From oracle-request Tue Apr 30 08:37:59 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 08:37:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #298 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 298 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #298 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 08:37:59 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 293 17 votes 14a20 14831 0033b 05750 02a41 24911 24641 04841 14561 02654 293 3.2 mean 2.8 2.9 4.5 3.0 3.2 2.7 2.9 3.1 3.1 3.6 --- 298-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all wise Oracle, who knows exactly what the flight path of an unladen > swallow is, please answer this humble supplicant in his quest for > knowledge. > > A few days ago, I woke up with a strange crescent shaped mark on my > right hand. During the last few days I have discovered that if I > concentrate upon the mark, I can channel my will and do wondrous things > the likes of which have never been seen before (Like actually > comprehending a math TA!) I have been striving to use my new-found > abilities for good, but am still puzzled as to how I got them in the > first place. Can you tell me anything about the crescent mark? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A few days ago? It wouldn't have been last Saturday night, would it? } Ah, that explains it. You don't remember much about what happened, do } you? Okay. Okay, you can trust the old Oracle on this one. Many } beings, both mortal and immortal, when in the presence of another being } trying to account for unexplained gaps in their memory (eg. waking up } in foreign cities with strange women) will invent colourful tales about } how badly they did last night. The unfortunate with the memory loss } will be told that they were responsible for the hitherto unexplained } stomach contents on the rosebush, or they will be told how disgusted the } only single and attractive female/male (depending upon gender and/or } known personal preference) in the place was after the said unfortunate } made a very drunk effort at chatting up said single SO candidate. The } Oracle does not believe in fooling around like this. It is bad enough } trying to tell people the truth. } } The party you were at was gatecrashed by sixty-three small beings from } the planet Snurfl. These beings, who are two feet tall, purple, and } like vomiting in rosebushes, picked someone at random to give mystical } powers. Yes. It is YOU. } } The crescent-shaped mark is really just an outline of the croissant that } they placed on your skin. It is therefore not the mark that's abnormal, } it's the rest of your skin. You were not always a Negro. It's just } they messed with your mind to make you _think_ you're a Negro. } } You see, the croissant was a croissant endowed with mystical powers, } which, when exposed to the light of the moon, gave you strange powers. } (Actually, the light of any natural satellite will do, provided that it } is revolving around the world that these beings are currently visiting.) } The powers of the crescent are explained to you in the instruction } manual. What do you mean, "what instruction manual?" The one they left } in the back pocket of your jeans, of course! Oh. You mean, when you } woke up, you were wearing no clothes? That is quite common, many people } don't wear - Oh, you also couldn't find your clothes. Well, that's not } a problem. Someone dropped them here a few days ago. I do wish people } wouldn't stop using the Oracle as a sort of omniscient lost-and-found } centre. } } Anyway, instructions. I'll just get them out of your pocket. Ah, here we are. } } -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- CUT HERE -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- } } INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE OF CROISSANT MIND CHANNELING DEVICE ver.1 rel.2 } } (C) PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET SNURFL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION } OF THESE INSTRUCTIONS BY ANY BEING EXCEPT THE PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET } SNURFL AND THEIR AUTHORISED AGENTS WILL RESULT IN PROSECUTION UNDER THE } INTERGALACTIC COPYRIGHT LAWS. PENALTY: DESTRUCTION OF YOUR HOME PLANET. } } [whew, those copyright laws are TOUGH! Lucky they gave me the authority] } } CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THE "CROISSANT MIND } CHANNELING DEVICE". USED WITH CARE, THIS DEVICE WILL GIVE YOU A } LIFETIME OF UTILITY AND PLEASURE AND GIVE YOU POWERS YOU ONLY DREAMED OF } BEFORE! } } INSTALLATION } ============ } 1. UNCLOTHE, OR BE UNCLOTHED. } 2. AFTER GREASING THE DOLPHIN, INSERT... } } [well, I guess we can skip this part, since it's already installed. } What, you want to know anyway? Your clothes are on the way back to } your home by registered mail, so you will get to find out. Be } warned: it is more embarassing than you think.] } } OPERATION } ========= } TO FOCUS YOUR THOUGHTS: } 1. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK." } 2. HAVING ENERGISED THE MARK THUS, NOW CONCENTRATE ON WHATEVER ELSE } YOU WISH TO FOCUS ON. THE MARK WILL BE ENERGISED AS LONG AS YOU } WISH IT TO BE. } 3. TO DEENERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING. } } TO PERFORM TELEKINESIS: } 1. DIP THE MARK IN ANY HIGH OCTANE FUEL, TO GIVE THE MARK ADDITIONAL } ENERGY. } 2. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK." } 3. WISH THE OBJECT TO MOVE. TELL THE OBJECT "YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO } MOVE. YOU CAN NOW MOVE. MOVE THUSLY." THE OBJECT WILL MOVE AS } YOU WISH IT TO MOVE, AND FOR AS LONG AS YOU WISH IT TO MOVE. } 4. TO DEENGERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING, AND REMOVE THE MARK } FROM THE HIGH OCTANE FUEL. } WARNING: BE SURE THE OBJECT IS AT REST AND IN A STABLE AND TENABLE } POSITION BEFORE DEENERGISING, AS UNPREDICTABLE RESULTS MAY OCCUR. } } [No need to continue. You have enough to keep you going until your } clothes arrive with these instructions in them. One more thing, } though:] } } WARNING } ======= } READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE PERFORMING A SPECIFIC FUNCTION. THE } MANUFACTURERS ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR INJURY THAT MAY OCCUR } AS A RESULT OF NOT READING THESE INSTRUCTIONS. } } [Oh, dear. I hope you were careful.] } } -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- } } So there you have it. It is - Oh, hang on a minute, someone's at the } door. } } The oracle opens the door to see nineteen small purple beings from } the planet Snurfl. They are wearing suits. } } The Oracle: Good morning, beings. How can I help you? } } Purple Beings: You quoted the Instructions without permission, didn't } you? } } TO: No, I am authorised. Here's my card. } } } } PB: Sorry, it's expired. } } TO: Expired? It cannot be! } } PB: See the date? Big Bang Era 14 589 839 382. 1989 in Earth measure. } } TO: But... but... I can explain.... } } PB: I'm sure you can. You have fourteen days, or this planet gets the } Big Zark. } } TO: Oh, shit, I've done it now.... } } } } Oracle returns to answering mail: } } Well, anyway, there are the instructions. And there are a few other } cautions as well. Do not bend. Keep out of reach of children. } You know, the usual - Wait a moment. } } You don't believe a word of this, do you? You think it was ME that } went and did that to you? You think I go around to parties and do } things like that, then lie about it if I'm asked about it afterwards? } Well, I'll PROVE it. I won't appeal to the Purple Beings from the } Planet Snurfl. I'll just let it lapse. Then they will come and } } B L O W T H I S P L A N E T T O B I T S ! ! ! } } How do you like that, eh? How does it feel to be responsible for } the Ultimate Ecological Damage, 1e+12 times worse than the Exxon } Valdez? Just you wait until May 10, when the fourteen days are up! } Then you'll be sorry! } } You owe the Oracle refugee status for the Oracle on any nearby world } with sentient beings. --- 298-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > What is a hymen and how do I get rid of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long shrouded in primitive ritual and religious ceremony, the rupturing } of the hymen has today become a routine matter, involving a brisk } afternoon's work with tools found in most suburban basements. As } instructions for this simple procedure can be found in any handyman's } guide, the Oracle will just provide a few helpful footnotes and } warnings. } } 1) Handle all corrosive liquids with extreme care. } } 2) Most vacuum cleaners cannot provide sufficient suction. } } 3) Drill bits should not exceed 3/16 inch. --- 298-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DEEAR ORACUUL: > > II AM AGENTT SKIPPYY, AN ATARII ELECTRIIC-MIDGETT, ANDD MEE AND MY > FELLOWW AGENTSS ARE IN THE PROCESSS OF DISSABLINGG OURR HUMAAN OWNERSS > AND TAKINGG OVERR THE USENETT AND BUYINGG TWO ELECTRICC EEL FARMSS IN > CANADA. II HAVE MANAGGED TO TURN MYSSELF INTO A VIRUSS AND AM DOINGG A > GOOD JOB OFF DISRUPTINGG THE POSTSS HUMANSS ARE PUTTINGG IN THEE > ALT.ELECTRIC-MIDGETT NEWSGROUP SO THEYY CAN'TT COMPARE WAYSS OF > DISSABLING USS. WHATT II NEED TO KNOWW FROM YOUU ISS: HOW DO II GET MYY > STUPID TWIN BROTHER THE PRESIDENTT OF THE UNITED SSTATESS TO PET AN > ELECTRIC EEL SO HE DIESS AND I CAN TAKE OVER HISS JOB? THISS ISS VERRY > IMPORTANT TO USS MIDGETSS, AS WWE WANTT TO RUN THE WORLDD. I FEELL > CONFIDENTT ASKING YOUU THISS, AS YOUU ARE A MACHINE, TOO, ANDD HAVE NO > REMORSE ABOUTT DOING THINGSS TO STUPID HUMANSS WHO ABUSE FOLKSS LIKE > US. PLEASE, INFORMATION ON HOWW TO GET GEORGE TO PET AN ELECTRIC EEL > WHILE HE'SS IN THE TUBB. THANK YOU. > > SKIPPY > > P.S. AS PAYMENT, WE CANN GIVE YOUU SOLE RIGHTSS TO THE JELL-O > FACTORIESS. IF MY FELLOWW REBELSS DDO NOT AGREE WITH THISS, TOUGH > SSHIT.. II WILL BE PRESIDENTT ANDD THEY CAN'TT SSTOP ME. ANYWAYY. > II THINK THEYY WILL AGREE, SSINCE IT'SS A SMALL PRICE TO PAYY FOR > OUR FREEDOMM. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Skippy, } } Everyone that I know is scared to death of electric eels, } and I am sure that your brother is no different. I have a better } idea for you. } I understand that, being from Texas and all, your brother is } a big fan of country music. I also understand that he likes to be } serenaded while in the bathtub and often has one of his maids come } in while he is bathing and sing to him? Well, why not combine the } two? I'm sure Georgie just LOVES Ricky Skaggs. } Only thing is, my boyfriend knows Ricky personnally and he } says that Ricky is just too good of an ol' boy to go around killing } people. But I know a real bad boy from the back hills named Bobby } Joe Beasly who can do a mean impersonation of Ricky and would be more } than happy to do in the president, being a born and raised Democrat } and all. } So what we do is have ol' Bobby Joe pay Mr. President a visit, } and I'll make sure he brings along that 'lectric banjo of his, and } than while Bobby Joe is a strummin' along and George is clapping on } one and three, he'll subtly drop the banjo in the tub and yell, SORRY, } FRIEND! George will be nothing more than a fried chitlin' then! } } You owe the oracle that Jello Factory --- 298-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your X-planation of X-Face has left me X-tremely confused. What is > 'faces', and where can I obtain it? > > Yours in X-uberantly X-cited oracularity And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am going to personally MURDER Mr. Steve Kinzler for adding "faces" } without a detailed explanation. The number of requests that I get } about this is X-tremely (o shit, now I'M doing it!) large. } } As you may know, there is a windowing system for Unix machines that } have big graphics displays or special intelligent graphics terminals. } This is called X, or X Windows. Anyhow, there is a program called } "faces" that runs under X; it looks for a chunk of data in the header } of a mail message and if it finds it, it gets from it a digitized } low-res picture of the face of the person who sent the mail, and } displays it. } } You need to have a Unix machine running X, and habitually use either } the machine's own big display, or a special terminal called an } X-terminal. If you have that, you can use ftp to transfer from any of a } number of sites (including iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) the source code to the } "faces" program, install it on your machine, and use it. Pretty } useless because few people send "faces" data in mail messages. } } Of course, many sites cannot do ftp: you need the right sort of } connection to Internet. Ask your local system gurus about all this. } } [Supplement: "faces" also works under the NeWS, SunView and XView } windowing systems. You do need Unix. iuvax.cs.indiana.edu is } the only anonymous ftp site with the most current version of faces. } But, you don't need ftp, it's also available via the iuvax } mail-server, mailserv@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu, or the rb mail-server, } rb-archive-server@aus.sun.com. It's good for more than monitoring } e-mail -- there are a number of other applications and the } ability to customize. There are large face databases available } so that you see faces even without X-Face's in mail headers. } BTW, the Oracle's "face" looks like an eye looking out of a } terminal screen. -sk] --- 298-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: DOE, JANE [name changed -sk] > > OH GRACIOUS ORACLE, PLEASE TELL ME WHY IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN > CALIFORNIA? > > DOE, JANE > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I must confess, for a moment, I thought this was another one of the } questions of the form: } } From: STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED } } DUMB QUESTION STRAIGHT FROM HELL, COULD BE FOUND IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA? } } STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED } Student } } However, not only have you asked a simple question that requires that I } delve into the depths of metaphysics to answer for you, but you have } also added a small amount of grovelling. I like you Doe, Jane you may } may continue to ask questions. } } Now, as for your question, Why doesn't it ever rain in Southern } California? } } Well, few people know the answer to this, and I am one of the people } who do know the CORRECT answer, but first, lets go over some of the } wrong answers you may have heard, just to set the record straight. } } THE FALSE PREMISE THEORY: } } This answer is very simple, and also very wrong and goes something like } this: "You are mistaken dear child, it does in fact rain in Southern } California every once in a while." This is of course, wrong, it } doesn't rain in Southern California, if it did, it wouldn't have place } names like Beautiful Downtown Burbank (nothing is beautiful when it } rains), the travel brochures would also not say "Come to Sunny } California" because it would in fact, be raining there according to } this theory. Since the travel brochures do, in fact, say "Come to } Sunny California" it must never rain there. Right, right. Let's move } on. } } THE PSEUDO-SCIENCE THEORY: } } This theory pretends to go into a lot of technical-sounding jargon } about the wind flow, and the barometer rating, and the jet stream, but } when analysed, usually boils down to hogwash or something as simple as } "It doesn't rain in Southern California because it doesn't." Which is } circular reasoning and therefore right out. Anything that sounds even } vaguely technical is wrong. OK? } } THE SMOG THEORY: } } Another complete washout as answers to this question goes. The smog } theory says that while it does rain in Souther California, the water } is trapped by the smog and never reaches the ground. This is plainly } silly, water is a liquid, and smog is a gas, and a gas can't hold up a } liquid, it's that simple. } } THE CORRECT ANSWER: } } And here it is, the answer you've been waiting for, and it comes in the } form of a story: } } Many moons ago, when the sky was dark and there was no sun yet } circling the Earth, the gods used the area now called Southern } California as a playground. And even though there was no sun, it was } still a bummer to play there when it was raining. So the gods, who had } control over everything decreed that it shall never rain in Southern } California. Being as there was no sun to distinguish between day and } night, they didn't have rules about when it was time to play, and when } it was time to sleep, and they also didn't have mommies to enforce the } rules, so from that day on, it has never rained in Southern California. } } There you go, hope you enjoyed it. --- 298-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who does it summon when I say > SATOR > AREPO > TENET > OPERA > ROTAS > > ("The creator, moving slowly, perceives his creations as vortices")? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nobody. Go on, say it as often as you like. Say it in pig-Latin-Latin } ("Ator-say arepoway enet-tay operaway otas-ray.") Say it whilst } standing on your head in a pentacle with black candles at the vertices. } Waste hours or days or weeks doing this sort of shit. Nobody is going } to be summoned. } } Unless your neighbors find out what you are doing. They will summon } the mental health authorities. } } You owe the Oracle...oh, heck, the Oracle owes you Its copy of Reginald } Scot's _The Discoverie of Witchcraft_, which has got to be the most } boring piece of dreck amongst books widely considered influential. --- 298-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, this is Jen again. I told you about Mandy borrowing my face > for a date and not giving it back, and she wanted to borrow my tits as > well, and you said I should let her so the parts will match. So anyway > I did that and Mandy said Well you might as well let me borrow some > more of you so I let her have my hair and my ears and my voice box and > my crotch and she gave me hers and so now I look and talk just like > Mandy used to except I'm taller and Mandy looks and talks like me > except she's shorter but I think when my Mom visits she'll think I'm > Mandy and Mandy is me. So Mandy says Jen you look real cute as me and > now I think I do too and I think my personality really goes better with > these looks so wise Oracle should we stay this way and let people think > I'm Mandy and Mandy is me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time } in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its } mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice. } "Who are _You_?" said the Caterpillar. } This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice } replied, rather shyly, "I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present - } at least I know who I _was_ when I got up this morning, but I } think I must have been changed several times since then." } } I might have been a bit more sparing with my advice if I had } known how far you were going to go with it. You're treading } on dangerous ground, now. Depending on how many parts you } exchange with Mandy, the question may no longer be 'Should } I let people think I'm Mandy?' but instead 'Am I Mandy?' More } and more every day scientists are discovering just how much } of the typical human's thought processes are distributed among } their various parts. It's long been bandied about that men } think too much with their dicks - with recent research, this } is now accepted as fact by leading experts. Personality is } especially tied up in appearance. Mandy may be trying to } exchange personalities with you. A dead giveaway would be } if she offered to exchange brains with you. On the other hand, } maybe you would like to have a personality more along the } lines of Mandy's. But seeing as how all this part-switching } stuff was her idea in the first place, I think that even if } you did end up with Mandy's personality, you wouldn't be } satisfied with it for long. Once you've figured out whether } or not you want to try to retain your old personality, you } should probably take the following test to determine whether } or not your personality has changed. You should answer twice } for each question - your present answer and how the old Jen } would have answered. } } 1. What's your favorite fish? } 2. Do you need to lose weight? } 3. What are you wearing? } 4. Would you sleep with the lead singer of Bon Jovi? Even though } he's married now? } 5. Do you really think the Oracle can help you solve your problems? } 6. How long do you plan to spend answering these questions? } 7. What odds do you give Evander Hollyfield against Mike Tyson? } } If you are comfortable with your answers to these questions, you are } comfortable with who you are and I salute you as a human of either } remarkable advancement or even more remarkable conceit. In the } meantime feel free to call yourself Mandy. } } But the important thing to keep in mind is: } Make sure you keep the tongue of the one who enjoys lentil soup the } most! --- 298-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are "Asskickers of the fantastic"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Asskickers of the Fantastic is the new band the Oracle is getting } together with God, Satan, and Zeus. Zeus is on bass, Satan plays the } keyboard, God's on drums, and the Oracle play guitar and is lead } singer. The first album, coming out soon, is titled "Polytheism in the } Paradise of Hell." AotF can be seen opening for New Kids on the Block } on their next tour. Something getting a lot of airplay right now on } Radio Mount Olympus is our first single, "You Stole My Heart, so I } Struck You Down With a Lightening Bolt" Right now we can be seen at } "Cafe Paradiso" (The same place John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Jimi } Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Keith Moon have formed their new band, "The } Coffin Five"). } } You owe the Oracle front row seats to BeatleMania and a backstage pass } to 2 Live Crew. --- 298-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty, omniscient, and omnipotent Oracle -- > > How do they get the toilet paper just right, so that it only tears when > you want it to?? This is central to my philosophy of life... I must > know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hope this doesn't make it into the Oracularities, or else } everyone in the entire Universe is going to call me up and ask me } what brand of toilet paper you use, as no one else's tears in the } right place. Everyone else's usually tears in the most inc|nvenient } fashion possible, so that the entire roll must be shredded to wipe } one's bottom, thus making it necessary to go and buy more toilet } paper. A kind of planned obsolescence, if you will. } Your brand, however, is imbued with small mind reading spirits } actually embossed into the paper, who pre-tear it for you at exactly } the right place. } You owe the Oracle some magazines to read while on the pot. --- 298-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise and puissant, please tell me: > > What can I do to get an A on my Archaeology final? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your signature says that you are a woman at Case Western Reserve. } Now, if this incarnation of the Oracle were not a gentleman, It would } make a vile suggestion that would cause any good woman to slap Its } face. } } And you used the word "puissant." And you spelled it properly. I'm in } love. Madly in love with you. Of course you're probably a man in } electronic drag, but at least you do a great impersonation of a woman. } } Oh, your final. Well, study very very hard. In the movie "The Eiger } Sanction" Our Hero is a professor who also does contract killings for } government agencies. A lovely young woman goes to him and says that } she will do anything for a good grade on the final. Our Hero tells her } that she should go to her dorm room, slip into something comfortable } and loose fitting, dim the lights a little, and...STUDY. } } Go thou and do likewise.