From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 16 18:24:34 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #119 Message-ID: <36132@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Feb 90 23:24:34 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 119 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #119 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Feb 90 23:24:34 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 119-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does it mean when a girl keeps scratching her belly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh. The Oracle despairs of ever being asked a precise question. } The key issue here is under what conditions does she keep scratching } her belly? } } - If she has just fallen in poison ivy, then your asking implies } that you are too foolish to understand this reply. } } - If she is pregnant then she is probably worried about the odd } twinge she feels right _there_. } } - If she is slovenly then it is probably fleas. (The Oracle will } not comment on the particular girl to whom you refer.) } } - If she is extremely attractive, single, and intelligent, then } it means that she has a horrible, fatal, communicable disease } that only the Oracle can cure. You should not date her, but } instead send her name, address and phone number to the Oracle. } } - If she is ROTC then this is a mating signal. Go and give her a } hug. } } However, if she fits into none of the above categories, then her } persistent scratching probably means that her belly itches. --- 119-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, > > It is now approximately 2:00am and I have been bothered by a severe > affliction. by a severe affliction. I seem to repeat things twice. > things twice. Do you know how to cure how to cure this problem this > problem? Ack Ack It's It's Getting Worse Worse Getting!! > > Hi this is his brother! The cat just peed on the keyboard and its > starting to smoke and spaR ;uwv/kbv'owyv &*878|\[[ *OUCH* Spark! Should > we also kill the cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have pondered your question deeply. Here is what you must do. Go to } the nearest 24-hour grocery store and buy fifty packages of gelatin. } The brand is not important. Put the gelatin in your bathtub and fill it } with hot water. When it starts to set, get the cat and put it in the } tub. Then wait. You will be contacted with further instructions. --- 119-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it worth buying rechargeable batteries for my vibrator ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That will all depend on the size and output vpm (vibes per minute). If } you have one of these "Mega Black Mamba Thumpers", then definitly as the } batteries will only last a few minutes - even car batteries can't keep } up with these babies. But on the other hand (oops is there a pun } there!) if you bought on to supliment you boyfriend then a couple of } digital watch batteries will be sufficient s(t)imulate your needs. } } But it sounds like you are in need of satisfaction real good! So why } not dump the vibro' and boyfriend and give me a call: } } oracle@sex.satisfy.chains.edu } } you owe the oracle a good time. --- 119-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better; a good woman, or a good cigar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh. Again, the Oracle despairs of ever being asked a precise } question. You neglected to specify for what purpose these were being } compared. } } If you want to know which is better for lighting with a match so as } to generate carcinogens and announce to all the world that you have } certain sexual fixations, then the cigar is better. } } If you want to know which is better as a companion for life, a } President of the United States, or a way to keep warm, then a woman is } better. } } However, the Oracle is all-knowing, and know that in this case you } were referring as to how to best satisfy your own carnal desires. In } this case the answer is the cigar, but that is only because you happen } to be a *very* weird individual. When you are done, you might want to } light up a woman and relax... } } In payment for this wisdom you owe the Oracle a decent question. --- 119-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHO > IS > THAT > GUY > THAT > IS > ALWAYS > WATCHING > ME? > > He follows me when I go to school. He follows me when I go home. He > follows me when I go to work. He's always there, rain or shine. > > I know he's not good. He must be evil. I know this because he has bad > taste-- he watches me even when I'm on the toilet. > > Oh, Oracle, what do I do? > > People tell me I'm paranoid. They say that I'm imagining things. They > keep insisting that I'm wrong, wrong, wrong. They think I'm weird > because I'm an English major. > > I enjoy being an English major. English professors tell you how to > write correctly. They teach you to use refrains, like: > > Oh, Oracle, what do I do? > > And neat poetry things like that. They > > TEACH > YOU > TO > WRITE > IN > STRANGE, > WONDERFUL > FORMS > to modify > your expression > . > > But this guy's still following me. He's probably looking over my > shoulder, breathing down my neck, even as I write this. > > I wonder what he wants. > > Oh, Oracle, what do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't be alarmed. It sounds like nothing more than your Guardian Nerd. } Angels are now in short supply, so other types are being recruited to } the Guardian business. Even though you are an English major (and, by } the way, congratulations on your fine English!), you apparently use } computers as well, and so a Nerd was thought appropriate for you as your } Guardian. } } Unfortunately, of course, a Guardian Nerd is still a Nerd, not an Angel, } so he's not going to be fluttering about your head all day. Being shy } and rather short on social skills, he watches from a distance and } doesn't actually speak to you. His presence in your bathroom indicates } either great dedication to duty or the previously-mentioned lack of } social skills. } } You should treat your Guardian Nerd with kindness and respect, even if } he does pick his nose rather a lot. After all, he's looking out for } your welfare! Smile at him. And toss him a piece of pizza or an egg } roll from time to time. --- 119-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm in desperate need of some good and hot phone sex but I don't have a > major credit card and my phone has been blocked for 900 service. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take your phone and place it in the oven, set it to 150 deg Fahr. } Lubricate it with some silicone and then place it in a body oriface } of your choice. } } You now owe the oracle your favourite 900 number --- 119-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is Linda? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, I'm glad you didn't ask me "Where the hell is Linda". Those calls } to Hell are a big drain. I hate the slime-dripping envelopes they send } the bill in... } } Ok, you want to know where Linda is? Just a minute... } } Process ORACLE_1 Spawned } $show user/full linda } no such user LINDA } $eoj } Logging out process ORACLE_1 } } Well, she isn't around here. She's probably back at your place... } Lemme check. } } } Hmmm... lemme see... ah, there it is.. } dum de dum... ah, there she is. Hmmmm... HMMMMMMM! } .... } Wow! } I didn't know... oops... } } } Well, I hate to tell you this... but she IS back at your place. And } she appears to be having an affair with your german shepard, Rex. } } You owe the oracle your dog Rex. --- 119-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, > > This is Bart from Sam's Sex Emporium. It has recently come to my > attention that you are long past due on payments of your bill. Could I > please have a valid explanation for said delay? Or shall I just remove > the offending member from you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Bart, } } Under separate cover I am sending you my medical bills for the past 18 } months, incurred in a futile attempt to treat the leprosy I picked up } last time I visited Sam's Sex Emporium. I am also sending you my } offending member, since it recently removed itself. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of Unguentine. --- 119-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I bought some cream to make my penis larger. I put some in my hands to > rub it in and now my hands are HUGH. I can't type on my keyboard > anymore and I'm sending this with my nose, (it hurts to send mail this > way). Oh Oracle, what am I going to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a case of what is known as extremitas nerviosis, or body-part } jealousy. It is latent in all non-penile body parts, which, naturally, } are quite jealous that the penis always gets to have all the fun. } } It sounds like the active ingredient in the cream is Boneroxyium-3, } which, while facilitating erections when applied to the penis, also } causes extremitas nerviosis when applied to other body parts. In other } words, your hands have penis envy. Normally, Boneroxyum-3 products come } with a pair of titanium gloves for application... Maybe next time you } should read the directions. } } Unfortunately, this condition is uncurable; however, there are ways to } control the swelling. You must keep your hands in an unexcited state. } Avoid handling soft, squishy items like bananas, jello, or tubes of KY } jelly. Bulbous foods with smooth skins, like melons or peaches, should } also be avoided. When you see a female with attractive hands } (especially the ones with long, but not bony, fingers, long, curving } nails, well manicured, with blood-red polish... Ooh!!),thrust your own } hands into your pockets and think of chapped skin and blisters. } } By learning to control your condition, you can benefit from your } newfound skill. Few people will pick a fight with someone whose fist is } as big as their head. Women seem to be attracted to men with latge } extremeties in general, and you will probably find your sex life } improving. They also seem to like it when you "finger" them. } } Incidentally, if you were typing with your nose, how did you manage to } type capital letters? The Oracle is looking for men with skilled } tongues to work for the "Oracle Dating/Escort Service~. We offer full } job training and excellent benefits, and you make your own hours. Call } Nancy in the office during business hours for details. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of that stuff. --- 119-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, why is it that whenever I write to you, you either never answer, > or you give me some snide, smart-ass remark? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You puny, purescent gob of bloody mucus from a dead anteaters } throat. You festering boil from under the scrotum of a leperous } baboon.How DARE you address ME, the great and powerful OZ...er, um, I } mean, the omniscient Oracle in such an impudent manner. You ask me the } most inane, idiotic questions, and expect me to shove all others aside } to rush to you and you banalities. Well, you drop of pus from a } syphillitic rats rectum, you have finally gotten my attention, and you } will regret it! The sheer gall of you to claim MY answers are "snide" } and "smart ass" belies the fact that you mother made her fortune } screwing donkeys and goats in a sleazy waterfront warehouse in Borneo. } I'll make you penis swell with pus until it bursts, I'll give you dry } leprosy in your scrotum, I'll make your throat swell shut untill you } suffocate for 2 days. Your prospects for the future are not bright. } I've threatened you, but all these ideas will seem trite when you learn } of your true fate, you ambulatory hemmarroid. However, I will not tell } you about it, thou bleeding ulcer in the bowels of a rotting elephant } carcass, no, the first you will discover about your fate is when it } befalls you. Until then, uneasy dreams, you bloated bag of disynteric } coyote excrement. } } You owe the Oracle some Rolaids (I made myself sick).