From kinzler Mon Jun 25 15:42:42 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 25 Jun 90 15:38:48 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #172 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 172 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #172 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 25 Jun 90 15:38:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 167 10 votes 41221 02341 01531 11260 02611 13132 02620 02440 11431 11422 167 3.2 mean 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.3 3.1 3.2 3.0 3.2 3.2 3.3 --- 172-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most fragrant, whose knowledge is so incredibly great that you > even understand women, please please answer this question: > Why is it that most prejudices about women seem to state the exact > opposite of the real situation? I mean, in my experience talk less than > men (at least in mixed company - I obviously have no experience with > all-female groups), they are far more practically minded, they show more > physical courage and so on. > True, as for their attitude on sex I'm not so sure: they do seem to pick > their mates rather according to social status and the size of their > income, rather than good looks, which is according to the going > prejudice but on the other hand fits in nicely with a supposedly more > practical mind (which goes to show that at least one of the prejudices > must be wrong). And it may be that they are less interested in sex than > men, but I'm not too sure about that either. Maybe they're just not > interested in sex with *me*. > Please explain all this to me, dear Oracle, for I'm very puzzled. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has been female as well as male, and can answer your } question. Women do in fact gossip more than men do in groups ot one } sex, but not much more. Gossip is a _human_ trait, not specifically a } female one. } } Whence the stereotypes? The Oracle thinks that it's envy and wishful } thinking on the part of men, which, until modern feminists so foolishly } gave the game away, women humored and allowed to remain untouched. } Women are much more practical than men. Because they are usually } smaller and have much less physical strength than men (testosterone sure } makes for powerful muscles), the practical women of years past let the } men do all the heavy, dull, and over-specialized work. Therefore men } ended up doing most of the heavy labor, almost all the fighting, almost } all the governing and plotting. Meanwhile, crafty women manipulated } everything behind the scenes, and _generalized_. A "housewife" is } teacher, nurse, cook, artist, designer, business manager (often), and so } on; a "working man" spends 40 hours or more every week doing the same } dull, plodding, repetitive work. } } "But women need EMPOWERMENT!" cry the feminists. Stupid, ignorant, } unobservant fools. Any woman worthy of the name has at least her } husband completely under her thumb, and utter control of her household, } not to mention the first shot at molding the minds and characters of her } children. That's near-complete power over at least one other person, } and possibly a dozen. How many average men can aspire to that? } } "But women are OPPRESSED and DEPRIVED of OPPORTUNITIES to REALIZE their } INTELLECTUAL POTENTIALS!" cry the feminists again. Yeah, used to be } that way...still is, to a degree. But what's happening now is a great } decrease in the average woman's authority and influence, just so that a } few high- flyers can lower themselves to the status of men. Ever } noticed how utterly terrifying and perfectionistic most women become } when they learn to excel in what's traditionally a man's job? Female } doctors and scientists are usually monomaniacal, equipped with the } killer instinct, and veru competent but utterly nasty professionally. } They are unholy terrors, channeling all of their generalist talents into } one narrow field, trying to crush their eclectic female natures into a } narrow masculinity. } } Anyhow, women have longer lives, better health, fewer genetic diseases } (2 X chromosomes, remember), innate practicality, and a talent for the } general rather than the specific. Apart from (arguably) the last of } these, and physical strength, they are superior to men. --- 172-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the Great Sheep truly going to come for me, as was promised by > Burpendicula the Prophet long ages ago? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can it be?!?!?! Yes it is! The last believer of the Great Sheep } religion. I thought I had exterminated all of them. Well, I can fix } that. } First I'll get 'em scared. } [Rumble of thunder] } Then impress 'em with a light show. } [lightning flashes] } Now the good stuff! } [Constant sound of shelling, gun fire, exploding bombs, followed by a } single ear shattering sound of an atomic bomb] } That takes care of him! } Next question. --- 172-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose praises are chanted by dolts, please answer me a > question: > > What does the SE in Mac SE stand for? > > We have worked out that > (1) the '+' in 'Mac +' comes from "+ (-1) disk drive" and > (2) 'Mac' stands for "Machine Always Crashes" > > But is it true that 'SE' stands for "System Error"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } Close, but no. } } Mac stands for Macintosh: a piece of fruit that's fresh and shiney the } day you take it home, but which immediately begins to rot in open air, } turning to a brown gooey mass covered in fungus, flies, and manuals. } } The '+' stands for 'plus whatever-else-you-need-to-run-it,' which can } include such Apple peripherals as a keyboard, CPU, screen, and if you're } lucky, even a mouse (all cost you extra, of course). } } Now, the 'SE,' although 'System Error' is a very compatable responce, } stands for 'Super Expensive,' which, if you go down to your local Apple } dealer, will be immediately apparent upon your viewing of the basic list } price. } } I might also add that the Mac II name is representative of it being } twice as expensive as any other Mac; the 'x' in the Mac IIx stands for } 'extremely' expensive, and so on. } } You owe the Oracle Steve Jobs' head on a 3 1/2" diskette. --- 172-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would you do if your name were Gomez? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not another "Gomez" question. Alas, give the masses access to the } timeless wisdom of omnipotence and do they ask how to turn lead into } gold? or how to feed the hungry? or how to live a more fulfilling } life? nay, they ask what we would do if we were named Gomez. How } poetic. } } But such is the fate of an oracle. Along with knowing all comes the } horrifying realization that the universe is comprised of .00000001% } mass, .000000001% space, and 99.99999999999% stupidity. } } In protest, we reluctantly answer your question: } } 1) I would change my driver's license, bank accounts, forms } of ID, and all legal papers to reflect this name "Gomez" } 2) I would no longer answer when addressed, as I usually am, } "Oh magnificent ORACLE, Boon of mankind", but would } crane my neck whenever the address "yo Gomez" is overheard. } 3) I would change the Usenet software to read Usenet Gomez } and occasionally post Usenet Gomezularities on rec.humor. } 4) Change my name to Auzvauhd. --- 172-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who could ask for anything more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ongo-Bagoonda, Hyper-Ape of the Belgian Congo, asked for, in addition, } the following items: } } 1. The diamond banana held in the left hand of the statue of the great } god Oolbob, in the temple of the Extremely Dismal Miasma, which is } guarded by fourty thousand drug-crazed millionaires, hidden somewhere } in the heart of darkest Richmond, Va. } } 2. A Cray VI/51 XMUMP PIGWASH computer, capable of calculating the } distance from the Earth to the navel of the great god Groonpoo in } less than 1.41 nanoseconds. } } 3. You. Boiled in a delicate cilantro-eggplant sauce, garnished with } petites pois en beurre-blanc and pommes de terre Duchesse. } } 4. A monumental compendium of recent research on the topic of } stress-resistant paperweights and maraschino cherries. } } 5. The horrible mask of the dread god Cthulhu, which it is death to } behold, which he left behind in his hotel room on his last trip to } Disneyland. } } 6. One (1) amusement park for unused spermatozooa. } } 7. One (1) "Fry-as-you-die" combination sandwich-grill and suicide } machine, as advertised on national television by complete and utter } maniacs. } } 8. Three (3) identical yet unique feathers from the Mong-Mong bird, } which is completely featherless and furthermore subsists on a diet } of beets and eggplant, and therefore will kill any loveworthy human } being (or lemur) who approaches it. } } You owe the Oracle: } } 1. A ticket to St. Louis and back which will give me enough time to } render both my lover and myself completely stiff and exhausted, but } still leave us enough time to have complete lives. } } 2. The head of Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevski, on an exquisitely-glazed } porcelain platter made in the Han Dynasty by imported Norwegian } goldfish. } } 3. A sixteen-foot-long boa constrictor. } } 4. Pope John Igor II's latest book, "My Favorite Blasphemies." } } 5. The device which Dan Quayle's advisors use to simulate intelligence } in his public appearances. The Boracle has been acting up again, and } it's time to lobotimize it. --- 172-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how come I'm just so much better at guitar than paul? Is it because > he's cursed with the mopfro? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paul, despite his flaws, has the soul of a true artist. He also has the } heart of a young child, the phallus of a superb lover, the breasts of a } sex queen, and the spleen of an honest politician. They are preserved } in formaldehyde and kept in jars inside of his guitar. They do horrible } things to its acoustics. This is why he sounds so bad. } } The mopfro has nothing to do with it. } } The Oracle has oracoralocred. You owe the Oracle sixteen newt eyes. --- 172-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (There is a (man) holding a ((gun) to my head) and (forcing (me) > to actually do ((work) during company time)). (I've (tricked him) right > now)( I told him (I'm) (programming in LISP)). (Who (is this(man)))??. > ((Help) me quickly, (I) think (he's) catching on...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (He is (just ((your conscience) who (is (troubling you (because (you } do ((not work) during (company time))))))))) } } You should try to get back to work, and he will disappear. } } You owe the Oracle an English to Lithp tranthlator. --- 172-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm not good at reading lips, what did Geogre say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not so great at reading lips myself, but here's what I read: } } "Behold! I am the Supreme Ruler of all wombats. Even the mighty Poodle } of Neptune, whose every passing whim becomes reality, must bow down and } worship me. The secrets of the universe are as an open book unto me; } yea, I know the recipe for Coca-Cola and the combination to your gym } locker, and if you vote for me not, I shall reveal unto the world just } what you did with Biffy and Muffy and poor little Barker-Spot." --- 172-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, on the net, > Who is the woman the most wet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nerdy hacker, small of brain, } She's the one out in the rain! --- 172-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best cure for depression? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } that's an easy one! } } 1. Never eat anything but ramen noodles. } 2. Go to sleep five hours after your bedtime every night. Sleep three } hours less than you need to. } 3. Redecorate your apartment with dripping purple wallpaper and phallic } fungi in the corners. } 4. Date lots of slimy people. When they piss you off, try to get your } real lover to comfort you without getting him pissed at you for } dating other people. } 5. Grab that nasty poodle which barks at all hours of the day and night } from nextdoor, and make it into poodle spaghetti sauce. } 6. Reread _the Lord of the Rings_, looking for ripoffs from the Elder } Edda and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. } 7. Join the New Reformed First and To Date Only Church of Our Lady of } Perpetual Motion. } 8. Re-learn integral calculus. Set the major theorems to music. } 9. Hack your system's newsreader so that it prints all periods at the } end of sentences as exclamation points! Or, better yet, so that it } turns them that way on outgoing messages, but leaves them unchanged } inside! } } You owe the Oracle a happy life for yourself -- the Oracle really gets } off on other people being happy. But you also owe the Oracle a video of } yourself being happy, and and a big-screen VCR and a bottle of cheap } vodka, so that the oracle can watch the videotape and play with itself.