From kinzler Mon Jul 23 13:16:30 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 12:12:41 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #183 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 183 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #183 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 12:12:41 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 178 9 votes 13221 13203 11322 13302 14400 14301 24111 21231 23220 22104 178 2.8 mean 2.9 3.1 3.3 2.9 2.3 2.6 2.4 3.0 2.4 3.2 --- 183-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, whose psychosis is rivalled only by the great MANSON!, > (Must include the sacred !.) > Tell me... WHy is their a poster on the wall next to me, > showing a beautiful girl with hair Jet, asking me to > go to Hawaii? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % ui -lookup -domain earth -item wall poster -descr "beautiful girl \ } hair Jet invitation to Hawaii" -output short -options peculiarities } } Welcome to UNIVERSAL INVENTORY (tm) rev 29384.492888.10e (c) 3901334z } } Please enter authorization code: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx } Authorized: >ORACLE< #1912834-192374744884839122344-01 } } Looking up... 78 preliminary matches found. } } Applying heuristics... UNIQUE MATCH MADE. } } } Part Number: 193884-377-128387663-93833-48882182734 CATALOG AE377481344 } } Short Descr: Common "wall poster" [187344F] designed by Alvin Cross for } Carlin productions. Printed 1976, 1977, 1980. Intended } originally to advertise tourism in the "islands of Hawai" } [187345F]. } Pecularities: In late 1989 became focus of social ritual where "co- } workers" [187346F] would place item in the office of a } disliked colleague to "subliminally" [187346F] instill the } idea of travel. } } } Thank you for using UNIVERSAL INVENTORY (tm) rev 29384.492888.10e } (c) 3901334z } Total CPU time 1984123766123441239.4 zoz } Total Session charges $12,349,048,848,449,934,444.12 --- 183-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, three years ago while digging a hole for my septic tank, I > discovered an ancient stone tablet on which was enscribed, "Herman, you > idiot, don't forget to bring extra gasoline for the time machine. > Signed, Herman." Yesterday, a scientist named Herman was one of the > people at my open house (my house is for sale). What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aw, gee! This is an easy one! } } 1) Break the stone tablet, saving only include the pieces containing } the words "Herman," "don't forget," "for the time machine," and } "Signed Herman." Pulverize the remaining pieces. } } 2) Show Herman the remaining sections of the tablet. } } 3) Sell Herman your house for 235% of market value. } } You owe The Oracle 15% commission. --- 183-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh One-Who-Has-Large-Pink-Fleshy-Parts-That-Leave-One-Gasping, oh > One-Who-Can-Eat-Four-Dozen-Chocolate-Eclairs-And-Successfully-Deny-It, > Oh One-Who-Drools-Big-Globs-Of-Green-Mucous-Into-The-Spittle-Bucket, > answer me this: > > I think my printer shakes more than santa's belly. (Hohoho, ho ho) It > worries me that a mechanical device can exhibit such lifelike organic > qualities. If I put the printer on Santa's belly, would they cancel > each other out? Would those nasty little harmonic thingies cause the > Santa-belly wave amplitude to have the fat red man bust a gut? What's > the worst that could happen? > > Also, what does the green sticker mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Printers are actually made to exhibit lifelik organic qualities, just to } make it easier for the end-users to relate to the machines. At least, } that was the idea that one of the mid-level managers at Mega Printers, } Inc. had one day. "Let's make a printer that shakes just like Santa's } belly" (he was, of course, thinking of Santa in the famous Disney } cartoon). "That way, our customers won't be alinated by the cold, } metallic look of out products, but will have something warm and human to } realate to." He talked to one of the engineers about it. "Hey, what do } you think of building a printer that shakes just like Santa's belly, so } people can relate to it?". The engineer thought the idea stunk, and } said so. Our manager then went to the Chief Engineer and told him about } his idea. The Chief Engineer found the idea absolutely rotten. Then } the manager went to the Marketing Director (who didn't know anything } abot engineering) who thought the idea was so great that he presented it } (as his own, of course) to the Vice President , who immediately decided } that henceforth, all the company's printers should shake like Santa's } belly, just to make it easier for people to relate to it. The } competitors quickly did likewise - after all, who wants to make a } product that people can't relate to? - and since that day, *all* } printers behave that way. } } Of course, people *still* don't relate to their printers, and all the } shaking accomplishes is to make people throw up, but that's another } story. } } } As to your question about what would happen if the printer was placed on } Santa's belly: Some elementary physics tells us that nothing very much } would happen, unless the printer's shaking matched Santa's resonance } frequency. When I talked to Santa yesterday (this is of course } impossible, since Santa doesn't exist, but never you mind), he wasn't } very keen at all to be experimented upon in this fashion. Indeed, the } sadistic glee with which you imagine the various consequences of such an } experiment dismayed him quite a lot, and I shouldn't be very surprised } if you dindn't get any Xmas gifts the next ten years or so... } } } Ah, yes, tehe little green label: If you take a close look at it, } you'll see that on it is microprinted, in a slightly (but only slightly) } different shade of green: "Warranty void if thisl label is removed". I } can think of no other reason for it being there than that they're hoping } you wont notice the text and remove the label. } } } You owe the Oracle some root beer - no, make that *lots of* root beer, } and a super-mega-bottle of 7-up, and forty cans of Sprite. (Boy it's } hot today). And throw in a large pizza, while you're at it. (*Without* } newt's eyes, cretin!). And, *please*, do you really *have* to put } insults disguised as praise in every question? ("big globs of green } mucus" indeed!) --- 183-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In a recent answer you used > > int (*((*((f)()))[]))(); > > where > > int (*(*f())[])(); > > was enough. Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BEGONE MORTAL! } } >Pffffffffffffffth!< } } [ As your particles are scattered randomly, you feel a cool breezy } sensation dominate your senses. You leave the world with spiralling } images of far away lands, very little of which you understand. But } fuck it. Pass the popcorn. ] } } < scene warps then changes to a clearing surrounded by a lush forest. } Near the center gather a small group of iguanas around a naked man } crawling on all fours. > } } iguana #1: "Hey who's the new kid?" } iguana #2: "Don't know, man. But he's definately from out of town. He's } tried out for the football team, basketball team, baseball } team-- you name it. Didn't make any of them. I hear he } squashed that George Ankeney guy this morning during P.E. } He doesn't talk much. The guy's a goob. Forget about him." } iguana #1: "Yeah." } } iguana #3: "Hey that's my son over there! I guess that new kids parents } didn't show up to this thing. I wonder if they could even } speak iguana-ese. I doubt it. I've been noticing a lot of } foreigners moving into our town lately. I don't like it } frankly. Soon they'll be inter-marrying with our children } and there'll be malformed green and white things running } around. It just ain't natural." } iguana #4: "Oh whatever. Are you letting your junior go to that } slumber party tonight at the Kelly place?" } } < scene warps then changes to a closeup of a goldfish in a small rounded } water filled bowl. the goldfish looks as it's about to say something, } but it doesn't. Then the goldfish looks as it's about to say something } again. again it doesn't. this goes on for 42 minutes. > } } goldfish: "Please make my hot cakes with buttermilk." } } < scene warps then fades to black > --- 183-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, like Ed is at it again. You remember Ed, I've > mentioned him before... As the summer heat here > in Boston begins to drive our drivers into manic > states of highway territoriality, and the grey-brown > pollution weighs heavier and heavier tinting the > city like someone just threw burned cat fur in your > eyes, well...Ed's hair is getting really spikey. > > I know I mentioned this before, but just in passing. > Now I can't let it pass. We call him Shishka-head > because when you toss a handful of olives over his > head, most impale nicely and never hit the ground > (we know this, we've tried) -- but now, almost as > if there's some sort of phototropic effect going > on, it's getting more and more spikey. Logic asserts > that summer sweat would MELT his mousse, but perhaps > it's just *irrigating* things up there. I don't > know. It scares me. It really scares me. A lot > of things scare me though, like thumbs, so that's > not my question. My question is this: by September > could we impale, say, honeydew melons and use > him as a sort of centerpiece during dinner? > > I really want to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ed's hair is harboring a colony of Xantrusian mung-beetles. These } beetles build vertical dwellings with sharp points at the end to ward } off various predators and scavengers who might damage the nests, } especially the Xantrusian apple-snorting waddlebug. Fortunately, few } Xantrusian fauna have established themselves on your planet, the } mung-beetle being one of the infrequent exceptions and as far as the } Oracle knows, only in your friend Ed's hair and one other Earthling, } named Alshar Pton who lives in New York City. } } The beetles thrive in the summer and build their hives more numerously, } but the winter chill should thin the population out considerably. Just } don't use his hair for food storage or you'll really give the bugs } something to feed off of. } } You owe the Oracle a jar of interplanetary Kwell. --- 183-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose mighty arms will surely be raised in triumph come > armageddon when the great almighty asks all if they are "Sure", > I beg a question be answerred. > > Aside from the obvious, is there any use for belly-button lint? > And aside from the obvious, is there a use for that totally tasteless > nub at the end of a banana? > \ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, the wonders of belly button lint. By the obvious, The Oracle } presumes that you refer to the mistaken belief that belly button lint } is the larval form of socks, undergoing their metamorphosis in the } so called `Laundry Cycle'. Despite the beliefs of many University } biology professors, this theory is FALSE. } } The truth behind [ so to speak ] belly button lint is known only to } a select few Zen programmers. After writing a C program, you must } assume the position for zazen and `become the program'. Let your mind } open and fill with the lines and lines of C code that you have just } written. Relax. Breathe. In through the nose - out through the mouth. } Don't forget to breathe; it is very important. Once your mind has } attained the proper state, stare into your navel and ponder your C } program. You will find that an awareness will come over you - an } awareness of the features of your C code that are likely to be bugs, } to be non-portable or to be inefficient. Yes, the simple truth is that } your belly button is a lint compiler. } } For the answer above, you owe the Oracle a UNIX man page. And now on } to the interesting question - uses for the nub at the end of a banana: } } According to Lisa, the net.sex.goddess, the nub at the end of a banana } may be used to M'YV01N2\:0-"3IHQ94*,F>.B#ITR < CARRIER LOST > --- 183-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hypothetically speaking, how may I topple the priesthood and omniscient > body of a group giving answers to questions and replace it with my > own Marxist-Leninist regime? I would appreciate an answer that involves > no personal risk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle refuses to answer this question on the grounds that the } answer may damage his omnipresence and supreme influence. } } You owe the Oracle some peace of mind. --- 183-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have this plastic windup sushi at home. No, really! It > looks like a slice of egg omelette on top of a bed of rice > with a strip of seaweed on top. You wind it up and it > wizzes around the table, doing little pirouettes every few > seconds. Apparently you are supposed to hide it amongst > real sushi so it will move when someone removes the piece > next to it, it will move away. What happens if someone > chooses the plastic one first I don't know, but I dare say > you could end up with quite a nasty personal damages claim > on you hands. Anyway, my flatmate picks it up and says "I > really like this" and sets it moving across the floor, while > he just stares at it. So, oh wise Oracle, my question is > this "Should I move out?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle takes this as a sign that your flatmate desparately wants to } have an affair with you. Playing with another persons sushi is no small } matter. Ask yourself if you are ready for this kind of intimacy. If } not, then you should find someone else to play with your sushi. --- 183-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is fatigue, really? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 183-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most Vice, why is the 'n' key so **** close to 'j'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are WRONG, tesseract-breath! } } The 'n' and 'j' keys on your keyboard are actually 12,003,426 nautical } miles apart. This is due to the fact that there is a microscopic } black hole situated in your keyboard between the letters 'j' and 'h'. } } Due to super-string interaction, this event will disappear when the } event horizon for this super-string is reshaped as its current } configuration reaches maximum entropy. This will occur in 18.5 } trillion years. } } You owe The Oracle _The Dictionary of Modern Physics_, a new } keyboard, and a can of Silly String.