From kinzler Wed Mar 28 09:22:31 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 28 Mar 90 09:06:44 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #137 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 137 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #137 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 28 Mar 90 09:06:44 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 137-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle tell me, what is the meaning > of "antidisestablishmentarianism"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations--You are the 999,999,999,999,999,999,999th human to ask } a question of Us. Unfortunately, We do not have any prizes to present } to you. However, We do have a spectacualar prize package for the } 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th querant. So, as a consolation, We will } tell you what you would have won, had you thought a minute longer and } come up with a *good* question. } } Your prize package would have included: } } 10 all expense paid years at the fabulous Club Olympus! Relax } in the Elysian Fields! Drink all the nectar and eat all the } ambrosia you could ever want. (Prophylactics not } included--Aphrodite is tested hourly). } } 1 free answer from the Oracle--no payment required. } } A date with either: Lisa the net.sex.goddess, Barbara the } net.suppleness.goddess, Brad the net.sex.god, or Jerry the } net.humor.god } } A lifetime supply of Rice-a-roni--the San Francisco treat! } } You owe the Oracle. You *know* you owe the Oracle. Let's not get more } explicit than that, okay? --- 137-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm trying to make a list of the main topics on this list. I've thought > of Lisa, Dan Quayle, silly poetry, and of course woodchucks and "why > don't I make rec.humor" whines. What have I forgotten? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've forgotten: } } 1. Requests for oracle top ten lists. } 2. Stories of oracular childhood. } 3. The oracular Dr. Ruth hotline. } 4. Requests for information from HELL. } 5. Philosophical searches (is god@berkley real?). } 6. Subscription requests for alt.flame. } } That should cover the other major topics. } } Expect this one: } } 7. Explanations of the ``You owe the oracle'' line. } } You owe the oracle an explanation of the ``You owe the oracle'' line. --- 137-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kinds of souvenirs can I get in upstate new york ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Trees and trolls and telephone poles, } And cannonballs made out of wax; } Fleas and foals and filigree bowls, } And pyramids stuffed up with flax. } } Bells and banners and barbarous manners } And towers and treacle and trumpets, } Cells and scanners and sleek salamanders, } And crisp, irresistable crumpets. } } Carrot-lime custard and steaming roast bustard } And hats and hamburgers all handy, } An easily flustered old maker of mustard, } And cats and conclusions and candy. } } Miles and miles of oracle files, } And currys of shrimp and delight, } And piles and piles of giggles and smiles, } That last quite a while in the night. } } Beetles and bottles and bowls of wattles, } And fabulous hedges of heather, } Cuddles and coddles, ceramical pottles -- } And that's not to mention the weather! --- 137-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, master of all information (even the kinky > stuff), what happens to the bits of files which are deleted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They get sucked off the disk by a woman with a Hoover and put out for } the dustmen in a blue plastic bag every Tuesday. --- 137-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kind of things does George Bush for fun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh... How 'bout a top ten list? } } 10) Golf } 9) Invade small bannana republics } 8) Fly Air-Force one over slums } 7) Golf } 6) Checkers with his Evil Twin, "Skippy" } 5) Grabbing his stomach and screaming "OW! My APPENDIX" While Dan is } in the Room, then saying, "Ha ha! Just kidding." } 4) #5 with reporters. } 3) Golf } 2) Not having sex with Barbera } 1) Sticking his dick in America's collective asshole. } } You owe the Oracle a Democratic President. --- 137-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mysterious oracle,please answer me this question:- > wibble? > what does it mean to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Glad You Asked That! The letters W-I-B-B-L-E, of course, have profound } implications in the infamous newsgroup rec.humor. They are: } } (1) The initials of a car company, Western Illinois Brick, Bone & } Lightning Engines. Of course, everybody on rec.humor wishes to inform } you that the initials are REALLY "What an Incredibly Bumbling Bad Little } Engine," "Why I Bought? Big Liquor Event," or "Wussy, Ignorant, } Buttfucked, Bitchy, Lickbutt, Enflatulated." } (2) The beginning of a joke: "Wednesday, In the Batcave, Batman's } Libido Expanded. He called up Superman and, to make a long story short, } the Invisible Man got it in the end." } (3) What the Greyhound management was quoted as saying as yet another } bus came under sniper attack: "What Inventive Boisterous Belligerent } Labor Elements!" } (4) What somebody on rec.humor said about their computer: "Wow! It's a } Bit Better than your Little Electronics! Really, I don't even have to } THINK using this computer! Not that I do anyway! No matter what I do, } it's going to crash, so I don't even try!" } (5) Of course, it's possible that "wibble" is just a serious subliminal } message meant to induce paranoia. Ha ha, we were just fnord kidding. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE: A virus to go hunt out and exterminate all the } non-humor on rec.humor... --- 137-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oh Oh Oracle baby, wost wise and fair, > can I get a job without cutting my hair? > It's lovely and long and blond (almost nearly) > It took two years to grow, and I love it dearly. > > It's great for attracting loose lovely gals > some guys want lovers instead of just pals. > I suppose I could go for young boys or mooses > though neither really has the same kinds of juices. > > I'm due to move on from this fine institution > but first, it seems, it demands retribution. > I can put it under a hat, or in a cute ponytail > or stick it up in the air like the eye of a snail. > > But I just want to keep it hanging over my eyes > so I can drag it across a few young ladies' thighs. > > > PS: Please hurry, I only have 2 and a half semesters to go! > PPS: My elf says hi! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Comb it so it'll fit under a formal-sorta-looking hat. Then } never take your hat off during work, unless someone asks you to. } Then you can trip them out. } } Sorry this doesn't rhyme, but then most modern poetry doesn't. --- 137-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HELP!!!!! > I want to meet Alyssa Brown. I think she is hot. Also the weather is > affecting my libido. > How do I do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The weather is affecting your libido because of your job. You work } hard every day, flying your tiny two-prop plane to 5,000 feet at six } in the morning, loaded to capacity with droplets of dry ice. You } spend a full ten hours seeding the clouds with dry ice so that rain is } produced. The people of the third-world countries, whom you bless } with your painstaking and gracious gift of rain, are greatly } appreciative, and they give you collections of brightly-colored rocks } and shrunken heads. However, your work is tiring. You spend nine and } one-half hours scanning the skies for seedable clouds, and you take } only thirty minutes for your lunch break, during which you tie the } plane's throttle and steering wheel to their respective places with } dental floss. All in all, very grueling work. The pay is very poor: } several bags of quartz and three shrunken heads per week. You have no } health insurance. It is easy for the Oracle, or anyone else, to see } how your work with the weather is affecting your sex drive. You just } don't feel like masturbating like you used to. Your hand has started } to notice, and it has become generally pouty and difficult to get } along with. Your home life with your hand is in a shambles: it has } stopped wearing its wedding ring. } } So, naturally, you think that this may be the time for you, an } underpaid and underskilled cloud seeder, to break away from your hand } and start a new life with Alyssa Brown. She is, as you say, hot. Can } a confused, sexually frustrated geek like yourself get up the courage } to leave your hand behind and start a new life? Do you think that you } can do without the masturbation that has made the relationship between } you and your hand such an enjoyable, fulfilling one? How can you make } the break, when the time comes? With bittersweet understanding? With } harsh resentment? With a Ginsu knife? } } The Oracle has pondered the lifepaths which may result, should you } decide to leave your hand and go after Alyssa. Take note: Alyssa } Brown is a rather intelligent, college junior with good manners and } nice breasts. You are an underpaid, socially inept nerd with an } Internet tap and a closet full of very small, brown heads. Sorry. It } just won't happen. Alyssa has her pick of cute guys, lining up to } whisk her away to Venice, Paris, New Dehli, and Munich in their } Concordes; your two-prop job can get her maybe to Cleveland. Alyssa's } bevy of masculine forms pour forth splendiferous love offerings: } diamonds, rubies, emeralds, beryls. In comparison your quartz would } implode and decompose into shiny dust, if crystalline structures were } able to feel shame. Alyssa makes intelligent, rounded, erudite } conversation with her suitors: they talk of the philosophy of Kant, } Rawls, Aristotle, Mill. You would just keep asking "Wanna see my head } collection?" Figuratively, you are as a small splattered insect on } the windshield of Alyssa's 1971 Jaguar. Realistically, you don't have } a snowball's chance in hell. } } Stay with your hand. You were made for one another. Remember the } moonlit nights on the shores of the Hudson; remember the policeman } catching the two of you together and firing those warning shots. } Remember how you and your hand laughed, because you were in love and } therefore impervious to bullets. Do you understand what the Oracle is } getting at? Square it with your hand. Buy a dozen ... well, a } half-dozen ... no, buy two roses for your hand, and gently ask it } about the missing ring. Tell your hand how no one has ever touched } you like your hand does. The Oracle promises that your hand will be } deeply moved, and your essences will grow closer and more deliciously } inextricable. You will forget that you ever wanted a human female } over your wonderful, grasping appendage. Yes, stay with your hand; } after each lonely, grueling, cloud-seeding day, coming home to your } hand will be as a genesis, a rainbow, a reason for living. --- 137-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Today is my first anniversary with my girl. Do you have any advice? > > Signed, happy, dressed in a tuxedo, and ready for dinner. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell her the story of the day that you met. Tell her what you } thought back then, and how your feelings have changed and matured. } Tell her the things you like the most about her, and of the times } that you've loved her most. Don't say, "You're so pretty"; tell her } what her prettiest features are and why they're so pretty. Look } into her eyes and smile like you can't stop yourself. --- 137-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand your last answer. Could > you please clarify it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. I'll lay this out in a much easier-to-follow format. First, we } start with the categorical imperative as defined by Immanuel Kant and } from that derive the concepts of dignity, respect, and human } emancipation as defined in Rawls's "Theory of Justice." We presuppose } Rawls's idea of the "veil of ignorance" and from there we work up to } Calvinism, Mill's utilitarian gamut and Nozickian premises of Anarchy, } State, and Utopia. We will note that this is the base case for an } inductive diagonalization proof as follows: Let T(A') be the set of } all Turing machines that do not accept themselves. If easily follows } by cross-cultural concepts that T(W), a Turing machine that accepts } T(A'), must be Nozickian in architecture. Hence we verify that } Church's Thesis is a large pile of feces, and he was just showing off } when he wrote it, trying to get laid at a party or something. } } Let Q be the set of non-deterministic finite automata that runs in } O(N) time. Let S be the set of deterministic finite automata that run } in O(1) time where O(1) is just a funky term meaning "constant." Let } QS be the product of the two described algorithms. Let R be the } children of the algorithms. Let O(D) be the time required for the } algorithms to get a divorce. Let O(Al) be the amount of alimony paid } by Q to S. From this we may see that Church's Thesis is a large pile } of feces, and he was just showing off when he wrote it, trying to get } laid at a party or something. } } Q.E.D. } } You owe the Oracle an formal proof or a formal evening gown.