From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 7 20:57:38 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #49 Message-ID: <29242@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Nov 89 01:57:38 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 49 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #49 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Nov 89 01:57:38 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 49-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Jim trash Joe's filesystem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because Joe interrupted Jim while Jim was in drag, preening in front of } his full-length mirror, and telling himself in a falsetto voice what a } pretty girl he was. Joe thought this terribly funny, and laughed Jim } to scorn. Jim, angered at having his fantasy-world ridiculed, vowed } Revenge: hence the trashed filesystem. } } Of course, now Joe will tell the world about Jim's odd behavior. And } of course Joe has a recent backup. --- 49-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does this guy next to me let his life revolve around you, great > oracle? All he speaks of is you. He admires you, and you are only some > bits and bytes! I find this ironic. Do you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I do not find this ironic. This 'guy' next to you is my prophet. } He goes by the heavenly name of Danquayleronreaganissenileandhasbeen- } eversincehewaselectedandweareindeeptroublesincewehaveawhimpforapresident } Danquayleistheantichristandwearealldommedfreth Arrgghhifreaganwasthe- } answeritmustvebeenaverysillyquestionhdert. He is as near to divinity as } is possible in a mere mortal, so you are to worship him, pay him hom, } and find him all the gorgeous blonde women you possibly can so he can } partake of the Divine Cleansing Ritual of the Oracle, which involves 42 } well-endowed gorgeous blonde women, a 250-gallon tub of Jell-O. } } You owe the Oracle your worship, your faith, and a six-pack of A&W Root } Beer. --- 49-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 10101111010100101010110101010111101010001101011010101011101010101010101 > 10001010111101010101111101010111010101010101010101010010101010101010101 > 00000101010101011111111110001010100001101010100010101010101010000010100 > 10000101010101110101010010010101000010101011100101000101010100101001011 > 10001010101000101010011101010101010010101010101010101010101010101001110? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How did you know the launch code? Dont be surprised if you see a } shadowy figure with a silencer at the foot of your bed tonight. } } You owe the oracle a slow and horrible death --- 49-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hgwehjdg hjdghjwdt wejetejdgjdb uiy wekjuyeuid weuid ud weyuiydtkild > iutdwei nbxweui tui hwuiyx ghiu xygiowehx yuwgx iwewe7 gxuwegxyuwegx > uilw? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has warned you REPEATEDLY about the dangers of mentioning } Lisa to It again in ANY question. The Oracle's punishment of your } unworthy self will be too horrible to contemplate, and may take place at } any time during the remainder of your miserable lifespan. } } Just teasing. In fact, the Oracle understands your question perfectly } well and knows that it has nothing to do with Lisa. In brief: } } Yes, the wallaby must be thoroughly covered with Vaseline. K-Y jelly is } too runny. Do _not_ use anything made out of plastic! Disembowelment } is not the preferred technique -- try to keep the amount of blood } reasonably small. No, she does not need to be a virgin. --- 49-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the most beautiful woman in the world, and tell me all the info > available on her... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh! This is an oft asked question to the Oracle! } } You must remember always remember that beauty is something that } cannot be defined in absolute terms. You must be careful how you } ask your questions! } } For you personally, the most perfect woman existed only in a dream } (you recall that little "accident" you had last week?) and was caused } by your not having had a date in months complicated by that terrible } pizza. } } In the opinion of the Oracle, you showed a lack of imagination when } it came to the proper use of the watermelon and rubber hose, however } your performance with the highly modified weed-whacker will always } be a classic. --- 49-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to be eloquent, but I can't verbalize. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By all means, apply to a school with a strong Mime program. } } Fluency in Mime, though difficult to acquire, will serve you well } throughout your life. Mime is not called the "True International } Language" for nothing, after all. More and more, Mime is replacing } Japanese, English, and COBOL in the corporate halls of the world. } } The Oracle suggests the excellent beginner's textbook, "Beginning Mime: } Read My Lips" by Anselm Accordio (Simon & Schuster, 1988, 198pp.) as } well as the outstanding series of cassette tapes which accompany the } text (check for these in your university language lab). } } Be forewarned, though: Mime is not an easy toungue to master. There } can be no substitute for several hours a day of intensive drill, } going through the classical exercises such as "Man in a Big Invisible } Box" and "Man Caught in a Hurricane" with a native speaker. Becoming } adept in the idiom of Mime will require painstaking attention to } detail and willingness to submit to thorough and frequent oral and } written examinations to demonstrate proficiency. } } The Oracle wishes you the best of luck with your new studies. } } You owe the Oracle a black-and-white jumpsuit and an invisible dog } on a leash. --- 49-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The oracle promised that I would metamorphose into Lisa this morning, > but I haven't. What's wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, foolish mortal, must not have followed my directions. I told you } to have the 3 wilderbeasts, 2 quarts of apricot jam, Timex/Sinclair } computer, the a VHS recording of the Rocky Horror Picture show, and the } 24 ft. steel rod with a selenium core. Once again, I shall relate how } to use this apparatus to transform yourself into the net.goddess (Lisa); } but beware mortal for this transformation is very taxing and will last } but for a day and then reduce you to a vile old hag. } } [Proceed at your own risk ... this is not for meer mortal eyes and the } very sight could blind you forever.] } } On the Timex/Sinclair, create a "C" compiler written in Cobol (simple } enough), and with this compiler, compile the following program: } } #include #include } } main() char **argv; int argc; } } { transformmetolisa(argv[1]); } } } all the functions necessary are in net.goddess.transform.h and can be } downloaded from Norad at anytime on their toll-free line. } } After doing this, get the wilderbeasts to trot around the computer while } you stand in the middle holding the steel rod. Spread yourself with the } apricot jam, put the Rocky Horror in the VCR and connect the audio and } video output to the Timex/Sinclair. Promptly at 7:59:57am tomorrow } morning Eastern Standard time, at 43 degrees North - 15.37 degrees East } there will be a spot hit by a 12.4 gigavolt lightning bolt. Be there } and have the tape playing the third verse of "Time Warp" and execute the } compiled program as the lightning strikes the steel/selenium rod. } } If you follow the above instructions, you will become Lisa (net.goddess) } for one full day. Good Luck! } } You owe the Oracle a miss or a mile. --- 49-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ivan the Terrible is into Yoga, Piotr the Great is into TM, and > Catharine the Great was into Tantra (left hand way). Has this trend of > esotericism in the Russian leadership continued? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With the replacement of royal rule by the Soviet Government, the nature } of the esoteric beliefs has become nastier. Kerensky was a Mason, Lenin } practised voodoo, Stalin performed human sacrifices to the Devil (both } burnt and cooked, and liked the taste of human flesh). Khrushchev was a } bit milder -- simple Satanism and the occasional ritual glass of human } blood. Brezhnev worshipped idols, as did his gerontocrat successors. } Mr. and Mrs. Gorby worship the Golden Calf. The Soviet intelligentsia } is turning Christian, after a fashion. --- 49-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Computer Science instructors continually make references to FOO > and BAR and FOOBAR? Is it all a conspiracy to confuse us or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are missing a letter. It's FOOD, not FOO. Computer scientists, } being unable to get sex, are concerned mainly with food -- and they } prefer all-you-can-eat arrangements, sometimes called smorgasbords, } except that computer scientists can't spell either, so they call them } FOOD BARs. Some computer scientists like to drink, so they separated } off the BAR part. } } You owe the oracle: } - Fifteen hamburgers with cheddar cheese and tomato and pickles } - Two hundred and eighteen large french fries, with salt and vinegar, } and if you miscount them I'll boil you in taco sauce } - that reminds me, also bring eighty-one chicken and bean tacos, and } some good taco sauce. lots of good taco sauce. } - and a large layer cake, chocolate frosting, with the words "Oracle, } Oracle, So Wonderful The Oracle that the Sun is about to perform } Fellatio on you" in green frosting. } - yeah, and about four quarts of chocolate ice cream } - and a couple of pounds of salted peanuts, and a keg of Bass Ale. } - Oh, while you're at it, five or six roast chickens. No, make that } Peking Ducks. With tabasco sauce and catsup. } - And a few pounds of mashed potatoes and marshmallow gravy would be } good too. } - Yeah, and while you're at it, I don't want to die of malnutrition. } Sixteen pounds of broccoli, steamed, and two boiled cabbages ought } to do it. With hollandaise sauce. Gotta make it edible some how. } - Yeah, and a great big vat of cinnamon sugar applesauce. } - And you'd better remember the saltines, or I'll cut your head off } and feed it to ... well ... me. --- 49-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I detoxify my love life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop using those lead condoms.