From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jan 28 13:53:17 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #110 Message-ID: <34140@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 28 Jan 90 18:53:17 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 110 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #110 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 28 Jan 90 18:53:17 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 110-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My flatmate says she is going to get a tie-dye hession rug to throw > over the couch. How can I snap her out of these hippy tendancies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She must be deprogramed. To start, find a large white room with plain, } white walls and a large jello filled swimming pool. Place her in this } room and tell her that she is an ameoba. Continue to do this until she } really believes that she is an amoeba. After this you can start } reprogramming her to be a useful productive member of the flat. Take } her up through all the levels of evolution (ie. amoeba, slug, } politician, yuppies, heavy metal groupie, system administrators, } neanderthals, Elvis, The Monkeys, and finally a normal, well adjusted } human being). } } If this method fails try again, but take her all the way back to IRS } representative (three levels below amoeba). } } Barring all else acquire a large blunt object. Proceed to pummel her on } the head and neck until common sense is restored. } } You owe the Oracle 75 boxes of jello and a normal well adjusted human } wearing a tie-dyed left shoe. --- 110-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gene got to go to Usenix! Mark got to go to Usenix!! Even *Stephen > Kinzler* got to go to Usenix!!!! How come *I* don't get to go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gene got to go because of a karmic refraction of good deeds done in } pre-Revolution France. } } Mark got to go because he ate his beans as a child. } } Stephen Kinzler got to go because he is Stephen Kinzler, and has clout } on astral planes beyond your comprehension. } } You didn't get to go because you're an insufferable putz. } } } I'm glad I could make this clear. --- 110-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose orafices contain the universe, > > Given the current socio-economic clime, is it in my fiscal best > interests to begin a rampage of violence and debauchery in the hopes of > establishing a fraudulent new religion, or should I just sit back, > chill, and be mellow? > > Answer quickly, if you could. I have a friend coming over tonight and > we haven't made any definite plans... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is afraid (that's a manner of speech, of course -- the Oracle } is not really afraid) that the current socio-economic clime has very } little to do with your future. } } Instead, discusted with the Oracle's answer, you and your friend (who, } by the way, is hiding something from you) will watch MTV, eat } malted-milk balls, and drink too much beer and tequila while making rude } comments to each other. } } Tomorrow morning, after having also rejected the Oracle's advice to take } plenty of vitamins B-complex and C with your alchohal, you will have a } truly collossal hangover. (The Oracle doesn't know why the Oracle } bothers with you at all since you never listen.) You will then stumble } into a (sober) nun of the Church of the Orange Flavored Mints of Our } Sweet-breathed Lady who will capture your heart with her effective } self-defense techniques. After you regain consciousness, she will help } you up from the ground and you will experience a profound revelation and } convert instantly. You will spend the rest of this decade serving the } nuns in whatever capacity they require, and will end the millenium with } an alergy to oranges and some disgusting habits. } } The Oracle recommends that you put your worldly affairs in order } tonight, take B-complex and C before you drink, and watch your friend } very carefully. } } You owe the Oracle some nasty habits, payable in 2001. --- 110-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and humble oracle through whose ventricle all > wisdom flows, and who is most learned in epistemology: > > Consider the phrase "up chuck". If I had ever stopped to > think about it, as a youth, I should have ventured that this derived > from the word "chuck" meaning "to throw", and thus quite literally > means "to throw up". But in they fullness of maturity (as witnessed > by my preoccupations) I considered that "chuck" means food, chow, as > in "chuck wagon", and that "up" can be used as a verb. Perhaps, I > thought, "up chuck" means literally, "to loft chow". And yet again, > perhaps the phrase "up chuck" is merely onomonopoeic, as sound > resembling the sound of the action itself. > > I ask you, oh oracle, which of these interpretations is > correct, and why would a 41 year old professor bother his graying > head about these matters? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear humble servant of mine, Don't think that any of your choices are } correct. What the phrase "up chuck" really means is to lift the man } named chuck up into the air so that he may retrieve the meal that you } have thrown up. --- 110-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is God's e-mail address? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When I was sworn in as high and mighty Oracle many centuries ago, I } was given many Secrets. Since I need to talk frequently with God, I } was given his e-mail address, but I am not supposed to let it slip } into the hands of mere mortals. Since I am feeling particularly } frisky today, I will ask God if I can let it slip to you, but you must } protect it with your life. } } Mighty Oracle: God? } God: Yes? } O: There's a human here who want to know your e-mail address. } G: I see. That's very dangerous information. Merely uttering it in } the vicinity of a computer can cause an army of angels to appear } indignantly. Let me tell you, there is nothing more unpleasant than } an indignant angel. } O: Yes, I know. But, he swears he will take extreme care. Besides, } what is the use of an e-mail address if no one on Earth knows it. } G: Oh, very well. Tell him. } } God's e-mail address is <>. --- 110-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to seduce a squid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is no "best" way to seduce a squid: the proper method depends on } the time, place, and the characteristics of the mollusk you wish to } engage with. } } But have hope! Here are some helpful hints to get you in the running } with your tentacled sweetheart: } } 1) Make sure the object of your affection is a squid and } not an octopus. You can tell the difference between the } two by counting the tentacles (Ten for a squid, eight for } an octopus). Octopii are very shy creatures that prefer } to be by themselves. Any effort to romantically engage } an octopus will surely result in an inky face. } } 2) Grow eight extra arms. If you are too lazy or too rushed to } do this, then hop down to your local morgue and swipe some } off of the "customers." A good microsurgeon should be able } to attach them correctly. Just remember to get them in pairs! } You would look silly with six left arms and four right ones! } Either way, grow them in a radial arrangement around your chest. } } 3) Learn to breathe underwater. After all, it would be a faux pas } to ask your SO to learn to breathe air. } Underwater breathing lessons are easy: just tie a large rock } to your feet and jump in a swimming pool. After about a half- } hour, you should have the hang of it. } } 4) Go see the squid. Don't forget your breath spray! } } Of course, if by "squid" you meant a water polo player, then I regret to } inform you that any effort on your part will be wasted. Water polo } players are eunichs as a result of overexposure to chlorinated water. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of East Indian Blue Octopus Writing Ink } (jumbo size) and photos of you and your lover. --- 110-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me o-oracle... > > What on earth is 'Cheese Whiz'? > > ~FloYd And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The `Cheese Wiz', or the `Grand and Wonderful Wizard of Cheese' to use } his full title, was once the supreme ruler and magician of the secret } and magical Land of Cheese. Cheese is divided into four regions, or } Wedges (the Munchkin Wedge is the most famous); but surrounding Cheese } there is an impassible and deadly Cracker. The Cheese Wiz built a fair } city at the center of Cheese, constructed entirely out of green cheese } which he imported from the Moon. Each Wedge was ruled by a witch. The } North and South Wedges were ruled by good Witches, who followed the } Wiccan Rede and honored the Goddess and the God at Solstice, Equinox, } and the other great holidays. But the East and West were ruled by } wicked witches (in the style of, say, Nancy Reagan rather than } Starhawk), who preached Christian Fundamentalism and brought prejudice } and woe to their subjects. } } Fortunately, a tornado carried a Missouri outhouse containing Dotty Gale } and her little ferret Tutu. Following the freedom-bringing model of the } little ferret's namesake (the Archbishop Desmond Tutu, one of the } leaders of the South African Independence Movement), Dotty and Tutu } organized the Munchkin Liberation Front, and freed the Eastern Wedge. } Dotty and Tutu then travelled to the Green Cheese City, hoping that the } Cheese Whiz would send them home. I'm sure you know the rest. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the entire Cheese series, all 46 books and } four comics. --- 110-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You should send that to question to the oracle!@ > ^^^ oops, THE Oracle.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Ye of little grey matter: } } I, being Omniscient, know exactly what you are trying to say, but if } you can not take the time to phrase the question so that other readers } can understand, I will not waste my time answering it. To quote a } popular game show host: "Oops, you forgot to put it in the form of a } question!" } } The Omniscient Oracle. --- 110-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise, Most supreme knowledgeable one of the Universe, most > simply amazing creature to walk the planet, too worthy to answer the > questions of mortal scum such as myself *grovel, grovel*, He who is > closer to God than the Pope himself, I ask thee, who hast more power in > his pinky than the very tides of the oceans. Is this enough originality > in addressing you to get a date with Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, I'm surprised nobody has asked me sooner. She told me that if } anyone ever got the idea to ask me how, I should tell them exactly how } to get in touch with her. First, you... } } Uh... } } Hmmm..... } } Boy, I hate to tell you this but I seem to have forgotten. Wow, I can't } believe it. She got this really hot-looking skimpy outfit she's been } saving for her date too. Hmph, I really have forgotten. Well, it looks } like you are out of luck. Sorry. } } - The Omniscient Oracle } } P.S. I lied. I was just having fun at your expense. I actually do } remember. I just won't tell you. It sucks to be you, doesn't } it? --- 110-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, sing me a song about the pumpkins of Israel. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a song } By Marvin K. Trong } And it sucks, and it's stupid, and it's much too long: } } Pumpkins lived in Israel, } Quite some time ago. } Pumpkins grew in Israel, } Thru the sleet and the hail and the snow. } } They were raised and slaughtered in Israel, } They were eaten whole. } They were grown in Israel, } By some dumb ... asshole! } } Singing: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } Or they'll shoot you to - er - } hell. } } Then one pumpkin [whose name was Bob] } Started getting pissed off. } The farmer tried to ward him off, but... } well, Bob blew his fist off. } } Chorus: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } Or they'll shoot you to hell. } } So, friends, before you kill that pumpkin, } Heed the words of my song. } Don't kill the pumpkin, be nice to it! } Or you won't live very long... } } One more time: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } They'll shoot you to hell. } } And remember the pumpkins, } Don't kill the pumpkins, } Or they'll come back } TO GET YOU!!! } } song by haphip@ucscb.