From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Feb 18 22:36:54 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #124 Message-ID: <36254@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 19 Feb 90 03:36:54 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 124 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #124 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 19 Feb 90 03:36:54 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 124-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MM''MMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM M' MMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM^^^^^^^^^MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM M MM"'MM > MMMMM'"M' MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMV' ^"MMMMMMMMMM. 'MM M M' .MM > MMM'M :M ;MV MMMMMMMMMM' ^MMMMMMMMMM. ": M .! .MMM > MM; M M :M' AMMMMMMV' "MMMMMMMMM. .'''. AMMMM > MMM ; ; M: MMMMMM' ^MMMMMMM' MMMMM > MMM. ; . M AMMMMV @@ @@ ^MMMM"" ' '. .MMMMM > MMMM . MMMMMV @''@ @''@ ^: .. ; .MMMMMM > MMM '"@" MMMMV @@ @@ MMMMMM.' MMMMMMM > MMM. ; ' ^MMMMMM. MMMMMMM > MMMM..'. .MM' MMMMMMM VMMMMM > MMMMM AMMMMMV ^MMMMMM. MMMMM > MMMM' MMMMMM: . . .. MMMMMMM MMMM > MMMM MMMMMM: @@. .' @@ : ^MMMM. MMM > MMM' MMM''': :@: `. .' ..@@@ : .MM > MMV '' : '@@@@: `. .' .@@@@@ ........./MMMMMM > MM : @@@@@. .` . .' . .@@@@@' MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MM:..........: ^@@@@@@@. `. - - - . '. .@@@@@@@@ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMM ^@@@@@@@@@@@@. ! .@@@@@@@@@@@@ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ^@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@@'..@@@@@@@@@@@@' AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA ^@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA @@@@@@@@@@@@"'O'OOOO'@@@@@@@' .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA ^@@@@@@@VOOOOOOO.OOO @@@V AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA ^@@@@OOOOOOOOO.OOO@' .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA @@@@.OOOOO.OO .AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA. OOOOO OOOO .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA.. OOOOOOOOOOO;MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM;OOOOOOOOOO.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM OOOOOOO.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM > MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMwwwMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't even try to fool the Oracle into thinking you weren't serious } about your flame message simply because you put a smiley at the end of } it. --- 124-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please write me a love letter, which fits both men and women, but > without being to vague . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, you asked for it. } } To my darling, } I have waited for so long to have you in my arms. Too many days pass } that I cannot have you to myself. Days are long when I do not see your } precious face. Please come to me so that I will no longer suffer in the } torment put upon me. But alas, if I may not have the one sweet thing } that brightens the days as the moonlight brightens the night I will no } longer live. Say you'll come to me and stay in my arms forever more. I } will give you things that you cannot get from anywhere else. I will } make your life so happy that you will no longer yern for the day of your } parting to the otherworld. I love you my dearest darling. } } Well, How 'bout them apples?! --- 124-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Gorbachev a CIA plant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shh. You have stumbled onto our secret. } I'm afraid that for reasons of national security, we are going to have } to terminate you. } [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP] } [sizzlesizzlesizzlesizzle] --- 124-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX AND LOVE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the difference between a tin whistle and a Stradivarius violin. } It's the difference between canned food service peas and fresh-picked } peas. It's the difference between IBM mainframes and real computers. } It's the difference between drinking Coors and drinking Champagne. It's } the difference between Velveeta and Brie. } } I forget which is which, though. --- 124-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What am I going to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see. You're going to miss a major exam in your advanced botany } class (sleep through it, probably). Then your lover will leave you for } someone of the alternate sex. Then you will attempt suicide by jumping } off a balcony. However, you will choose the wrong balcony, and you will } merely shatter your hip. A junior named Kim Larsen (you met her once at } a party) will call an ambulance, and ride with you to the emergency } room, and actually wait for you for seven hours until you are in a cast, } X-rayed, etc. She'll visit you in the hospital every day for the next } two weeks, and then help you get around for the next eight months. When } you get the cast off, you will be married. Your planned honeymoon to } Spain will start off extremely badly; you'll miss the plane by a few } seconds. You will then see it blow up on takeoff. It goes on like that } for a long time. Then it gets better. --- 124-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does belly-button lint come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Belly-button lint is a preliminary to the Invasion of the Ice Monsters } of Planet X. As part of their cruel, evil plan to conquer the Earth and } make it a world of misery, they have manufactured billions of } microscopic robots and programmed them to pick up bits of floss and } fluff and stuff it in humans' navels while they (the humans) are asleep. } } Other parts of their fiendish plan include: } } 1. Daylight-savings time. They manipulated the minds of Congress (not } an easy thing to do -- they had to find them first) and compelled } them to vote in favor of DST. Most of them thought that they were } voting in favor of a bill legalizing golf and driving. } } 2. MS-DOS. 'nuff said. } } 3. The Care Bears. If you have ever seen this show, you will realize } that it is simply an hour-long propeganda organ, urging children to } storm embassies and forcibly sell drugs to the embassy janitorial } staff for inflated prices under pain of death. } } 4. Fingernails. These fiendish devices are attached to human fingers } by microrobots excreting thin layers of calcium. They divert human } attention and frequently cause wounds. Furthermore, the Ice Monsters } own large shares of stock in all legally-licensed nailclipper } companies. (You may not realize it, but the U.S. Government } regulates nailclippers very severely. Last year twenty-two people } were executed for illegally producing them.) Three weeks before the } invasion, all companies will stop producing them, throwing the } country into chaos. } } 5. Tootsie Rolls (tm). These fiendishly-planned foods contain no real } chocolate. They are provided to children in large numbers to keep } them from realizing how good chocolate is, thereby reducing the } level of human morale. } } The list goes on and on. Nasal hair, indigestion, beets, girl-scout } cookies, opera, rain, slugs, eggplant, and so on and so on. } } You owe the Oracle an Ice Monster Melter (tm). --- 124-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between a bicycle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of all the stupid questions! } } 1. A bicycle is a method of transportation, not a means of keeping } others out. } 2. A bicycle can't fly. } 3. You can't wear a bicycle } 4. Bicycles are not implements of torture. (in general, that is) } 5. Bicycles don't play fetch. } 6. Bicycles don't have red hair. } 7. Bicycles aren't slimy and disgusting. } 8. You can't soak meat or vegetables in a bicycle overnight and make } it taste better. } 9. You can't eat bicycle. } 10. Bicycles are legal and moral and not sexually deviant. } 11. Bicycles can't fly. } 12. It's very uncomfortable sleeping with your head on a bicycle. } } OHFPM. --- 124-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what are the long term effects of twinkie consumption? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The effects are very good indeed. As you probably know, the average } North American eats approximately 100 Twinkies(TM) each year -- that's } about 25 billion of them altogether. Let's review the consequences: } } As you probably know, the Hostess Twinkie originated in the 1930s. } Almost immediately, the depression ended, and America got back to work. } Ten years later, it was the Twinkie that gave the U.S. the strength to } win World War II. (Britain, which was still Twinkie-less in those days, } would have lost without our help.) Next came the glorious fifties, and } Twinkies were there, helping to give rock 'n' roll its distinctive } sound. } } In the sixties and seventies, Twinkie consumption dropped dramatically, } which resulted in the Vietnam War debacle, and, later, Watergate. The } one bright area was the growth of computing, thanks to Twinkie-laden } hackers. } } In the eighties, Twinkies became more popular than ever among yuppies } and highly-leveraged stockbrokers, and our economy has never been } better. Who knows what the nineties will bring? But one thing's for } sure -- if anything good happens, you know there'll have been a Twinkie } involved somewhere. --- 124-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is truth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Truth is "validity in all models." This, unfortunately, includes model } railroads. Almost nothing is valid in a model railroad, so almost } nothing is true. } } You owe the Oracle a new HH engine. --- 124-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alright look. Do you have any idea how many times I have been asked } that question? Do you, foolish mortal though you may be, even begin to } comprehend how annoying it is to have to continue to come up with } original answers to that question? I really don't think you deserve an } answer, but I will at least help you find one. I have included a short } bibliography of some of the better literature on the subject. Look it } up yourself. You think your parents put you through college just so you } could ask dumb questions? Wrong! } } Chucking Bibliography } } Finklestein, Ernest "Chucking and Wood: A Scholarly Approach" } (Minneapolis: Icy Winter Press, 1978). } } Schmidlapp, Marvin "The Woodchuck in Western Society: 1676-1980" } (London: Oxford Animal Press, 1983). } } Warringtoning, Edna "The Role of Feminism in Woodchuck Determination and } Development: The Comprehensive Picture" (New Dehli: Holy Cow & Co. } 1967). } } All of these books can most likely be found in the library of your } nearest scholarly institute. Maybe this'll teach you to ask dumb } questions of the omnipotent oracle. } } You owe the oracle a 15-20 page term paper comparing the above three } sources.