From kinzler Sat Feb 23 15:27:00 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 23 Feb 91 15:27:00 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #270 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 270 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #270 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 23 Feb 91 15:27:00 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 265 15 votes 63231 45420 52512 25431 43602 12453 05631 24243 21543 12246 265 2.9 mean 2.3 2.3 2.5 2.7 2.5 3.5 3.0 3.1 3.3 3.8 --- 270-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to eat an artichoke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a truly complicated question, dear but silly mortal fan. You } probably do not realize the importance that the answer to your question } can have on the fate of humanity. For this answer, I must refer to my } diaries from the 12th Century. } } In a European monastery which has now been lost to the sands of time, a } devout group of holy men guarded a valuable library of rare books, which } I browsed through from time to time when looking for good recipes to } entertain special house guests. In this library I once found a lost } book of the Bible, which told of a test that God wished to perform on } his creation to test their faith and devotion. This test was known as } the Holy Artichoke Test. If mankind performed the ritual as described } by God, humanity would be saved from war, famine, and nasty Calculus } exams. No one has, to my knowledge, yet performed this ritual. I } believe that the profound meaning behind it can make it the most unusual } and enjoyable way to eat an artichoke. } } First, you must find a perfect artichoke: the largest, most perfect } artichoke you have ever seen. Inspect the artichoke carefully for } insects, and be sure it contains no foul pesticides. } } Bathe the artichoke in Holy Water from the largest church in your area, } or at the very least, scrub it with Perrier. } } Then you must strip yourself naked, and hike to the middle of the } nearest desert. Pray over your artichoke fervently for three days, } neither sleeping nor eating nor watching Geraldo, just praying. } } If God has heard your pleas, the artichoke shall be cooked by the end of } the third day. You may then eat the artichoke, as long as you do not } allow an impure thought to enter your mind. } } Finally, when you have finished the Holy Artichoke, you must sacrifice } yourself, for the sake of mankind, by hurling yourself from the top of a } honey-covered, red Ferrari Testarossa. It is VERY important that you } think only pure thoughts while doing this. Do not, under any } circumstances, think about your tax forms from 1987, the Republican } Party, or the concept behind Fresh Scent Clorox. } } You may need to repeat this last step several times before receiving a } "sign." The usual sign in this case is the sound of echoing thunder, } often sounding surprisingly like Ed McMahon laughing. } } Performing this ritual should guarantee you a highly satisfactory } artichoke-eating experience. } } You owe the Oracle a large jar of Cara Mia marinated artichoke hearts, } some honey in a bear-shaped squeeze bottle, and a Ferrari keychain. --- 270-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Years of graduate school have left me with an inexpressive face that > looks completely stoic and dull. I can't smile or frown or do much of > anything with it. It's going to keep me from a brilliant amateur acting > career. How can I make my face be expressive again, and not so wooden? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a happy coincidence that you should ask me this question at } this particular time, Friend Questioner, because The Oracle just happens } to have completed a new best-seller, "How To Make Your Face Less } Wooden". In it, I outline my 22-step plan to a happier, cleaner, and } rubberier face in just 30 days! I know I should make you buy the book, } but since you've undergone the tortures of graduate life, here's a } little excerpt from the book... } } "STEP 14: Remove the terrier from the cardboard box. Get } the syringe, and inject the goose with the insulin. Place } your left leg on the table next to the melon, and switch } on the battery, keeping your necklace from touching the } electric leads. Gently insert } } [MODERATOR INTERRUPT: THE SUBSEQUENT PASSAGES ARE DEEMED } EXCESSIVELY LEWD, AND NOT FOR FAMILY VIEWING. SORRY, GUYS, BUT THIS IS } A FAMILY NETWORK. AT YOUR SERVICE, AS ALWAYS...] --- 270-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1. why is it that the first time in 6 months that my room was empty of > visitors was the one time I felt it necessary to clean? > > 2. What should I say to the people whose belongings I may have thrown > away since I was angry and didn't get help cleaning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 1. why is it that the first time in 6 months that my room was empty of } > visitors was the one time I felt it necessary to clean? } } Why, simple physics, my son! Observe: } } As the number of people in the room approaches infinity, the ability of } one person to clean said room approaches zero. In addition, the } following intriguing anomalies are most likely to occur: } } At least one coat will disappear; in reality it travels to the same } dimension as all socks and keys that likewise disappear, although socks } and keys do not depend on the infinite-people principle to open a } dimension rift. } } The number of coats to disappear will be equalled by the number of pizza } delivery boys appearing bearing 1-4 pizzas that no one ordered, but any } number of people are willing to buy. } } Various poltergeistis phenomena such as music playing, fragile items } smashing, loud footsteps and heated voices approaching deafening levels } all may occur. At this point, after the Coat-Banishment, } Producing-Of-And Laying-Of-Hands-On-Pizza, and Poltergisity-Phenomena, } the room is thrust past the Party-Event Horizon, and collapses upon } itself, resulting in a Residential Black Hole. The number of hours } required to clean said Hole is directly proportional ten times the } number of people appearing, but must wait until they have left, in 3-5 } days. } } > 2. What should I say to the people whose belongings I may have thrown } > away since I was angry and didn't get help cleaning? } } 'And you owe me five bucks for the pizza.' } } You owe the Oracle a case of St. Pauli Girl. --- 270-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, in whose presence I try to be as obsequious and > fawning as possible, a co-drone of mine recently claimed he knew of a > sooth-sayer whose powers are greater than yours. I know you cannot > allow such blasphemey to go unpunished, so I was wondering if you would > tell me the exact date and time when you will strike him with lightning > so that I might gather a crowd, sell tickets (donating _most_ of the > money to the Oracular Party Trust Fund, of course), and gloat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'm afraid it's going to be a little more complicated than that, } and will require some arranging on your part. I hope you're as clever } as you are humble. } } You see, while bolts from the blue are both theatrical and effective, } they have been associated with several supernal entities over the } eons, and the identity of the offended party is often somewhat } ambiguous. The Oracle prefers to make its revenge, well, a little } more personal. Accordingly, the next time this vermin sits down at a } computer and types the word "oracle", he will be fried by a powerful } bolt from the monitor (never you mind how powerful, it'll be powerful } enough). You must come up with your own strategy for cashing in on } this. } } A couple thoughts: Any glare shield on the monitor will diffuse the } bolt; remove such items if you can. Also, the strike, while fatal in } any case, will nevertheless be more impressive if this rodent is } well-grounded, so attempt to seat him in a metal chair, on a metal } floor, or some such thing. By all means make sure he is not on an } anti-static floor mat. Lastly, my fame (and yours), as well as the } deterrent effect, will be maximized if this event occurs in some place } like a public computer lab, the only problem being that people are } likely to resent paying admission to a public place. A little } thought, however, should convince you that omniscient beings are } rarely hard up for cash, so this is more of a problem for you than me. } } Best of luck with your arrangements. } } You owe the oracle one smoking boot. --- 270-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderous Oracle, whose telephone is permanently off the > hook, please answer me this: > > I have, on my desk at work, a personal computer with more memory than > our mainframe had 15 years ago, and has more pure processing power than > the system which helped put man on the moon. Yet all I ever seem to do > with it is play games, an occassional spreadsheet, and (not very often) > do a little programming for a bunch of twits that think that SIMMS and > SIPS are a couple of quarterbacks for the NY Giants. > > Is it possible for me to, with the enormous computing power at my very > fingertips, put MYSELF on the moon??? I'd do just about anything to get > away from this dead-end place. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not now it isn't. But you might have been able to. Here's what you would } have had to do: } } Age 4: At bedtime, ask for a scary story. Hint at werewolves. } Keep at it until you get your werewolf story. Turn out } the light. Have horrible nightmares. } Age 6: Become a tag-along; hang out with someone at least two } years older than you in school. Preferably someone who } likes having you around to abuse. Arrange to have this } person around sometime at night. For instance: } If your friend is a strong-willed, mischevious } type, conspire to sneak out some evening to do } mischief. If your friend is the respectful, o- } bedient type, have your mother invite him over } for dinner; then, after dinner, go to play out } in the yard. } Do this when the moon is full. Mention that werevolves } come out when the moon is full; because your friend is } older and therefore wiser, ask why werewolves come out } during a full moon. Your friend, in a demonstration of } child sagacity, will tell you that any dope knows that } the moon's orbit is elliptical and that the moon looks } full when it is closest to the Earth; naturally, then, } since werewolves live on the moon, that is the perfect } time for them to cross down to Earth and prowl on kids } who ask dumb questions. Believe your friend's story. } Age 7: Ask the kid who sits next to you at school why the kid } with the big ears (who, unbeknownst to you, moved away } last week) isn't at school. Be told that he was caught } and devoured by werewolves on Saturday. Believe this. } Age 13: Sneak into an R-rated movie about werewolves. Stay for } the entire show, huddled in your seat and gripping the } arms of the chair painfully. Have vivid nightmares for } the next two weeks. } } At this point, werewolves should be your worst fear. If they are } not, your project has failed and you may as well give up. But, if you } have been successful thus far: } } Today: Using your personal computer, send mail to the Oracle. } Instead of asking a question, simply say to the Oracle } that your personal computer is so powerful that it ri- } vals the Oracle itself; and that you are thinking that } since you have all this unused power, you might set up } an Oracle service of your own, only yours will be bet- } ter because you will answer the questions yourself. Be } sure to make spelling and punctuation errors. Complete } the message with a variant smiley face (i.e. ">8-)" ). } Sit back and wait. } } When the Oracle receives your message, its divine mood will be } moved beyond simple irritation to omnimalevolence. It will, in standard } response to such a situation, unleash upon you the dark and treacherous } wish that your worst fears be realized; and, as the wish is will and the } will of an omnipotent being is reality, you will be immediately } transported to the moon, from whence you believe that all werewolves } come. Thus, your objective will be achieved. (It may interest you to } know that you will not die of asphyxiation; you will instead be caught } and devoured by werewolves, for the werewolves are part and parcel of } the Oracle's ill-wishing.) } However, as the Oracle of course knows that you secretly desire to } be on the moon, this scheme will not work now. You should have set your } goals straight at age four. } } You owe the Oracle the soundtrack to the Disney movie "Uncle Remus." --- 270-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DID THE WHOPPER BEAT THE BIG MAC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On a misty field at the edge of town, } Beneath dark and cloudy skies, } The Whopper stood, awaiting his foe, } With a determined look in his eyes. } } He held a sabre in his hand, } The pommel was slick with sweat, } And the slightest trembling of the blade } Betrayed the tension he felt. } } Behind him stood a silent form, } As like to the first as could be: } Another Whopper stood on the field } Where a duel to the death was to be. } } From out of the fog, two figures appeared: } Grim Big Macs strode forth on the field. } "You have challenged my honor!" one Big Mac exclaimed } "I will do you to death lest you yield!" } } "Me, challenged?" replied the Whopper, surprised, } "It was you who gave challenge to me!" } "I did not!" spat the Big Mac, "I wanted no duel; } But your letter demanded it be." } } The duelists stared one at the other, confused, } And each stepped back to question his friend. } Two swords flickered out and the duelists lay dead: } Their companions brought each to his end. } } My sad tale I'll end with a word to the wise, } A moral, and don't you forget it! } Whether Big Mac or Whopper you choose to consume, } Don't have seconds, or you will regret it. } } } You owe the Oracle a pastrami sandwich. --- 270-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am 19 years old. I am getting married on June 8, 1991. All my > friends are against it, but both our parents are thrilled. What do you > think I should do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally, the Oracle would reccomend the tried and true method of } eloping in the dark of night and telling a few selected friends. } Unfortunately the reversal of situation does not justify a reversal of } actions. If you have a grandiose wedding at high noon and don't tell } your friends, all of the guests will be people like your mom's friend } Sally, who wears too much makeup and continually talks about a } nefarious plot involving the CIA, the producers of the "Brady Bunch", } an obscure telephone company official, and Lee Harvey Oswald's former } grade-school girlfriend, Jane, in the Kennedy assasination. Also, } your uncle Bernie will show up. He will (as he has for the past 19 } years) pinch your cheeks painfully and tell you how much you've grown } since you last saw him. Not that these people wouldn't be there } anyways if you told your friends, but your friends would dilute their } effects somewhat. So, my omniscient recommendation : Wait a few more } years until your friends become happier with the idea. The wedding } will be so much more fun (have you ever watched a bunch of college } students used to dining hall food attack a wedding buffet? See what I } mean?) } } You owe the Oracle a way to stave off the impending collapse of the } Earth under the gravitational pressure of "Modern Bride" backissues. --- 270-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and Mighty Oracle to whom I would sacrafice all my CDs, > > WHY is it SO HELLISH getting our project report transferred & converted > from that silly word proc they used on their stooopid IBM clone to a > PLAIN ascii file that I can LaTeX-ify? Why did I agree to do it in ONE > NIGHT!?!??? > > Please tell me before I explode into a billion bits. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the key word here is HELLISH. Let me put you in touch with the } necessary consultants. } } > message satan@citadel.hell.com Hey Scratch! I think you have a } customer here. } } ** message from satan@citadel.hell.com at 15:34:07 IST ** } LOOKS LIKE IT, BUT I'M DAMNABLY BUSY RIGHT NOW, WHAT WITH IRAQ AND } DWIGHT GOODEN'S CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS AND ALL THAT. CAN YOU GIVE HIM } THE STANDARD PAPERWORK? I'LL OWE YOU ONE. THANX. } } Right. Here's the deal, friend: The project will get done in one } night. In fact, as a special deal, you'll be able to get ANY project } done in one night. Your computers will never crash, your disks will } never go bad, and your latex page breaks will always come out right on } the first try. All you have to do is sign this contract. You'll need a } pen...ur...can't find one. Maybe..OOPS. You've cut your finger! Well, } as long as you did, why not sign it that way? --- 270-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the perfect recipe for spaghetti bolognese? > I need the answer before I send the question, so please also work out > the spatial-mechanic-lightspeed equation for sending spaghetti > intergalactically across the nsfnet-relay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I use my dear mothers recipe, which dates clear back to 1988. She is } always finding new ways to use her culinary arts. With her permission, } I'll share her traditional secret ingredients and preparation } techniques: } } Ingredients: } } 1 20 ounce can of Franco American Uh Oh Spagetti O's } 1 1-pound package of Oscar Meyer Round Meat Patties } } Preparation: } } Open can. Pour contents into a twelve inch metal cake pan. } } Open (you can use your teeth, if you want to) the package of meat } patties. Lay bologna slices out atop the spagetti, making sure to } create a very pleasing to the eye pattern. (Mom likes to carve } funny face expressions in the bologna). } } Cover with aluminum foil, shiny side towards food (dull side out). } } Place in microwave and set timer for 45 minutes. } } Stand back. } } Ha! Ha! Just kidding! Place in oven for 20 minutes on Broil. } } Remove from oven, remove foil, and cover with 50 small } marshmallows, and top that off with SPAM gelitan. } } Serves two. I reccomend raisin toast as a side-dish, and root beer as } the beverage. } v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v } ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ } Now, let's get on with this 'spatial-mechanic-lightspeed equation for } sending spaghetti intergalactically across the nsfnet-relay' delima. } } Pay close attention, because I'm going to cover this formula once. } Quickly. } } Takethesquarerootofthetotalnumberofo'sintheaboverecipe,then,multiplyby } pi.Thatwillbetherandomseedneededtoencrypttherasterfilegeneratedwhenyou } scanaphotgraphoftheaboverecipe.Remembertocleantheglassonthescanner } afterwards,thesaucetendstogetreallytoughtoscrapeotherwise.Then,simply } usethelpr-Plightspeed. } } There you are! } } You owe the Oracle 3000 cans of Spagetti O's, 3000 packages of bolgna, } 1200 cases of A&W Root Beer, and a new recipe holder. Oh, and a new T1 } link to my home. --- 270-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohh great and manly/femmine (depending on the incarnation) > Oracle, what is that she thinks of me, this firm > blonde woman I love so dearly > ? Moreover, why can i get my finger to stop bleeding ever since i > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges? > It'll seem ok for a while, but then it starts bleeding again? Where > is Mister rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in maddona's > ne xt video? Why is it that Men like the curves on women? Why is the > sky blue? Why is the wall blue? Why is my terminal screen, ohh just a > second , got my sunglasses on. Anyway where is kermit the frog now, > after Jim henson died? I heard he got into a pretty bad crowd. Why is > it that there is dried blood on my keyboard? Why is the world spinning? > Why ask why? Try Bud Dry. My god, it's full of stars! What does Mc > Hammer call his personal organ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > What is that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so } > dearly ? } } I shall ask her subconscious... [hiatus] ...mm, I can see why you } feel the way you do, and from the little tingle I sensed within her when } I mentioned your name, I know she has strong desires. Of course, it may } simple have been the sound of my blessed voice that excited her. } } > Moreover, why can i get my finger to stop bleeding ever since i } > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges? } > It'll seem ok for a while, but then it starts bleeding again? } } Mandrines have very long, sharp teeth. Next time, make sure you } buy known brand products, and then the cans will more likely to have } been irradiated to kill the little blighters. To stop the bleeding, dip } your finger in the syrup from the can, and say the words `It's full of } stars'. } } > Where is Mister rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in } > maddona's next video? } } Kenny will no longer be appearing live in concert, he will } however, appear quite dead in a video clip with Maddona for her latest } hit "Once, Twice, Three times a Virgin". } } > Why is it that Men like the curves on women? } } The male facination with female curvature arises, basically, from } early childhood experiences with the curves and straights in toy train } sets. All young boys quickly learn that you need curves to make } anything that's worth putting your choo-choo near. Unfortunately, a few } souls discover a slight variation, realizing that you can't go round } with straights. } } > Why is the sky blue? } } All of the universe is made up of the primary colours Red, Blue } and Green in equal quantities (thus, the Sun produces white light, a } perfectly mixed combination of these colours). Unfortunately, when } earth was forming, most of the Blue component (which is lighter, and as } such rises) bubbled to the top of the atmosphere. This gives rise to } the unusual colouring on the earth: Green and Red living things. Man, } for example, is a Red creature. A grape is a green creature (although } red ones do exist). The only Blue creatures are a few birds and fish, } which worship Blue, and so try to make themselves Good in its light. A } similar occurence happens with humans, where many try to look white or } black, or some other colour, each believing their Colour to be greatest. } } > Why is the wall blue? } } Take off your sunglasses. } } > Why is my terminal screen, ohh just a second, } > got my sunglasses on. } } The Oracle is truly all-seeing. } } > Where is kermit the frog now, after Jim henson died? I heard he got } > into a pretty bad crowd. } } Kermit, the poor Green One (he was high in the Priesthood here), } was so distressed at Jim's death, that he left his world of good } friends, and turned to the Dark Toads to seek a reason for his loss. } Unfortunately, during the initiation ceremony, where frog stand in the } sun for 4 weeks to turn themselves all dry and warty, Kermit simply } crumbled to a mass of felt fibres with two little plastic eyes on top. } } > Why is it that there is dried blood on my keyboard? } } You are SUCH a slow reader! Put your finger in the syrup NOW, you } are losing bloody. } } > Why is the world spinning? Why ask why? } } HURRY! } } > Try Bud Dry. } } No! The syrup! } } > My god, it's full of stars! } } Okay, phew, now on with the questions... } } > What does Mc Hammer call his personal organ? } } It's just the thing he nails with. } } -- } You owe the Oracle a date with the blonde.