From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Nov 24 16:28:54 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #65 Message-ID: <30259@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 24 Nov 89 21:28:54 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 65 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #65 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 24 Nov 89 21:28:54 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 65-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you like the Star Wars saga? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are a fool. } but the scene with Obi-Wan Kenobe and Cap. Kirk was great } You are wasting my time } but I really loved it when Chewbacca and Leia had sex on the Asteroid } of Love } You are asking foolish questions } but the giant moth scene was pretty fantastic. --- 65-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As I'm sure you're wondering, do I have a fetish about navel lint, or > what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's quite all right. It's not entirely uncommon for one to have a } fetish centered around Navel Lint. Sigmund Frued once wrote an entire } article on the subject. } } His advise was to make sure to keep it free of infection and other } nasties, and keep a log and samples of Navel Lint. It has been shown } that much about a man/woman's future can be told from the analysis on } one's navel lint. Stress, sexual tendancies, and drug use can all be } followed simply by collecting navel hair. The FBI is investigating a } system whereby all felons would have to submit Navel Lint as a second } means of identififcation. } } The moral of the story is that Navel Lint is anything but trivial. } Treat it with respect, and have some fun while you're at it. } } The Oracle --- 65-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I hire the Italian dog jugglers for my next party? > I've heard juggling dogs is very "in" now... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Italian dog jugglers, the Incesti brothers, are indeed very popular. } They've had some problems with accusations of cruelty to animals, } however, so they also have an alternative act were they juggle human } infants. } } If you're satisifed by merely being "in", by all means you should hire } the Italian dog jugglers (or the Katzenjammer brothers (the German cat } jugglers) or Krysztof Sczerblinski, the Polish elephant juggler). } } If, however, you want to set a new trend in party entertainment, the } Oracle can give you the address of one of Its friends, who walks the } tightrope over the table while juggling fourteen hand grenades, eating a } hamburger and singing the Greek national Anthem (all 210 verses). He is } accompanied by his sister Lisa, the worlds supplest girl, who plaits her } hair with one and peels an orange with the other at the same time as she } is typing in C programs with boh hands tied in a knot behind her back. } Blindfolded! } } You owe the Oracle and Its sex slaves an invitation to your next party. --- 65-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Vice, please enlighten me: > Why do they start so early? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hormones. Media. Contaminated water supplies. Breakfast cereals. } Rock music. Church. My left big toe. Quayle. The suppleness of } youth. The inevitable heat-death of the Universe. Radio waves. } Evolution. Peer pressure. Cosmic magnetism. The letter X. Your } frivolity. Consumerism. Computers. } } You owe the Oracle page 14 of the New York Times, Thursday, March 15, } 1917. Unyellowed. --- 65-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's "Plook" mean? In what context would you use it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Plook, vb. - A banjo playing technique unique to a 5 square mile } area in the heart of the backwaters of Utah. A "plooker", as masters of } this technique are known, catches his finger and thumb nails in the } banjo strings, and tries to pull off his nail. Plookers are strange } people. Many a plookr has been known to utter the famous plooker's cry: } "Gosh, I *do* feel musically creative today. I think I'll go plook some } banjo." } } 2) Plook, vb. - To vomit, throw up, remove one's stomach contents from } one's possession, etc. As in "Ugghhh... Unnnghhh..... #$%&# ! Oh } dear, I appear to have plooked all over you." } } 3) Plook, adj. - Obscure movie term of deference, as in John "Plook" } Wayne, and the title character of the Paul Newman film, "Cool Hand } Plook". --- 65-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do cats sit up trees going `Meow, meow' and looking helpless when > they are perfectly capable of getting down by themselves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a catwitted, cattish category to catenate! Your cataphonic } catechism has cataclysmic and catonian catacoustics. Why I catalogize } that your catcall, while catchy, is more of a catasta than a catastasis, } leading to catalysis and cataplexy. } } Clearly, if the cat could catapult in a caterbrawl over the catchment } this catechist would not be quilty of catachresis. "The catharan uses } not catgut," as I always catharize. --- 65-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come my wife is wearing a toupee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your wife has always had a secret desire for a big, hairy, ape of a } caveman to drag her by her hair to his cave and some nice bondage } excercises. } } Since you've been far too timid, and always has wanted her to take the } initiative, she hasn't mentioned this to you but instead turned to the } postman. } } Every day at 11 am, when you're at work, drooling over MacPlaymate, your } wife strips to her underwear and lets the postman take a steady hold of } her hair and drag her upstairs to the bedroom, where they indulge in } unspeakable activities for an hour or two. } } This lets her let out all her pent-up emotions that she accumulates from } your weird lovemaking during the nights (you see, she's not all that } keen on spanking you as you may think). } } However, this has also had the side-effect of your wife getting bald. } So that's why she's started wearing a toupee. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of your wife and the postman together. --- 65-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o great orakule, why do I make so much money? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there are a lot of reasons. } } Women pay you to make love to them, spanking and sexy lingery pay } extra. } Men pay you to tell them how to make love to the women properly. } Doctors pay you to walk out of their surgeries onto a crowded street, } because you look so healthy. } Student hairdressers pay you to let them practise on your head. } Policemen try to bribe you. } Waiters give you tips. } You sell newspapers to newsvendors and get 20p back on each one. } Your bets win. } The credit card company has lost your address. } Your Tax bill went to the man next door; he mistook it for his own, } and paid it. } The mice in the wainscoting pay rent. } The T.V. company pays you to watch their programmes, so they can tell } the advertisers about their rich audience. } You take the train that there isn't a guard on because of the staff } shortages, so you don't pay fares. } You charge the bank for borrowing your money, instead of them charging } you to look after it. } Shopkeepers subtract your sales tax instead of adding it on. } You claim the Old Age Pension, Child Benefit, Disability Allowance and } Family Income Supplement and nobody has noticed, even though FIS } was withdrawn three years ago. } Your boss pays you because sending messages to the Oracle looks, from } a distance, indistinguishable from real work. } } You owe the Oracle twopence. No... that's wrong. The Oracle owes } you 25 pounds 47. --- 65-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > I have noticed one disturbing trend. Why oh why do people try > to get the answer to the program that is due in less than 24 hours by: > > 1. Calling you on the phone and beg for the answer > > 2. Try to get into your account which you will notice the next time you > logged on and have 48 unsuccessful attempt. > > 3. Offer you money for your working program. BTW : should I accept > the money and not give them the working program??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's face it: That's simply because you're the only *real* programmer } around. } } People trying to get your programs by all means, legal or illegal, can } be a nuisance, but try to see it from the positive side: } } A lot of people out there have heard about your phenomenal coding } skills, and got so overawed that they forget how to program and turn } into lazy bums who'd rather steal a working program than write one } themselves. } } If the attempts to bribe you get really insistent, a good prank is to } accept the money and then give them a program that seems to work okay, } but contains some really *interesting* feature (such as posting obscene } jokes about the professors and interesting details of your victims' sex } life to the entire net) which are activated only after a few days of } operation. } } You owe the Oracle a non-recursive accounting program, written in Lisp. --- 65-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, my God! How could I have done it? > And without even uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu > NO CARRIER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it was quite simple really, all you did was pressing a button, } not hard at all. And the EMP took the carrier. } } You owe the Oracle $googol for restoring the Earth.