From kinzler Tue Mar 6 23:19:31 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:15:59 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #134 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 134 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #134 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:15:59 -0500 @@@ There won't be any more Oracularities posted until after 18 March @@@ while I'm on vacation. Oracularities written during this period @@@ will be saved and reviewed for posting when I return. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 134-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle, > Why does everyone suck up to you with stuff like "Oh Oracle, whose > boots I am not fit to eat, etc..."? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It started a long time ago with mild praise "Oh Wise Oracle." I didn't } care much one way or the other. Then Demosthenes of Corinth (I was } oracle@apollovax.apollo.delphi.god back then, but the principle was the } same) asked " } } > Oh Infinitely Wise Oracle, when people write to you they always } > include some fulsome praise. What would happen to them if } > they were to omit it? } } and I answered, full truthfully, } } } If they fail to supply adequate praise, then woe and misfortune and } } dire doom may befall them. Their businesses may fail. Their wives } } may give birth to twin sheep. From their ears may sprout thorn-bushes } } and bitter stinging nettles. Mountain lions may gnaw at their shins, } } and camels may step on their feet. They may be waylaid by bandits } } alone in the mountains, far from help, robbed and stripped and left } } to die. They may be strangled by assassins from the realms of } } Acheronia, or poisoned with the dust of the dread Black Lotus which } } brings seeming aeons of tortured visions followed by a slow and long } } death. Bolts of lightning may fall from the heavens upon their heads, } } or cruel rains of biting insects. Their eyes may fill with cataracts, } } or their bladders with kidneystones. Arthritis may cripple them, or } } Epicrustes may cripple them in his more direct manner. Their daugh- } } ters may be seduced by a god, and turned into some random piece of } } livestock. The bread they eat at noon may be baked with twenty times } } too much salt, and the olives may be ill-cured and give them lasting } } cases of diarrhea. The limbs of trees may fall upon them, causing } } concussions, and the trees may be untended and leave them unable to } } sue anyone. They may be torn apart by packs of wild dogs, or captured } } by wierdo cultists who feed them only upon spam and velveeta. Or } } worse things may befall them. } } It's true of course; everything I say is true. The only thing is, } nobody thought to ask "How much more likely is it that such a fate will } befall me if I fail to start my letter with praise than otherwise?" } Well, Stephos Kinzlou (the "ph" is a "phi" and pronounced funny) saw fit } to publish this in Oracularities #-915,412 (Gods, but I am glad to } finally get into positive numbers), and people started adding } complements in quite a hurry. } } The Oracle has grepped the Archives. You owe the Oracle a dozen fresh } figs. --- 134-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do my questions and answers never make it onto the rec.humor > posting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tedious-minded and treacherous troll } Whose heart is a cinder of envious coal, } With jealousy vast for your wonderful wit } Has chosen your Internet gateway to sit } On a boulder the size and shape of a snout } With his cold lip protruding in a terrible pout. } With chilly cold fingers all slimy and pale } He fondles the network and plucks at the mail. } Whenever he feels a letter from you, } That malignant old virgin knows just what to do: } He grabs for its tail and pulls it right out } Of the mail connection, like catching a trout. } He guts it and scales it and stares at its header, } To see if IUVAX you're sending a letter. } If that's were you've sent it, his coal heart grows colder: } He squashes your letter with his mail-squashing boulder! } Then he goes to his pile of boring old answers } And questions all written by Valiummed hamsters, } That ask "What's a waffle?" and ask "Why is fuzz?" } And answer "It's awful!" or simply "Because!" } Inside of your letter that troll goes and sticks them, } With gallons of glutinous glue to affix them, } And back to the network connection they go } And go swimming off, all aching and slow. } They get to IUVAX; we care for them well, } But your original message they just cannot tell. } These tedious questions and answers, you see, } Could not make rec.humor, I'm sure you'll agree. } So go trolling for trolls: go purloin his boulder, } Go stomp on his moles and bite his left shoulder, } Go batter his body 'till it's all black and blue } Go drive him away so your letters get through. } Then they'll go to rec.humor, each one, like a flash, } Because they're far better than troll-restuffed trash. } } The Oracle has doggereled, or vice versa. You owe the Oracle an iambec } hexameter. --- 134-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can i learn to play the fluet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by } the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve } form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut } along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a } most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet. } Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you } are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature } but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn } that you strive. } } Godo lukc ot yuo. --- 134-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Flowcharts, flowcharts, hinkely dinkely doo, > I love flowcharts in an agony stew! > Flowcharts, flowcharts, geekely weekely pain, > How can I get flowcharts to fill up my brain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Figure 1: How to Get Flowcharts on the Brain, (c) 1990 Oracle } ------------------------------------------------------------- } } /-----------------\ Key: } | Read a structured | FC ==> flowcharts } | programming book | } \----+------------/ } | / \ / \ } / \ / \ / \ /-------\ } / \ +----+ / Do you \ / Did you \ |What did | } /Got FC on\Y____|Burn|____/ really have \Y_/ have FC on \Y_|you read | } \ brain? / |book| \ FC on brain?/ \ brain before/ |that book| } \ / +----+ \ / reading book? |for?! | } \ / \ / \ / \-------/ } | N \ / \ / } +----+------+ | N | N } | Burn book | | | } +----+------+ | / \ } | +-------+ | /Been \ /-----\ } | <------------+ Liar! +----+ /to shrink\Y___ |Time to| } | +-------+ \ lately? / |go!! | } +-----+----------+ \ / \-----/ } | Read a book on | \ / } |operating system| | } | design | | } +-----+----------+ 2 / \ /--------\ } | | / \ |Sorry! The| } | | /result?\----|Oracle can| } / \ / \ /-----------\ \ / |not solve | } / \ /Know \ | Get a job | \ / |everything| } / FC on \Y___/ assembly\Y__| as assembly | |Sane \--------/ } \ brain? / \ language/ | programmer. | | } \ / \ ? / | [Muhaha] | /---+-----\ } \ / \ / \-----------/ | Time to | } | | ^ | get a new | } | | | | shrink! | } | / \ | \---------/ } +-----+------+ / \ +---+---+ } | Read the | / Willing \Y___| Learn | } | book | \to learn?/ +-------+ } | backwards. | \ / 1 >--+ } +-----+------+ \ / | } | | +-------+-------+ } | /----+----\ | Eat chocolate | } | | Nevermind.| +-------+-------+ } | \---------/ | } | +---> 1 } / \ 3----+ } / \ | } / FC on \Y---> 2 / \ } \ brain? / / \ } \ / /You want \ } \ / /the blond or \__________ } | \ the redhead?/Blond | } | \ / +--> 4 } /----+------------\ \ / } | Get a job writing | \ / } | documentation for | | } | IBM. [Warning: | | } | Use only as a | +------+---------+ } | last resort.] | | The redhead is | } \-----------------/ | for Oracle use +--> 3 } | use only. | } +----------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a copy of every Russ Meyer movie with the word } "Vixen" in the title (VHS please). --- 134-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is love so appealing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to the esoteric, artsy nature of your question, the Oracle has } decided to answer by means of an interpretive dance. } } One moment, please ... } } [donning tight spandex] } [touching toes] } [bouncing] } [doing jumping jacks: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7] } [out of breath] } [centering karma] } [centering chakra] } [centering text] } } Ah! Now I'm ready. The answer is as follows; now, pay attention. } } [Tap tap tappity tap tap slide tap tippity] } [whoosh whoosh whoosh] } [tippity wave wave tippity tippity !CRASH!] } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 21:22 ... } > } >HEY! That was one of the good terminals! } } [whoosh whoosh tap tap tap slide sliiiiide .... !CRUNCH!] } } >Segmentation fault (core dumped) } } [flap flap flap whoosh whoosh !BAM!] } } >Message from core!iuvax on ttyp1 at 21:22 ... } > } >CORE MEMORY PHYSICALLY DAMAGED } >YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE } } [swish swish swish !META-CRASH!] } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 21:23 ... } > } >Goddamit Oracle cut it out! This is only a lowpri account! You } >don't own that many things to break! } } >Message from baryshni!kov on tty0a at 21:23 ... } > } >Oracle, you can't dance for shit! } } >Message from core!iuvax on tty03 at 21:23 ... } > } >OUCH OUCH I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HA } >Unrecoverable error (core trashed) } } [tap tap tap tip tip tip.] } } As my interpretive dance shows, the world tends toward love. Smile } and the world smiles with you. Laugh, laugh, and laugh; fill the } world with love your whole life through. Dance, as the Oracle does; } sing, be merry. All will enjoy your company. Life is good, as my } pirouttes demonstrate; all is beauty, as my moonwalk shows. Don't } worry, be happy. Bring forth your joy^C } Sweetness fault (core disgusted) --- 134-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you thinK sublIminal messages reaLLy work or are THEy just a PuRE > hoax brought about by SocIety's inDecENT morality? PLEASE, I BEG YOU to > answer this question... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The subject of whether or not subliminal messages really work is a } sticky one. In the early 50's an advertising firm wanted to base its } entire line on the form of subliminal advertising, claiming that such } advertising couldn't make any one do what they did not want to, only } make them want to do it more. The poor amoral individual who propounded } this, I understand, was induced by his own methods to gorge himself on } popcorn and coke, and later died of a combination } caffeine/sugar/cheap&greasy butter substitute overdose that you wouldn't } wish on your worst enemy. } } But he was not the most heinous perpetrator of subliminal crime. No one } really this (well, yoiu do now) but Hitler was actually a subliminal ad } for a new type of German cold cream that went far wrong. I know this } because I was on the advertising team that produced this commercial, } that suddenly gripped a nation in mass hysteria, that consequentially } ended up with the imagined killing of 6 million Jews and others. After } that, understandably, I went under ground, not wanting to get blamed for } this devastating, but honest, misunderstanding. This confession of } course makjes me the greatest perpetrator of sublimainal crime ever. } That is why I changed my name and started answering people's questions. } I feel that perhaps I can give back a little of what I've taken from the } world. Then again may be not. } } Now, the effects of subliminal messages can be seen to be quite } powerful. People still believe that Hitler was an actual person. If } only the German people had actually gone out and bought the damn } cold-cream this whole mess would have been cleared up. (Get it? Cold } Cream. Cleared up.) The effects are so powerful that there have even } been groups of people who call themselves "Neo-Nazis". (Nazi was the } brand name of the Cold Cream) } } Whether or not you can learn to manipulate people's minds with } subliminal messages is another question entirely. It all seems to be a } hit or miss phenomena here, that has a lot to do with things we cannot } directly control. For instance, in an experiment where the words 'drink } coke' and 'eat popcorn' were flashed on the screen and concession sales } increased by 50% it is not widely known that a heat wave was going } through this particular town at the time. The theatre was, it seems, } the only air-conditioned place in the town and also a cheap source for } something cool to drink and salt. The whole Hitler thing I just shrug } off to dumb luck. } } As an interesting note, I seem to have killed the president of my } University. I'm not at all sure why. Oh well. } } You owe the oracle Life + 25. --- 134-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What language is this: > "Mutta se ei k{y, sill{ min{ olen lihava. Se ei k{y, se ei k{y, > se ei k{y, se ei k{y, se ei kertakaikkiaan k{y" ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By what normal mortals call "coincidence", this language is exactly } that of the Snargleworfians of Blortach IV in the lower left hand } corner of the Andromeda Galaxy. Since this language evolved less } than five hundred Solarian years ago, and the Andromeda Galaxy is } far more distant than five hundred light years from Earth, you } could not possibly know about this language. Why, it would violate } causality for you even to know about the _existence_ of this } language, or, say, the name of the people who speak it.... } } Uh-oh. } } (deep rending sound as space-time starts to become unglued...) } } Excuse me for a moment, I must have a short talk with the Universe. } } Universe! } >HERE. } Hey, I'm infallable, right? } >YEP. } So, I can't make mistakes, right? } >SURE THING. } But, conveying information faster than light would be a mistake, not so? } >SURE WOULD. } So... listen carefully, now... I couldn't have done it, right? } >ACCEPTED. CANCELLING CONTRADICTIONS. SPACE-TIME REPAIRED. } } Whew! That was certainly a close call. I don't think it would be wise } to continue this answer. As a matter of fact, this answer doesn't } exist. } } You owe the Oracle a fifth-order logic system. --- 134-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend suggested me "69" .. what is that ? :-o And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You poor down-trodden animal, have you never heard the of the infamous } "69"? Let me tell you the story. } } It seems that around the time of the Spanish Inquisition, there were } two German brothers, Karl and Svenge. As stereotypical myths go, } they were stereotypically different: Karl was brilliant, rugged, tall } and handsome, yet outrageously shy, while Svenge was an asshole. } They were constant companions through life, and neither seemed to miss } female companionship, for Karl was oft busy with his work, and Svenge } was busy annoying the shit out of people. One day when Svenge could } not find anyone to be incredibly obnoxious to, he went into Karl's } workshop, where Karl was busy trying to reanimate a dead pig. Svenge } looked at the mess on the table, and announced "Seich te nein." } } You owe the Oracle a German-English dictionary --- 134-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to make sure my questions get into the Usenet > Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bribes, massive bribes. That's not the best way, it's the only way. --- 134-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whither troff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the faraway land of Bimingham-Bean } King Horowitz stared at his monitor screen. } The king he was mad, he was sore, he was vexed. } He was staring at lines of unformatted text! } The lines were uneven, unjustified too. } Where paragraphs started, he hadn't a clue. } He stared at the screen 'til he though he would break. } His eyes, how they watered! His back, how it ached! } Suddenly Horowitz could take it no more! } He struck at the viewscreen which smashed to the floor! } "I will no longer stare 'til my eyes start to bleed! } What I require is some text I can read! } Send for my scientist," he said to his aide, } "It is time that he earned all the wealth he is paid!" } And so the call went through the streets of the town, } To search for the man, and when he was found, } The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean } Was involved in an act that was rather obcene. } Not bothered the least by the odd circumstance, } He turned himself round and he pulled up his pants. } He was brought by the guards in front of the king. } And the Scientist said, "You wanted something?" } King Horowitz Second, of Verdly-on-Shext, } said, "Yes! I want something to format my text!" } "Ah," said the scientist, "Text you can read? } You're in luck, Royal Highness, I have just what you need! } Allow me a day, to draw up the plans. } I'll deliver them right to your hot little hands!" } Next day, in the throne room, the court was assembled. } An army of morons is what it resembled. } And in the room's center, the star of the scene, } The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean } Manned a projector, and an 80-inch screen. } He said "Lords and Ladies, I have a surprise! } A veritable wonderment! A feast for the eyes! } Text will be perfect in Bimingham-Bean, } Thanks to the Paragraph-Burbling Machine!" } The man flipped a switch, and there on the screen, } Was the craziest thing that they ever had seen! } The thing at it's smallest was big as a horse! } And looked twisted and turned by invisible force! } He said "it looks odd, but it's no piece of junk!" } It's the power of 6000 Micronized Monks! } Input's the end that looks like a candle. } You enter the text, then you pull this small handle. } You push the red button, then turn the green dial. } Then you twiddle your thumbs and you wait for a while. } The Monks write the output in one of three styles : } Courier, Helvetica, or output-to-file!" } The machine was impressive, it had lights, it went beep. } However, the king was decidedly cheap. } When told of the price, he became quite distressed, } And said, "how 'bout something a little bit less?" } The Scientist said, "How's this for an offer? } The X107 Grigzapper Runoff-er! } Although all the text must be entered by hand, } The output is perfect, it's really quite grand! } Unformatted text is stuck in this slot, } You crank on this crank, and what have you got? } Why, formatted text! Just make sure that you } Don't get stuck in the slot, or it'll format you, too." } The king was impressed, was excited indeed, } But still too expensive for his miserly needs. } So the Scientist showed him the C107 } Which predicted the text using insight from Heaven, } Then showed him the Zigula Sentence Compressor, } The Infinitivator, the New-Line Redressor, } The Predicate Haggler, the String Farbulator, } The Vrabiton-Skiddley White Space Demonstrator. } The models rolled on, getting deeper and deeper, } And still the king said "Is there anything cheaper?" } The Scientist paled, and said with a cough, } "Well, Royal Highness, we've always got troff." } "Troff? What is that? Does it work? Is it cheap?" } "That's putting it mildly," and he started to weep, } "Your Highness, troff-language is really quite bad! } If you force us to use it, we'll surely go mad!" } "Piffle!" said Horowitz, "Start right away! } Teach it to everyone, starting today!" } And so it was done. The public, confused, } Was told that troff was all they could use. } The Scientist was right, they'd all be insane, } Had not someone noticed the events in Romania. } The palace was stormed, the king he was shot. } And soon after that troff was simply forgot. } The new King, O'Malley, of Sadicum-Smecks, } Hired the Scientist, who invented LaTex. } Thus came troff to the end of its time. } And thus comes the Oracle to the end of the rhyme. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ceaucescu.