From kinzler Thu Oct 25 12:48:43 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 25 Oct 90 12:41:47 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #210 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 210 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #210 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 25 Oct 90 12:41:47 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 205 14 votes 1A210 32720 13451 13541 03173 02480 34520 12650 04361 10274 205 3.1 mean 2.2 2.6 3.1 3.1 3.7 3.4 2.4 3.1 3.3 3.9 --- 210-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle! How did you come by the root password for > the computer in heaven? I am curious for "professional" reasons. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! I knew that security would backtrack even a claim by me. Well, if } you must know... } } When I interviewed with Gabriel for thta saint job I saw the list of } passwords taped to his desk drawer. The list included the root password } for "gatekeeper" and "master-db". } } Several other hosts were mentioned on the list that I'm sure Gabriel } shouldn't have access to. I use these hosts and passwords to make sure } I have good connections in hell too. I don't know what such a holy } person is doing with the root passwords to "lava-valve-7" and } "satans-mac". } } Do what you like. I just changed the root password for your brain... } just try to retain control of your life! } } You owe the oracle the root passwords to three machines. --- 210-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I threw this into the fifth-dimensional chaos matrix and it came back } with the customary Zen-like answer of "Mu", but I suppose you've heard } that before. } } Taking the inverse of the aforementioned chaos matrix (using a pair of } mirrors) gave me "uW", or one microwatt. } } The reasoning is simple. "u" is the greek letter "mu", which rather } makes sense (see the traditional answer). And "WATT? Dey asked me da } null question again?" was my initial response before grinding out the } customary solution. } } The only complaint you could possibly have is that you can't take the } inverse of a zero matrix in the first place. The problem is that while } transforming your null question into matrix form, I used up my last } zero, and all I had lying around were some unbroken bars from an I Ching } hexagram I threw at a party last weekend. Sorry for the inconvenience. --- 210-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is my life recursive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } your life could be recursive only if } } } STACK OVERFLOW --- 210-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes I think that I'm the self of a slug trapped in the body of a > human being. Am I really? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many people throughout history have felt they were slugs, including } Napoleon, St. Francis of Assisi, Wilt Chamberlain, and David Bowie. } However, you may notice that all of these people managed to lead normal, } productive, happy lives, and there is no reason you cannot either. } } As to if you really are a slug deep down inside, ask yourself these } following questions: } } o Do you run away when someone is using a salt shaker? } o Do you feel the urge to leave a trail of slime behind you when } you walk? } o Do you wish your eyes were on stalks? } o Do you think it is a complement when someone calls you cold and } clammy? } } If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you probably are } a slug deep down inside, a result of a freak mishap of nature when God } lets one of the minor Angels who really haven't learned the reins of } Creation fully have a crack at creating slugs and people. You see, part } of the problem is that slugs and humans are made on the same celestial } assembly line, so it's really easy to mess up, especially if you haven't } done it very often. } } So, just switch to a low sodium diet, and try and join a slug support } group near you. --- 210-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, ye of wisdom, honour, and all that jazz, forsooth and forseeth > to something or other, reply to this inevitable question. If a man, > covered with honey, were to roll in an anthill, is it further to San > Diego or by bus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh! Gibberish! The Oracle loves gibberish! The Oracle will reply in } gibberish, too! } } Here y'go: } No, because Cleanth Brooks stuck his mistress up his left nostril, } and besides you've gotten the Oracle pregnant with his first child of a } lesser goddam pinko communist atheist mangel-wurzel. --- 210-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think she'll make a better curry than she does a girlfriend? > The meat is supposed to taste like mutton. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you are even thinking about asking this question, then she is no } good as a girlfriend and it is time to think about protein content. } Use a slow, moist (sort of sounds like what you do with a girlfiend, } doesn't it?) cooking method, use a lot of tenderizers, and serve } with mint jelly. } } In brief, the answer to your question is, "Yes." --- 210-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose intelligence is quite unintelligible, > > Recently I was signing the contract for a reception I was holding > in a large banquet hall. I noticed however, that one of the words > in fine print was that the managers of the hall would not be held > reponsible in the event of flood, hurricane, tornado, earthquake, > or WAR!! Can you believe it? The United States, making some sort > of police-action-war-thingo in Saudi Arabia and probably dozens > of other places, could easily upset my entire ladies' function!! > > What shall I do if war does break out and they threaten to cancel?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you're really stuck with it if the management decides to cancel. } Next time, be more careful what you sign. At this point, you really } have only two courses of action: } } 1) Explain to them that you're no more responsible for what happens in a } event of war than they are. All *kinds* of things happen in wars, } especially to people with bad attitudes. It'd be a shame if their } banquet hall were hit by a shell, or blown up by some kind of swarthy } foreign terrorist. You think that'd be a shame, and so does Vito, } here... } } 2) Take the high road. No goddamn war is going to ruin your party, but } the party just might ruin their war. Rent a troop carrier, and outfit } your guests appropriately (look in any good book of etiquette for } details). Set out for the theater of operations. Let's see how these } testosterone-crazed neanderthals handle a few open-faced sandwiches } down their howitzers. Remember, you have a holy mission. The Oracle } has spoken. --- 210-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can computers think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it is unfortunate that along with Artificial Intelligence came } Artificial Sincerity. They say nice things about you when you're around } but don't really mean it. They PROMISE to backup their files but they } never do and every numerical analysis you get from them is rounded to } the point of being totally apocryphal. } } In short, now that the little weasels can think, they believe their } true calling in life is to make you look stupid. So far, I might add } they are doing a swimming job of it. } } You owe the oracle a complete NP-complete graph. --- 210-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Ed Ravin) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does pancake syrup taste better when it is put through an eleventh-order > Butterworth filter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually the Butterworth process does a variety of things to make Mrs. } Butterworth's taste better. The filtering process itself does not. } The filtering process makes sure that mouse crap, rodent hairs, and } cockroach parts are included in the final product. } } Now the leavening process, that makes it taste better. } } You owe the oracle a BIG stack of blueberry pancakes, no roaches. --- 210-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim Cheetham The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a good source for electronic cashews? What about > remote-controlled filberts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Electronic cash-ewes are, as we all know, the correct term for } those bovine-looking ladies in the cinema ticket booths, who have } recently been equipped with hi-tech electronic cash registers that } (supposedly) do all the work for them. You know, the sort of lady } you tell "two for Wild Orchid, please", and she pushes a button on } her new ultra-tech cash register, which goes "eep" and does nothing } more, and she says "Ooh, it went 'eep'! What on earth shall I do?, } you see, I'm not really used to this electric stuff..." all while } the line builds up behind you... That is an electronic cash-ewe, and } the place to find them is, of course, in newly-spiffed-up cinemas. } And for your other question: The term "remote controlled Filbert" } refers to a French knight named Filbert, who once tried to get back } into a castle from which he had been thrown out by dressing up like } a denizen of the woods and claiming to be a troll, thus the phrase } "re-moat con-troll". } } You owe the Oracle eighteen new ways to spell "formaldehyde".