From kinzler Thu Oct 18 14:44:59 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 18 Oct 90 14:33:11 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #207 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 207 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #207 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 18 Oct 90 14:33:11 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 202 8 votes 20132 00422 14120 60011 02411 00035 01412 04022 12005 05300 202 3.2 mean 3.4 3.8 2.5 1.9 3.1 4.6 3.5 3.3 3.8 2.4 --- 207-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican Choir, played it > backwards, and discovered "Satan's snot soldiers sing sweetly" right > in the middle when they're singing "Bring me my chariot of desire". > What larger ramifications does this have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long, long ago, the ancients set forth the rules and regulations that } would govern the land: man would be sovereign, trees would bear } fruit, women would laugh about the men, etc. All these things were } made to be, and they saw that it was good. } } However, Lazariticus, one of the ancients, saw a flaw in the network } they had created. "Fellow Ancients," he said, "we have a flaw." And } indeed, they did. } } For you see, if one took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican } Choir and played it backwards, the message "Satan's snot soldiers sing } sweetly" would come through like a beacon, and the faith of humanity } in gooldy things would certainly smolder and die. } } Well, the ancients were convinced that no-one would be desperate } enough for something to do that they would play this song backwards. } "Besides," said one of the elders, "that song won't be written for } quite some time, and who would possibly think to play it backwards..." } } } } You blew it. } } } } You owe the Oracle an apology. --- 207-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My best friend is a social worker. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know how you feel. At one time my best friend was a KGB mime, and for } a while I was all buddy-buddy with a toxic waste taste-tester. You've } just got to raise your standards, that's all. Progress gradually --give } the social worker the brush-off, and start hanging out with real estate } agents, then drunken opossums, and so on. You'll be rubbing elbows with } the beautiful people in no time. } } You owe the Oracle the girdle of a Gabor sister. --- 207-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the oracle know the answers to all the questions in > Jeopardy? > > And if so does it prove anything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dum Dum } dum dum dum dum, } dum, } } } *doop* } Dum Dum ee- } dum dum doop- } ee- } doop- } ee- } } *DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING!!!! } } Well, you're looking kind of doubtful Mary, let's see what you put down } -- "What is Brazilia", no, I'm sorry that's the wrong answer. Of course } you had no winnings this game, so you bet ... zero. } } You seem rather hopeful John, although you didn't score either, but... } "Who are the Andrews sisters", no, I'm sorry John. That's not correct. } } And the Usenet Oracle is inscrutable as usual, and your answer is ... } "What is the question: What is the most blatantly rhetorical question } ever asked on `Jeopardy' ?" And that, of course, is correct, which } brings your winnings to far more than we can pay. Therefore, as per a } pre-arranged agreement between the Oracle and Sajack Enterprises, from } now on this show will be called "Celebrity Jello Jump" ... --- 207-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've got rhythm, I've got music, > I've got my gal, who could ask for anything more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buy an umbrella. } Definitely. } } Look, We hate to break it to you, just at a time when things } are really lookin' good, but..... } ....hard times are on the way. } } Heck, We don't even have to be prescient to know that. Just look. All } the classic warning signs are there: } } 1) "rhythym" Your life has stabilised. Those annoying } inner-ear problems have gone. Everything is happening } when it should. But the build up of wax is starting, } and your heart will lose the beat } 2) "music" hmmmph. You're hearing things. Or if you aren't } yet, you soon will be. probably due to that wax build-up. } 3) "gal" You Bastard. Parade your personal success around, } why don't you? It's not easy being an omniscient, } omnipotent, omniprescient Oracle, you know. We don't } have someone warm and cuddly to share, so why should you. } } Undoubtedly all these factors are UNDENIABLE signs that the end is nigh. } Or at least a one-person recession. If you sacrifice a heifer to } Demeter, and examine its entrails, you'll see it too. So... } } ...NOW is the time to buy boxes and boxes of tissues, umbrellas, } tins of soup and sweet corn, long-life batteries and head for the hills. } Before it's TOO late. Alternatively, shave your head, and enter } a monastary where you can devote your life to expurgating all } lewd and lascivious thoughts from the Reader's Digest condensed version } of The Pilgrim's Progress. } } Remember, } "the glass is half-empty." } "a full-house always loses to a four-of-a-kind" } "if you bend over to pick up a 100-dollar bill, someone will } kick you in the ass" } } You owe the Oracle a new CD player, and a blow-up Elle MacPherson. } } mutterBastarduttermutterfirstagainstthewallrmuttermuttermuttermutter } muttewhentherevolutioncomestermuttesomeguysgetalltheluckttemuttemutt } ermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermu } tterhellgethiserermuttermhehehehehermusomeadvantagestobeinganOraclem } uttermuttrhythmbullshitermuttermumusiccraprermuttegirltermuttermutte } rmuwheredidiputthebadluckuttermaybeivegotasparepandorasboxormuttperh } apsifimoverealfasticanpinchhisgalmuttermutterandmaybegetabandtogethe } muttermutteohmygodthisisgoingouttotheshitheadkillitkillitturnitof --- 207-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh frumptious Oracle, whose clock time is in the picoseconds and who can > visualize both configurations of the Necker cube simultaneously: > > My preciousss is gone! Bad, bad Bagginss has taken it! How can > I get my precious, my birthday-present, back, and suck the last piece of > marrow from the Bagginses' bones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay cut out the gollum schtik, I have some questions for you: } } Do you think "The Silmarillion" gets better and better every } time you read it ? } } Do you own a silver lame' jerkin which you call your "shirt of } mythril mail" ? } } Do you juggle and do acrobatics at the annual "Tudor Valley } Crafts Fair" ? } } Do you play the recorder ? } } Drink mead ? } } Eat oat cakes ... ? } } ARE YOU A PUPPET ENTHUSIAST ?!?!?!? } } Just as I thought. You need professional help pal. } } Also, you owe the Oracle Christopher Tolkien's girdle of dwarven } stamina. --- 207-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it so chilly in the mornings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As Dr. Ulrik M. Bronestone (Nobel Prize winner in 1996) once said, } "Coldness is fundamentally the absence of heat, caused by a shortage of } atomic particles known as hotdots. Since many modern experiments } confirm the fact that these hotdots have no mass or electrical charge, } they are classified according to size; thus lessons and morons." } } How can something without a mass have a definite size? This has puzzled } physicists for decades, with the only apparent effect being an alarming } increase in insane scientists. The real answer to the problem can be } found in The Grand Theory of Scuba Diving, which also includes the } answers to several other eternal problems such as "Where _did_ I put my } piano last night?" and "Will the Beach Boys ever grow up to become Beach } Men?". Anyway, according to the theory, mass cannot be quantumized or } enrolled in record clubs, nor can it be converted into psionic energy } without the aid of Slushpuppies and Hersheybars. However, when the } timezone difference between Boston and Budapest exceeds the total time } required for a Sun workstation to compile a Pascal program, the density } of hotdots can diminish exponentially, which may lead to the } "weightlessness" previously described. } } Now, mornings can be chilly for a number of reasons, but most likely } they will be so because many of the larger hotdots refuse to work during } the nightly hours, which forces the smaller hotdots to work overtime to } keep a new Ice Age from occuring. These poor hotdots get so tired that } by early morning, they either collapse from exhaustion or join together } to evolve into ostrich-hunters. During this phase of hotdot inactivity, } the temperature slowly decreases (causing seaweed-farmers much grief) } until the remaining hotdots finish contemplating life after Simpsons and } resume their normal duties. } } You owe the oracle a physics degree. --- 207-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to > use the ++ operator. What can I do to restore my talents? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, you have got to apologise! The Muse was round my } place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood! What } on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great } language? I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you? } } There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few } friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you } understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...) } } 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter). Trash } all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND prefix } operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life). Get the } fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to compile and } execute the following program 32767 times } } #include } #include } #include } #include } #include } #define FAULT mine } #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD } #define CRAWL_NO 256 } main(argc, argv) } int argc; } char **argv; } { } int crawling=0; } for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) { } /* THATS how you use */ } abase(ME); /* ++ (postfix ...) */ } castigate(ME); } humble(ME); } humiliate(ME,whip(),beat()); } buy(expensive_toy()); } buy(leatherwear()); } buy(choc_chip_ice_cream()); } buy(red_roses(12)); } } } printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\n"); } printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse. Truly sorry!\n", } my_name()); } } } } 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint } the bald patches red. Stand out in the snow until you turn blue } underneath. Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming! } I apologise! Please, please, please come back! I promise I won't } complain when you beat me at Tetris! I'll do anything for you! I was } a bad bad bad boy! I'll never even look at another programming } language again! Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me! It was } all a mistake! I'll do anything!" If you're lucky, she'll come } back. And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were } discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning, } and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ... } } 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your } last program together - she likes hairy coding. } } 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get } everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman. Don't worry if } you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never } stopped the religious evangalists in the past ... } } 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24 } days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of } cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game } of nethack. Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's } version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible } handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me, } here. If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse } to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project. } } Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going } by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride. She was } considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty } adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well, } C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait } just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry. } Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the } net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing } fingers up to the wrist. } } Good luck, and may you make the right decisions! } } You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and } compiles down to a single NOP every single time. And a banana. --- 207-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose rhetoric is like no others ... > > Why is it that time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is actually a phrase used to test the internal consistency of } natural language processors. Fruit does not fly like a banana. In } fact, very few fruit can fly at all. The majority belong to a wingless } species of fruit which back-evolved from the interbreeding of small land } mammals and New Zealanders. The few fruits which do possess the power } of flight are ones such as lemons and oranges (citri alti) and a rare } South-American carrot (keratos obscurus). Although banana-like, their } manner of flight bears enough dissimilarities to warrant another name. } } Time flies became extinct in the 13th century in after great religious } persecution. Recent studies have shown that there favourite environment } was the armoury which could have led to the saying while the men were } dressing for battle "Check for flies." Later this developed, as language } does, to become more similar to the modern saying. } } This talk of carrots (which are known to improve eyesight) is } reminiscent of a saying of Galileo: } } `If I have seen further than most men it is because I have used } a telescope.' } } You owe the oracle a can of insecticide. --- 207-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle rampant, when I asked you about Punjabi micro-tigers you > denounced me as a "befuddled gin-soaked charlatan". However I myself > had received several questions about Punjabi micro-tigers and asked > you about them to gather information for my replies. Needless to say, > your response was not very helpful. Fortunately my subsequent > research uncovered a dissertation by R.M. Bynam entitled "Punjabi > Micro-Tigers: History and Function", which in turn cited many other > works devoted to the subject. This research enabled me to formulate a > coherent reply to the questions, no thanks to you. > > In short, I respectfully submit that I am not a gin-soaked charlatan, > and suggest that if you have anything to contribute to the existing > literature concerning Punjabi micro-tigers, please do so. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! How I long for the distant lands of Punjabi, few know that I used } to roam this Indian subcontinent in my youth! Everyone knows that } Punjabi micro-tigers exist entirely within the minds of the } spiritualy-inclined. But while this fun and phantasmical beast is caged } within metaphysical realms, it exists luridly in the fears of every } pre-adolescent inhabitant of this Indian subcontinent. Because of its } mythical existence, it also has a mythical method of capture. A Punjabi } micro-tiger may be captured by wreathing a lasso of juniper branchlets } using the berries as lure and singing several folk songs in Panjabi. } } As you well know, India was once under the far-reaching fingers of the } British Empire. One of Britain's most famous exports at the height of } its glory was gin, most famously Beefeater labeled accordingly with the } image of a guard of Buckingham in full military dress. This gin was } distilled from the Juniper berries imported from Punjabi. The Punjabi, } resentful of the occupation and governing of their homeland by } imperialists, wished this beast upon whoever would consume the } end-product of their soil. } } Analogously, the United States has it's version of the Punjabi } micro-tiger most commonly referred to as a `Pink Elephant'. Whether the } myth carries the stigmatism of alcoholism or not is unclear within the } northwestern parts of India, but in most Western cultures it is seen as } such. --- 207-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I not doing my work ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know either (yet). Let's take a look inside your mind and see } } # rlogin shmoe_brain@net.user.questioner.wuss } } Login: operator } Password: (the Oracle found this password on the local pirate bulletin } board) } } WetUnix v.42.33e (collegiate version) } } WU46321: System warning: renegade job interfering with normal processing } } # ps } } 12:34pm up 23 years, 167 days, load average: 0.11, 0.02, 0.01 } Process CPU time idle JCPU %CPU what } id 10034733 23 0.5% i think, therefore i am } ego 10034732 82 0.5% i am, therefore i think } lust_deamon 538387 19 98% thinksex -r thinksex -r [...] } productive_work 122003 27 1% boring } infantile_wants 538387 20yrs 36 } i_want_mommy 82279 18 } } # exit } } There's the answer -- you're spending all your time thinking about sex. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower and a postcard to Mom.