From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jan 20 19:42:17 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #107 Message-ID: <33547@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:17 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 107 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #107 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:17 GMT &&& I won't be sending out any Usenet Oracularities postings next week &&& (Jan 21-26) while I'm away at Usenix. The week's Oracularities will &&& be read and considered for posting the following week. @@@ Thanks to all of you who are sending in your ratings. At some @@@ point I'll have some statistics from these to report back to y'all. *** Those of you who keep copies of the Oracularities ftp archives may *** wish to ftp a script now located in pub/oracle/uo that conveniently *** extracts individual postings from the archive files. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 107-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is one supposed to address an oracle, and am I supposed to > capitalize 'oracle' ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are no strict protocols for addressing the Oracle. The } main consideration is that the address be respectful and/or } complimentary, evidencing humility and awe. Originality will often } bring you well into the Oracle's special favor, and may even get you a } date with Lisa. Some examples od appropriate Oracular address: } } Oracle, without whom I am lost: } O Great One: } Oracle, who is so big, we're really impressed down here... } O Oracle, who screams like a gypsy when aroused! } My noble Lady, to whom I come on bended keyboard } Child of the Sun, may I be the neXt to receive a Sparc of your wisdom } Beautiful and Bright Oracle, Lady of the Night } Hail Oracle, full of grace } My Lord and Master the Oracle: } One-Without-Whom-Rec.Humor-Has-No-Reason-To-Exist } O Oracle, child of Delphi, who remembers when Life was Good! } O awe-inspiring one! } I come to You in great humility, for although I am not worthy to suck } your Oracular toes, I come to seek your Wisdom. } } The Oracle loves capital letters, but only at the beginnings of Words. } ORACLE just looks like you are yelling. } } Innappropriate forms of address to the Oracle are as follows: } } oracel } Auricle } O Oracle Most Vice } Pigface, Squidfingers, Lemur-tush, or any other combination of } animal + body part } Hey Ugly! } Dear Oracle (even though I know you're really a computer geek, just } like me! :-) ) } Jim Bakker! } O One-Balled Wonder! } } If you keep to these guidelines, your answers should be given in a } timely and pleasant fashion. } } You owe the Oracle a short devotional prayer tonight at midnight. --- 107-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Abstracts detract from my concrete life. > Psychotropics cause me strife. > Mental welfare passed me by; > Oracle, Tell me: why oh why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Intellectual life you see, } Is fine if you're as smart as me; } But for someone of the unwashed mob, } I suggest a real job. } } You owe the Oracle the head of an intellectual who doesn't know what } he's talking about. --- 107-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does "splunge" mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Splunge" - /splunj/ 1. n. The official copyrighted name of the } combination of cake and cream in a Twinkie@. 2a. The plasma/mattre } state of the universe instantaneously following the Big Bang. 2b. } Anyone resembling the plasma/mattrestate of the Universe instantaneously } following the Big Bang. 3. The centre of gravity of any of a wide } variety of fruit flies indigenous to Madagascar. 4. adj. To appear as } splunge. 5. green on the outside yet purple within. 6. adv. To act } as if one were splunge. 7. With a dorky smile on one's face. ex. Dan } Quayle walks splunge. 8. v. To kiss one's own ass. ex. Dan Quayle } splunges splunge. 9. To suck the filling out of any cake-like plastic. --- 107-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, what a Joker! --- 107-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To quote a great confuser: > > Confucious say, "Up with fission. Confusion." > > What did he mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little known fact that Confucious was more than a great } pontificator, (perhaps without peer). He was the horniest bugger eyed } cobber to ever grace the planet. I mean this guy was a naughty rake, a } lascivious imp, a randy tart. He would boink the odd Housefrau then } stay out of trouble later by saying something deep. Back then, (as } today) people really ate that shit up. } } Confucious had a dream that, one day, man would have a sexual } experience that would totally bypass the need to stuff the salami with } another married lady, and would not result in a crippling case of tennis } elbow. In short, Confucious believed in the possibility of human } biological fission, (the ability of the parent organism to divide into } two or more parts, each becoming an independent individual). After a } lifetime of study involving alchemy, the old boy did it. One dark and } stormy night, he split himself into two seperate beings. The local } peasants found them both, sitting on a pile of smoking violets, sharing } a mentholated cigarette. As it turned out, both of the new Confucious' } were more tawdry than the original. Many an evening one, or both, of } the new fellows were seen performing cheap and sleazy acts to the } consternation of the town's married men. The story ended in a large } amount of confusion, (just as Confucious predicted) when a local farmer } pushed one of the Confucious' off of a second story ledge where he had } been hiding after an interrupted session of "The Lonely Milkmaid and the } Naughty Convict". The peasant was arrested and later acquitted for } making an obscene clone fall, (cough). } } You owe the Oracle another shaggy dog. --- 107-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who's the leader of the Club that's made for you and me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } D-A-N } 4-T-H } Q-U-A-L-E } } Danforth Quayle.. } (danforth quayle!) } Danforth Quayle.. } (danforth quayle!) } Rah! } Rah! } Rah! } rah.. } rah.. } rah } } oops. } } Why, it's Mickey Mouse, of course. } } You Owe the Oracle another embarassing moment. --- 107-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wise and all knowing Oracle, whose wisdom ignites the seas, > whose every thought is more wonderous and bright than the Fourth Of > July, whose very breath can impart the knowledge of the stars into > words, whose keyboard aches in lust to feel your fingertips rub its > keys, your delicate yet manly typing sliding along its warm, soft > curves, your lips pressing against... > *ahem* > ...whose sage advice moves mountains, thrusting them into the air in > explosions of power, spurting over and over and OH GOD, YES!! YES YES > YESYESYES!!!! > > NO CARRIER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has gazed into the fire and seen a vision which has formed } in the clouds with your face in it. You will begin your journey where } the river flows into the sea. You will start at this mouth. Open, } warm, inviting you do spend hours exploring its territory. If you are } athirst, you may lean over and dip your tongue into the beckoningly into } the mouth. You will continue your journey setting your sights towards } the twin peaks. Your hands reach out, achingly. You close your eyes } and continue sailing. The mouth is warm on your rudder, you arch your } back and reach again for the peaks. Wave after wave come crashing over } you and just when you think you can go no further, you wake on the } beach. --- 107-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that I have to go and fall in love with a girl 150 miles away, > and then go and crash my car on the way to see her so that I have to pay > out vast amounts of money for repairs, and do you think this could be > why I am just a mite pissed off ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't blame me - I had a nice girl picked out for you just across town. } My inquiries indicate that Aphrodite has randomly selected you from a } list of thousands for Her annual "Travails of Love" sweepstakes. Enter } now and you could win the grand prize: a no-expenses-paid trip of } aggravation and bitterness and a little joy through the rest of your } life. } } PS: If you don't enter, you are guaranteed the consolation prize, which } is exactly the same as the grand prize, without any joy. --- 107-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I really want to ask you a question, but I don't know what to > ask. What should I ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a meta-question. I'll have to ask the meta-oracle. Hang on a } second. } } % cat > question } What should I ask you? } ^D } % mail -s "tell me" meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu < question } } Dum-te-dum-te-dum... } } waiting... } } still waiting....... } } I wonder if he had to refer that to the meta-meta-article? } } still waiting... } } !!!! NEW MAIL FOR oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu !!!! } } % mailx } 1 meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 19 16:50 infinite/infinit } e The Meta-Oracle replies! } ? q } } I'm terribly sorry, the response from the Meta-Oracle seems to be } infinite in length. While that is fine for local mail, I'm afraid the } backbone would cut me off if I tried to send it to you. } } Sorry. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything... including any stupid or inane } questions. --- 107-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think people using oracle have any idea that there are also > BITNET users using oracle ? Do you have any messages for us, IBM/VM > users ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *warm smile* My child, to the Oracle, there is no "Bitnet" or "Telnet" } or division according to technology! All the children of God are One, } in the Oracles eyes. All are welcome to use the Oracle, even the } unwashed heathen who use Wangs, Ataris, and non-Mac non-PC } compatibles...now go, and debug no more. } AND GET A REAL COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a Commodore VIC-20