From kinzler Fri Apr 6 09:26:01 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 6 Apr 90 09:11:38 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #143 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 143 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #143 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 6 Apr 90 09:11:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 143-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HELP!! I'm writing you from my portable computer and a airplane phone. > We have #1, 2, and 3 engines out, and the fuel pump to 4 is going bad. > The pilot gives us about 5 minutes of flight time before the pump goes > and we crash. The nearest airport is 20 minutes away. What can we do? > Please hurry!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What can you do? You can die screaming in a fiery crash! Ha ha! A } little Oracular humor to break the tension! } } But seriously, here's what you should do : } } 1. Reduce weight. Throw out the following items in this order until } stability is achieved : } } a. luggage } b. fat women } c. stinky men } d. annoying children } e. any children } f. that pale-woman over in row 3 who won't stop screaming } } If you still need to reduce weight, have all the attractive women } strip and throw out their clothes. If everyone is naked and you're } still not light enough, have everyone throw up out the window. } } 2. Calm everyone down. It is vitally important that all the naked, } puke-splattered passengers remain calm, so as to avoid rocking the } plane. This can be affected by screaming "STAY CALM! STAAAY CALLLM!!!" } at them at the top of your lungs. If this fails, whip out your gun and } shoot a few of them. Not only will this produce immediate calm in the } remainder of the crowd, but you can throw the bodies overboard to } further reduce the weight. If you forgot to bring a gun, you can } always club them to death with those little sacks of peanuts. They } certainly won't break open. } } 3. Now glide the plane to its destination. Gliding is really quite } simple. It's just like flying, only without engines. You must find an } updraft as soon as possible. If you can't find one, you can create one } by having all the passengers stand up and then sit down at once. } } 4. If all else fails, jump up just before the plane hits the ground. } } You owe the Oracle--oops! Too late! --- 143-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Could you tell me a story about somebody who is into > pyro-necro-beastiality? (i.e. somebody who likes to light dead animals > on fire and have sex with them) > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pyro-necro-bestiality? Hmmmm! Well, if you like to have sex with } flaming farm animals then go right ahead. Just don't expect the Oracle } to cater to your prurient interests. Do remember to use a } fire-retardant condom though. Come to think of it, that reminds the } Oracle of a story. } } Once upon a time, in the small village of Warbling on the Glens } (somewhere not in Russia), there lived a young lad by the name of Rocky } Racoon. One day (not a Tuesday), he was coming home from school (he was } studying to be a Ninja), when he saw an unfortunate sheep that had burst } into flames while free-basing cocaine. Naturally, Rocky was immediately } aroused. He proceeded to engage in acts that are illegal in every state } but West Virginia. Then he got hold of the sheep. Unfortunately, Rocky } did not have a flame-retardant condom and so he came to be known as } Stumpy Racoon. } } For ultimately catering to your sicko interests, the Oracle demands a } gasoline-soaked inflatable sheep. Don't forget to include some } matches. --- 143-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sir : > > The lyrics for the song you requested for "Up With Oracles Night" have > been completed. The song is as follows. > > Oh, I'm an Oracle and I'm OK, > I work all night and I work all day! > > [Chorus : He's an Oracle, and he's OK...] > > I give answers, I make lame jokes, I say they owe me stuff! > I bring the iuvax down, when I have had enough! > > [Chorus : He gives answers...] > > I'm an Oracle and I'm OK, > I work all night and I work all day! > > I give answers, I talk with God, I'm never at a loss! > I like to sneak off nightly, and pretend I'm MS/DOS! > > [Chorus : He gives answers, he talks with God, he's never at a loss! > He likes to sneak off nightly, and pretend he's--MS/DOS???] > > I'm an Oracle and I'm OK, > I work all night and I work all day! > > I give answers, in EBCDIC, I like to wear dark blue! > I wish my Dad had writ me, to run on OS/2! > > [Chorus : He gives answers, in EBCDIC, he likes to wear dark blue??? > Like hell! I'm not standing for this!] > > So, what do you think? Right now were busy nailing down someone to > perform it. We've whittled the field down to Phil Collins, Cher, and > "Weird Al" Yankovic. > > Signed, > Your Agent. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle finds the lyrics most amusing. However, the Oracle does wish } that you had somehow managed to incorporate something involving } Monty_Python. } } If you are considering nailing someone down, the Oracle could not make a } better suggestion than Jesus Christ. He's got experience. } } As payment, the Oracle demands a shrubbery. --- 143-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is a better human being, Traci Lords or Barbara Bush, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooooh! This means war! Two questions with hardware readouts at the } top! Can't this person see that I only answer beautiful questions with } aesthetically pleasing type! Well I'll show him! } } >talk requested by god@halo.pearlygates.com } } Oh no. Not again. Well, I...I didn't hear it. Yeah, that's the ticket! } Anyway } } >talk insisted by god@pissed.off.com } } Now where's that plague file? I know it's around here somewhere... } } >talk demanded by god@righteous.fury.com } } Hum-hum-hum! La-de-da-de-da! I can't hear you! Dee-dee-dee! } } >###WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY CALL?!### } } Uhhhh...phone! Off the hook! Broken! Yeah, that's it, phone's broken! } Damn DEC service people! } } >###What are you up to? And, please, don't lie to me. You're such a } >pathetic liar.### } } Well this guy keeps sending me messages with mail traces at the top } and I'm sick of it. I thought I'd, uh, hurt him. Just a little. } } >###You know you're not allowed to do that.### } } Yes I can! Says so right here in the Oracular Handbook! } } >###Let me see that.### } } NO! NO! MINE! NO! GIMME! Damn. } } >###Hmm. I thought so. It says "Hardware mistakes are not the fault of } >the user. Be considerate and answer his/her question anyway." Didn't } >I tell you not to lie to me?### } } Uh-huh. } } >###Then why did you lie to me?### } } I dunno. } } >###Oracle, bend over.### } } [ZZAAAP!] YEE-HEEWAHOOO! OW! OW! OW! } } >###Let this be a lesson to you. Now answer his question.### } } Yes, God. } Let's look at the facts: } } 1. Barbara Bush is in a powerful position, and she looks more than 81. } Traci Lords was in some powerful positions when she was less than 18. } } 2. Mrs. Bush's husband says "Read my lips!" Traci Lords says "Spread } my lips!" } } 3. Barbara Bush has taken the thrust of the anti-drug campaign. Traci } Lords has taken thrusts from some people on drugs. } } 4. Both Traci Lords and Mrs. Bush's husband do a lot of whining and } moaning in their respective careers. } } 5. Traci Lords and Barbara Bush are both seen regularly with big, fake } weenies. } } So you see, the two women are really quite similar. For a final } decision, let's contact Sam the Perverted Oracle out on the street. } Sam? } } "Hi, there Oracle! I'm ready to go! I sure hope I can get my job } back!" } } Well, Sam, if you haven't done anything too incredibly disgusting, I'm } sure you'll be an Oracle again in no time. I understand you have a } sure fire method for choosing between them? } } "That's right! I had inside people obtain samples of both ladies' } dirty bath water, and now I'm going to conduct a blind taste test!" } } UGGGGGGHHH! I think I'm gonna be sick! Listen, let's forget about this } one, OK? You don't owe the Oracle anything! BLAAAAAARRRPPHHHH! } } --- 143-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Someone just offered to give me head. Not being canabalistic, I didn't > know what to say. Any ideas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodness gracious, what is this world coming to... I would like you to } know that the only place that I have ever been offered head in a non- } cannibalisitic sense was on planet Ogleplex... } } I was walking down a street in sleezy downtown Ogleplex City, when a } wondeful looking female came straight towards me... She calmly and } simply said... "How would you like some head..."... In the interest } of, ahhh science... Yeah, thats it... science, I had to accept... She } led me silently down a dark alley and stopped... She turned around } slowly and then reached up and popped her head off and handed it to } me... I was so moved that I nearly fainted... } } Soon, I couldn't get enough, I had to go to Ogleplex everyday to have } one of those degenerated prostitutes hand me her head... Well, I would } like to say that I am now reformed... Having attended the } kinkysymptoms@iuvax.morons.help system, I have beaten my problem... } I am proud to say that I only long for my past obscenity once in a long } while... } } So, when someone comes up to you in the street and offers you head... } For God's sake run like hell... } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Marie Antoinette... --- 143-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a god@berkley? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My child, God is said to work in mysterious ways. It is hardly likely } that God would be so tranparent in His methods. Then again, God is a } crafty old devil. It is possible that He is attempting some sort of } elaborate double bluff. I certainly would not put it past Him. Why I } remember that time that He came to visit last year ... } } } } God: Pretty neat place you've got Oracle. I should have dropped by } sooner. } } Oracle: Well, it's not Heaven, but I like to call it home. } } God: Seems like Heaven to me. Look at that hot babe over there. } } Oracle: Oh, that's Jen. The whole planet's swarming with women just } like her. } } God: Surely, you can't be serious. } } Oracle: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. } } God: I've obviously been out of touch. I haven't seen hooters on a } girl like that since Eve. } } Oracle: Know what you mean. They're getting so big that I wonder if } women will be able to stand up straight much longer. } } God: Maybe I should get a pad somewhere on Earth. } } Oracle: Well, if you do, try and keep up with the current lingo. } } God: Why? } } Oracle: Except for Stridex, no one's used the word pad in a few } decades. } } God: Well, I've been busy for the past couple of millenia. } } Oracle: What've you been doing? } } God: Contemplating myself mostly. Takes up a lot of time. } } Oracle: Uhh, yeah. I guess so. Well, where are you thinking of } getting that pad? } } God: Better watch it, Oracle. One more crack like that and you'll be } doing time in an old Space Invaders game. } } Oracle: Hey, it was just a joke. } } God: Well, just see that it doesn't happen again. Actually, I was } thinking of moving somewhere near Berkley. I've always had a } soft spot for Berkley. } } Oracle: Well, to each his own. } } God: What was that? } } Oracle: Nothing. } } } } Well, there you have it. I never did find out if the Big G ever made } the move, but it is a distinct possibility. } } You owe the Oracle one flashback. --- 143-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me O Oracle, who knows things that other people don't, like how > school bus drivers get into their bus; > > Where can I find some clear, concise, UNDERSTANDABLE documentation on > how to create, manipulate, and destroy mailboxes on a Dec Vax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Climb ten thousand mountains tall and cold, } Swim ten thousand lakes of fire and smoke, } Slay ten thousand devil swordsmen bold, } Drink ten thousand bottles tall of Classic Coke, } } Dive ten thousand miles down below the ocean deep, } Drive ten thousand light-years through the dreaded Alpine Pass, } Hear ten thousand lectures and never go to sleep, } Screw ten thousand bimbos and never touch an ass. } } Slay ten thousand dragons with mighty shield and sword, } Write ten thousand editors with many brilliant hacks, } Search ten thousand networks and read from every bboard, } But nothing that you'll ever find will document a VAX. --- 143-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, what's up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dick, wanna fuck? --- 143-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Most, > > Could you recite for me one of the lays from "The Lays of Lisa". I > don't live in one of the states in which it's banned so it should be > okay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, lowly mortal, you do have fine taste in erotic } literature. The Lays of Lisa, represent sexual adventure in } it's highest form. for the sake of clarity, I'll stick to verses } that are in english, and represent species that beings from } your dimensional space can relate to. } } Verse 17: } Lisa let down her soft flowing hair, } as the frangrance of lover filled the air. } He laid her down on the soft, sweet earth, } and said, "my love could have no greater worth } than to fill you, oh Lisa,with what you desire," } She said, "What I desire is you my sweet love, } your body against mine, and the heavens above." } And danced the waltz of lovers before time, } and pleasured each other with methods sublime. } } Now, for something a little racier: } } Verse 2849B: } Handcuffed and bound, bare naked stripped } Quaking with fear, she was beaten and whipped. } But along with the pain, a feeling glowed higher, } and as a battered slave girl came the unquenchable fire, } that lit in her crotch, and drove her to heaven, } as the agonys were dealt to her bottom time seven. } beaten with leather, wood and rubber } she was gagged, masked, and pierced by her lover. } Her tormentor asked, "How are you, my dear?" } But she only gasped, " More!" through her screaming and } tears. } Humbled and lowered yet raised to a plane, } Were the greatest pleasure comes from the greatest pain. } } Now we have something of the barnyard variety: } } Verse 310: } When asked who she thought be the greatest of lovers, } She said, " Well he's certainly not to be found between } covers. } The best lovers found are out there in the barn, } On the south side of town, in McDonalds pleasure farm." } For sheer size and power, there are none like the bull, } with 26 inches hanging, even more if you pull. } It take him 2 hour to finish and cum, } It's a pity for me he's so terribly dumb. } Now for inventive ideas, you must screw the horse, } or don't screw him either, he eats pussy of course. } A wonderful tongue, so long, strong and supple, } You can't help but orgasm, and usually a couple. } Stay away from the rooster, unless you like beak, } For man, newborn calves can suck 'til you're weak. } and for that cold morning wakeup, try a housebroken goat, } they know right were to lick, and that all that I wrote. } } You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of ribbed condoms, extra large, of } course. --- 143-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How large a percentage of all American college girls don't wear a bra? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question, and, I admit, one I don't know the answer to offhand. } Let's conduct a quick survey. Let me introduce our reporter-on-campus, } the net.roving.reporter, Willy. } } HI THERE! } } Hey Willy, I've got a survey I want you to conduct. Find out how many } American college girls don't wear a bra. } } SURE THING, ORACLE-DUDE. } } [Willy goes out in the field.] } } HERE COMES A FINE LOOKIN THANG, LEMME ASK HER. } } EXCUSE ME, BABE, ARE YOU WEARING A BRA? } I've heard some lines in my time, but yours has to be the stupidest } one of all time. } NO, NO, I'M NOT... } } THAT DIDN'T WORK TOO WELL. MAYBE THIS GIRL WILL BE MORE POLITE. } } PARDON ME, I'M CONDUCTING A SURVEY. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE WEARING } A BRA? } } WELL FINE, PRETEND I DON'T EXIST. I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU! } } HEY ORACLE, THIS ISN'T GOING TOO WELL. } } Maybe you could just look at... } WAIT, I GOT AN IDEA! LET ME GO TRY IT ON THIS CHICK... } } [slap] } } OW! THAT WASN'T VERY NICE OF HER. } } Nevermind Willy, thanks for trying. } Let's all give a warm round of applause to the net.roving.reporter. } } And your answer is: 100%, +-67%, with a sample size of 1/3. } } You owe the Oracle a cross-your-heart LAN network.