From kinzler Sun Mar 4 17:26:32 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 4 Mar 90 17:17:05 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #132 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 132 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #132 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 4 Mar 90 17:17:05 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 132-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vastly superior Oracle, of whose left parietal lobe I am not worthy > to sing praise, whose collected writings would easily win favorable > mention from any critic at the New York Review of Books, whose razor- > sharp wit and stunning physique have won accolades from intellectuals > and bimboes alike, and whose female ancestors, yea unto the seventh > generation, have never even been in the same _room_ with a pair of > combat boots, > > How can I be as cool as you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ray-Ban sunglasses and a 2,000-pound credit limit on your Top Man } Storecard. --- 132-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DO YOU HAVE ANY OF CLIFFS NOTES? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In response to the question "Do I have any of Cliffs Notes?" I must } make an interesting, poignant answer, comprising all the different } concepts which much be addressed when examining this fascinating } question. It is important, when answering the question, "Do I have } any of Cliffs Notes?" to refrain from delving into the question } prematurely, but to pause and examine and genuflect on the different } views and viewpoints regarding the having of Cliffs Notes. When } thinking of the answer to the question, I consider not one but all } sides of the question. I ... uh ... think carefully about the } question of my ownership of these study materials and what effect } these have or may have upon the Oracle as it exists today. Umm ... I } wonder whether the ownership of Cliffs Notes would be an ... uh ... } asset to the Oracle as it stands, or would it be a ... uh ... a ... } setback, yeah, setback ... umm ... hang on a second, would you? } } [riffle riffle riffle pause riffle riffle] } [examining little yellow and black book] } } NO! No. That is the answer. I, the Oracle, have "absolutely no } Cliffs Notes. The Oracle"--uh, that is, I--"refers to no such } distillations of material in the answers to Its received questions." } } You owe the Oracle a number-two lead pencil and the answers to the } upcoming SAT test. --- 132-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does it take the data center 4 days to add a UNIX user account? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because that's how long it takes. You have a misconception of the } amount of work that goes into adding a UNIX user account. You think } it's simply a matter of invoking a function and maybe making a note } somewhere. You think it should take five minutes. You are wrong. In } fact, you are abysmally ignorant of the true process. } } Data Center Personnel (DCP) are highly trained professionals. They know } more than you do. A lot more. First they take your hand-written user } account request (neatly printed, I hope) and carefully analyze your } requested user name, searching carefully for hidden computer viruses and } drugs. Then, using a time-honored proceedure involving the sacrifice of } small animals and spreading of entrails, they determine just where your } user name fits in the alphabet. (If your user name doesn't fit into the } alphabet UNIX will choke and eat mail files and set bits at random. } Nasty.) } } Now your request has to be tested for existance. The DCP carefully } looks away from your request application and tosses it on one of the } many, many piles of requests. Thus, having intentionally lost your } request, they look for it again. If they find the request, then it } exists. (Highly-trained. Many years of study.) } } Only now can the DCP interface (DCPs love that word) with the UNIX } monster and request that your account be created. If the UNIX monster } is sleeping, and it often is, the DCP will have to kick it to wake it } up. This is a non-trivial exercise, and should only be attempted by } trained DCPs. } } And now the DCP is understandably exhausted. Having treated your user } account request with all the respect it deserves, the DCP takes a } six-hour coffee break. } } Now you know. Someday, you too may be a DCP, but don't bet on it. } } You owe the Oracle a large boot. --- 132-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i am a woodchuck. how i got hold of this terminal and account is of > little consequence. suffice to say it is easy for most wildlife to > learn quickly about computers. we simply nose up to the nearest plate > glass window when a 'how to use computers' seminar is in progress. > honestly, you humans are so silly. we wild creatures do not fear > machines like you do. that is because we have been constantly > threatened by them since the dawn of man, who by the way looks terrible > without a decent coat of fur. > > now, onto this degrading business about chucking wood. we woodchucks > do not chuck wood at all. don't be ridiculous. in the first place, we > do not prefer the term woodchuck. we normally use the french name > 'objibwa'. heaven forbid you people should ever distinguish species. > how amusing to see you all crammed up against the glass in your bloated > rv's saying 'look edward, there's a woodchuck', when you may be gawking > at any one of a number of marmots of mountainous western north america. > > the objiwa have, in the past, used small amounts of wood to form cheap > and sturdy modular home units, which fetch a healthy price on the open > market. real estate is a tricky business however, and as of the last > ten years, the objiwa have utilized their access to small amounts of > wood to supply the electronics market. take a good look at your stereo, > see that wood panel on the front. how about the case that holds your > vhs tapes. small amounts of wood are put into televisions, stereo > speakers, you name it. we have gotten quite rich and we are deeply > insulted that you would think we would chuck this liquid asset as if we > were stocking up on firewood. don't piss us off or you'll be listening > to your rock music through tissue paper. > > j san objiwa > park ave penthouse > new york, new york 10011 > > ps how many quayle make a dan quayle wail when a dan quayle wails on > quayles > > there would be a question mark here if i had opposable thumbs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dan Quayle wails when he falls off his chair, } He does that more or less everywhere. } Now, how much wood could a wood-chuck chuck? } Tell me, then take a flying fuc^H^H^H I mean } Enough to fill a ten-tonne truck. --- 132-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why the sun doth shine, > Tell me why the ivy doth climb > Tell me why the sky is blue, > Then you may tell me just what I owe you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sun doth shine because it's round, } The ivy climbs to get away from the ground, } The sky is blue because it eats too much salt, } You owe the oracle a } } Segmentation fault --- 132-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Big O- > > After reading xsome of your poetry in the Oracularities, I have > come to the conclusion that you are either Dr. Suess or a incredible > simulation of the famous author. Can you refute this accusation or at > least clear up this misconception. > > - A worshiper from afar And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, my young friend, is clear. } It's not Dr Seuss who's faked here. } The Oracle's pleasure } Is a five-lined measure, } So it simulates old Edward Lear. } } (But when it's feeling brash, } It pretends to be Ogden Nash.) } } } You owe the Oracle a hat in a cat. } } PS: The Oracle notes with displeasure that you sent this question more } than once in identical mailings. As a punishment, you will spend all } day tomorrow as a slug. --- 132-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does a penis know which liquid to produce on any particular > occasion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It contains a highly sensitive porcelain-detecting antenna. --- 132-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear and wise Oracle, I fear for my academic career. My Art History > professor has assigned me a 20-page paper on the influence of Spam and > Velveeta on Hellenic architecture. I've read every book in the library > on the Hellenic period, but nobody mentions anything like Spam or > Velveeta. Please, please tell me some references, or, better, give me > the outlines of the paper. > > Thanks and kisses, > Alyssa Brown And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear and foolish Alyssa, never fear, Omni is here! (With his good friend } Scient.) Here's your outline: } I. Introduction } A. Introductory paragraph in its entirety follows (Guaranteed A here!) } "The influence of Spam and Velveeta on Hellenic architecture cannot be } denied. My reaction to being assigned this assignment which, as you } may remember, is an assignment to write a 20-page paper on the assign- } ed topic, the influence of Spam and Velveeta on Hellenic architecture, } the topic that was assigned to me, was `Wow! What an undeniable infl- } uence my assigned topics, Spam and Velveeta, had on Hellenic Arch- } itecture!'" (This prose style is going to give you 20 pages in about } two hours, after which you can go out and party.) } B. Follow-up paragraph in its entirety } "What an influence Spam and Velveeta had on Hellenic Architecture! * } Hellenic architecture was influenced by the influence of Spam and } Velveeta! } ----- } * (FOOTNOTE) : Spam, in Greek, is of course spelled Spamos. Velveeta, } due to the frightening lack of v's in Greek, was spelled Welweeta, and } then Eleeta after digamma, the Greek W, just kind of folded up and } died one day. It went something like this: } Aristotle: `Why would we want whiskers?' } Plato: `Why wouldn't we want whiskers, wishy-washy wart?' } Socrates: `I can't play this game to save my life! The letter W, } also known in Greek as digamma, despite the fact that it looks } like two gammas about as much as sorority girls look like Greek } scholars, is now officially DEAD! Dies irae, dies illa!' } Plato: `Hat ill e do no?' } However, since this is not my topic, I will only devote the amount of } space I've already devoted to it to it. We will use the traditional } English spellings, which are once again, S-P-A-M (not Y-U-C-K), and } V-E-L-V-E-E-T-A (not O-R-G-A-S-M-I-C), for the rest of this paper." } (Triple-space this and you've got two pages already!) } } II. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture } A. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - Columns } 1. Doric } 2. Ionic } 3. The other one that nobody can ever remember } a. Footnote: No, they didn't write back, Paul got killed first! } B. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } 1. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - Columns } a. Doric } b. Ionic } c. The other one that nobody can ever remember } 1. Cute joke about trying to say "Isthmus" with a lisp } 2. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - The Hill } a. The Parthenon is up on a hill } b. Up on a hill is where the Parthenon his } c. Notice the similarity! } 3. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - The Name } a. P is in both } b. a is in both! Looks like a pattern here! } c. m is kind of like two n's } d. s is short for rtheo } e. Add them up and what do you get? } 4. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - The Name, } Part Two } a. The word Parthenon comes from the word Athena } b. The word Athens comes from the word Athena } c. The Parthenon is in Athens } d. Wow! } 5. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - Texture } a. The Parthenon is hard as rock } 1. Duh. The Parthenon is made from rock. Except for the new Spandex } wing. } b. Spam is as hard as rock } 2. Duh. Spam is made from rock. } c. Wow! } C. The influence of Spam on Hellenic architecture - Everything else } 1. The big horse they attacked Troy with } a. Spam is made of horses } b. Notice the similarity! } 2. The pyramids of Egypt } a. The pyramids of Egypt date from 4000 B.C. } b. Each can of Spam dates from 4000 B.C. } c. Notice the similarity! } d. Footnote: "I know the pyramids of Egypt aren't Hellenic } architecture... } but the similarity was so compelling I couldn't pass it up!" } } II. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture } A. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Introduction } 1. We'll talk about } a. Columns } b. The Parthenon } B. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Columns } 1. Doric } 2. Ionic } 3. The other one that nobody can ever remember } a. It's time for a non sequitur in the paper here, just to wake the } prof up. } b. "Velveeta is ORGASMIC!" } C. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } 1. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - Introduction } a. We'll talk about } 1. Columns } 2. My high school Ancient History teacher } 3. The Name } 2. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - Columns } a. Doric } b. Ionic } c. The other one that nobody can ever remember } 1. "Of course, I can always remember it, because my high school } teacher for Ancient History was a DICK, and you just drop off the } last letter." } 3. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - The Name } a. Velveeeta, the way it's usually pronounced, has the same number of } letters as Parthenon! } b. Velveeta has the same number of syllables as The Parthenon! } c. Velveeta was invented first - post hoc est propter hoc! } d. Obvious influence and a possible Ph.D. thesis here! } 4. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - The Parthenon } - Summary } a. Recap of the introduction } b. Columns } 1. "My high school Ancient History teacher really WAS a dick! } really!" } c. The Name } D. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Columns } a. Dork } b. Ironic } c. "Just checking to see if you were awake!" } E. The influence of Velveeta on Hellenic architecture - Summary } a. Columns } b. The Parthenon } c. Columns } } III. Summary } A. Columns } 1. Spam } 2. Velveeta } B. The Parthenon } 1. Spam } 2. Velveeta } C. "I forget what else I talked about." } } IV. Annotated Bibliography } A. Personal communication with the infamous trio of Ken Shadek, Ed } Rohrbaugh, and Dave Chung } 1. Source of "Velveeta is ORGASMIC!" } B. Personal communication with The Oracle, omni@scient.parnassus.edu } 1. Source of everything else } } V. Have a nice day! } A. Encourages your professor to grade favorably } } THE END } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE: Some Velveeta. --- 132-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do these people always pester me about semantics? What do they > think I am? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, We think that a proper answer to your short and simple query } deserves a thorough and lengthy analysis in order to pin point just } exactly what the reasons are that you are making this query to thusly } figure out the precise understanding conveyed by the formation of the } written query itself to then thereby yield to Us the definite nature of } the response you expect to receive from Us. Fortunate for you, with Our } superior resources of manpower, state-of-art computing power and agents } abroad, the analysis of just what you mean by your question as written } and are looking for as an appropriate response has by the time I finish } placing the period at the end of this sentance been completed. } } And so, The meaningful answer to your two queries are as follows: } } 1) Green Grapes are more sexy than the other kinds. } } and } } 2) Motor oil should be changed every 3000 miles at most. --- 132-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, ok, will Dawn go out with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle regrets that due to recent changes in the } Temporal Information Distribution Policy, the Oracle is } unable to directly answer your question (TIDP 12.36.42.1, 12.36.44.8, } 18.12.3.0, 486.10.73.2). Please rephrase and resubmit your } question in a manner that does not conflict with regulations. } } ### MESSAGE FROM GOD@TRINITY.XTIAN.ORG ### } I SEE YOU'RE LEARNING. } } Uh, yes, I } } ### MESSAGE FROM GOD@TRINITY.XTIAN.ORG ### } BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. } } But } } Message from kinzler@iuvax ... } Do what god says, or I'll be forced to nice you... } } Uh, yes, ok. } } Um. } } You will find yourself going out with the Dawn one day about twelve } years from now. You will find yourself in a small, tropical country } under martial law. You will accidentally part your hair incorrectly one } morning as the dictator-du-jour passes by, and be sentenced to being } shot at the usual time of day. Pulling out your penknife, you will } feverishly cut through twelve meters of solid granite, tunneling out of } your cell overnight, much to the guards' surprise and that of the } inhabitants of the sewer you will accidentally tunnel into. You will } float out of the country's borders just as the sun rises. Thus the } answer to your question is Yes. } } Message from kinzler@iuvax ... } Seems short. You wouldn't want me to remember that time when ... } } Uh, no, of course not. } } You will wash ashore in a stupor on the side of the river, and will } lie there for a few hours, before fear of crocodiles makes you crawl out } of the water. Looking back, you will see the river covered with a thick } foam, and smelling of a certain liquid dish soap. You dimly remember } tunneling through a storeroom the last night (ahh, so it wasn't a full } 12 meters granite) and spilling hundreds of yellow plastic bottles } marked "Dawn ^C } } ### MESSAGE FROM ANGEL23246@HEAVEN.XTIAN.ORG ### } I hate puns. } } ... er, marked "Don's World Famous Grapefruit Juice", of course. } Heh heh. *cough* Um ... Anyway, then you will wander into the jungle } looking for fresh, untainted water to drink. You will come across } the site of an airplane crash, and a group of survivors. Using your } newly acquired skills, (you borrowed a copy of 'Fugitive Living } in the Jungle: 1001 Handy Tips and Pointers' from your guard) you will } lead them back to safety and civilization ... One of the passengers } will be a girl you knew twelve years ago, before the Death of } Usenet (now Imminent), named Dawn. You and she will naturally } fall in love and live happily ever after for a while, until she } runs off with a trapeze mechanic, divorces you and you are killed } by stray gunfire while walking from the "Produce" to the "Toiletries" } sections of your local grocery store. } } You owe the Oracle a bright future.