From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jan 7 13:30:16 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #94 Message-ID: <32554@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 7 Jan 90 18:30:16 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 94 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #94 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 7 Jan 90 18:30:16 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 94-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I sing in the shower, and the notes wash down the drain, do they > get caught in the drain trap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. They disolve in water and wash down until they eventually reach the } ocean, where they accumulate. Residual notes are very quiet, and silent } when not under stress. However, over the centuries, the density of } notes in ocean water has reached high levels, and the faint sounds can } be heard using highly sophisticated instruments, called "seashells" to } amplify the sound. These instruments have been widely distributed along } beaches in order for the curious public to hear the sound of the ocean. --- 94-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYAH! HWAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUH! } } The secret is the breathe deeply and think THROUGH the target, think } BEYOND it. } } It is not, Grasshopper, what the woodchuck can carry: } } it is that it MUST. } } You owe the Oracle a few splints for my hand and an obscure aphorism. --- 94-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Noriega give himself up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh... Well... Why don't we ask him? } } dialing... 1-317-214-1414 "White house, may I help you?" } } This is the Usenet Oracle, can you get me a line to Noriega? } } "Yes SIR! Right away SIR... I'll use the White House's special out } line to connect you..." } } "Yeah what?" } } (Goddamn Penetentary guards...) This is the Usenet Oracle Speaking. Put } Noriega on. } } "YES SIR!" } } "Hey man! Dees ees Noriega, man! Have you decided to be my Lawyer?" } } No, I'm fielding a question that is probably big on a lot of American } minds -- Why did you give your self up? } } "Well, man, it was two tings, man... First it was all that top 40 } music that the army kept blasting into the Mission, man. Dees is } top 40 music: 'Beat it! Beat it!' dees is Noriega's brain on } top 40 music: 'Psssssssssssfsfsssst!' } } Also, that Sister Rose Tersia, man. She was insane! Whenever she } though I had bad posture, she'd whack me with a yardstick! Of } course I gave myself up." } } Thank you. } } "No problem, man." } } Click. Buzzz. } } There you have it. } } You owe the oracle your first born son. --- 94-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > May I have a loan? About $5,000? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gracious, I can't give loans to every mortal who asks, however, I can } do something to help you out. Since this has come up before, (every } Autumn to be exact, right in line with tuition increases), we at the } Oracle main office have instituted a new mortal-work-study program. } } Duties include answering questions from mortals involving, sexual: } (hands on experience of Lisa required), meaning of life: (How many } angels can dance on the head of a pin. They prefer the atmosphere of a } good leatherbar, actually), directional guidance: (Who should I marry. } What shirt should I wear today. Honestly, some people have way too much } free time), and a general category we call stupid oracle tricks: (What } am I thinking. Find out what they're doing with their hands, it's a } dead give away. Why do you make so many spelling/grammar mistakes. } Huh, now you know). } } So that's it. You get a paycheck every other Friday. You start at 15 } Quixels an hour with option to move to 25 Quixels based upon job } evaluation and piece work. Oh, a Quixel is about 0.26514 of one U.S. } dollar. Hmmmmm, let's see, there's a phone number of the Oracle golf } and Raquetball club. You shouldn't need it, that's why we give you guys } a database. Oh, and most important, unnecessary calls to the Elder } Gods, or to Hell are strictly forbidden. If you have a problem see the } shift supervisor and for goodness sake use the MCI card, those calls are } expensive. } } Well, that's it. Pick up an iridescent robe at the front desk. I see } you already have sandals, (cough). } } You owe the Oracle an eagle on the back nine. --- 94-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes I hear my forefathers singing in the upper octaves of my > genetic memory, but they're all out of key. I try to tell them, really > I do, but I keep getting arrested in restaurants for shouting and > pounding on the table. My wife thinks I need to drink more, but she > just wants power of attorney. I can't even get their attention! (My > forefathers', that is.) When I call my Dad on the phone, there's just > this insipid answering machine message. I get so angry and twisted, all > I can do is sob into the receiver. Then I watch "Who's the Boss" -- it > helps me relax. Okay, okay, so here's my question. Can I administer my > own electro-convulsive therapy if I just hop in the bathtub with my 120V > clock radio? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before I address your question directly, I'd like to discuss this } problem of your forefathers singing off key. It would suggest, since } they are singing in a higher key than they should, that you are moving } toward them at a high velocity, thus Doppler-shifting their voices in } odd ways. This would seem to indicate a self- destructive tendency in } yourself, rapidly moving to meet them. I would avoid this course by } building some sort of apparatus (utilizing genetic-sub-etha } communications systems) to speak with them and tell them to bugger off } before solving any more serious problems. } } Then, after the next plot complication, hang a left. There, you will } find the solution to your wife-problem, a gun. You'll figure it out. } } You owe the Oracle a tuning fork and 820ml of raw human plasma. --- 94-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When the waves of mighty oceans } Cross the desert without sound, } } When skies release a million golden } feathers to the ground, } } When water bison rise from lakes and } rent a satin tux, } } When snowballs rule in hell, my son, } you'll have your million bucks. } } } You owe the Oracle one petameter (iambic, please). --- 94-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I know when I've found true love. I think I do but I have to be > sure before I make a fool out of myself. (I would hate to make a fool > out of myself for love that wasn't real.) > > Signed, a happy man who wants to bring happiness to another. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Litmus paper or other pH tests. Love has a pH of 4 or below. --- 94-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The girl who lives next door to me is convinced that all of her stuffed > animals are alive, they talk to her, and they all have their own > personalities and voices. In fact, they are all related somehow. Is > she all right? Can she be cured? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No she is not alright. It's only the hedgehog and the third tiger from } the left that can talk. The hedgehog is, in fact, a very good } ventriloquist. } } Clearly the young lady in question, can be cured. Vigourously rub salt } into her flesh and suspend her upside down for a week or two in a cool } dry place. --- 94-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Pokey orange, and Gumby green? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, I haven't been asked an interesting question such as this one in a } long while. Thanks go out to you from the Oracle, you obsequious } smidgeon of blowfish shit. } } THEY ARE FAKE! Gumby and Pokey were NOT real! What the hell does it } even matter what colour they were? Get a grip. } } In payment, you must submit yourself for psychiatric evaluation, and } drink nineteen pints of motor oil. You must then construct a large } high-rise apartment building, 412 cubits by 103 cubits by 1298 cubits. } Then, place yourself in the centre of the nearest major roadway, and run } at 67 furlongs per fortnight for a period of 11 days. Turn right, and } strike the nearest person with a fish or large bird. Jump on the spot } and flap your arms, while making chicken noises. You are then required } to sing "The Ballad of the Eggplant Invasion" (see Oracle back issues) } three times backwards with full orchestrations and in five part } harmonies. } } Rest for exactly 4 seconds. Not 5, not 3, excepting that you then } proceed to 4. } } Remove whatever you are wearing on your feet, and eat those items. Give } yourself a hickey on your right knee. Another. Another. Another. } Join the Alice's Restaurant Massacree Movement. Become their leader, } and claim the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dearborn, Michigan in the name of } Allah. You may not use firearms. You may use VW Microbuses, and one } half-ton of garbage. } } Inhale. Enjoy this air, because you must now stop breathing until the } end of this list of tasks is reached. The colours your skin will become } reveal your personality and the content of your blood, but that's } another story. } } Now, on with the fun part. Obtain a meat thermometer using any means } you select. Place it in your ear, and push until it will go no further. } Turn your body until you are facing the nearest immobile, solid object. } Run. Faster. Faster. Faster. Run until you have impacted. Remove } and eat the meat thermometer. Strike your head upon the solid object } until Marlon Brando appears in front of you and says "green eggs and } ham" or something to that effect. He will polymorph into Dan Quayle. } He will begin to babble pointlessly, and to no end. Shut him up by } offering him a borscht-flavoured ice-cream cone, telling him it's at a } store down the street. You will witness near-light-speed travel in his } reaction, as he heads for the store. } } Get on a bus to the Bronx. Get out, and start asking people on the } street where you might find Mr. Kotter. This will get you various } strange looks. Mimic all of them back at the passersby. } } Go back to your hometown. Install a subway system, running from your } backyard to the nearest swimming pool. Declare loudly that 2+2=5, and } that nobody can tell you different. Coin the phrase "Pretty as an } airport", and force it into general use by your peers, who are no longer } your peers, since they are now thoroughly convinced that you have been } messing around with your home lobotomy kit again. } } Buy a chemistry set. Invent a new substance which can be used as } shampoo, salad dressing, motor oil, rocket fuel, soft drink, laxative, } paperweight, floppy disk, photographic film, writing ink, or } prophylactic. Eat it. Rub it all over yourself. } } Run to a toy store. Name each and every Care Bear. Failure to do so } will result in you having to lick the floors clean. Assign a } personality to each stuffed item in the store. Initiate a debate among } them about polydimensional calculus, in which you prove that Einstein } was a homosexual. } } Pick up a phone. Dial 911, and tell the operator that there is some } half-naked lunatic coated in some weird ooze with foot odour on his } breath debating higher mathematics among the stuffed toys, and he's } scaring off the customers. Tell her that even though there is now } general panic, there is also a nice, sparkling floor. Tell her to send } the psychiatric people over immediately. } } When the men in white arrive, do not resist, but greet them with a weird } salute and tell hem you are Zarton from Saturn. } } Have a pleasant stay at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, home for the } flamboyantly insane. And don't ever bother me again. } } The Oracle has spoken. So there. --- 94-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I always get the shit programming jobs, huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Programming shit is very very important, sir! Immense amounts of shit } are produced in this country, with only very small and virtually useless } programming. For some reason, IBM (International Bowel Movement) } includes only "ISH401H" and "ISH402H" (colloquially called "SIT THERE" } and "STINK") as bundled software. (Advanced users may get a BASIC } interpreter, but let's not worry about that.) } } You are in a priveleged position! You, like almost nobody else, are } permitted to program this large supply of processing power. Admittedly, } each individual unit has almost no processing power, but you must thing } Networking! Think Parallelism! Think Distributed Computation! There } is so much shit in the world that the total processing power at your } disposal is simply staggering! } } You owe the oracle ten CPU-hours (Crap Processing Units).