From kinzler Tue Nov 20 08:59:13 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 20 Nov 90 08:55:37 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #232 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 232 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #232 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 20 Nov 90 08:55:37 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 227 19 votes 41a22 52651 35434 08641 02b42 31951 21637 23842 03637 13375 227 3.2 mean 2.8 2.7 3.0 2.9 3.3 3.0 3.6 3.1 3.7 3.6 --- 232-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All my files go when I use move and misspell a directory name. They > just dissapear. Maybe they don't like me?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well files are very sensitive that way. It's bad enough that you want } them to move -- when you can't even be bothered to spell their } destination properly, that really hurts their feelings. Usually they } leave your directories altogether and go to /tmp/mom_s/house for a } while. The best thing to do is to relay a message through a mutual } friend, like the mail daemon, and tell your files you realise that } you've been an insensitive brute, and if they only come back you'll } always remember their creation dates, and try to edit them with only the } tenderest of word-processors. And next time, think before you act. If } you treat your files as if they're just your property, just inanimate } *things*, they'll leave you for good. --- 232-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is that noise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What noise? Oh, the noise that was but a moment ago just a faint } whirring, but has now built to a steady, ominous grinding noise? } The noise accompanied by screams, cries, and howls of terror? The } sound that just for a moment one might think is the sound of huge } metallic claws on concrete, grinding their way through the earth } to come and claim an unholy sacrifice? That noise? } } Don't worry about it. } } You owe the Oracle a good pair of headphones. --- 232-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I've got Rebecca's brain out of her skull, and I'm ready to > remove Lizzie's and put it into Rebecca's head. But I'm having qualms > about this. I really should have told Lizzie beforehand that I was > going to transplant her brain into the body of a girl of twenty. I > really should put Rebecca's brain into Lizzie's head, but it's going > to be enough trouble connecting Lizzie's into Rebecca's, and anyhow > I've made no provisions for keeping another brain alive. O Oracle, > what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle wonders, first of all, what the hell are you doing?? It is } well understood, or so we thought, that most females, especially the } ones in the twenty year old range, are most commonly found (not to } mention most functional) when they are sans brain. But you asked the } Oracle for assistance and assistance you shall receive. } } To the Oracle, it sounds like you could use some more time. You need to } keep Rebecca's brain alive, but not active. A time honored method for } doing this is to enroll it in a college Computer Science curriculum and } make it take Data Structures and/or Algorithms. That should keep it } SOUND asleep for the entire duration of the operation. At the same } time, start explaining compiler construction to Lizzie. Make sure you } spend 10 or 15 minutes on it to be certain she goes out as well. I know } it'll be painful for you, but trust me. Just as she's going out, slip } in a line like "Oh, by the way, I'm going to transplant your brain. If } that's OK, snore or groan softly." If everything is working correctly, } she'll go along with it. } } After making sure that both subjects have been prepared, the actual } transfer is trivial. See "Gray's Anatomy" for details, and remember to } use BrainGlu(tm) by Mindco Enterprises. "BrainGlu(tm) -- when you want } to make the idea stick!" } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Young Frankenstein" on VHS, and "Head } Games" by Foreigner on CD. --- 232-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and omniimpotent Oracle, why do people enjoy orgasms so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is so silly of you to attribute such a patently human condition as } impotence to me that I'm not even going to get mad at you. I mean, I } suppose I could reciprocate by applying computer terminology to you, } and asking which of your micro-organs (of which you must have many if } you really need an answer to this question) you used to come up with } the idea of asking me this. But I'm feeling mellow, so I'll just tell } you. } } In case you haven't noticed yet, most of life as a biological being } sucks. Now if you're an amoeba, whether to reproduce or not is not a } great issue for you. But as a human being, why should you bring } another poor soul into this chaotic mess? To avoid the extinction of } the species Mother Nature had to motivate you people to reproduce, and } her choices were, roughly speaking: } } 3) Imbalance your nervous systems so severly that the stimulation of } your kids playing drums at 2 a.m., wrecking your brand new car, and } dating the Creature from the Black Lagoon would prove irresistably } attractive to you. } } 2) Make childbirth so pleasurable for women that they would force men } into having sex, endure months of vomiting after eating pickles and } sawdust and varicose veins, just so that they could experience 12 } hours or so of what must be akin to MEGA-constipation. } } or, } } 1)Make having sex so muscle-twitching fun that your higher mental } functions become momentarily disconnected, and you make a baby before } you realize it. } } If you were Mother Nature, which would you do? I should also mention } that in using birth control devices, a lot of you people have been } getting all the fun without making the babies, all of which have been } getting piled into a queue, which is now nearly full. As of today, a } woman in a small third-world country is scheduled to have } 2-billion-tuplets on April 1st, 1994 to make up for the backlog. --- 232-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do so many Americans think that we Dutchmen all wear wooden shoes, > live in windmills and spend our childhoods plugging up holes in the > dikes with our fingers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah... finally, a fairly easy one to answer. You see, it is a rather } common and well-understood phenomenon among humans all around the world } to stereotype people from foreign lands from the few insignificant and } often totally erroneous clues given by the media (whether it be movies, } radio, TV, holodeck, memory alterative anomolies, etc). The Dutch are } always protrayed as wearing wooden shoes, Russian women are always seen } as being as ugly as Lenin (and comrad, was he EVER ugly!), and those in } the good ol' US of A either live in big mansions funded by several } large oil wells, screw their relatives and friends over big corporate } deals, and sleep with anything/anybody in sight, or live in New York } City, doing drugs and shooting prostitutes for fun. } } Of course, we all know that these things are simply not true... it is } a fact that only 56.2% of the Dutch wear wooden shoes, and less than } one-third actually live in windmills (the other two-thirds live in } large tulip orchards). As far as where you kept your fingers during } your childhood, I suggest this could also be considered stereotypical } of San Francisco, but that is another matter entirely. } } For the record, not all Russian women look like Lenin... a good portion } look like Stalin. Unfortunately, most stereotypes about Americans are } true. } } You owe the Oracle a cute Dutch girl and a new pair of wooden shoes. --- 232-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happened to that grade list I thought I had? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, good question. (Aren't you guys done yet?) The Oracle is very } deeply puzzled. (Her name's Suzie.) The Oracle will devote its enormous } computational resources to the problem. (No, you idiots, her _first_ } name's Suzie.) Just stand by, while the Oracle works on it. (The things } I do for that woman!) In the mean time, just wait here in the Oracular } Lobby. (If she wasn't such a good ... I mean so cute, I'd LET her fail } Math 32A.) No, of course that's not sweat on the Oracular forehead; what } a silly thought, ha, ha. (Aren't you fools done yet? Yes, when I said } change it to "A," I meant "A"!) Just pick up a copy of any old magazine } lying around, feel free; look, here's a back issue of _Scientific } Macedonian!_ (Good; you guys sure took long enough!) Ta, da! Here it } is! No, of course, those are erasure marks on the sheet ... that would } be wrong! } } You owe the Oracle your silence on this subject. --- 232-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one: > Is orgasm as important to females as it is to males? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Why do I get all of the jokers?) OK, time for a bit of field } research. In the cause of science, the Oracle and the buxom Oracular } assistant, Buffy, kidnapped 25 attractive male and female college } students, and through liberal application of Dr. Jang's Genuine Exotic } Aphrodisiac, engaged in sex with each. Sexual stimulation was } terminated just before orgasm. The results were as follows: } } Males Females } } Total cash offered: $2,332 $1,933 } Threats of violence: 3 12 } Offers of reciprocal } sexual favors: 22 9 } Offers of indeterminate } nature: 10 11 } } Applying the standard Weighted-Sexual-Begging Scale, we determine that } orgasm rates 22.2 on a scale of 1-25 with males, and 22.3 on a similar } scale with females. This is within the error of the sample population, } and thus we conclude that orgasm is equally important to each sex. } } You owe the Oracle the promise that you'll show your SO a good time } tonight. --- 232-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the faster you drive, the longer the traffic light stays > green? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As physicists have long observed, } A system's mass must be conserved. } The same holds true for energy: } It is conserved; it has to be. } A less-know law I now will tell: } Frustration is conserved as well. } This universal law holds true } In everything that mortals do. } A piece of toast with jelly, dropped, } Will always land with bread on top. } But if you catch it in its flight, } It's jelly up, at any height. } So if you speed to make a light, } It's green until you're out of sight. } But if you drive at legal speed, } It will turn red; it's guaranteed. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your next speeding ticket. --- 232-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will "I've fallen and I can't get up," be the catch phrase of the '90's. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well that's a good question. Do you mind if I answer you over a hot } cup of java? My old bones aren't what they used to be. I'll just go } down to the kitchen and be right ... whoah, Whoah, WHOAH, AAAAAAH! } *Disk Crash* } Jeepers, good thing I have my LifeCall pendant! (beep) ' HELP! I've } crashed and I can't reboot!' --- 232-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, master of the pidarazov, > tell me, > > If life were modeled as a system, would it be causal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm. This sounds like a great chance to try out the new } modelling package on GOD's personal computer. I'm pretty sure he } won't mind. } } ^Z } Stopped } orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % bg } [1] anwer-query & } orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % rlogin hyper-connection-machine.diety -l root } Password: } Login incorrect } login: root } Password: } } ******************************************************* } } Welcome to hyper-connection-machine.diety } } A cray 5000 running GOD/OS 5**1000 } } Unauthorized access will result in Complete and Utter Destruction } } ******************************************************* } You have new mail. } # /bin/csh } % # I just can't use sh... } % # Let's see what's going on in his mail... } % cd /usr/spool/mail } % ls } god } root } % cp god temp } % mail -f temp } >From worshipper@earth.planet Mon Nov 19 14:45 MST 1990 } Received: by hyper-connection-machine (345934.45/324234.5) } id AA01592; Mon, 19 Nov 90 14:45:00 -0700 } Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 14:45:00 -0700 } From: worshipper (Goody Goody) } Message-Id: <9011192145.AA01592@mymachine> } To: god@hyper-connection-machine.diety } Subject: That annoying oracle... } } The oracle has been acting up again. You might want to talk } to him about his answer to #Qa25738, Oh mighty one. } } ?d 1 } ?q } % # Uh oh. I warned that supplicant about the dangers of mixing } % # Gerbils and Emacs. It's not my fault. Besides, he wasn't using } % # that arm anyway. } % rm god } % ls } root } % cd ~god } % cat .forward } god@hyper-connection-machine.diety } % cat > !$ } cat > .forward } "| vacation god" } ^D } % # That should help a little... } % cd /usr/bin/simulators } % ls } models } real-things } % cd models } life } earth } death } universe } RCS } % life -help } life: Command not found. } % set path = (. $path) # I hate that. } % life } life> help } type "help " for more help. } life> help casual } Life can be modelled either as a formal or casual system. } The difference is mostly in whether or not the subject is wearing a } suit. } life> quit } % who } root ttyq0 Nov 19 13:35 } root console Nov 19 10:45 } % # Better get out of here... } % # But first a little fun... } % exit } % # kill -9 -1 } Connection closed. } orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % } Message from god@hyper-connection-machine on ttyp4 at 15:08 ... } DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL REPLACE YOU WITH A SIMULATOR!!!!!!! } EOF } } orcacle.wimpy-term.diety %fg } } What a grouch. Gee. Anyway, I guess it could be either } formal or casual. } ^D } EOT } Cc: } orcacle.wimpy-term.diety % } Message from god@hyper-connection-machine on ttyp4 at 15:09 } I FOUND WHAT YOU DID TO THE FORWARD FILE. I ALSO GOT SOME MAIL ABOUT } A QUESTION NUMBER 25738. PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN? } } Oh dear. You owe the oracle a good excuse.