From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 11 23:43:51 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #98 Message-ID: <32913@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 12 Jan 90 04:43:51 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 98 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #98 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 12 Jan 90 04:43:51 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 98-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I really addicted to vibrators and cocaine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you would be, except that you are rubbing the cocaine in your } crotch and sticking the vibrators up your nose. } } You owe the Oracle an orgasm and a can of Jolt. --- 98-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does emacs start up in a buffer called *scratch*? Is it any > relation to Old Scratch, the Devil? Should I be concerned about this as > a devout Fundamentalist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do believe it is already too late. I'm greatly distressed to hear } that you have discovered this, my son. Emacs originally stands for Evil } Manifestation Also Called Satan. A great time of evil shall soon befall } computer users around the world, although most will be unaware. } However, you, having discovered this, will be greatly punished by the } almighty evil one. Draw a pentagram around your computer, and chant } "Oh, great computer gods, free me from Emacs. I swear by my Unix manual } that I will worship vi from this time forth" } } You owe the Oracle a real editor. --- 98-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I have holes in my jeans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. One hole is for your waist } 2. One hole is for your left leg. } 3. Two holes are for your right leg. } 4. One hole is for you to stick your penis out, so that it can wave } merrily in the wind. } 5. One hole is for your potted fern. } 6. One hole is so that your girlfriend can fondle you intimately in } public places without either of you getting too embarrassed, until } you start screaming "I'm coming! I'm coming!" and a big wet spot } appears at your groin. } 7. One hole is for your nose. } 8. You cut one hole yourself so that you wouldn't have to drink out of } urinals any more. } 9. You cut the last hole yourself as a protest of the planned U.S. } invasion of Nebraska. Your protest was effective. } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of jeans. --- 98-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most [however one desscribes an Oracle], tell me... > > Do you ever get a vacation? If so, where do you go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you care about your karma, and don't want to spend your next } forty-six incarnations as a nameless slug, you should address me in } terms such as: } } "most illustrious and divine Oracle, who knoweth all, whose gaze causeth } petroleum jelly to solidify, whose breath maketh dragons wince and } whose excrement this mortal worm is unworthy to lick" } } Then, to your main question. } } The only real vacations I get is when iuvax is down. Then, I go to the } net.black.hole and read vintage news messages. (As a divine being, I'm } an exception to the rule that nothing escapes from a black hole). } Sometimes, I squeeze myself onto a floppy disk and have interesting } conversations with a bootstrap loader. } } But for 99 % of the time, iuvax is up, and I'm constantly occupied } reading mail and passing it on to my various avatars. This is not as } bad as it sounds, though. Since I've mastered the true art of } multitasking, I hav a practically unlimited amount of time available for } other activities, such as kinky sex with the net.sex.goddesses. So I } really don't need any vacations. } } You owe the Oracle a nude photo of the girl who plays Vanessa on the } Cosby show. --- 98-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > In Usenet Oracularities #93, you quote the following: > > } ] Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp2 at 14:23... > } ] > } ] What the F*CK do you think you're doing? > > Does the fact that God has an account on ucbvax.berkeley.edu mean that > California really *is* heaven, after all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. God has an *account* on UCBVAX. He *lives* in Jersey. --- 98-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are sheep ever bothered by moths? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me check. } } oraclevax> egrep sheep /etc/hosts | head -1 } 31.5.152.412 sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } oraclevax> telnet sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } Connection established.... } } [mindsquish mindsqueeze grunt ] } } baaaaa grass good tasty grass grass good grass } sniff sniff? } what? } warmwetwestwind somethingwest } badsomething } nastysomething } run? } horriblesomething! } run run run! } mothsomething! } moth coming! help run run run help run run! } moth moth coming! } run help run moth run } worsethanmoth worsethanmoth worsethanmoth WORSETHANMOTH! } wpistudent coming wpistudent horriblerape help nottheseason } (I'm a good sheep I am, I am, I won't have sex with } any nasty WPI students riding their horrid moths!) } run run RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN *RUN* *RUN* *RUN* *JUMP* } } } } [connection closed.] } } oraclevax> ping sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } ping: host is down } oraclevax> ping -l sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } [sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu ] } Sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu is down at the bottom of a cliff } oraclevax> logout } } As you can see from that transcript, sheep are afraid of moths, but it } takes a WPI student to send them into a real panic. } } You owe the Oracle $18.81, and WPI a new sheep. --- 98-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great knowledgable one, recently I received the following > mail message: > > >Dear Sir: > > > >Since you did not pick up your recently deceased body as requested > >by our department, we feel it is our duty to inform you of the con- > >sequences of your inaction: > > > >At approximately 2:40 AM on route 219, 13 miles south of the city of > >Buffalo, one intoxicated individual by the name of J.Prondak happened > >upon your abandoned corpse. Since it is against the law for us to > >intefere with dead sentient beings until such time as of 2 days after > >discovery, we were forced to abandon the said item until such time had > >passed. Furthermore, the Lord Crimson Decrees forbade us to publicly > >announce said findings until the mentioned 2 days have passed. Since > >Mr. Prondak was intoxicated and had a "purity score" of around 1%, > >your body was "invaded" by a foriegn item of approximately 2 and 1/2 > >inches. Since your soul is now impure, you have been expelled from > >Hackers' Elysium and sent forthwith to the pits of Arcadia, where you > >will be subject to the laws and whims of one Beezulbub, lord of lies > >and third in the hierarchy of Hell. There you will program only in > >basic and forced to use dreaded VMS. All ties to C and Unix have been > >severed until further notice. There you will write recursive programs > >until one eternity has passed. > > > > Sincerely, > > Lord Crimson > > Master of Earth, > > 13th in the hierarchy of > > Hell > > What does this mean? Could it be true? Am I dead and fated to go to > Hell now? Is there any way to save myself from this destiny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not always wise to trust people high up in the Hierarchy of Hell. } (Actually, it's a Descending Hierarchy, so they're really low down, but } no matter.) Still, I suppose I had better check. } } [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@. ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...] } } Hell Operator: Ha, the idiot Oracle wants more information! } } Oracle: Connect me to the administration of Beelzebub, please. } } HO: No. I'll fill your eyes with porcupine spines first, you slime } puddle! } } O: Connect me please. } } [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring] } } Smurgiel: Smurgiel here. What can I avoid doing for you, Oracle? } } O: Is [name omitted] among your subjects? } } S: Let me check.... damn computers! always going down! } } [Smurgiel punches the screen. Sparks shower all over. Flames blossom } from the floor and burn the devil to the bone. Slowly he and the } computer recover, while my phone bill goes up.] } } S: No, he's not here. And when you get here I'll stuff your head } through that computer a few million times! I hate it when people } ask me questions! I want ... } } [click] } } -------------------------------- } } Some further investigation reveals that you were merely stunned. } } You owe the Oracle $182,101.31 for phone charges. --- 98-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would a porno smurf film have as it's major story plots? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see. Orton's Condensed Film Plots, volume 41. _Smurfette Screws } Syracuse_. } } 1. Igor, the Smurf's pet water buffalo, goes to Syracuse to buy a new } yoke. On the way, it meets a horny cow, and they have sex in a } variety of positions. } 2. Igor has, however, forgotten his lunch. Smurfette volunteers to } take it to him. She goes to the kitchen to get it. The cook screws } her silly. } 3. Igor continues on toward Syracuse. He meets an old widow. She asks } him for a lift. Oral sex mostly. Some great shots of water buffalo } cock. } 4. Smurfette tries to leave. The cook won't let her. She bashes him } with a frying pan and knocks him out. She then sucks him repeatedly } while he is unconscious, for reasons that are not explained. } 5. Igor and the old widow get to Syracuse. They immediately go to an } X-rated theatre. The theatre is showing _OCTAVIA'S ORGASMIC ORGY_ } 6. Octavia and her friends Samantha and Isabelle (two smurfs and an elk) } have an orgy. } 7. Smurfette gets to Syracuse. She stops in a store specializing in } sexual devices. She tries out two or three dildoes. } 8. Octavia walks into the dildo store, and without saying a word uses } some of the devices on Smurfette. } 9. Igor walks in and the three of them have some fun. } } the end. } } Notice the subtle blurring of the boundary between film and reality as } Octavia unnoticably passes from a character in a film-within-a-film to a } character in the film itself, recalling Woody Allen's _Purple Rose of } Cairo_. --- 98-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is God such an utter asshole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see... } ***** } } Oracle: Hey, God, are you home? } God: Oh, YOU again. I was in the can. What do you want this time? } Oracle: Well, y'see God, I've got another hard question here. } Someone wants to know why you such an utter, that is, er, why } are you such an utter asshole. } God: Well, being all-seeing and all-knowing has its } advantages. Tell this idiot that I know where he lives. } Oracle: You got it, God. Oh, sorry to interrupt. } God: Yeah, yeah. I'm turning on the answering machine. } } ***** } } Boy are you are in trouble. } } You owe the Oracle a quarter. --- 98-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is come white? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For if it was black, "cum" would be gross now, wouldn't it? } } You owe the Oracle some hand lotion.