From kinzler Wed Mar 20 20:40:08 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 20 Mar 91 20:40:08 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #279 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 279 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #279 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 20 Mar 91 20:40:08 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 274 12 votes 02514 16410 63210 33600 14421 34230 45210 36300 13710 13440 274 2.5 mean 3.6 2.4 1.8 2.3 2.8 2.4 2.0 2.0 2.7 2.9 --- 279-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear O, > > A lady friend of mine just came up to me and said "A penny for > your thoughts." I told her what I was thinking, she slapped me and then > took off without giving me my penny. Should I take the law into my own > hands or should I take her to "The Oracle's Court?" I'm completely > pissed pissed about this "Penny for youthoughts" thing. It's a total > SCAM.. I DEMAND justice! > The Plaintiff BTW, > I do not have any receipts. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Plaintiff... he got jipped when a friend offered "a penny for your } thoughts." (that annoying typewriter clacking noise...) } } The Defendant... Claims she was only speaking metaphorically,and } wouldn't pay for lewd comments about ferrets even if she *was* serious } (same annoying clacking noise) } } "A penny for your ferrets?... Today on the Oracle's Court.( Judge } Oracle Wopner presiding)" } } *AHEM* will the defendant please approach the bench? Now, in your own } words, please describe what happened. } } Defendant: Well, Mr. Judge,sir, I went up to my friend and began a } conversation. A penny for your thoughts, I said. I didn't expect him } to take me seriously. But then he started talking about how he pictured } me and a few ferrets... } } ------------------------------------ } | Censored by ABC central, this | } | is a family net you know!!! | } |__________________________________| } } ... so naturally I slapped the pig and walked off in a huff. The next } thing I know, I get this call from Doug Llewellan telling me to show up } here. } } Judge O.: I see. thank you. Will the plaintiff please approach the } bench? Now, just what did you have in mind when you talked to the } defendant? } } Plaintiff: Well, like she said... } } -------------------------------------- } | Censored yet again, and this is | } | your final warning Judge O. One | } | more word about ferrets and we | } | will be forced to shut you down. | } |____________________________________| } } ... so then she walked off without giving me my penny. So I took her } to court. } } Judge O.: Waitaminute, you say that you've done *THAT* before?? } Would... would you happen to have any pictures of that by any chance?? } } Plaintiff: Uh, yeah sure. } } Judge O.: good. Come closer to the bench. (whispers) } Now,listen,Plaintiff, Normally I wouldn't be able to help you get this } penny. You see, I'm bound to uphold the laws and since you don't have a } receipt, I can't rule in your favor. But if you could get me some of } those pictures, I might be able to look the other way while my } stenographer "finds" you a receipt. Whaddaya say? } } Plaintiff: I'll get 'em to ya by the end of the day, Judge. } } Judge O.: Court is in recess until I make my decision. (turns to } stenographer) Edith, I'd like to talk to you for a moment... } } (ten minutes later) } } Judge O.: Well, Miss Smarty-Pants defendant, it seems you overlooked } one small detail. In the recess a court employee...*AHEM*... found } this receipt!!!! It clearly shows that you did in fact purchase the } Plaintiff's thought for the price of $0.01 . Now I suggest you pay up. } After all it's only a measly little penny. Court finds the defendant } guilty. } } Plaintiff: Thanks Judge Oracle... } } Judge O.: No problem,son. } } This concludes today's episode of... "The Oracle's Court" } } You owe the Oracle those pictures of the ferr... } } URGH!!! System crash. Core dumped. } } --------------------------------- } | Don't say we didn't warn you | } | "Not another word," I believe | } | we said... | } |_______________________________| --- 279-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, what is your first name? And while you're at it, what is > MacGyver's first name, and Colombo's first name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wisdom of the ages reveals many mysteries. The great Sysop bestowed } upon me the name Lawrence Livermore Oracle. It is revealed that } Macgyver's original first name is Maurice, and the good Lieutenant is } named Curlton. } } Verily, we are Moe, Larry, and Curly. --- 279-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to have sex with every female on earth. How can I accomplish > this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is sure glad you asked this question. It's been at least a } week since the *last* time some *ssh*l* asked it!! } } Anyway, before you undertake this task, keep in mind the following: } } 1. Less than 1% of the females on earth for which this is physically } possible are human. If you think your girlfriend gets pissed off } when she doesn't climax, wait until you make love to a gorilla!! } You're kinda weird, aren't you? } } 2. Of those females that are human, about 1/3 are under 18, and this is } generally frowned upon in Western Civilization. At 10 years per } statutory rape conviction, you could be in jail for a l-o-n-g time! } } 3. Of those females that are human and 18 or older, 10% are over 60. } Of course, if this sort of thing turns you on, you're really weird. } } 4. Of those females that are human and between 18 and 59, one is your } sister, another is your mother. You're even weirder than I thought. } } 5. Lastly, of those females that are human, between 18 and 59, and not } directly related to you, about 10% have some dread social disease } that would make you undesirable and possibly kill you. Weren't you } paying attention when they showed that film in 9th grade? } } Now, if all of the above doesn't deter you, then all you need to do is } fly to India, study with Swami Krisnamurti for 25 years and achieve } true enlightenment and group consciousness. } } You owe the Oracle 3 questions that have nothing to do about sex. --- 279-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Awesome Oracle of Unquestionable Omniscience and Permanent > Diplomatic Immunity from Look and Feel Lawsuits, please hear the > pitiful cries of a mortal seeking release from ignorance! > > Why are bubble soap and honey the only substances that come in > bear-shaped plastic containers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's in the Bears' contract, Part III, Sec H, subsec iix. para. d } clause 1, } } "Forthwith the bears, as a species, will not be subjected to } containerized representations except in the case of honey (the product } of honey bees), and bubble soap, because bears like to take bubble } baths. All other representations, characterizations, likenesses, } caracitures and replicas, when in the form of a container intended to } hold a substance, shall be explicitly and perpetually prohibited...." --- 279-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do they make Teflon stick to the pan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, well, this is an interesting question. Actually, they *don't* } get Teflon to stick to the pan. That is the beauty of it, you } see. You may have noticed that non-stick frying pans gradually } get less and less non-stick as time goes by. This is because the } Teflon is gradually wearing off and disappearing into your food. } Eventually the frying pan becomes totally non-stick, and shortly } afterwards self-destructs to destroy the evidence. } } You see, Teflon has interesting effects upon the human body. When } ingested, it slowly mutates the hapless victim into one of the } most feared beasts on this planet: yes, you're right, a (gasp) } BARGAIN HUNTER!! Anyone who ingests Teflon eventually becomes one } of these, and is doomed to a life of rummaging around in sock } bins, trying to find the cheapest pair. } } This is actually a scheme initiated by the Spancons from the } planet Velcro. The idea is that everyone will eventually turn } into bargain hunters and spend less and less money. The net } result of this will be the collapse of the global economy. They } will then invade and bombard us with cheap imported products } which the bargain hunters cannot resist, and reducing us to } quivering subservience. } } Of course, I am taking a grave risk in telling you this; if they } Spancons should find out, then I... [ SSSHHHHHZZZZZZPPPPAAAAMMM ] } } ( transmission ends in a burst of static ) } } Boy, do you owe the Oracle now, buddy. --- 279-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is OMD coming out with a new album or is the world just pulling my > chain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OMD is of course an opcode in the standard assembly language used } by MIDI interfaces and music synthesizers worldwide. I merely } looked up OMD in my MIDI/ASM manual, and it said: } } OMD - Omit Musical Delivery } PASS: a : fan support index } b : bucks galore } RETURNS: a : pointer to publicity } b : constant HOOPLA } FLAGS : CARRY bit set to 0 } } This command builds a lot of publicity (returning a pointer } to this publicity in the 'a' register) and a lot of hoopla on } systems supporting hoopla. The main thing it doesn't return } is an actual album. } } Of course, there must be some bugs in this command, as it has } in fact put out a few albums, and not really all that much } HOOPLA. Seeing as how these bugs result in such albums as } The Pacific Age (one of this Oracle's faves of all time), it's } a pity said bug isn't reproducable. And all too sporadic. Gee, } there's a whole lot of 'codes in this book I never really noticed } before. } } REM - Ruin Entirely by Mumbling } PASS: a : fan support index } b : yet more bucks } RETURN a : occasional album } FLAGS : OVERFLOW bit set to 1 } } This command takes some really great music and combines } it with vocals that are so poorly enunciated as to cause } many songs to be nearly indistinguishable (from one another). } } Gee, now here's a command that has some bearing on your question: } } FYC - Frustratingly Yank Chain } PASS: a : a whole bunch of motor scooters } b : mo' money mo'money mo'money } RETURN a : constant HOOPLA } b : about three good songs tops on two albums } FLAGS : ZERO bit set to 0 } } This command, mistankenly called Fine Young Chemicals by } some, though favored by many, generates a lot of HOOPLA } (accessible by means of MTV, SNL, and a variety of other } TLA commands) generating high expectations, which are then } dashed as albums are purchased and it's discovered just } how little good material is on the album. } } That explains a lot - I bought both their albums and was dissappointed } each time. If only I had known what the initials really stood for... } } I dare you to ask me whatever happened to Romeo Void --- 279-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who no doubt has influence with the law officials in Swain > Country, NC: > > Just yesterday, I got a speeding ticket. I was going 70 mph in a 55 mph > zone. Here's what I'd like your help with. I've never gotten a ticket > before in my life. Surely there's some way I can get out of this. My > driving record is clean as snow (the unpolluted type). What really gets > my goat is that I thought I was on the Interstate (big green signs > announcing exits and controled access and all). There are NO towns > (much less big towns) around, so I figured "speed limit 65," Right? > Well, I figured wrong. I didn't even get to enjoy feeling like I was > speeding. I'm willing to beg for mercy and even pay the fine, IF it > will just not go on my record and not increase my insurance (If my > mother and father don't find out, well that would be nice too). > > Thanx soooo much for taking your precious time to help a poor, innocent > grad student. > > P.S. There is not a defensive driving option to take. I asked. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since you're a graduate student, You might better understand your rather } limited options if I express them in C: } } if((you.cash > 10,000) || (daddy.job == lawyer) || } (daddy.job == judge) || (daddy.status == rich)) } { } you.self_esteem--; } hire_lawyer(); } exit(0); } } } else } { } if((you.home == Chicago) } if(bribe_judge() == 0)) } { } go_to_jail(525); } exit(0); } } } else } { } case_dismissed; } exit(0); } } } if((judge.sex != you.sex) || ((judge.sex == you.sex) && } (judge.orientation == "homo") && (you.orientation == "homo")) } switch (c = try_to_seduce_judge()) } { } case 1: } { } case_dismissed(); } exit(0); } } } case -1: } { } go_to_jail(730); } exit(0); } } } case 0: } { } you.self_esteem--; } break; } } } } } if(check_ticket_for_errors() == 1) } { } case_dismissed(); } exit(0); } } } else } { } if(cop_shows_up_in_court() == 0) } case_dismissed(); } else } { } if((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "mother****ing pig")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "nazi")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "fascist")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "Los Angeles police department"))) } { } go_to_jail(1363); } exit(0); } } } else if ((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "apologize")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "never do it again")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "very, very sorry")) || } (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "please, I beg of you"))) } case_dismissed(); } if(you.appearance == "bug-infested nerd") } { } case_settled(215); } you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450); } exit(0); } } } else if(you.appearance == "clean-cut grad student") } { } case_settled(125); } you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450); } exit(0); } } } else if(you.ethnic_type == "minority" } { } case_settled(2420); } you.insurance.cancelled(); } exit(0); } } } else } { } random_settlement(); } exit(0); } } } } } } } } } } You owe the Oracle two Solo radar detectors (his 'n' hers, one for } Lisa), two get-out-of-jail-free cards, and a good C++ compiler. --- 279-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle whose name i am not fit to capitalize > why oh why nust I do Data Orginisation and program in > evil modula that has things like ^.*left=:insanity??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INDEED, AND modula IS ALSO NOT FIT TO CAPITALISE. } } The evil modula must be banished from the the net, nay the world, nay } the universe. The ORACLE will help you on your great quest to destroy } this menace to our socity, with the following advice: } } Firstly avoid the one who calls himself 'Pascal', as he is the step } brother of the evil modula. He will lead you along the winding road to } insanity. } } On your way, do not be tripped by the C monster who lurks in the maze of } mallocs, ready to spring his cunning segmentation trap on the unwary. } } And then of course there is the dreaded BASIC robot. Do not be deceived } by the name, for it is 800 lines tall and will hide all of your Data } Organisation under a large heap of rotting GOTO's. } } And lastly, avoid the one who calls hereself LISP for she is a } priestess, who is) abl))e to )()thro)w )()(the dreade)(((d brack(((et } spel)ls at))ran(dom))))))))))aaarrrggggg))))))she has) found } me)))))))help!))))))))))) } } You owe the ORACLE a new set of adventuring boots and a bracket removal } spell. --- 279-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do woman know things that men don't know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question is simple. "The Film". Don't you } remember when, in the sixth grade, all of the girls in your class were } taken into a room to watch a film? Well, there were no boys in the room } were there? So, from the sixth grade on, women have always known things } that men don't know. "The Film" will surely remain one of the great } mysteries to man. --- 279-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the purpose of mucus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pleased to meet you. [Oracle extends right hand in greeting] } [Supplicant shakes Oracle's hand] } Mucus is simply a way of telling a person how much you REALLY like them. } [Supplicant notices slimy substance on hand } and runs away in sheer terror, wiping his hand on } anything and everything. Little does he know the } sticking power of Oracular snot!] } } See, you'll have a bit of me to remember me by for a long time to come. } } You owe the Oracle a years supply of Puffs.