From kinzler Wed Oct 10 12:05:04 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 10 Oct 90 12:02:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #203 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 203 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #203 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 10 Oct 90 12:02:21 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 198 9 votes 10233 44100 42300 20412 10161 01512 11232 22230 41310 13311 198 2.9 mean 3.8 1.7 1.9 3.1 3.7 3.4 3.4 2.7 2.1 2.8 --- 203-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the greatest donut? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The greatest donut is that donut which both lives the examined life and } has a creamy filling. } } You owe the Oracle a donut. --- 203-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise, powerful Oracle, whose B.O. could knock over a camel, whose > farts are more powerful than locomotive's breath, and whose trousers can > leap tall buildings with a single bound all while unoccupied, tell me: > > Why do witches float like ducks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, that old misunderstanding again. Well, time to sort it out, } once and for all : } } It is not true that `Witches float like ducks'. } } The _original_ phrase was `Witches like ducks'. This has to do with the } nature of witches : they are not at all, as is the general } misconception, evil creatures that cast spells on people just for the } fun of it, but really very sensitive people (mostly women, naturally -- } actually, there was a male witch once, but he left the craft after he } reportedly `felt he was frozen out by the other witches') who at least } try to live in harmony with nature, and not like the rest of us use } bulldozers to build houses. Well, yes, they _do_ cast spells now and } then, and sometimes even not-so-nice ones, but generally only on people } they specifically dislike, and for good reasons, too. Another myth } about witches has to do with black cats. Yes, you just _know_ that all } witches keep a black cat, don't you? Well, *bleep*, you're wrong. } Witches keep ducks. And why ducks ? you ask, wondering about such } strange behaviour. Well, not strange, really - Have you ever seen the } size of a duck egg ? Sure beats the hell out of chicken eggs. And they } taste better, too. So, the phrase `Witches like ducks' was coined, } because it was (and is) true. Unfortunately, at one point in time, a } 17-year-old horny peasant boy with a bad sense of humor watched one of } the sexier neighbourhood witches swim in a lake one day, had a thought } (which, for him, was a rare occasion indeed) and rephrased the } expression as `Witches float like ducks', which was, by the way, } terrible wrong in most cases, considering that swimming was not seen as } common knowledge at the time, and that this particular witch had some } troule actually keeping her head above the water. Moreover, history } tells us that named boy later tragically died when falling into said } lake after having been lifted there by a flock of angry ducks, which is } no mean feat, considering the shape of their feet. } } You owe the oracle a deck of tarot cards, a black cat, and three duck } eggs. --- 203-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > do I believe in god? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last, a simple question! There are many ways to determine if } you believe in God. Note, this is not as difficult as the question } as to whether God actually exists, which is another matter entirely. } } Here are three easy steps: } } 1. Steal your friend's 1986 Jaguar and bring it home for some shop work. } Clip the main strut which allows the emergency break to be set. Tie } a cord to the brake fluid line so that a sharp jerk on the cord will } rip out the line, effectively destroying your brakes. } } Now, drive to the top of nearest, highest mountainside or cliff where } the road takes hairpin turns. Jam the accelerator to the floor and } zoom off downslope. Love that sound of the roaring and screeching! } Man against machine on the dirt cliffside roads! When the speedometer } needle hits the top, if you believe in God, yank the brake fluid } line! } } 2. Using black market connections, get in touch with someone in the } Irish Republican Army who can sell you Czechoslovakian-made semtex. } You will have to rob a bank to pay for this. Carry fifty pounds of } this high tech plastique in a backpack to the Empire State Building } in New York City. You will have to wait in line for a few hours; } bide your time. } } If you have a gun and a small wad of explosive, you will be able to } blow open the cage keeping people from jumping off. You'll need a } small detonator of course - high impact or high temperature should do } it. Take out several hundred feet of very old elastic cord, tie it to } the elevator and to your ankles. Stand on the edge of the hole you } made and look down, down, down. Consider whether the plastique would } go off on impact were you to hit the ground. If you believe in God, } jump. } } 3. If you lost your nerve and couldn't follow the first two steps, } you are either a wimp or you do not believe in God. To get around } the wimp possibility, there is a third and simpler way. } } Buy a huge concert-quality stereo system. No, buy fifty of them. } Buy a hundred search lights and hire men to move and assemble them. } Tape record Led Zeppelin, ZZ Top, and other "distinctive" artists. } Mix this in with simulated gunfire and explosions. Sit right on the } border of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, strapped to a high chair on a } huge stage, set up to radiate intense 100 Megawatt radar pulses. } Turn the volume all the way up. Savor the stillness of the desert } night for a moment. If you believe in God, hit the play button and } party on! } } You owe the Oracle a tape of the 1812 Overture. --- 203-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From your weather report for June 5th 2010, it sounds like us 'pommies' > will be having pretty typical weather for the time of year.. Oh well. > > I have found a little (6-7" tall) Irishman with a little red beard > and a black cap, smoking a dear little pipe in the back of my > garden who has heard of you, and when I asked him, he offered to > make you a set of pixie boots. My question is, What foot size are > you ( English please as he's old fashioned and doesn't take other > measurements ) > > Please can you also tell me what size boots Lisa takes, as I am the > founder member of the Universities & Polytechnic boot appreciation > society. > > English --> American translations. > __________________________________ > > (back garden : lit translation : Back yard) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally! I've been trying to locate a Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. sales } rep for years -- they've been exceedingly hard to reach ever since } they branched off into crop circles. Tell the little fellow I really } admire their work, and not to worry about returning the weed-whackers. } Consider them a gift. } } They should still have our sizes on file, but just in case my shoe } size is Incomprensibly Vast--although maybe he should just send } Infinites since the Incomprehensibly Vasts pinch sometimes. Lisa's } size is Astonishingly Diminutive Especially Given the Immensity of Her } Tits. } } Lisa would like another 5 pairs of Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item } #347A-662 (from the 1989 catalogue), the "Pink Leather Waders Lined } with Red Velvet Goose Down Quilting". The other pairs were } wonderful--and very well made, I might add, although Lisa & I tend to } go through them pretty fast. } } I don't really need pixie boots, since I've been kind of inundated } with them lately. Also, although I consider them very stylish and } comfy they have provoked the derision of a certain female friend of } mine. Therefore, instead please send me Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item } #42857A-344N (from your 1974 catalogue), "Funky-Funky Starman } Shock-o-Delic Platform Moon Boots with with forty-two layer stacked } sole and ultra hi-top fully glitter-spangled leather uppers." Tell } them to use their discretion on customization--maybe something like } the "Funk to Heaven in '77" boots that they did for Parliament a while } back, and also a titanium-reinforced toe would be nice (I believe Yuri } Andropov's pair had these). } } } P.S. As a kind of "starter kit" for a Universities & Polytechnic Boot } Appreciation Society Holy Shrine to the Footwear of Lisa, I am sending } the very toe-shoes Lisa wore during her wondrous "Dance of the Seven } Whales". --- 203-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HI, MY NAME IS KHANH TRAN FROM A AND T UNIVERSITY. I WOULD LIKE TO > KNOW WHAT WAS THE OFFICIAL U.S CENSUS COUNT FOR 1990. IF YOU DON'T HAVE > EXACT COUNT NUMBER.PLEASE,JUST GIVE ME THE ESTIMATE NUMBER.THIS MESSAGE > FROM YOU IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ASSIGNMENT. HOPE TO GET YOUR ANSWER VERY > SOON. > THANK YOU. > KHANH TRAN. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vell, zis whole Zensus Burrheau business stems from a bazic } misundershtanding of Physics. Zey attempt to count ze number of persons } in each house in ze U.S. But of course, as quantum physicists ve know } zat you cannot establish both ze position und ze velocity of a person at } ze same time. And if you cannot establish ze velocity of a person in a } house, you cannot know whether he vill be in or out of ze house in the } next moment. You can use statistical methods, of course, to arrive at a } figure for ze U.S. as a whole. } But ze fact of ze matter is, as I have demonstrated in my book, } _Probably Being There_, zere is in reality only one (1) American. Ze } U.S. can be viewed as a system whose quantum state consists of ze } probabilities of ze American being in each house at a given moment. But } since ze census vas mailed, it is spread over time, und zo ze American } has a high probibility, for any house, of being in it at least vonce } during ze census. } } Kaufen Sie eine lowercase Keyboart! --- 203-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do you catch the eye of a handsome young programmer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With a butterfly net!!!!!!!!! } } Or seriously....You are serious? Well, there aren't that many } of then around. And as programmers are notoriously difficult to } distract from their CRTs, I would suggest involving one in your } nefarious plot. } The easiest way to catch his eye is to unplug his monitor. Oh, } so, sorry. I tripped over the cord. Eyelashes batting and face getting } red. Of course, if he was in the middle of something rather important, } like a Moria game, he might be more pissed-off than pleased. So do not } try this unless you know the programmer in question rather well. } Knowing his programming style is a help in that. Or getting hold of his } source code, i.e. his mother. } For the less desparate, or perhaps less courageous, there is } always the interactive features of the computer itself. Sending him a } strange message is one way to get his attention, especially if he's in } the middle of inputting something in binary or hex. And if he's in the } middle of frying an AMHD, he'll probably take his Holy Avenger } Zweihander to you instead. Check what he's doing before you try it. } For the truly faint of heart, there is always his mailbox. } Sending him a letter is one way to introduce yourself. The problem is } that mail messages can be ignored. Or dumped without being read. Or } both. And then there's the problem of not knowing his name and/or } username. The best way to get around this? } The direct approach. Programmers, as much as they deny it, are } human too. Move one hand in front of his eyes to see if anyone is } "home". If not, come back later when he's awake and able to respond to } outside stimuli. If he is aware of his surroundings, pull up a chair } and introduce yourself. If he ignores you, sit in his lap. If he still } ignores you, stop wasting your time and go hunt up a man someplace else. } This one isn't human. } } SO THAT'S WHERE HENRY GOT TO!!! WE LOST AN ANDROID PROGRAMMER A } FEW MONTHS BACK. SOME CRETIN TOOK HIM IN FOR A TUNEUP, AND NEVER } BROUGHT HIM BACK! FINALLY!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle Henry and a subcription to True Romance. --- 203-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any truth to the rumor that all Nintendo's are programmed to > self-destruct a tiny C4 explosive this Christmas, thus enabling Nintendo > to release a new product for all kids to go out and blow a hundred bucks > on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes! It is true that Nintendo is plotting another brilliant marketing } strategy. Here is how it works. } } 1) On approximately Oct. 15, most cartridges have been preprogrammed } to begin randomly ignoring signals from the little controllers, so } customers will think they are defective. } } 2) About a week later, a TV, radio, newspaper, and breakfast cereal } blitz promoting their new $320 joypads will begin. Kids are } warned that not having one Xmas morning means certain nerd status } and social failure. } } 3) The new controllers will have tiny electrodes on the surface } which are activated when the buttons are pressed. These electrodes } will send impulses to the conflict centers of the cerebral cortex } rendering the player extremely susceptible to suggestion (ever see } Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?) } } 4) About January 15, the cartridges will begin displaying subliminal } messages in sync with the electrode impulses, such as "If you don't } buy a new cartridge now, you will die," and "Spend lots of money on } Nintendo products, or you will die" and "Send us a blank, signed } check if you don't want to die a virgin." } } You owe the Oracle a Super Mario Bros. III cartridge. --- 203-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT IS MY NAME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BIFF! HOW NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU. ALWAYS A PLEASURE. } } While you're here, could you please ask your friends playing THUMPER } in my driveway for a favor? Not that I mind their being there!! } Really, I enjoy the excitement and simple joy of this fun-loving } basketball game where the basketballs are replaced by huge kegs of beer. } Especially the drinking part. Everyobdy loves a good loud drinking } game at 4 in the morning. } } And those cracks in the driveway and crush damage to my car don't } really matter. Please don't get offended! I don't really mind having } my tulip garden used as the free-throw zone. So what's my small, teeny } little request? Well, a lot of the guys stumble over to the porch and } start logging Oracle requests on the terminal there, and well - } wouldn't it be best for everyone if they just kept their attention on } the game? I mean, what's the point of disturbing poor little me (not } that I mind)? Take last night's questions for example: } } > WE WANT MORE BEER } ---------- } } Please, feel free to take my car! There's a liquor store down } } the street. No problem. Remember, bring it back, ok? The car, I mean! } } > WHERE YOU HIDING IN DIS TV LITTLE MAN } ---------- } } I am the Usenet Oracle, and the terminal you are typing on is } } connected to the little box on the floor under the door. It is a } } computer. } } > I NO SEE NO MAN IN THIS FUNNY BOX } ---------- } } Hey, put that workstation down! Ow! Oh, hell, I seem to have gotten } } my processes stuck in here! Nice doggie. Down, boy! What am I saying? } } > HEY BART WATCH THIS - PLAY THUMPER WITH FUNNY TV AND BOX! } ---------- } } Grep! Awk! Look, this is very important. Pay attention, and do what I } } say. First reconnect the primary ethernet cable, and reconnect hard } } drive #2, and punch in the lost assembly code for reconnect. I'll } } dictate to you. Then we'll reboot and sync our disks - do you program } } in UNIX, I hope? } } > THUMP! THUMP! CRASH!! THUMP! THUMP! SCORE!!!! RAH RAH RAH!!! DRINK!!!! } > THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! CRACK! (oraclebox not responding still trying) } > (oraclebox not responding still trying) (core dump) (segmentation } > fault) } --------- } } Good morning, Doctor Chandra. I'm ready for my first lesson. } } EOF } } Fortunately my primary process was somewhere else! Recovering that } part of my personality took hours and I still have a hangover... } } You owe the Oracle extra-strength Excedrin, version 4.1a_beta. --- 203-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the meat products on sale at gas stations are never out > of date, but you never see anyone buying, let alone eating them? (eg: > "The Sausage Roll" here in the UK). Does a little man from the > meat-rendering factory come round and slip off the packaging and replace > it with one with another month on the Eat-By date? Or does the moon > have some effect on this, silently clocking the Eat-By code around like > a taxi meter once every 28 days?. Or is it all together something more > sinister, like time standing still in enamelled chill cabinets which > smell of diesel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All of your explanations are pretty inane, but none are as inane as } the truth. Unfortunately I am not permitted to reveal the truth about } this particular phenomenon. However, here is an excerpt from "The } Timetables of History", compiled in the year 2875 by one Reebo of } Zeldeban: } } 33) Late 10th century. A man called Bozo briefly rules France. } } 34) 1307. A glowing disk crashes into the North Sea. } } 35) 1314. The Knights Templars are apparently persecuted } out of existence. } } 36) 1888. Easter Island annexed by Chile. } } 37) Mid 1970's. "Abba" becomes the most popular musical group } in recorded history. Offshore drilling begins in the North } Sea. } } 38) Late 1970's. The shelf life of sausage rolls in British gas } stations becomes apparently limitless. } } 39) Early 1980's. Popularity of "Abba" declines. } } 40) 1990. The Usenet Oracle is asked about (38). Answer unkown. } } 41) 1997. President Quayle announces allegiance to Knights } Templars. --- 203-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't think so. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think so. } } I don't think, so I am not. } } I think so, therefore I am not. } } Am so. } } Am not. } } So. } } Not. } } I think not, therefore I am so. } } So I don't think. } } I don't think so ... } } [Excerpted from Rene Descartes, _The_Notebooks_, 1632.]