From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 21 12:34:37 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #25 Message-ID: <28249@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 21 Oct 89 17:34:37 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30816 in.bizarre:284 === 25 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #25 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 21 Oct 89 17:34:37 GMT @@@ ====================================================================== @@@ These Oracularities postings are now available via direct e-mail for @@@ those of you who don't want to wade through rec.humor to read them. @@@ Send mail to kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu to get on the distribution @@@ list. @@@ @@@ Note to in.bizarros: I'm not going to cross-post to in.bizarre @@@ anymore, so get on this list if you don't read rec.humor and want to @@@ still see the Oracularities. @@@ ====================================================================== To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 25-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish I had a scroll. How could I get one, Senator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually scrolls are to be found in scroll shops or general magic supply } stores. Occasionally you might release a friendly genie from captivity, } whereupon in gratitude he will grant you a wish. (Yes, I know, it used } to be three, but you know how inflation is....) } } -------------- } |????????????| } |???????+????| } |??+??????!!?| } |......@.....| } -------+------ } ##### } ## } #### --- 25-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kind of a dogmatist thinks that if you play with trancendental > meditation you're going straight to Peru? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is impressed! A mortal has located one of the few } philosophies in the universe that is not held by any of the 8 583 512 } 595 262 317 367 races in the universe. In fact, the closest philosophy } I could find in "The Big Book of Philosophies" which I just wrote } ($24.95 at Waldenbooks) is a group of semi-sentient crystalline methane } slugs on the planet Zug orbiting a blue-white supergiant on the other } side of the galaxy. Their dogma states that if you play with } trancendental FUNCTIONS you're going straight to Peru (which in } Slugspeak means "The Big Salt Shaker"). Like most dogmas, this one was } implemented to keep the top slugs in power. } } If you're more depressed than elated about this, then why don't you go } start your own religion based on that dogma? It'll give you something } to do that's fun, informative, and will get you the chicks (or hunks)! } If you're successful, write to me, and I'll include your name in a } footnote in the next edition. Remember: the Oracle cares. } } You owe the Oracle $24.95 (Go buy my book). The Oracle has verbalized. --- 25-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are tomatoes called "tomatoes"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy you guys really make me ill. Why this and why that...OOOOOOH, real } important stuff, as if I don't have important things to worry about like } when will the universe end? Why is it dark at night? What about this } brain in vats thing? Dammit, all you guys do is ask me questions. I'm } getting sick up to here with your damn questions. What, are you stupid? } Try to find an answer yourself, you might learn something in the } process. } } Here, I'll throw you this one, just this once: } } My answer: } Because they're not called anemic potatoes. } } What do you think I'd say, something stupid like 'because } they're not called tomAHtoes.' Give me a break. Tell me, does stupidity } run in your family? } } We'll waive the fee for this one. Don't ask inane questions again. You } might not catch me in this good a mood. --- 25-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead. very dead. sudden death syndrome. } such a dead node! very sad the parent, kanga.dnet.winnie. very unahhpy } node. very sad day. the pooh.dnet.winnie node sings the sad song. the } roo.dnet.winnie node is buried by the pooh.dnet.winnie node and the } piglet.dnet.winnie node, with the eeyore.dnet.winnie node saying the } mournful things. very sad day. } } next day they go out for to catch the hefallump. the hefallump catches } them instead. they all die. very sad the ending for the children book. } } you are owe the oracle for to stop writing the existentiallist version } of the winnie.dnet.pooh. --- 25-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the word "why" sound that way? Why did we choose the word that > sounds like "wi" and is spelled "why" the word we use when we want to > know the reason for something? Why is that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } inglish aurthografee iz offen weerd. --- 25-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why doesn't my program work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have an error in line 71. You wrote "x[i] := 4", but you should } have written } } CYCLE GNORP ARBNO( "AA" | INPUT) . FOO = INPUT : S(CYCLE) F(RETURN) } } As you can clearly see, the rest of the program is in Snobol not Pascal. --- 25-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is it so quiet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is actually quite noisy. However, the noise is all synchronized, so } that it damps itself out. } } Don't move or you will be deafened. --- 25-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you want a beard for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not for man to want or not want a beard. It is man's nature to } have a beard. The question that you must ask is: } } What do you want to shave a beard for. } } There are answers to this question. } } Some men think that they are more attractive to women if they have a } face like a women. Unfortunately, some women think so too. } } Ancient greeks shaved their beard before combat to avoid giving the } enemy an additional handhold. } } Occam found beards unsightly, and shaved them as a matter of principle. } } In modern times people have become more civilized, and have learned to } appreciate beards for their original purpose: To hide man's ugly adams } apple... --- 25-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > George Bush was on television last night, accusing various major > Communist leaders of a variety of crimes. Some of them were pretty > plausible, but he accused Fidel Castro of being involved in the > crucifying of Christ. What really happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The truth is stranger than the fiction propagated by the new Stain of } the West, George Herbert Walk Bush, the man with four names and no soul. } } Although Castro was nearby the scene of the crucifixtion, and although } he was indeed playing Pepper, CONTRARY TO THE RULES POSTED AT THE FIELD, } historians now agree that this illicit practice did not actually con- } tribute to Christ's death. } } Bush has obviously kept himself abrest of the most current research. --- 25-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do so many Americans regularly eat pieces of dead cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Which part of the question troubles you? } } Never mind, it is irrelevant. I shall cover all aspects of your } question. } } Americans: This is quite easy. Any ethnic group stupid enough not to } be able to find THEIR OWN COUNTRY on a globe can be easily molded to do } just about any strange ritual. The Fastfuudites of Tau Cygnus (and } their leaders, King McDonald of the Burghers and "Dairy" Queen Wendy) } are most likely responsible for the mind-control aspect in question. } } regularily: Dead cow is an addictive substance, not unlike nicotine and } Lay's Potato Chips. Once one has partaken of it, withdrawl symptoms } cause the partaker to seek out "just one more" serving of the substance. } These withdrawl symptoms come about fairly quickly, thus accounting for } the frequency of the return visits. } } eat: the flat, black portions normally served unfortunately make poor } frisbees, and no other potential use for them has yet been theorized. } } pieces: the bread makers of America refuse to make buns large enough to } accommodate an entire cow, citing high overhead costs and low sales } volume. } } dead: America, never having been cannibalistic, has a distinct distaste } for blood of any kind. Draining the blood from the animal unfortunately } kills it. } } cow: The cow, being a rather docile animal and easy to catch (were all } females that way!) proves an easy target for predators. Although } Americans do posess the technology to catch more elusive animals (a } certain asphalt-treading avis comes to mind), they (the Americans) are } in fact themselves rather lazy. Thus they do not bother using their } techonological advantages, and content themselves with holding onto the } animals that are easily held. } } I hope I have covered your question. } } You owe the Oracle a B.A. in B.S.