From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 30 17:17:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #69 Message-ID: <30569@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 30 Nov 89 22:17:28 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 69 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #69 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 30 Nov 89 22:17:28 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 69-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that my girlfriend sends you questions? Should I be jealous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, it's true all right. I've had to field beauties from her such as: } } > What do I do if my boyfriend orgasms in three seconds after I } > perform oral sex on him but he won't even do it back to me? } and: } > Why does my boyfriend insist on wearing those lace panties every } > time we go out? } and: } > It seems that my boyfriend enjoys it when his dog Chipper rubs up } > and down on his leg. Will this affect his credit rating later in } > life? } and: } > I opened my boyfriend's closet and caught him in there, masturbating } > to a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker. Is this his way of telling me } > that I'm not wearing enough make-up? } } As for whether or not you should be jealous, this just came in about a } minute or two ago. You figure it out: } } > Is it true that my boyfriend sends you questions? Should I be } > jealous? } } You owe the Oracle a session with Dr. Ruth. And your picture of Tammy } Faye. And your picture of Barbara Bush, you know, the one you weren't } caught beating off with. --- 69-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is that girl sitting at the terminal next to mine sweating > and moaning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She must have got my answer to her most unusual question. Although she } seems to be doing fine, ask her if she needs some help visualizing it. } } The Oracle. --- 69-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You get a lot of questions about Lisa, the net.sex.goddess. But are > there any other net.*.gods or net.*.goddesses? And, more specifically, > is there a (male) net.sex.god? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa fulfils all our fantasies and therefore she is the only } net.*.goddess. } } If you adopt the code A=6, B=12, C=18, D=24 and so on, you find that } ken@aiai.uucp sums to the number 666. He is, therefore, something jolly } important, but is probably not a sex god. Sex gods are always } surrounded by pretty women with no clothes on and moist naughty bits, } and he isn't/ --- 69-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many roads must a man walk down? > Does is make any difference if the roads are long or short? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A man must walk down a number of roads calculated in the following silly } way: } } 61 roads per inch of penis length } 8 roads per thousand chest hairs } 102 roads per one-night stand with a person he doesn't much like } 18 roads per fight over football or baseball scores } 12 roads per gallon of cologne used with seductive intent } 93 roads per attempted date-rape } 2 roads per totally insensitive action --- 69-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the most intense sexual experience a man can experience? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, no man has ever lived to report on the most intense such } experience, but the Oracle sees much and is aware of all. } } Many unlikely variables must come together (no pun intended) to provide } the ultimate experience. The male in question must be exactly 19 years } of age and in excellent physical condition. He must be at Hersheypark, } in Hershey, Pennsylvania; the scent of chocolate should be in the air. } He should be accompanied by a young lady of between 17 and 20 years of } age, who is also in excellent physical condition. The pair cannot have } known each other for more than one week. The male must not know what he } is doing; he must be a virgin. The female MUST know what she is doing. } } The couple must ride the "Cyclops" -- and the female must decide that it } is the perfect place to engage in sexual intercourse. The decision must } be completely spontaneous; any forethought will greatly reduce the } intensity of the experience. Ideally, the male should not even be aware } that the female is sexually active. } } The "Cyclops" provides a unique motion, as well as several physical } sensations. In order, they are: speed, positive gravity, height, } disorientation, negative gravity, and dizziness. The male must climax } on the "upstroke" of the ride, when the couple's car is on the way up } and penetration is deepest. The climax will then last until the couple } is upside-down, and then end when negative gravity takes over. } } It is true that several men have died during this experience (of massive } heart failure). Park officials are concerned, but do not wish to post a } warning sign at the ride's entrance; after all, it IS a family park. --- 69-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Gluttonous Oracle, > > And how was your Thanksgiving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How was my Thanksgiving? Let me count the ways... } One for the turkey whose bones I did clean, } Two for the legs with muff in between. } Three for the homework I didn't do, } Four for telling my story to you. } } Now I know my one two threes, } Next time smoke a bowl with me. --- 69-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I have this urge to snap the bra of all girls I meet; it turns me > on marvelously. But my new girlfriend refuses to wear a bra because > she thinks it's an instrument for the male exploitation of the womyn. > > Is it really? And what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aaaaand the Oracle said....... } } Ever considered that the Oracle is female, you dirty little PERVERT. } Wear a bra yourself.... --- 69-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are sperm whales called sperm whales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the late 19th Century, sailors, who hunted whales for a living. } gave the name "Sperm Whale" to a type of whale which produced a white } waxlike substance taken from the oil in its head. This substance was } commonly used in making cosmetics, ointments and candles. } } Of course, these same sailors would amuse themselves by staking the odd } luckless frog to the poop deck and fucking it, till it exploded. The } sailor who was fortunate enough to be abusing the frog at the point of } "critical mass" usually won a prize of an evening's entertainment with } the ship's cook. Therefore, the opinion of said sailors is not, today, } widely valued. } } It should also be noted that those who would profit from the gutting of } animals, or other living creatures regarded as cool by the general } populace, are rated by the Pantheon as just below a week old sack of } Squid piss. The Squid, as you know, has a very poor bladder condition. } } You owe the Oracle two horny goldfish .. --- 69-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the unpardonable sin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are Seven Unpardonable Sins, which are variations on the Seven } Deadly Sins. } } 1. The unpardonable sin corresponding to Envy is known technically as } Blargany. It consists of a morbid desire to attach large numbers of } slugs, beetles, and similar creatures to highly valuable objects } belonging to others. } } 2. The u.s. corresponding to Gluttony is Infrabbery. Infrabbers order } gigantic meals at restaurants, and have them freeze-dried and mounted } on the walls of their home. } } 3. The u.s. corresponding to Sloth is Binniby. Like Sloth, it } involves mainly sleeping. Like sloths, the sleeping is mainly } performed hanging upside down from tree-limbs. Unlike either one, } the Binniber wears plaid p.j.'s and a pinstriped tie. } } 4. The u.s. corresponding to Covetousness is Phorio: the act of } placing large amounts of money in public showcases, and otherwise } displaying it to people who deserve to receive it as charity. } } 5. The u.s. corresponding to Pride is Mordu: overweening pride in } one's own humility. } } 6. The u.s. corresponding to Lust is Maraschino: the act or desire of } having 3-5 attractive members of the appropriate sex(es) stimulate } the entire surface area of your body with their tongues, while} } gently rubbing sweet-smelling unguents into your genital region, } while several others (devoid of clothing save only for decorative } veils, capulets, and cornices) perform appealing dances in the } near distance, while still others ... [I'd better stop here. } The room is getting too hot.] } } 7. The u.s. corresponding to Being an Executive of a Major } Multinational Corporation is called Ghastrogravillia. It consists } of being an advertising agent for a major multinational corporation. } } To dream the impossible dream ... } To climb the unclimbable peak .... } To scream the unspeakable scream ..... } To screw the inscrutable geek ........ --- 69-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise and Wonderous, do most people stand up to wipe > their bottoms? Or do they remain seated? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A survey indicates: } } - 20% close the toilet and stand on their heads on it. } - 18% open the toilet and stand on their head in it. } - 17% stand up } - 14% dance around gaily and wipe. } - 12% hire a small furry animal to take care of such matters. } - 12% hire a disadvantaged, crippled Third World person on slave wages } to do it. } - 9% dip their rumps into the toilet and flush several times } - 8% sit in the sink and run the water on high. } - 8% lie on the floor, face down, and wipe. } - 8% levitate to the ceiling and use the light fixtures to clean and } dry themselves. } - 7% send out for pizza } - 3% remain steated