From kinzler Thu Nov 15 22:29:43 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 15 Nov 90 22:20:38 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #228 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 228 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #228 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 15 Nov 90 22:20:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 223 18 votes 08523 25623 33462 55350 31833 17721 22563 14166 41346 07443 223 3.1 mean 3.0 2.9 3.1 2.4 3.1 2.7 3.3 3.7 3.4 3.2 --- 228-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several replies to your inquiry (?): } 1. Me me me! That's all you think about is yourself! Why don't you } look around you once! There's a lot more to the world than just you! } 2. We are gathered here today to mourn the death of yet another mortal. } Jim was a good questioner too, don't let anyone tell you different! In } fact, he was on his deathbed, when he had one last question of myself, } the Oracle. So his wife brought him his laptop and he very slowly, for } he was dying, typed in the words, 'mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.eduuuuu' } and pressed enter. 'Damn!' he said as he looked up and noticed his } mistake. Pressing CNTRL-z, he exited from his mail message to nowhere. } He then started retyping the Oracle's address, and, seeing that his } address was correct he slapped return. At the instant he pressed the } key to life, complete paralysis of his arms took his strength away and } he had to get Mrs. Schumblother to type, 'tell me,' in the subject } line. He then started to tell a story to lead to his last question and } could only get out the word, 'I,' before Broca's Syndrome took his } speech away. With his speech and arms totally gone, he lapsed into } death. Mrs. Schumblotter, that brave woman was stricken with grief and } a will to get Jim's last message to the Oracle. So, she went down to } her local rep from Jim's computer maker and had him press return and } send the mail message, for she was one of the many computer illiterates } in the world. Well, Jim got his last wish, and Mrs. Schumblother (she } keeps changing her name) moved in with a secret lover, and now gets sex } fourteen times a day in Tahitti Titti. Jim rotted down to his current } state of rottedness before an encyclopedia salesman smelled and found } him, eaten by worms and roaches. At any rate, you may never know what } Jim had on his mind. But, I will always remember his last request, 'I } know it's a little late Oracle, but is there sex in the afterlife?' I've } since contacted him godally with his response. Thank you all for } coming. Go home now. Drink a beer. } (Sobbing...wailing...crying....vomiting...) } } You owe the Oracle your autobiography and a good funeral joke. --- 228-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does this work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you reckless mortal, that red button, which I should add was quite } clearly marked "Please do NOT touch! Reserved for Oracle's Use!" does } actually work. Thanks to you, a massive earthquake has erupted in } California fully a WEEK TOO SOON! Do you have any idea, any concept of } how long I've been planning that quake, tracing the threads of time, } following the trends of the stock market, to calculate the precise } moment at which to release it? Centuries! Millenia! I was going to } make a killing on commodities alone! And then YOU come wandering along, } pushing every pretty little button you see, having NO regard for other } people's property, and ruin many lifetimes worth of planning! And the } market was just starting to peak, too! Well, there's nothing for it } now... it looks like I'm going to have to go with plan B- setting Rhode } Island adrift. And THIS time I'm keeping the switch under lock and key. } } You owe the Oracle a tectonic plate and 200 orange juice futures. --- 228-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT ORACLE OF DELHI. PLEASE LEND ME YOUR EAR AND ANSWER MY > QUESTION. WHY CAN I NOT FIND A JOB?????????????????????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OOOH DOOD! GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGIN! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH A JOB? } DO WHAT I DO, DOOD! LIVE WITH YOUR 'RENTS! MY DAD SAYS I SHOULD GET } A JOB TUE, BUT NO WAY! THAT WOULD CUT INTO THE TIME I CAN SPEND } RIDING THE WAVES! AND THERE WOULDN'T BE ENUFF TIME LEFT TO SPEND } READING ALL THE RAD BBOARDS ON YOUSE-NET! SO TRY THESE TRIX THAT } WORKED FOR ME DOOD: } 1) "JUST SAY NO" } 2) TELL YOUR DAD YOU WILL LOOK FOR A JOB TOMORROW } 3) FIND A JOB AS A LIFEGUARD AT A RAD BEACH } 4) BECUM A NET-NEWS ADMINISTRATOR (WE KNOW THEY DON'T DO ANY } REEL WORK ANYWAY) } 5) HIDE UNDER YOUR BED } } YOU OWE BIFF AND THE ORACLE A RIGHTEOUS BABE! --- 228-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the world simply an evil place like a bubbling > cauldron of apathy and dispair, infecting the very soul of > humanity and tainting it with black vile evilness for all > eternity---a miserable woeful day of chilling rain without > an umbrella or galoshes, but only a shirt and trousers made > of sponge-material to protect me from the elements? > > OR > > Is it just my vivid imagination? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Five snappy things you can do right away to feel less like Kafka and } more like your old smiling self .... } } 1. Ask her out for God sakes, enough with the wining. She will, after } an appropriate amount of time, allow you to have normal (tm) sex } with her, provided you wash regularly and use a condom. } } 2. Finish that stupid course on One Billion Ways to Asymptotically } improve an Algorithm, sheesh, what the hell do you think they } invented gobs of memory for anyways. Your image of a code writing } stud has put you at a severe emotional distance from the rest of the } planet. } } 3. Get out in real sunlight. That frog-belly tan yer sportin is not } doing you any good healthwise bucko. } } 4. Eat nontoxic food for an extended period of time. Cheetoes and Diet } Cola is fine as a snack, you however, are making a career move here } and your digestive tract has been trying to get your attention about } it for some time. Failing all the gas you've been experiencing, your } digestive system finally dropped a few chemicals its been saving, } and guess what, you feel a little down today. Start munching on some } fresh fruit and eat a steak now and then or you're headed towards an } extended period of buying and listening to Barry Manilow tapes. } } 5. Take up some other sport besides Tiny Mud (tm), give the Oracle a } collective break here pal. You need to develop something other than } your wrists, if you catch my drift. Parts of you are beginning to } sag and they are not supposed to do that till a couple of decades } from now. May I suggest 'Nude Twister' with your new girlfriend. } } You owe the Oracle a long happy life, (your's, stupid I'm immortal) --- 228-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > u.b. (univ. of buffalo) where men are men, > women are women > and the sheep are scared on the weekend. > > oh oracle! why are the sheep scared? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sheep are way too stupid to know when it's the weekend, and they really } have no notion of human sexual practices, so you can put that nasty } thought out of your mind right away. (Shame on you.) The reason they } get scared on weekends seems to have something to do with the primitive } mating rituals practiced by UB men and women, where the men put on } buffalo horns and the the women porcupine coats. What exactly the } rituals involve has never been determined -- we sent an anthropologist } to find out, but unlike the sheep, she certainly did have a notion of } human sexual practices, and what she saw turned even her trained } scientific mind to jelly. She is now resting comfortably in a very soft } room. } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of these weekend escapades. --- 228-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most distinguished, extremely versatile Oracle, whose immense > knowledge cannot be measured in Angstrom, and whose lawn mower could > easily bypass a pregnant Roseanne Barr, PLEASE help me. A fortnight > ago, a Mayan deity came to me in a dream, and shared with me the secrets > of eternal life. However, in exchange for this, he said, I would have > to fulfill a quest for him; a proposal which seemed fair enough at the > time. Now, yesterday as I was out walking the dog, a funny-looking bird > (actually an avatar, but I didn't realize that until later) approached > me and told me the time had come for me to project myself astrally onto > the 666th layer of Abyss and vanquish an evil demon named > Slecquoritorantiz. I was shocked, especially since I just then > remembered that I have an English paper due Friday. What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate when that happens. I have many fond memories of my days during } the 2nd continuum when the Oracle himself would let himself dream of } Mayan deities... but I regress. } } Many pretty good English papers have been written on the attempted } vanquishing of demons. Just watch your dangling participals and write } it in Hebrew. } } The Oracle does point out that he did use the phrase "attempted } vanquishing" because the evil demon Slecquoritorantiz is quite a } character, nothing like his kid brother Uoorolukeeton who gets his butt } kicked pretty much all the time. Old Slekky slaughtered the entire } Vornq dominion of the 666th layer quite accidentally one morning while } having breakfast. The eggs, which he *ALWAYS* orders over-medium, was } delivered over-easy, and as he tried to suck those puppies down, he also } happened to suck down the Vornq dominion along with 3 of the best golf } courses on the entire layer. Ooh that one's a mean one alright. } } To aid you in your quest, the Oracle will grant you the unbelievably } generous boon of an enchanted weapon: The Vibrating Sword of ZRON, } until now believed to be irretrievably lost in the Black Void of Soozie. } It's amazing the things you can find behind a sofa cushion. } } Oh yeah, and don't bother bringing a sweater. It's seasonally hot } there. } } You owe the Oracle the courtesy of returning his sword with a fresh set } of batteries. --- 228-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WhI'm depressed. What would make me feel better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All my wisdom and knowledge, and I'm asked how to have a good time? } If you had friends, you would have asked THEM this question, and they } would have told you what I must now waste my time to tell you. } } Get laid. } } Since the Oracle does not deal in flesh, I can only suggest an } alternative: } Here's a file that tells you how. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Do people think you're gullible? } Let us help you kick that annoying character flaw right outa } town. } Here's How to use the Usenet "NoMoGullible" Service. } } 1. Mail your Visa/MC number to gullible@oraclevax.apollo.delphi } 2. wait for a reply. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Damn. Wrong file. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Instructions for OracleDate } } 1. Mail oracle-date@oraclevax.apollo.la with your Visa/MC number. } You don't need to describe yourself since I'm the oracle and know } everything. } 2. You'll receive a letter with a special code number. } 3. Pick up the receiver of your telephone, and enter the special code } number. } 4. You will again be asked for your Visa/MC number. } 5. Be sure to ask specifically for "Cherry", "Boopsie", or "Dick". } (Depending on your persuasion). } 6. Repeat steps 1-5 as many times as it takes you to not be depressed. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } (Note: you may also wish to join the "NoMoGullible" service. You've been } had.) --- 228-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What in the world did you do to become the Great Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One does not "become" the Oracle (saying Great is redundant, although } appreciated). As a near-great mortal once said, Talent does what it can; } Genius does what it must; I do what I'm paid to do. } } Having said that, here are ten events that convinced the Oracle-to-be } that it was useless to resist the calling: } } 1) President Reagan repeatedly asked for my advice on how to increase } the deficit. } 2) Einstein asked if E=MC69 wouldn't be more cool as a formula. } 3) The Denver Broncos asked (too many times to count) how to throw a } Super Bowl without getting caught. } 4) The pilot of the Hindenberg asked what H2 + O2 makes. } 5) Rock Hudson asked where all the cute chicks were anymore. } 6) Dan Quayle asked what the neatest swellest job in the world was. } 7) Gorbachev asked if a little butterfly tattoo on his buttocks would be } the best way to visually differentiate himself from other world } leaders. } 8) Fran Tarkenton asked how to get his 30-minute commercials on the air. } 9) Frank Zappa asked if "Katie" and "Dave" would be good names for his } children. } 10) I asked myself a question and received a speedy and courteous reply. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you became such a pile of } donkey dung. --- 228-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is haggis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Inquisitive One: } } The original meaning of 'haggis' is a Scottish Dish made of the lining } of a sheep's stomach, filled with meat, vegetables, etc., and cooked. } Mmm mmm good. } } Of course, the Oracle senses that you wish to know some colloquialisms } that are not listed in the MegahugeOraclevax Encyclopedia Galactica } Fifth Edition. Well, here's one: } } HAGGIS: smart ass person who will ask a question to the Oracle, } although he/she already knows a case-specific answer. } } also, a crumpled mess that was previously a terminal before its user } repeatedly kicked in in frustration. ("My God, look at that poor } haggis. Damn, he must have had a tough C assignment.") } } You owe the Oracle some American junk food. --- 228-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Oracle, your wisdom I seek, > Don't throw away this question in a fit of pique: > What does a pelican keep inside its beak? > Please send me an answer in less than a week. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In olden times the pelican was thought } To feed its young by stabbing its own breast } And catch its very blood in its own beak } From whence it did convey it to its young } And so this bird became quite widely thought } Exemplary for charitable acts } A symbol of the charity of God } And of the sacrifice of His own blood } By Jesus Christ our Lord upon the cross. } } But actually the truth is rather dull } The pelican instead will overeat } And vomit food into its pouchy beak } And feed that to its young. The pouch can also } Aid the bird in catching smallish fish } which it scoops up as one might with a net. } } You oew the Oracle a crash course in writing blank verse.