From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 19 21:13:46 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #126 Message-ID: <36404@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 20 Feb 90 02:13:46 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 126 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #126 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 20 Feb 90 02:13:46 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 126-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Wish I had a decent book of quotes!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations!!! You were the only person to correctly answer the } question posed by Me, the Oracle, in My annual "Stupid Irrelevant and } Otherwise Obscure Questions That Only Someone Who Has Nothing Else } Better to Do Could Possibly Hope To Answer" contest. As you may } recall, the question I asked this year was: } } "What was it that Will Rogers said to himself at the pub, on his } twenty-first birthday, when he wanted so badly to hit on the hot babe } sitting three tables to his left, but couldn't think of anything witty } to say?" } } As you probably guessed, this incident spawned what was to be the } greatest collection of quotes ever thought up by a single person. } However, he never got the hot babe, which may have caused him to swing } on the other side of the fence for a brief period, using pickup lines } such as, "I never met a man I didn't like." } } Don Pardo, tell our contestant what he's won! } } Don> Well, contestant, you and a guest will spend two luxurious weeks } in the location of your choice! } } Audience> OOOOHHHHHH! } } Don> That's right, we will fly you anywhere in the world courtesy of } Oracle Temporal Air Lines. Anywhere, anywhen, whether it's zero } A.D. in Bethlehem, or 2217 A.D. on the Mars colonies, Oracle } Temporal Air is the safest, most efficient way to go! } } Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap } } Oracle> Of course, in order to save money, we sent you on your two } week vacation two weeks ago. Hope you had a pleasant trip. } Although I don't understand why you chose spending the two } weeks at your parent's house watching reruns of Jeapordy when } you could have been someplace more entertaining. Like Jim } Bakker's prison cell. } } But wait! There's more, isn't there, Don? } } Don> That's right, Oracle. Our champion has also won a one year } membership as a representative of the Oracular Circle, where he } can spend all of his time helping the Oracle ponder stupid } irrelevant and otherwise obscure questions that only a person who } has nothing else better to do could possibly hope to answer, like } "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could } chuck wood?" and "Can you set me up on a date with Lisa?", and } the ever popular variations of "Why am I not getting laid? Is it } because I'm sitting at this stupid terminal when I should be } hitting on hot babes in bars with my catchy quotes?" } } Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap } } Oracle> But wait! There's still more, isn't there, Don? } } Don> er, um, hmm... uh, no. no, there isn't. } } Oracle (whisper)> Don, what about the date with Lisa? } } Don (whisper)> Well, um, er, I just got done trying to set it up. I } just about had it in the bag when she asked me what } the date was for. } } Oracle (whisper)> So, what did you tell her? } } Don (whisper)> I said she'd be going out with the Oracle contest } winner. } } Oracle (loud)> YOU DIDN'T!! } } Don (whisper)> I did. } } Oracle (whisper)> You know how she feels about quiz show geeks. } } Don (whisper)> I guess I do now. She said she was washing her hair } every night this week, next week, the week after that, } and the week after that, ad nauseum, all the while } muttering something about not understanding how trivia } buffs can know so much about sex without knowing } anything about sex. In any case, she's booked solid } for the next seventy-two years, and promised that she'd } go out with our winner if he were still alive by then. } } Oracle (whisper)> I don't suppose she'd buy it if we sent him seventy- } two years into the future, huh? } } Don (whisper)> I don't suppose so. } } Oracle (whisper)> Shit. Well, let's give him something else. Maybe } one of the consolation prizes. } } Don (whisper)> No problemo, big O. } } Oracle (loud)> But wait! There's still more, isn't there, Don? } } Don> That's right, Oracle. Our champion has also won a ten year } supply of Winky's cow paste! Winky's, for all of your cow } paste needs. } } Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap } } Oracle> Thank you, Don Pardo. And to our champion, once again, } congratulations! --- 126-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the USSR agree to anything at all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because hunger is the true enemy. } } The Oracle has looked into the lake of time and has seen the bear } licking her paws clean of honey while the eagle builds a nest out of } rubber bands and newspaper. } } You owe the Oracle five minutes of sober reflection. --- 126-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear O, > IamrunningoutofmoneyonmyaccountandIneedtofindawaytospendless.SinceIask > yousomanyquestionsIfigureawaytospendlesswouldbetosendshortermail > messages. I'm cnsdrng dng ths in 2 dffrnt wys. 1 wy wld be to nt use > spcs whn I typ. A scnd wy wld be to leav out unncssry vwls whn I typ. > I cld cmbin ths 2 wys bt I thnk tht wld be too cnfsng. Wht do you thnk > & ar thr any bttr wys thn thes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, there are no consonants left in the puzzle. You can either } buy a vowel, or solve it. } } You owe the Oracle one bottle of asprin, and a batman decoder ring. --- 126-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where to all the words that scroll off the top of my terminal go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They wrap around the top of your terminal, slide down the back, and } break into letters, which lie there in little heaps until someone comes } to clean them up. See all those little piles of dark stuff behind your } terminal that you thought were roach droppings? Now you know better. } } You owe the Oracle some of those little magnetic letters that go on } refigerators --- 126-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I made some cookies the other day. They were chocolate chip. When I > put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto > the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking. I had to eat the cookies > without any chips. They were terrible. Why do you think this > remarkable event occurred? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Mutineering chocolate. } Obviously they were trying to jump chip. --- 126-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the British misspell words by adding extra u's? (Words such as > color, flavor, etc.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question was sent the the foriegn department of Oracleality in } London. Here is the response: } } We were soumewhat counfused at first by your questioun, as we could find } no instance when the wourd 'etc' had extra 'u's, or for that matter, any } 'u's in it at all!!! Putting this aside, the foullowing quote may be of } some help... } } "Under normal driving counditions, the air cleaner } filter should be replaced in accourdance with the } maintenance schedule. However, driving the vehicle in } dusty areas may cause moure rapid clogging of the element. } Consequently, the element may have to be replaced moure } frequently." } } ...although proubably no help for this particular question. } } All of the coumputers here in England were put to work for a 24 hour } perioud on your questioun, yet we could find absolutely ZERO instances } where any of our wourds have extra 'u's!!!! Perhaps if you rephrase } your question using the proper number of 'u's in the first place we can } help you out. } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of vowels. --- 126-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does she keep playing with that worm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because she want to become like it. There are several aspects to } this, so there are a few signs you should look out for. If you see } any of these, you must make her stop: } } 1. She wants to live like one: } } * She eats dirt. } * She digs herself into the ground. } * She closes her eyes to become blind. } * She can no longer tell the difference between forward and back. } * Final stage: she is cut in half, both part continue to live. } Soon, there are two of her. } } 2. She wants to be supple as one: } } * She sits with her feet behind her neck, using them as a pillow. } * She bends back to bite her toenails. } * She bends forward to bite them, but with straight knees. } * She stands on one leg, lifts the other from behind till it points } straight up, then lifts her head and kisses her ancle. } * Final stage: her bones become soft, and she can only move along } the ground, twisting and curling. } } 3. She wants to become an Internet worm: } } * She calls everyone and asks for the finger deamon. } * She writes strange letters, making the stupid postman do something } for her. } * She goes visiting all the neighbours to see if she can get in. If } she does, she starts looking for hidden keys. } * She starts calling herself "sh". } * Final stage: she has tricked some neighbours into making clones of } herself, after having sent the DNA pattern in letters. She is } starting to show up in more and more places. } } If you see any signs of #1 or #3, you must stop her immediately. You } may take a chance on #2, but don't let it get out of control. --- 126-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > I couldn't help noticing that if you scramble the letters in > > THE USENET ORACLE > > you get > > LOSE THE TUNE RACE > > In my home town each leap year on February 29th we hold a big tune > race in which we pick one of Slim Whitman's Greatest Hits and we have a > race to see who in the town can play it the fastest. I have won the > race for the past six years. Are you asking me to throw the race in > '92? Do you have money on one of the other contestants? This > subliminal stuff just isn't going to work. If you want me to throw the > race, you'll have to offer me something and it better be good if I'm to > lose the prestige accompanying the title of Slim, the fastest tuner in > my town. Nice try, though. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand...? } } See you up at the office. --- 126-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the famous song by long-haired Rod Stewart, "Every Picture Tells a > Story," he sings the title at the very end, over and over. Louder and > louder. In fact, so loud that I think it's *just possible* he's singing > something else ENTIRELY! This could be dangerous. What are we to do > about our children? Who knows what this Stewart person is ACTUALLY > saying? Could be any form of ungodly heathen Babel babble! > > I've listened! I *know*! As near as I can figure out, here's what he's > supposedly saying... > > "Every picture tells a story, don't it?" > > And these are some of the things he insidiously *slips in*!... > > "Arthur Treacher likes assorted donuts!" > > "Every preacher tastes like hairy fish nuts!" > > "Eva, pitch me up another Go-Bot!" > > "Ayatollah put th'seiks on Rushdie!" > > "I'm a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox!" > > > Can anything be done to stop this, madman???? > > (whoops, pardon the comma) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The actual lyrics are in fact "Take the skinheads bowling, wontcha?" Mr. } Stewart's amazing ability to slur the lyrics to this song, in addition } to the melody and rhythm, are the main factors in why his versionis more } well known than the version done by Camper Van Bethoven. } } You owe the Oracle a better taste in music. --- 126-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You've been working too hard, O-man. Why don't you ask ME a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK.... } } How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood } (and really wanted to, as well).