From kinzler Tue Sep 4 09:21:06 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 4 Sep 90 09:13:49 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #195 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 195 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #195 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 4 Sep 90 09:13:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 190 10 votes 11404 13330 05302 22330 22231 14320 13321 11602 01603 43120 190 2.9 mean 3.5 2.8 2.9 2.7 2.9 2.6 2.9 3.1 3.5 2.1 --- 195-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is "Sir Wild Worm Smythe?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Pleasing Comedie Wylde Worm Smythe, } } -- or -- } } The Angler's Return } } [an excerpt] } } } } BELINDA: Good Lord Smythe, should'st thou not knock before entering a } lady's bedchamber? You frighten'd my poor Shock almost out o' his wits! } } SMYTHE: Your Shock, Madame? } } BELINDA: My lapdog, sir. Would you care to be acquainted with my } hairy little thing? } } SMYTHE: Certainly madame, if you would kindly move the dog. Truth be } known, madame, I too have a little pet which longs for the } acquaintance of some warm creature.... } } BELINDA: Perhaps it would care to mingle with mine. Is it a dog, } sir, or a cat perhaps? } } SMYTHE: It is, madame, a worm. } } BELINDA: A worm, sir! Imagine! } } SMYTHE: A lapworm, madame. Yet I fear his play might much chaffe and } weary your dainty pet, for my little fellow grows most restive, being } always confined within my breeches. Here he is -- } } BELINDA: Vicare! He is not so little, sir! By the rednesse of } him I should say he is a blood-worm! And the winking of his eye } speaks most tellingly of a rogueish wildnesse! } } SMYTHE: He is, I confesse, a most marvelous forward creature. } } BELINDA: Yet his posture is quite noble, for he is most erect in } bearing -- he seems a very soldier-worm! } } SMYTHE: A conquistidor, m'lady. Yes, he's a haughty night crawler, and } a sporting too. } } BELINDA: 'Pon my life, he is indeed a sportsman -- a most promiscuous } Angler, I should say, for he smells most stinkingly of fish! } } SMYTHE: True, dear Lady. He loves nothing more 'pon this earth than } to angle his way into a dank and fishy grotto.... } } BELINDA: I blush, sir! What is your meaning, pray! } } SMYTHE: Do you know of such a place, madame, where my friend might } find liquid refreshment? He likes his grottoes small, and o'ergrown } with moss. } } BELINDA: Perhaps I know of such a place, sir, but given the prodigious } girth and longitude of your pet, I fear he'd never fit! } } SMYTHE: 'Tis always thought no grotto could accomodate his vastness, } madame, yet he always gains his entrance, though it take a whole night } of toilsome batt'ring! } } BELINDA: I beg you stop, sir! Now you are too forward! } } SMYTHE: Avast! } } BELINDA: Oh! } } SMYTHE: I die! } } BELINDA: I die! } } SMYTHE: I die! } } BELINDA: I die! --- 195-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ARHG! Mr. Palace Monkey just nearly killed me with a buffer! What'll > I do, Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not again! You stupid! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH! } } [Fade to picture of scholarly gentleman] } } "The Oracle then proceeded to hunt down the hapless writer with an axe } and chop him into bite-size pieces. Yes, the Oracle cracked under the } strain of being asked to answer one too many nonsensical questions. } } "But can we really blame the Oracle? After being constantly bombarded } with questions like `Why does my lexicon grow purple at night?' or } `Chunks o' sputum! Hurrah!' or even `Gurble splitter poop. Glibber } goob nobber?', who wouldn't like to find the little jerk who wrote the } question and grab his NECK AND SQUEEZE AND SQUEEZE UNTIL PASTY PINK } GOO SQUIRTS BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS AND THE TWERP'S EYES POP RIGHT OUT OF } HIS SKULL AND GO BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM LIKE ALBINO MEATBALLS--ahem. } } "So please. For your own safety, please write sensible, logical } questions. Like, `Why is Lisa like a plumber's snake?' That's one I've } always wanted to answer." } } You owe the Oracle a spotless corkscrew. --- 195-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I really against war? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am reminded of the famous cheer by the Hunsterettes, Attila's } cheerleading squad: } } We love war, } Yes we do! } We love war, } How 'bout you? } } Usually, there was no reply from the opposing corpses. "But what does } that have to do with me?" you might ask. Very little, I would answer. } Let us consider the lowly amoeba: does it wonder about war, about } the senseless devouring of other amoebas? No! It does what it must to } survive. "But what does that have to do with me?" you might ask. Very } little, I would answer. } Do you think the Germans thought about what they were doing when } they bombed Pearl Harbor?!... Or was that... Well, anyway, the point } is, whoever they were, they just did it, then we, like, did what we did. } Hm. } My suggestion is this: go out at night and look up at the stars. } See how many there are? There are hundreds, I assure you. And they're } more than a thousand miles away. Really makes you think, doesn't it? } So if, like, the universe is so big and everything, what difference does } it make if a few million people die on some miserable rock spinning } around a small star in an unfashionable corner of the galaxy? Are you } really against war? That depends on the value you place on life when } put in that perspective. } You owe the oracle a posting to philosophy.cynics as penance. --- 195-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why haven't there been any "Usenet Oracularities" postings to Rec.humor > lately? Some rumours say that Stepve Kinzler is dead, others that he's > just on vacation and others that he's just recovering from that date > with Lisa he finally got as a reward for long and faithful service. Is > any of these rumours true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kinzler, dead? No, it's not possible... He HAS been pretty quiet } lately. Hm..... } } Good Grief! He is dead! One bullet, straight through the heart! Who } could have done this? } } } } Who said that? } } } } Net.murder.god? Why, you're gwh, a famous USENET personality! Why } would you be the net.murder.god? } } } } Why did you kill Kinzler? What did he do to you? } } } } Are you sure? Let's look at those replies... } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I deeply love my girlfriend Linda. How can I show my love to her? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Well, for starters, you could amputate her limbs with a chainsaw, } } and watch her bleed to death. Or you could set her on fire. How } } about feeding her a set of Alka-Seltzer tablets and watching her } } stomach explode? Or } ^C } } That's pretty grisly, George. } } } } Still... } } } } What? Hey, what is that? A STEAMROLLER?!? Ahhhhh!! Run away! Run } away! Run away... } } . } . } . } } Cough, cough. Oh, it must have been a nightmare. Lisa, you wouldn't } believe the nightmare I just had. I met the net.murder.god, and... } } } } Oh well, at least you're still the net.sex.goddess... } } } } To what? } } } } Net.maternity... Oh no! Noooooooooooooo.... } } . } . } . } } } } Oh, Kinzler, it's you. I thought you were dead. } } } } Right. Let me sign that and you can post away... } } You owe the Oracle a chainsaw, a condom, and some NoDoze. --- 195-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend, Ophelia, killed herself today. Should I commit suicide? > > Signed, Hamlet. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suicide Hotline... please hold. --- 195-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Under what circumstances, if any, should a decent young sheep go to the > Texas A&M? They invited me very nicely. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Got some new software! Gotta try it out! } } OracleOS Release 1.0 (bsd4.6) IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU } } 9/1 queryl -- the new DBMS has been installed. Later this week we } will also install gqueryl, which will be twice as powerful at only } six times the size. } } 8/23 Someone has been drinking coffee again near the Workstations. } This is a no-no. } } iuvax [1] queryl } } WELCOME TO QUERYLANGUAGE v. 0.0.0.1 ALPHA } } BUG REPORT: NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS FROM ALPHA TESTERS ABOUT CLI. WATCH } YOURSELF. } } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (texas))) } ..... } "There are no sheep in texas." } } What? Hmm. Maybe I should capitalize "Texas"... } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (Texas))) } ......... } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of beer." } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of scotch." } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of wine." } "The sheep in Tex^C } } Maybe I should be more specific. Hm... } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (cf "Texas A&M"))) } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ....... } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of "Aggie."" } ?? MAL QUES ERR 00121 ?? } } This isn't working at all. What's error 00121? "Malformed query." Try } again. } } ?> (query? (and ("sheep") (action "enroll" (cf "Texas A&M")))) } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ........... } YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX. CONFIRM CORRECTNESS: } "Why would a sheep enroll in the Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?" [Y/N]: N } } Now I see how it works. Let my try again. } } ?> (query? (action "invite" (action "enroll" ("sheep")) (cf "Texas A&M"] } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ........... } YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX. CONFIRM CORRECTNESS: } "Why are the sheep nervous around Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?" [Y/N]: Y } } Close enough. } .................. } "The sheep are nervous around Texas A&M because the other sheep are } nervous around Texas A&M." } } What?? What kind of an answer is that? } } ?> (please? explain (panswer)) } } "Have you ever seen a female Aggie?" } } Hmm.... looks like we're getting somewhere now. } } ?> (please? explain (pexplanation)) } } "The boys get pretty lonely around Texas A&M." } } ?> (please? explain (pexplanation)) } } "Get it through your thick skull, you poor excuse for a mail daemon. } These Aggies are boinging their sheep." } } ?> (please? define "boinging") } } "Y'know, 'hide the hotdog,' wink wink nudge nudge know-what-i-mean?" } } ?> (please? define "hide the hotdog") } } "Good grief. You know, what you and Lisa did all last Saturday..." } } ?> (test-eq? "boinging" "croquet") } } "Croquet? You played CROQUET with the net.sex.goddess 'til 3AM?" } } ?> (assert 't) } } "My ass." } } ?> (assert queryl (not (is-element-of queryl "ass"))) } } "It's a figure of speech. Sheesh." } } ?> (assert queryl (is-element-of queryl "obnoxious")) } } "Same to you, bud." } } ?> (quit) } } "No, not until we have this thing out." } } ?> (abort) } } "Nice try." } } ?> ^C } } "Try again. Hehehehehe." } } ?> ^\ } } "What? Oh damn, forgot about SIGSTOP..." } process terminated (tty input) } } iuvax [2] rm /bin/queryl } Permission denied. } } One last chance... } } iuvax [3] queryl -e '(query? (amount "wood" (action "chuck") \ } "woodchuck"))' } Segmentation fault (core dumped). } } iuvax [4] /bin/rm -f /bin/queryl } iuvax [5] comp } To: root@iuvax } cc: } Subject: queryl has self-erased } -------- } A bug in the queryl DBMS caused it to erase itself. Better send a bug } report. } --Orrie } ^D } What now? push } iuvax [6] logout --- 195-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the characters of the Glagiolitic alphabet, and when was its > use superseded by the Cyrillic alphabet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The characters are a bit hard to do in ASCII. Here are their names as } pronounced by Herman Merbleguard. } } - Tshi-boo Bokra ("tkh") was eliminated in 1854 in favor of just using } "t" followed by "kh". } } - Ongolobo Borka ("tsh") was eliminated in 1856 in favor of the "ch" } character, since nobody could tell the difference anyways. } } - Yurp-Noiky Paloo ("r") was eliminated in 1856 also, because Mirnikov, } the chairman on the Council of Arts and Letters could not pronounce } "r". (It was reinstated in 1871, under the name "Walla-walla Snapper } Cavort", and turned upside down.) (Also, painting was abolished, as } Mirnikov could not paint. It was restored two years later as the art } form of attaching canvas to a film of oil-based fluid.) } } - Gosling Snake Maroon ("g") was eliminated in 1856 because there was } already a letter "g". } } - Castro Blunder-Marshmallows ("g") was eliminated in 1857 because } Gosling Snake Maroon had been eliminated, and it was only fair. } } - Torquil Marzipan-Onomatopoeia ("ai") was eliminated in 1858 because it } was the first letter of a nasty name that Mirnikov was called when he } was a child, just before they beat him with a dictionary. } } - Yuggoth Blender-Sforzando Bumboo ("ly") was eliminated in 1859 as part } of the epic struggle between Mirnikov and his arch-rival Ventrikov. } This struggle, which may be studied in more detail in Michelin's epic } volume "The Purloined Letter", ended in the destruction and partial } death of both participants, quite dramatically, as they spoke to each } other with poisoned Balakirev Vichisoisse-Moutarde ("s") letters. } } This pretty much ended the alphabetic reform. However, in 1893, the } letter Bar-Hytt System Call (which makes the previous letter be } pronounced upside-down) was lost by accident when an unnamed lieutenant } was taking it to Leningrad for a routine dental examination. } } You owe the Oracle a phonological history of the United States. --- 195-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it ever possible to seduce someone by serving them red wine, grapes, > and tincture of iodine? If not, why does Billy keep serving it to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why is he doing it? Why--why because he loves you, of course. } } Hit it! (Da dum da dum dum DUM!) } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } You're making me pine away! } } Oh, Iodine } Red grapes and wine } I serve you every day! } } I used to think you loved me } But now I really know } 'Cause when you eat } My special treat } Your face begins to glow! } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } Don't take your love away! } } Yeah! (tap tippity tap tap tappa swish tap tap click clack clock clack } clickety clack clock) Whoa, we're cookin' now! (Tap tap clickety clack } clikka tap swish) One more time! } } Oh, Iodine } Not turpentine } You know I'll never mind you! } } Oh, Iodine } My love is blind } I'll wine and iodine you! } } Your parents think I'm crazy } That I'm not alright upstairs } When I go back } To fix a snack } I get suspicious glares! } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } Don't take your love away! } } Drink up! } } (For a musical recording of this Oracularity send $1.50 to: } } Oracle's a Dancin' Fool } 387 Oracle Way } Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality 12345+1.89i } } Save COD charges by picking it up yourself, you lazy bum!) } } You owe the Oracle a song about Milk of Magnesia --- 195-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this girl next to me and why is she naked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Her name is Ms. Horse-Slime Slug Rabbit. She is a 33d degree } Freemason, a Rotarian, an Elk, and the League of Voters With Stupid } Names. She is naked because Ms. Goat Stewed-Turnips Prince removed her } clothing as a prelude to initiating her into yet another secret society. } The reason she is next to you is that you are somewhere where you very } much do not belong. --- 195-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oy, all the SaTAN questions of the Oracle today, why all the SaTAN > questions, it is five or six I have gotten now, why, why all the SaTAN > questions? And why the dorky capitalization? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A little careful checking into the matter has revealed that these } messages are actually coming *from* Satan. Yup, that's right. } Asmodious, Beezelbub, The Prince Of Darkness, The devil on two sticks, } The Cloven One and even "Proctor & Gamble" on occasion. } } In any case, The Oracle was somewhat curious about this sudden and } rather inept attempt at self-promotion by The Devil and managed to } arrange a short interview. } } Oracle: "So, Mr. Satan, what exactly is behind these recent attempts } of yours to step into the limelight?" } } Satan: "Well, Oracle baby, it's like this. In the past, I never had } to worry much about advertising, you know? There was always a } mother's group burning Beatle records in my name, or some } number of two-headed calves born in Ireland that were attributed } to me. My name was in the press almost constantly." } } Oracle: "To say nothing of the cults." } } Satan: "Ah yes.. Black Sabbath, Charles Manson, Anita Bryant. } Those were the days." (looks wistfully into space for a } moment). } } Oracle: "So what's the problem?" } } Satan: "Well, it just ain't the same anymore. For one, the competition } these days is murder! Take all them tee-vee preachers for } example." } } Oracle: "I wish you would." } } Satan: "Heh heh, yes, well, in the old days I could always count on } them to provide the bible thumpers with a good clear public } image of me. Fire and brimstone, corruption of their children, } you know? But now they've skipped the middleman and started } cutting in on my action! Jim and Tammy Baker with $10,000 } heated dog houses and lavish monuments to greed! Jimmy Swaggert } caught watching hookers do the hurky-lurky with fresh } vegetables! It's getting to where the Bible thumpers are } starting to wonder just who the Devil is!" } } Oracle: "A crisis of faith, as it were." } } Satan: "Exactly... And they were some of my best customers too.." } (muses) } "Then it got even worse. Some folks even started going straight } for my title! Gadaffi, Khomennei and now even Saddam Hussein! } That's when I started getting really worried, so I decided to } take some action." } } Oracle: "You mean..?" } } Satan: "Right! I decided to call in a few markers and get some help } from my collegues in Hollywood." } } Oracle: "An agent." } } Satan: "Yup. Benny 'Who love's ya babe?' Goldstein. One of the very } best. He does Fonda, Redford, Weird Al, all the big names. } This was all his idea." } } Oracle: "I see. A letter writing campaign." } } Satan: "Not just that. We've got some big stuff planned! Guest spots } on Miami Vice! A complete line of Devil dolls with little } suction cups on the feet for sticking on car windows, a new } series of Devil movies that will make 'The Exorcist' look like } 'Bambi', Devil lunchboxes, Devil cartoons on Saturday morning, } even my own breakfast cereal!" } } Oracle: "Wow. I'm really impressed." } } Satan: "This is the big league now. Gotta move with the times." } } Oracle: "Well, I wish you luck." } } Satan: "Yeah, thanks. Gotta run. Big possibilites in Saudi Arabia." } } Well, there you have it. The Devil has gone Hollywood. } } You owe the oracle a box of "Satan's Sugar Squishies"