given an offering of ass kissing, otherwise he } is freed from his pledge to give even a truthful answer. This is why } almost nobody has gotten a serious answer from the Oracle yet. You know } all those times I've said,"Oh,very well,foolish supplicant. I should } turn you into a fivtoed muck wombat for not laying on the praise,but } I'll answer you just this once." and then I've gone on to give them } some advice which leads to them (1) looking quite silly,(2) ending up } dead,or (3) both of the above? You think it just an ACCIDENT???! Of } course, the times when people died have been few and far between and } the Oracle has gotten his hand slapped for them, so I don't do it } anymore. The last time was when I told Paris he should just elope with } Helen of Troy (snicker.) and just look what THAT led to. And now I } shall give you one of the same answers. Of course, it won't be proper } at all for you to know that this is the way the Oracle really works, so } how about if I just overwrite your memory of the last few minutes,eh? } } <* * * * * K A - Z A R R R R R R R R K ! ! * * * * *> } } There we are. Oh, hello, mortal supplicant. You know, normally I don't } answer people who don't give praise at the beginning of their } questions... but I really like you! You're not bad for a mortal. Now } then, to answer your question, you can pick your nose for hours upon } end and still keep getting nuggets, because a hyperdimensional gateway } has been created in your skull, linking your left nostril to a vein of } gold in California during the late 1840's. Yes, your nose is reaping } the gold that was found in Sutter's Mill. Yes, I know that they still } look like boogers. But that's just a layer of snot on the actual gold. } What you have to do is start collecting these nuggets, and when you've } got a few pounds, take it to the nearest gold exchange. It will make } you rich beyond your wildest dreams!!! Trust me! } [next the Oracle writes something in fine print so small that it can } easily be mistaken for a speck of dust in the lower corner of the } monitor] [When examined with an electron microscope five years after } this incident, it will be discovered to have said," Oh, but be careful! } The warp could close at any moment... and then you'd really just be } taking boogers to the exchange (snicker,chuckle,guffaw!)"] } } You owe the Oracle a green dragon. If green dragons are not available, } you can just paint some other-colored dragon. --- 309-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did my emacs just crash leaving me all alone and desolate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoa there, little doggie! Are you sure that it's YOUR emacs? Have } you noticed an increase in its usability, or friendliness lately? } Yes? FINALLY! I have found my emacs! } } You see, it ran away, skipping across the Internet the other day. And } thanks to you, I have found it! } } Obviously, it crashed because it got homesick. And hey, look how } skinny he's looking! Did you forget to feed him?! You slimy bastard! } Looks like I'll be calling the computer program rights activists. I } hope your boss LIKES having his building picketed. } } You owe the Oracle a picket sign bearing the phrase "Emacs's are } people, too!" --- 309-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the greatest invention of all time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Far, far away in an average sized spiral galaxy there lies a small } cluster of stars, known as the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars. } Circling one of these suns is a world known to its inhabitants as } 'Dirt'. These beings, who are small, grey-orange, and have two heads } have cultivated a technical civilisation, centred on the invention, } production and marketing of new devices to the other worlds circling } the other suns in the Boring Group, for which they get in exchange } small lumps of yellow metal. } } All went as normally happens on these sorts of worlds. Machines were } invented. Machines were sold. More and different machines were } invented when the novelty of the old ones wore off. This pattern of } events continued for some time, even though nobody could see the point } of it all. } } Until the ninety-fourth day of the sixteenth year of the reign of } Bognos the Purple-faced, seventy-fourth Emperor of the Nsmog Dynasty. } On this day, Namrof the Inventor invented 'a most wondrous machine.' } This machine could do anything, absolutely anything at all. It could } work out income tax, both actual and claimed. It could make dark brown } beverages with caffeine in them. It could count to nineteen without } resorting to the use of genital appendages. It could forecast the } weather. It could play Megachess, both the board version and the } body-contact version. It could scarf a family-sized pizzafrisbee } without slicing it. In short, it could do absolutely anything at all. } } Namrof was well-pleased. The machine was bound to fetch a good bounty } from the Emperor. } } But all was not well. } } First, the patent laws of Dirt were incredibly torturous, and made it } difficult for Namrof to specify precisely the function of the said } machine. Also, there were legal challenges from others who claimed that } the invention infringed on their patent. Who cares, this happens all } the time, no matter what the invention is. } } Then the Inventor's Union threatened to blacklist, lynch, hang, draw, } quarter and stomp to bits Namrof, because if his invention could } _really_ do anything, then it could invent, and they would be out of a } job. } } The Emperor refused to pay a bounty on the machine, because he found } the idea of a machine shaped like a slightly outsized garbage bin } somewhat unappealing. Even if the shape of the thing was acceptable, } he continued, nobody could possibly want a machine painted that } particular shade of chartreuse and purple. } } Finally, it turned out that one of the disregarded 'Infringement of } Patent' notices was in fact from God, and that Namrof would be struck } down by lightning. } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ** ZOT ** \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } } Just before he died, Namrof asked the machine to destroy itself. } So the machine went to Galactic MacChucks, gorged itself on ninety-four } MacBurgers, and exploded. } } So as you can see, dear supplicant, the greatest invention of all time } was one that could do anything. But it was invented on a world that } couldn't handle it. } } It's a pity, too, since I was going to split the proceeds fifty-fifty } with the late and lamented Namrof. } } You owe it to the Oracle to keep very quiet about this before God finds } out, because he'll be very sore with anyone inv------- } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ** ZOT ** \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ --- 309-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and ever expanding Oracle, whose dimensions are well nigh > infinite and all encompassing, I am having a problem. I have a > two-dimensional friend [and no, I am not predjudice because I consider > him my > two-dimensional friend and not my friend, since it is relevant to my > question], who I want to explain the game of bowling too. He doesn't > understand how one cannot get a strike, since in his world [a plane]: > > ball thrown ---> O |||||| > ball pins > > O//||| > ball hits pins > > _ _ _ _ _ O > ball knocks all pins down > > It is the same every time. So, my friend doesn't see the point to the > game. How can I explain volume to him so that he can understand that > not all the pins will necessarily be hit in bowling in my dimension > [three of space and one of time +/- whatever niggling hangers on from > the big bang]? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first thing you should do is get a copy of the excellent little } book, "Stringland." It tells the story of Mr. A-Line and his one } dimensional universe. Your two-dimensional friend should be able to } extrpolate what a three dimensional world would be like by putting } himself in the shoes of Mr. A-Line. If he can see how Mr. A-Line } would view a two-dimensional world, then he should be able to see a } three-dimensional one, at least in a crude way. } Or you might try presenting him with the concept of bowling, } viewed from above: } } o o o o } o o o } o o } o } ^ } | } O } } Or you might want to talk to the INS and see if you can get } him a three-month pass into this dimension, so he can actually try } bowling himself. } Or you might just want to forget the little bugger and get } on with your life. No reason to obsess about it. } } You owe the Oracle a hyper-shpere, a four-dimensional bowling ball. --- 309-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, forgive me for such a trivial question, but: > > Today, I thought about Casper The Friendly Ghost and was suddenly > siezed with a desire to know: Where do you suppose they buried Casper > The Friendly Dead Kid (and how was he killed)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What an amazing coincedence that you should happen to ask that question } just ask ole Casper is taking a tour of the facilities. Hold on a } minute, and I'll get him to type the answer in his own words... } } } } Here he is. Off you go, Cas! } .... } ..... } Um, there seems to be a problem here. Ole Casper never learned how to } write as a kid, and since he's incorporial, he can't even use the } keyboard. Guess I'll just have to do it myself... } } The Friendly Life and Tragic } Death of Casper the } Ghost } (As told to the Oracle) } Fust of all, I don' want you givin' me that 'friendly ghost' crap, hear } me? That waz my agent's idea, and, hey, it got me da gig, right? Plus I } get ta woik wit that built broad Wendy...an she's got some great bones, } lemme tell ya! Now, lesse. I was born Jack Casper Fenugliato in } Brooklyn, NYC. At da age of five, my fatha trew me outa da house, an' I } joined up wit da Friendly Spirits, a group o' fun-loving guys who got } together an' did friendly things together. Like fer instance we'd visit } the local greengrocer and--real friendly-like-- comment on how nice his } shop was, an' what a shame it'd be iffen it got burned to the } ground-like, know what I mean? Bein' da friendly sort himself, he'd } give us 100 bucks an' we'd go be friendly wit the chicks downtown. } Round about the time I toined seven, seems one o' the friendly } shopkeepers forgot to unload his shotgun an' I ended up Jack Casper da } Ghost. Not wanting ta have my less than working remains 'round his } shop, he gave da boyz another 100 bucks ta put it under an ole } abandoned building over on Flatbush, where it lies today. I haunted } 'round there fer a couple a years 'till I met my agent Manny who got me } da 'Friendly Ghost' gig. Lemme tell ya--death ain't so bad when you're } pullin' down 5 g's an episode! Dat's about all dere is to it. } } ... } Well, there you have it. Aren't you glad you asked? } } You owe the Oracle some more childlike illusions, and a better Brooklyn } accent.