From kinzler Thu Apr 5 23:43:05 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 5 Apr 90 23:18:46 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #142 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 142 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #142 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 5 Apr 90 23:18:46 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 142-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does BITNET work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, the bits go here and the bits go there, } and the bits get into my lover's hair, } and the bits are cooked 'till they are rare, } and that's how it goes on BITNET. } } Oh, the bits go in and the bits go out, } And they splash around like a drunken trout } That's swimming up a waterspout, } And that's how it goes on BITNET. } } Oh, the bits go off and the bits go on, } And the bits swim around like a potted prawn, } Until their souls are completely gone, } And that's how it goes on BITNET. --- 142-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, is she going to come up and visit me this weekend, > and if not, why? (I know answering two questions is not your usual > policy, but could you make an exception in this case? I'm desperate!!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm afraid that she isn't going to visit you. Why not? Well, you } must know by now that women never do anything for just one reason. So } here are the } } TOP TEN REASONS SHE WILL NOT COME UP AND VISIT YOU THIS WEEKEND } } 10. Doesn't want to miss the "My Favorite Martian" festival } 9. That last vat of pickles threatened to haunt her if she didn't } stay home and eat it } 8. The weather's "poopy" } 7. She's seeing how long she can grow her nostril hairs and doesn't } want to cut them yet } 6. She thinks you've found out about her extra breast } 5. Someone has to tell the world that Steinbrenner sucks! } 4. Can't sleep until she finishes that Garfield needlepoint } 3. Haven't you ever had the urge to stay home, dress up like Deborah } Norville, and roll in peanut butten for two days? } 2. She and her girlfriends are going to a bar to watch guys dance who } have dicks twice as long as yours } } And the number one reason she will not come up and visit you... } } 1. As she opens the door, she will be eaten by a large lion } } You owe the Oracle a Stupid Human Trick. --- 142-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and noble and wow Oracle, what if the gigantic fault line I'm > sitting on should erupt? What then, O Big One? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know, offhand. Let's find out. } } oracle@iuvax> rlogin earth.sol.mlkway.uni -l root } Password: } # } } Okay, hmm. What magnitude shall I pick...oh, I guess a 9 or so will do. } } # quake -m9.3 } } Okay, let me just check this output...uh huh...okay...hmm...yep, just } as I expected. } } So, here's what would happen if that faultline erupted...hello? Hello? --- 142-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that you can't live with 'em, and can't live without 'em? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's why you can't live with 'em: } 1. They tear up everything you own. } 2. They eat your plants. } 3. They leave pornographic magazines in the bathroom when your parents } or employers come to visit. } 4. They emit a sulpherous smell which soon begins to permeate everything } you own. } 5. They get you pregnant. } 6. They stay up late at night, singing Verdi operas and consuming mass } quantities of vodka and gatorate. When you try to shut them up, they } curl up and sit in your lap and nuzzle you and look very very cute. } 7. They kill undergraduates and drag them in and leave them on your } doorstep, as a sort of friendship offering. } 8. They like to write to major political figures, challenging their } fundamental beliefs and campaign promises and threatening them with } everything from blackmail to neutron bombs in their backyards. Then } the FBI comes after you. } 9. They order "things" from "mail order companies". Then they refuse to } tell you what they are. } 10. They run around the house, pretending to be trucks or blind } elephants or prime ministers or something equally moronic, } blundering into your personal possessions and wreacking havoc. } 11. They ooze under your door at night and creep into your bed. (cf. 5). } } Here's why you can't live without 'em: } } 1. Whenever you try to order sushi without one, you cannot figure out } what the names are, the waiters won't tell you, and you end up } chewing unhappily on huge platters of rubbery abalone, squid, and } condoms. } 2. They are the only things in the world capable of doing your laundry. } 3. Whenever you aren't living with one of them, real estate brokers } plague you incessantly, calling at all hours of the day and night, } asking you to buy condos in places with names like "Gelatin Manor", } and "Kenotokee Estate". (You looked up Kenotokee and it means } "Doesn't stink so much any more." in Cherokee.) } 4. Once, when you hadn't so much as been in the same room with one for } two months, you actually bought a condo in Kenotokee Estate. Now } you're wondering just how much it stank before, considering how bad } it is now. } 5. When they're away, you find yourself playing video games and eating } twinkies soaked in beer 'till four in the morning all the time. You } don't even like twinkies soaked in beer. Then when you go to sleep } the real estate brokers call you again. } } So, I think you get the picture. } } You owe me (1) one of them, and (2) an eviction notice for said one, } with the date left blank. --- 142-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Most, > > Could you recite for me one of the lays from "The Lays of Lisa". I > don't live in one of the states in which it's banned so it should be > okay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, you have caught Me during one of my visits to Missouri, } where everything is illegal. I can't remember much of it, but I'll } try... } } I sing a song of Lisa fair! } The girl with satin underwear. } Her charms are clear for all to see } But she only has eyes for me, Me, ME! } } Her ears belong to Jimmy Dean, } A homeless shepherd guards her spleen, } Osiris owns her milky thighs } (Don't challenge him, it isn't wise) } Her lips are claimed by Julia Child } Her tits drive Zarathustra wild! } The Seven Dwarves all claim her ass, } Her clit is kept by Philip Glass, } At each full moon she gives her cunt } To Sweet Diana of the Hunt. } } And Mike Dukakis licks her toes } As Reagan palms her tender nose } And in the back is poor Dan Quayle } Trying hard to find her tail! } } But don't think this my sex life wrecks, } For I'm enthralled with eyeball sex! } Eyebrows, eyelids, all for me! } Those glossy orbs through which you see, } My favorite part of low-born sluts, } They're often served with gopher guts! } I'm never jealous of Osiris } 'Cause I've got rights to Lisa's iris! } Nothing else could make me hornier } Than just a glimpse of well formed cornea! } } (I leave you with this epithet: } Try to be happy with what you can get.) --- 142-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the first name of the cute girl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, that question needs some interpretation... Which cute girl do you } mean? } } Being omniscient, I of course know that you mean the cute girl who's } sitting three terminals away from you, playing xconq. Also, I can tell } you that knowing her first name is a great idea: If you walk up to her } within the next forty minutes and casually say `Hi, [ first name } inserted ]', she'll start wondering where she's met you before. This } will preoccupy her mind to the extent that she won't even notice the } big, hulky guy from the football team she'll meet in the corridor on her } way out. She'll continue thinking about you for the next two weeks, and } she'll end up deeply in love with you. Congratulations! } } If, however, you don't do this, she won't take notice of you and will } instead fall in love with, marry and bear the eight children of the } football guy in the corridor. } } So I can understand that you want to know her first name. And of course } I, the omniscient Oracle, knows it. } } But - } } since you omitted the usual grovelling at the beginning of your question } (such as `Oh Oracle, whose boots I am not worthy to lick...'), and since } you omitted a lot of relevant information, such as *which* cute girl of } all the 734,987,666 cute girls in the world you meant, from your } question (that cost me two CPU minutes to find out! I really don't like } smart-alecks like you that rely too heavily on my omniscience. Let me } state once and for all that *all* relevant *must* be given together with } the question), you've managed to piss me off quite a bit. } } So, since you apparently feel that I, who really have more important } things to do [Yes, Lisa, I'll be with you in a few minutes!] should } spend my valuable time finding out things which you could have told me } directly instead, I think I'll let you taste your own medicine. } } Here are the names of all the cute girls in the world (734,987,666 of } them, to be exact). The name you're looking for is among them. You'll } just have to find it. Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle some more respect. } } ~r cute.girls.first.names } ========= LIST OF CUTE GIRLS STARTS HERE ================= } } Lisa, Alice, Jill, Hetty, Elaine, Caroline, Cathy, Helen, Helga, Anna, } Gertrude, Elizabeth, Marie, } } [ The rest of this list has been edited out to save your disk quota. It } will be mailed to you as soon as you've persuaded the system admin- } istrators to give you 2 Gigabytes more quota. } What? They won't? Oh, but surely that's your problem, not mine. ] --- 142-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Inform me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of > knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what > is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that > when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *** We're sorry, the Oracle is not in right now. Here to take his } place is the Auto-Oracle server program. This is only a beta } version, so it's running in debug mode. Please report all bugs to } the Oracle. } > Inform me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of } > knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what } > is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that } > when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction? } } %% 3 poorly constructed compliments found } %% Compliment type: Thinly veiled derogatory } %% Error: squiirting not found } %% Spelling correction: squiirting -> squirting } %% Catsup: Concept loading... done. } %% Stepping: Concept loading... done. } %% Inference: Packet of catsup, stepping on it... done. } %% Squirt in proper direction: Loading concept... done. } %% Inference: Proper direction will cause maximum embarassment } %% Parsed question: How should a catsup packet be set up so someone } stepping on it suffers maximum embarassment? } %% Additional info: Murphy's law, practical jokes, } %% Marijuana joint: Loading... smoking... stoned. } } Catsup packets are a manifestation of basic jape & Murphy's law. } The catsup packet, when stepped on, will squirt in a lateral } direction, depositing its contents on passersby. The catsup will } not land on the person stepping on it, but rather on other people. } This may lead to fisticuffs but not really to embarassment. } } You owe yourself a spelling checker. --- 142-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise, and Genius Oracle: > Could you please, please enlighten me to a most pressing question of > this era. > > How could the Creator, in all his/her/it's infinite wisdom create > Dick Vitale? Is Vitale the anti-christ? Is Vitale's purpose to > dispel the myth that ugly people don't shatter cameras? Is his > purpose to make every basketball fan feel smarter than TV announcers? > What's the deal here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heh, heh. This is kind of embarrassing. It seems that Dick Vitale is my } fault. } } You see, a long time ago the Oracle would occasionally hold the } Oracular Sweepstakes. Anyone who asked a question would automatically } be entered, and the winner was allowed to be anything he wanted to be. } Unfortunately, the winners failed miserably at their new jobs. Here are } some examples of past winners: } } Winner What he/she wanted to be } ------ ------------------------ } Millard Fillmore America's most beloved president } Rob Lowe Teenage heartthrob (he got the "throb" } right) } Torquemada Messenger of Christian love and } understanding to the people of Spain } Yoko Ono John Lennon's wife } Bella Abzug Sexiest congresswoman in U.S. history } Dan Quayle Coherent } Marie Antoinette A woman a few pounds lighter and a foot } shorter } George Burns Dead } } As you can see, all of these people were utter failures at their new } posts, and pressure was put on the Oracle to discontinue the } Sweepstakes. When Dick "Mr. Uggo 1967" was the winner and elected to } become a sportscaster, it was the last straw. } } Dick Vitale is not the anti-christ, he's just ugly and stupid. This is } not to say that Old Scratch doesn't have his hand in sportscating. Oh, } no! THE ANTI-CHRIST IS FERDIE^C --- 142-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the movie "I Love You to Death" worth seeing? I heard from my school > newspaper that it was funny but without substance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's really a matter of opinion, wouldn't you agree? And since *I* } can't think of anything to say, why don't we just run a few personality } simulators, and find out what *they* think about it. } } % simulate -psiskel,ebert -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: siskel (reviewer) } loading: ebert (reviewer) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Siskel: Our next film is a new release, titled "I Love You to Death". } This is the latest film from director Lawrence Kasdan, and } featuring the impressive talents of Kevin Kline, William Hurt } and Tracey Ullman. Here's a clip in which the hero, Joey } Boca, played by Kline, is being chased by a would-be assailant, } played by Ullman. } } [insert movie clip here] } } Heh heh heh...that's a wonderful scene, and this is a wonderful } movie; it's extremely funny. This sort of film is the reason } I'm a film critic. I had a wonderful time, and I think you will } too. A definite thumbs up! } } Ebert: Well, Gene, I have to agree with you that "I Love You to Death" } is funny, but I don't think that makes up for the film's apalling } lack of substance. For example, in the } ^C } } Okay, well, that simulation wasn't a particularly interesting one. } Maybe another one would work out better. } } % simulate -pdebbie-gibson,nietzsche -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: debbie-gibson (singer) } loading: nietzsche (philosopher) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Gibson: Wow! "I Love You to Death" is a terriffic movie! I thought } it was, like, really *funny* and everything! I think I'll } write a song about it! While I do that, you want to talk or } anything, Nitzy? } } Nietzsche: Funny? Perhaps. But what does that mean in the face of the } endless void in which Mankind lives? Cannot one expect } *substance* in a film? Does not } ^C } } *Sigh*. That one wasn't working either. Maybe I should take a } different approach... } } % simulate -phelms,tipper -sdesert-island -m"I Love You to Death" } loading: jesse-helms (senator) } loading: tipper-gore (senator's wife) } loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie) } running... } } Helms: Way-ull, we-uh strayanded on uh desut ahlund, Miz Go-ah. } } Tipper: Yes, Mr. Helms, we are. And alone, too. Oh, my, look at that! } Something's washing up on the beach! Why, it's a battery- } operated projector, and a film-case! Oh how wonderful, I was } afraid we'd be bored! Oh dear, but I hope the film isn't filled } with smut! } } Helms: It appeahs to be uh copuh of "Ah Luv Yuh tuh De-uth". Pahayaps } we should hay-uve uh look at it... } } [sets up projector] } [waits until dark] } [insert film here] } } Way-ull. Thayut was filthuh. Ah'm puhsanalluh uhffended } that ouh puhblic watuhways wuh cayyin such fiyulth, an Ah'm } gonna see tuh it it dun't happin agin. } } Tipper: Oh Jesse, I've always loved you. Take me. } } end of simulation. } } } Well, there you have the opinions of the experts. You can make your } own choices about whether to see the film now. } } You owe the Oracle the possibility that simulation #3 might one } day come true. --- 142-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who has more wholesomness than Wonder Bread, more tang than > sourdough, more ethnicity than rye, more mystery than pumpernickel, > more historical significance than Roman Meal, more class than Brick > Oven thin-sliced, and so on, can you help me? I am a songwriter who > has been commissioned to re-interperet the following quotation from > Karl Marx in song form: > > "Feuerbach's greatest achievement is opposing to the negation of > the negation, which claims to be the absolute positive, the > self-supporting positive, positively grounded on itself." > > I assume it should be a reggae song, but I am open to suggestions. > With all the humility of which my lowly being is capable, I > respectfully seek from You, Oh Oracle, a few pointers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bread! Marxist philosophy! Song? Yeah! Uhhhh... blurble dinkle gidge } plop goog dingy jnvhdgorhgoi j8 5 tqt3u354 mtcq3cva 3-5 ;yt5h398n0- } ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;@### } } Host: Congratulations, Mortal! You have BLOWN OUT THE ORACLE!! Don, } tell this bonehead what he's won! } Don: Sure thing, Bob! By killing the Oracle you have won THE UTTER } DESTRUCTION OF YOUR UNIVERSE! Yes, the Oracle was the only thing } holding it all together, so you can look forward to perishing in a } fiery inferno any day now! } Steve Kinzler: Don't worry guys, it was just a simple overload. I'll } reboot him. See, he's up and running again! } Host: Oh. Never mind! } } Heh. Had a slight...spell there. But I'm fine now! Let's see. You're } right, reggae does fit! How's this: } } Red, Red Marx } Overthrow meeeeeee } Don't let me get too rich } Before you revolt } } Red, Red Marx } Where have you gone } Have they forgotten you } In east Europe's states } } I was gone, for a time } To tend to my affairs } I returned just to find } Big Macs in Red Square } } Red, Red Marx } Don't forget meeeee } Your workers are calling you } You're tearing apart } Their red, red hearts } } [Let's toast!] } } Red, Red Marx you really strike some sparks, } You keep me away from the capitalist sharks! } Red, Red Marx you're good for a lark! } There's fucking few things that rhyme with Marx! } } That's it. You'll have to take it from there. } } You owe the Oracle some Ben-Gay for the circuits you strained.