From kinzler Sat Nov 10 08:59:09 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 10 Nov 90 08:39:16 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #223 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 223 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #223 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 10 Nov 90 08:39:16 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 218 23 votes 66650 26b40 48272 55a21 64742 32657 36a40 18950 b1731 04685 218 2.8 mean 2.4 2.7 2.8 2.5 2.7 3.5 2.7 2.8 2.2 3.6 --- 223-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you do when some clinically insane Netter insists on flaming > you in Email? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having given this serious thought, the Oracle has come up with three } distinct possiblities: } } 1) Flame the loser back, displaying your full wit, charm, intelligence } and perpiscacity. If the insane person in question is at all typical, } (s)he will reply with the classic stinger: "fuck you, asshole." } } 2) Write back a long, well-reasoned, intelligent letter detailing why } the person's argument falls apart in every standard used for rational } discourse. The recipient will undoubtedly savor every word of your } brilliant letter and reply with "fuck you, asshole." } } 3) Save the letter to /dev/null, pat yourself on the back for being } such a clever little net.weenie, and drink a congratulatory beer. } } You owe The Oracle a six pack of Rolling Rock. --- 223-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do fortunes from fortune cookies always seem to make more > sense if the phrase "in bed" is added to the end? > > signed, > Dong Tu Long And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are getting very, very sleepy. } Your eyes are getting very very heavy. } On second thought, you are going to keep your eyes } open, just enough so that you can read this message. } Waves of comfort are surronding you, like a warm, soft bubble bath. } You will not moan "Calgon, take me away," for that might be embarrasing } enough to wake you up. } You will believe everything I say. } You want to go to bed. } Nothing makes sense unless it is done in bed. } Everything is fine in bed. } You will shave your pubic hair, as a sign of devotion to the oracle. } You will obey the oracle in all things. } Rhubarb is a plant. } The next time you eat a fortune cookie, you will have an overwhelming } urge to get into a bed with it. } Fortune cookies are sexy. } You will give the oracle your solemn vow to keep this a secret. } When you are finished reading this message, you will delete all the } evidence. } You will buy chinese food, find it extremely attractive, and go to bed } with it. } You are an eggroll. } } Dear Dong: } I haven't the slightest idea where you get these kinky notions } about fortune cookies. If you aren't careful, you will next be } believing that you are an eggroll. } I suggest you be careful in the future. --- 223-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My roommate and I got into a terrible argument and > we were forced to divide our room in half. > > Fortunately, I got the bottom. > > He keeps throwing stuff on my half, and it does no > good for me to throw it back at him. What should > I do? I've considered helium balloons, but where do > I get the helium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm.... you have an odd situation, indeed! It appears that both you } and your roommate need to take a course in quantum physics desperately. } } You were foolish to get the lower half of the room... because by } Bubba's uncertainty principle, you will fail out of college, and life } due to this one simple fact. } } Think about, silly rabbit. All you must do is build a loft-type device } that covers the entire room. You will have blocked the only exit from } the room (the door, that is) and thus will force your roommate to jump } for his life and perish in that horrid 8-foot drop. This, of course, } assumes that your dorm room has a 4-foot-high door. } } You owe the oracle 26 sets of hinges for ceiling doors. --- 223-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens when a military superpower with the ability to destroy > half the globe is governed by a political anarchy with the inability > to provide food for the mobs of starving raving people throughout the > cold winter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is just one of those "gee, what if, no one that we know" kinda } questions, right? Right. Good. } } Presumably, at some point, said Global Superpower will notice that } having mobs of starving raving people, winter, summer, or otherwise, } ruins the view and causes new elections and stuff like that, so } will decide to Deal With The Problem. } } Now, as part of the statement of problem, the Superpower has ability to } destroy half the globe, presumably with nuclear weapons (the Oracle has } a difficult time imaging a Superpower destroying half the globe merely } with raving people, or even a very, very cold winter). The question } then becomes who the nuclear weapons are to be used on. This is } a tricky one, because the options are: } } 1. Use them on the starving raving people, which solves the food supply } problem but is hell on property values, or } } 2. Use them on the other Global Superpowers that have food, the } problem being that the other Global Superpowers tend to also have } nuclear weapons, and they store both grain and missiles in silos, } and you need to be VERY VERY sure that you get the right kind. } This can be difficult if you don't speak the language very well. } } In either event, the result is either complete collapse of the country } under question, or a global thermonuclear war, followed by the complete } collapse of the county in question. Good thing it can't happen here. } } You owe the Oracle a fall-out shelter, preferrably stocked with Dove } Bars. --- 223-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If there are 52 weeks in a year, and 7 days in a week, why are there 365 > days in a year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Originally, a year had 12 months with 30 days in each, 12 x 30 = 360, } as invented by the Babylonians. Very convenient, no counting on your } knuckles, and the calendars with scantily-clad incarnations of the } fertility goddess (named Minimumbra) were easy to manufacture. However, } as the Babylonians grew up to Adolescentlonians, they found out that } with shorter months they could have more variety in those delightful } illustrations. After a brief period with 72 5-day months, a system } which collapsed as no-one could tell one month from another, and also } because thier Time Managers got very confusing, they went back to } 12 x 30. This system prevailed for quite a while, until people began to } notice how Christmas was occuring surprisingly close to Midsummer. } About this time, Christianity procalimed that "As the Lord created } Heaven and Earth on six days, and rested on the seventh, so shalt thou } work thy bum off for six consecutive days, and on the evening of the } sixth day shalt thou drink thy wine in excess, carouse and frolic } with thy neighbor's servant maids, whereas on the morning of the seventh } day shalt thou have in thy head tremendous pain and repent thy sins of } the previous night, go and confess at our Holy Church, pay a fair } deal of thy humble income to the very same Church, and on the next } day shalt thou again work on the fields, and so on and so on until } thou snuffeth it." This had raised the concept of THE WEEK. And as } the year obviously had to have a few days added to it, why not match } it with this new invention. Abacii were brought forth, and after a few } days of calculating it was decided to make a year 52 x 7 = 364 days } long. A guy named Greg benevolently added four days to the almanac: } Otter-Flinging Eve, Greg's Birthday Part II, Thirty-Fourth of Octember } and The Great Hang-Over Recovery Day. All was well for a couple of } years, but then some astronomy buff claimed that the sun circles the } earth every 365.23 days, and that's what a year REALLY should be. } So, another 1.23 days were added at the beginning of the year and named } Zeroeth of January (Reserve Day) and Quarterday Extramorning. } The latter, however, was removed due to severe cases of time-lag, } bunched up and slung in every fourth year or so. } } You owe the Oracle the 1991 Gary Larson Calendar. --- 223-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that I can't find a date.....ever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, lose those pimples next to "date"; pimples really gross } out the Oracle. Also, make sure you wash behind that question mark } before you go to bed; we can smell it from here. } Obviously, you are intelligent enough to deserve a date of your own } calibre. Lesser beings ask this question in alt.romance and alt.sex, } places where the Oracle *never* needs to go. Besides, we have been } watching you in the snack shop, and you have no talent for the } suggestions they gave you last month. Go back to the Senor Wences } impression, but get a beter pen for drawing on your hand. That way, it } won't smear on your privates later in the night. } } If you think about it from a global view, you will realize why you } can't get a date, ever: the Oracle has them all. Why should a girl } wait around for you to get up the courage to read her phone number out } of her notebook, when the world's perfect computer nerd, /etc/bin/moi, } can give her all the cycles she could ask for. The Oracle can show her } the world (except for Australia, which has cut the Oracles news feed. } We are not amused. By the way, all in-city phone calls for Melbourne } are inexplicably getting rerouted to the bad neighborhoods of Tunis). } The Oracle can stay up all night swapping bytes, push and pop at any } speed up to 66 Mhz, and blow her files right into the next domain. We } can do this for up to 2**32 deserving women in parallel with distributed } servers and still maintain full system integrity. We are easy to } understand, and have on-line help documentation for any communication } problems. } } This is the 90's, and you will have to face two realities: at the } end of your four years, there will be no job for you that will cover gas } money and property taxes; and there are no decent women left for you. } Lower your standards. } } You owe the oracle a centerfold of Rosanna Arquette in GIF format. --- 223-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happened to Gilligan's Island? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little known fact that Gilligan's Island has had a long and } illustrious history since the seven castaways departed in the sixties. } } in 1973, Irwin Allen sold the property to Aaron Spelling, in return for } future rights to Cheryl Ladd and portions of Farah Fawcett's anatomy } that remain undisclosed to this day. Spelling hired the Club Med } developers to overhaul the island, and reopened it as Fantasy Island. } After Mr. Rourke closed the island due to the increasing risk of STDs } (greatly as a result of the bizarre nature of some of the fantasies, } especially the ones with Tattoo and Rich Corinthian leather), the } buildings were sold to Donald Trump for his never-completed "Trump } Island" project, canceled due to funding problems during his shoot-out } with Merv Griffen. } } The castaways returned to the island during this period, where they } spent several years until they were again rescued in 1989. Since then, } it has served as a stop-off point for Asian drug smugglers, although it } is rumored that it will soon be used for a Chinese nuclear test. } } As to the castaways: } } Gilligan is now running for Senator from Hawaii on the Republican } ticket. His slogan is "Vote for me, I'm even dumber than Dan Quayle" } } The Skipper is working for Exxon as Director of Tanker operations. His } last major achievement was telling the Valdez to "just hang a right". } } The Howells lost it all during the market crash. They can now be found } trying to bum bottles of imported champagne outside Yale home games. } } The Professor is working for Los Alamos National Labs on strategic } applications of uranium-enriched coconut shells. } } Mary Ann decided to take advantage of her wholesome image, and enrolled } in the Sally Fields School of clean-cut parts. } } Ginger Grant has formed a new actresses' organization with Bo Derek and } Pia Zadora: BOOBS (Blonds Organized to Oversee Blatant Sexism). Their } slogan: "We're blonds. We don't act. We don't have to." } } You owe the oracle some french-fried couch potatoes. --- 223-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great an omnipotent Oracle, capable of solving even NP-complete > problems in constant time, answer me this: > > You know when you're watching the news on TV, and you see the cables > going into the anchorperson's ear? What does that do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It keeps the anchorperson inflated to the proper pressure and saves } the Networks the embarrasment of showing a crinkled newsballoon. Except } for Dan Rather. He's a self-inflating model, and needs the cable to } drain off his excess hot air. --- 223-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > do Russians celebrate thanksgiving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And here we are, coming at you LIVE from the streets of Moscow, in the } yoo ess ess aargh, to answer the age-old question, "Do Russians } celebrate Thanksgiving?" } } "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "What's Thanksgiving?" } "I see." } } "How about you, Madam? Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "Well, if there was any food in the shops to be thankful for, I might } consider it. But Mista Gorbachev's Perestroikering is not putting the } food into the mouths of my thirty-seven children, so what is there to } give thanks to?" } "Thank you, Madam, for your time." } } "How about you, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "What's with the camera and sound equipment? Are you a KGB agent?" } "No, Sir, I am not." } "In that case, I celebrate Thanksgiving: I give thanks to my lucky stars } that you are not the KGB." } "Thank you, Sir, for your time." } } "Excuse me, Sir. Sir? SIR?!" } } "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "Why, of course I do!" } "And why do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "Because I live in Boston. I'm on vacation in Russia." } "I see. Thank you for speaking with us." } "Could I just say 'Hi' to my Aunt Hilda in New Jersey?" } "Yes, sure." } "Hi there, Aunt Hilda. Look, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the money to } buy that turkey, but I sort of ---" } } "Excuse me, Madam. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "Who are you, to go around with a camera asking strange questions to } strangers? Go away, before I get angry." } "But...." } "Go away!" } "I see." } } "Excuse me, Sir. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?" } "What, that American holiday that falls on a Thursday in November, that } is celebrated by pigging out on turkey and lots of other foods, that } celebrates the landing of the Pilgrims?" } "Yes, Sir." } "Well, I ain't heard of it." } "Thank you, Sir." } } "Psst." } "Who, me?" } "Yes." } "What do you want?" } "Who was that gentleman who spoke to you just now?" } "I don't know. Just a passerby." } "We believe he's an enemy agent. I'm from the KGB, and we're } confiscating your film." } "Oh no, you're not." } "Yes, we ---" } } "I'm sorry about the blood. I hope you can clean it off when you get } the equipment home. Oh, you can't? Really? Oh, well. Anyway, this } is the Oracle Outdoor Broadcast Unit, coming at you LIVE from Moscow, } signing off." } } And thank you, from Dan Oracle in Moscow. Do Russians celebrate } Thanksgiving? Well, the results of the poll suggest that they probably } don't, seeing it's an American holiday. Anyway, we'll be right back } after this word from our sponsor.... } } You owe the Oracle a turkey, and a book about the Pilgrims. --- 223-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, most omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnimagazine > Oracle: > > If I go to Heaven when I die, will I be able to get > Usenet access? What about Purgatory? Is it true that > in Hell you can only get an account on an IBM System 360? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As with all mere mortals, you have no concept of the true nature } of the afterlife. You operate under false assumptions. } } Heaven, Hell and Purgatory are not places you "go" when you die. } It's more like a LAN (to put it into terms that your mind may } at least feebly understand; the reality is much more complex). } In your mortal life you must strive to convince the sysadmins } of the afterlife to grant you execute access, later read access, } still later write permission, and finally limited root privileges. } This is accomplished through the various activities in your life, } and apply to the multitude of systems on the LAN. Putting on your } deodorant, a minor sacrament for instance, gets you a login on an } additional system. Brown-nosing your boss, a major sacrament, might earn } you write access to the Hack save file directory on a small system. } Perhaps you now have a glimpse of why your daily life seems so boring } and repetitious. } } In a sense you stumbled onto a cosmic truth in your question; but } the point is not that you only get accounts on a 360 in Hell. Rather, } Hell IS an IBM 360 (with plans to upgrade soon to an 8086-based } windowing system, once funding is in place), whose sysadmin is known } as BIFF. Purgatory corresponds in very vague mortal terms to a device } hooked only to /dev/null, with a sysadmin named Minas. Heaven is } naturally a CRAY Z-MP (we get prereleases of EVERYthing here), and } only modesty prevents me from revealing the identity of its sysadmin. } } It has never been the intention of the Powers Who Be that Heaven } should remain at the top of the heap. Several prototype systems } are in the works. I know of an AI-based system named Cate0, and } a massive-parallel one named Cantorset_Cube, but both have a } significant number of bugs and aren't expected to be in full } production mode for a millenium or two. So for the time being, Heaven } remains the place to be, although there are plenty of nice client } systems that share fileservers with Heaven so that it's not necessary } to be logged in there all the time. } } As to USENET, again your question borders on the irrelevant, not to } mention irreverent and iridescent. USENET is available throughout the } After-LAN. It's just that the Hell system is always so short of disk } space (there being so many more users there than anywhere else) that } your .newsrc file gets trashed every second time you access the news } reader. So, I recommend you keep your write-access on the Heaven system } up to date, so that this doesn't happen to you. } } You owe the Oracle an account on your system.