From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 13 9:47:46 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #115 Message-ID: <35666@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Feb 90 14:47:46 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 115 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #115 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Feb 90 14:47:46 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 115-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I tell my girlfriend, without hurting her feelings, that she > really ought to wear a bra or something under that tight, white sweater? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give your girlfriend a copy of the following poem: } } Oh Darling of mine } I love you so } And this is why } I want you to know: } } I love your body } I love your mind } but you should know } that I'm in a bind } } The sweaters you wear } I love with much sound } But I just don't like } when your boobs flap around } } If you would just wear } something for me } some nice underwear } say, 36 C } } with pretty pink lace } and a little white bow } you'll be gorgeous for all } and know one will know } } Remember I love you } from your head to your foot } but I'll love you better } when your boobs stay put. } } You owe the Oracle a bra. The Oracle wears a 42 DD. --- 115-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The piss race is when you flush the toilet and then start urinating in > an effort to finish before the water stops flowing. How many people > do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, my child, every human who has seen indoor plumbing has done } this at one time or another. (Males have the most fun, as they can } watch the yellow water water swirling around.) A more pertinant question } would be how many males can make a descent rendition of the Beatle's } "Magical Mystery Tour" albumn cover while pissing in the snow. (For } those who drink less water, start with the white albumn.) --- 115-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I've got the (It's a world of) lyrics to "It's a (of hope > and fears) Small World" stuck in (world that we share, and it's time) my > head! (It's a small, small, world.) How can I (and it's time we're > aware) get them (It's a small world, after all) out (It's a) before > (small world) I go (after all) insane?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Just put something else there.... } Here, use this } } Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me, } Small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to meet me.... } } "Small World" will then be dispaced to someone else's head. --- 115-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Long ago, when the land was beseeched by the forces of evil, there was a > propehsy that one day would come a means by which all men would be have > access to the information and knowledge that at this time is only > available to the finest minds. It was also prophesized that one person > would rise up as one who could give answers to even the simplest of > these people, and that he would lead them. O Oracle, is it possible > that you are this man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes I'm the one, but don't spread it around. The access methods are } still too limited so the prophecy has not been fulfilled... } } You owe the oracle 4 billion free network accounts. --- 115-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, I want to glow in the dark. What is the cheapest medical > or surgical procedure to do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in luck: humans Naturally glow in the dark---this according to } recent work of Profs. Pons anD Fleishmann of cold fusion fame, who } dismiss other researchers' failure to replicate their experiment and } brush aside objections to their methodology (P&F report that they } conduct their experiments in daylight, then subtract out the sun's } luminosity to calculate the intensity of the human aura). Pons and } Fleishmann warn, however, that their photometry suggests that this human } aura is extremely faint, and advise people wishing to enhance their } natural glow to supplement their diet with Heavy Water laced with } Tritium and Vitamin E and garnished with a maraschino cherry. } } Not unpredictably, this prescription has received less than glowing } reviews from the medical community. The Oracle suggests that you try } instead to enhance the sensitivity of the intended observer of your } natural glow by supplementing his/her diet with lysergic acid, an } approach equally unsanctioned by thE FDA but with much better anecdotal } evidence in its favor. --- 115-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, sing me a song about mooses in the computer labs here at Penn > State (pretty please?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh the mooses (da dee dum) } On the looses (da dee dum) } They never snoozes by the CRT (ta da dee yada. tada dee yada) } } Oh the mooses (ba ba boom) } On the looses (ba dee yada) } Never gooses anybody but thee! (beedeebeedeebeedebee) } } Oh, yes (tadadada) } You guessed (deedeedeedy) } Edwin was that mooses name. (Spadeeyaddeeyada) } } Oh yes (babadooba) } You guessed (shah be daba) } All the mooses name' were all the same. } } Chor: } Gaga boga } Pas de deux da } Wadn dadda bop bop } Wadn dadda bop bop } Heebi jeebie wop wop } Skeebie dadn hop hop } Wah ba bab bababababababababababababa } } Yes, Edwin Meese (pababa) } Came to town (dadada) } And started to tear (f'bam) } The Constitution down (ndada) } Every body said } They didn't need is any way (shazam) } And that's why the Republicans } Got to stay (fadooba) } } Boba dodn nada } Semi attn nada } Pe or i AAAAAAAAA! } } You owe the oracle a copy of "The Skat in the Hat." --- 115-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, most interesting and wise, > > I must know, why is it that my "Gas Dynamics Volume I" book for my > compressible flow and propulsion course costs $105 when the rest of my > books usually cost half that much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question has confounded the minds (and pocketbooks) of students } ever since cave-students had to shell out rocks for cave-paintings. } } However, thanks to research and new advances in quantitative economic } and decision science, the function of cost can be roughly computed using } this simple equation: } } cost = yz+qr } C*x*s*t* ------- } uva } where: } x=displacement of book in cubic centimeters } y=number of useful equations } z=number of obscure definitions } q=number of original ideas } r=number of analogies/illustrations } s=number of people who must have this book for a class } t=edition number } u=number of quarters/semesters you'll need this book } v=number of people who actually read this book } a=number of other books you'll need for the class } C=book constant (which can be found in a book which costs $9000 } } Remember, the cost of books can be kept low by choosing your classes } carefully. --- 115-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm an oracleholic. Tell me what is the proper number of questions to > ask you every day? How come I snap up the oracularities like they're a > new Tom Clancy novel? Why is my wife trying to cut down on my terminal > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To paraphrase Jay Leno, ``Ask all you want, I'll answer more''. My } child, there is no limit to my patience in answering questions. } } However, if you are trying to cut down (and if your wife is asking you } to cut down, you had better cut down!) then you may want to try sending } to "oraclelite" which has shorter, more useless answers and less tar } than the regular Oracle. } } To cut down on your dependence, remember that you choose the questions, } you also choose the answers. You never ask a question without knowing } the answer; however you often choose not to know the answer. Once you } have realized this, there is no need to ask---except to receive the } answer. } } You owe the Oracle a Tom Clancy novel. --- 115-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I ever finish my Ph.D.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Following a six-year period of great personal tragedy you will pen the } final words to your disertation. Your advisors and the faculty of your } school will be monumentally impressed with your conclusions, and will } begin cautious discussions of hiring you on as a full professor. The } industries will catch wind of your work, and significant corporate } in-fighting will erupt as they prepare positions and salaries to entice } your employment. Your family and children will all gain some acclaim in } their own circles, by benefit of being related to such a celebrated } scholar. Two months before your graduation, the president will make an } oblique reference to the breakthrough your work signifies (though he } won't say your name outright). That same evening, aboard Airforce One, } he will pen a personal letter of congratulations and Presidential Thanks } to you. On the day of your graduation, while putting on your robes for } the ceremony, a private airplane will circle the campus, streaming a } banner behind it that bears your name, a bold THANK YOU!, and the name } of the town's mayor. People will look up, applaud, turn and see you, } and cheer with great vigor. You'll hear thick emotion in the voice of } your college's president as he calls you to the podium to receive your } degree where approximately eight feet from his outstretched hand you } will lose control of your sphincter and soil yourself prodigiously on } national television. Public opinion will turn, all offers will be } withdrawn, and you'll die lonely and unknown with nothing but a grey and } tattered college diploma for company. } } Yes, you will complete your Ph.D. } } You owe the Oracle the rights to your biography. --- 115-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some questions I ask you are answered very quickly, others take quite > a lot of time. If, oh wise one, you are omniscient then why does it > take so long to answer my simple questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being omniscient doesn't preempt me from network traffic. There are } several networks a message must traverse before I can even look at it: } } 1) The Internet -- a low technology mass of spaghetti. } 2) The Indiana LAN -- a slightly higher technology mass of spaghetti. } 3) The Oracular Transponder Packet Switched Slotted ALOHA Far Away In } Space Instantaneous Get The Question To Me Network (ORTRANPACK- } SALOHAFARAINSINSTGTQMENet) This is a high-technology piece of } spaghetti attached to a very complicated looking FM antenna. } 4) The Oracle Local Area Network (OLANet) -- This network is used by } the acolytes and myself to play Flight Simulator battles with each } other. } 5) My terminal... It's an original SUN 3/50. } } As you can see, it's not MY network load that causes the slowdown, it's } the flight simulator throughput, er..., it's the load on the Internet. } } Yeah, that's the ticket. } } You owe the oracle a dive bombing run.